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help, stepsons won't acknowledge my husband as their father

canadianStepmom's picture

THIS IS REALLY UPSETTING!

We have full custody of stepsons age 11 and 16. We used to get them in summers until a year ago. They lived in a diffeerent province. Because of certain issues with their mother, the kids are living with us now. For the past 5 years, they were completely PAS'd out of their minds. Now, they won't even acknowledge my husband as their father. The younger stepson looks to his older brother as his parent. While with their mother, the older stepson looked after his younger brother completely. Now, when my husband tells the younger one to go do something, the younger one goes to his brother and asks him if he should. This is just a crazy situation and my husband is feeling very hurt. Any help out there?

Comments

Auteur's picture

They need counseling post haste! It will take years to undo all the damage the BM caused by assigning "adult spousal status" to the older one.

Yep in my case the oldest SS was the "man of the house" and continues to be even after the BM remarried.

:sick:

canadianStepmom's picture

we considered counselling. But the moment older stepson said no, younger one refused as well. and my husband just left it at that, saying it wotn help them if they arent going in with open minds.

Auteur's picture

So basically your DH is ok with oldest SS acting as "dad." He seems very willing to take the least line of resistance.

If it's bothering you more than him than this is a real problem and your problem is with DH for sticking his head in the sand and hoping that "time will cure all wounds" or "it's just a phase."

canadianStepmom's picture

He is not ok with it. The oldest SS has also told his younger brother to do what my husband says but it did not work. It bothers hm greatly and I am being affected by it also. But my husband thinks forcing them into counselling is going to push them away more.

somerg's picture

he is dad, what other brother said should not matter to dad, if younger one needs to go and dad says so, then he goes, end of story

herewegoagain's picture

Tell your husband to grow some and stop feeling sorry for himself...It was he who chose so poorly a mother for his kids...I don't give a rats behind if my DH is stepped all over by his daughter and it hurts him...his problem. If he was man enough he would have put her in her place a long time ago...if he didn't, too bad. It's not our job to pick up the pieces of the nightmare they have created by having kids with lousy women...or by having lousy kids because they wanted their kids to love them so much they never put them in their place.

My son can be a handful. He is autistic. He doesn't always understand everything. But that does NOT stop me from correcting him, from not allowing him to disrespect me. And I am an awesome mom to him...I give hugs, kisses all the time...I tell him he's awesome and smart...but when he needs to be put in his place, I do it without any hesitation.

These men need to either grow up and demand respect or they can just continue to complain and feel hurt...too bad..we didn't cause the mess, let them take care of it.

Rags's picture

Get some counseling. DH needs to understand that his boys have been polluted by their BM and that it will take time for him to develop the relationship with them that needs to be developed. They are children and don't get to refuse counseling or any other instruction given to them by their father.

I believe that the way to start is to sit them both down together, and individually, and explain that he is their father, he is THE adult and THEY are children and that he will be there for them no matter what but that they WILL do as he tells them when he tells them.

He also needs to explain that their BM has not been a good parent to them but that he, and you, will be. No matter what.

He also needs to explain the facts of the situation to them, show them the CO and any other supporting factual documentation that shows BMs failings.

He needs to do this immediately. Starting this process gingerly will not help the boys and will make things far more difficult than they already are.

IMHO of course.

12yrstepmonster's picture

You said it is more the younger ss and not the older one right?

But the older one has repeatedly told the younger one to do what Dad says.

Having come from a situation where my older brother was the father figure and I was more of a mother figure to younger sibling- I would suggest at this time you don't try to break the bond- it will backfire majorly.

First off understand that OSS is the only stable person in YSS life for the last 5+ years. Right now it is them against the world.

Get the respect of OSS and YSS will follow suit. He has had role of adult and you just don't switch to being a kid. Find a happy medium with OSS and get him on board with pushing parenting back of YSS to DH.

If you go after the bond they will circle the wagons and the opposit will happen- This I have a lot of experience with.

OSS will not just become a child because you or DH say so.

canadianStepmom's picture

You are right. My younger ss thinks the world of his older brother. And yes, whenever my husband says something slightly authorative to the older SS the younger one gets all sorts of offended. They are good kids, given the circumstances. The younger one used to struggle in school a lot but his older brother stepped in and really helped him. It even got to a point where the older SS was cooking and cleaning for the family. And We can tell he is having a hard time adjusting with having us as parents. And changing schools was stressful for them too. i liked your idea about getting Older SS's respect. He is not rude to us but is not affectionate by any stretch. Thanks for all your advice. My husband is hoping that helping older SS learn to drive will help break the ice. Hopefully older SS will warm up to us and younger SS will do the same as you said.

hismineandours's picture

Actually if I were your dh I would assert my authority posthaste. If he allows this to continue it will be harder to break. I would sit down with the oldest first and let him know that he no longer needs to be the "adult" or "parent", but that you want him to have the opportunity to be a kid and have fun. That he can trust you and that you will help care for him and his younger brother, but that he has to support your authority at all times. Remind him that he will likely want to leave the home in a few years to get out on his own and younger ss will need to someone (dad) to help him then anyway and the sooner he transitions on this the easier it will be.

I would sit younger ss down and let him know that older ss has done a fine job of taking care of him over the years, but that he needs a chance to enjoy his teenage years. That he is to young to be a parent and it puts a lot of pressure on him. That you will be taking on that role now and that he can trust you to take care of him and put his and his brother's best interests at heart.

canadianStepmom's picture

It would be easy if the mother did not POISON the children against us. The older ss wants nothing to do with us. He is struggling to make friends here and is very angry now. They came from a very rural place where everyone was farmers. We live in the city. It is a bit of a change for them and kids in highschool can be vicious, from what I remember. So they are not really happy to be here although older ss no longer has so much pressure to care for the family. and younger ss just doesnt like us and appears more and more jealous of our 4 year old son. It is quite a complicated situation.