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BM flipped in front of the therapists at the sound of my name

Caitlin's picture

BM was at the top of her game last night at the Family Based Therapy appointment at her apartment with my fiance and SD. She had been playing the victim fast and furious with them for weeks and apparently they bought into it because my fiance said they backed her up left and right. She attacked him for a good hour, calling him an irresponsible father and a bully, saying he "abused her, her father, and her extended family for years" but wouldn't elaborate on what the hell that meant because it's a big fat lie. When my fiance finally tried to step in and defend himself, BM put on this big act - she put her head down, her eyes welled up with tears, and said "see? He interrupts me, he won't ever let me say my piece, he bullies me." Sniffle, sniffle. The therapists (they're a team of two) actually reprimanded my fiance for interrupting her!!!! WTF? He's just supposed to sit back and take a whole lot of verbal abuse, with SD there listening to all her lies, when the whole reason they're there at all is to move FORWARD and learn to communicate for SD, not hash out BM's (made up) issues from 10 years ago for hours at a time!

I'm disgusted.

Later in the meeting, one of the therapists mentioned our appointment on Thursday in our home (with ME) and BM flipped out. First she said that they needed to wait to meet with me until she was comfortable with it and she was VERY uncomfortable with the idea at this point. The therapists disagreed with her and said that it was important that I be involved now and in the future. Then BM insisted that they meet with her father before meeting with me and launched into a sob-fest of how disrespectful it was to him that they would meet me before him, that he was 80 years old after all. (How's that for her reasoning?) Again, the therapists disagreed with her. Well, she screamed, cried, carried on worse than my 18-month-old in her worst of temper tantrums and what did the therapists do? They said that they'd discuss it among themselves and come to a decision the next day (today) about whether or not to keep Thursday's appointment with us. WTF? I sincerely hope they only said that because they could see that there was no reasoning with this woman and NOT because they're actually thinking of giving into her tantrum and cancelling our appointment. I will be sorely disappointed if they call and cancel because BM can't face reality and accept that I am a part of this.

Another thing that bothered me deeply is that the therapists accused my fiance of retaliating against BM by not telling her about our appointment because he didn't like that she had not kept him up to speed on their many appointments in the weeks prior. She has convinced them that everything is HIS fault! It's unbelievable! He was totally blindsided. He said "can't you see that I can't tell her when Caitlin is to be involved because she will do everything in her power to prevent it? Everyone BUT her insists that Caitlin be a part of this, yet she successfully excludes her all the time." He is going to let them know today about how the psych team at the clinic had chosen to lie to SD and BM about me coming to our appointment because when BM did catch wind of the first one, SD was so distraught that she asked them to ask me not to come because she was afraid of damaging her relationship with her mother by having me there. They knew that the only way I could attend was if SD didn't know about it until I got there. Otherwise, BM would've gotten it out of her and she would have sabotaged it.

I had very high hopes for Family Based Therapy. So far, I am not impressed. No, I AM impressed. I'm impressed by what a bad job they're doing! We need to talk to the psychiatrists at the clinic about this. This is unacceptable.

Comments

happy's picture

How can highly trained proffessionals not see thru her bull crap..
I see thru it and cannot even believe this.
And I am not saying there is not 2 sides to every story but she is wacked out. Didn't you say that she is like in her 50's or close to it? If she is she is seriously dimented.
Your poor SD and fiance and you too. Trust me I am thinking of you, but this lady is seriously nuts.. Certifiably.
I am sorry Caitlyn.. Very very sorry. Your in my thoughts and my prayers.. I love ya.. Just remember this little girl every year is one step closer to 18.. I know seems like forever but it will be sooner then you think.

Happy

Caitlin's picture

Can you believe that she is that age and has never grown up? She's bipolar, but I really think her behavior should not be excused by her mental illness. My own father is bipolar and he is hardworking and sensible, she just hates to not get her way and her parents didn't nip it in the bud when she was a toddler!

Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. I'm counting down the next 6 1/2 years till SD turns 18!

Oh and speaking of SD, I was so dismayed to hear that she took responsibility for her mother's misbehavior in several instances during this appointment last night. When the issue came up of BM not keeping my fiance up to speed on SD's well being, SD piped up that it was her fault that she didn't call often enough, that she was so busy and she was sorry. When the issue came up of BM putting SD in the middle of adult situations like the divorce, finances, custody, visitation, etc, SD said that it was her fault because she pressed her mother for the information. This poor child is so protective of her sick-o mommy. It makes me so sad.

happy's picture

more mature then her.. I thought the older you got the more mature you were suppose to get. Well sorry to say I guess thats a miss conception.
I just hope that your SD turns out ok, because with her mother she really doesn't have a fighting chance too. Which is sad.
Well Caitlyn I will continue to pray for you and your family thru out your horrible situation.
BM just still might loose this battle. I hope that she does because then just maybe SD will get to live a little normal..

My best always to you and the family
happy

loonybonusmom's picture

My thoughts are with you and your family Caitlyn. It amazes me how often these bm's can get away with these lies!! I think it is the lies that are the most frustrating to me, especially when they are in these settings..court OR therapy OR to our kids!. And the fact these women don't realize that they are teaching their kids these habits as well is a crime. I wish there could be a new definition these days of abuse and neglect that would include more than just the horrible abuses, they need to include the lack of basic values and morals taught to these kids. And what we need most of all...individuals in the courts and therapy groups who look at these cases as individual situations and not balled up with the "it must be the father's fault...look at the poor mom..she's crying"...too bad they can't see these women for what they are, especially with their degree's and paycheques.

Caitlin's picture

I know! The therapists take her lies as sermon. She can turn on the tears and they believe everything out of her mouth, even when she can't back it up because it's a bunch of baloney!

I had so much faith that the therapists would see her for what she is and things would finally get better because during my SD's time at the clinic, the psychiatrists all saw through BM in the first 5 minutes of meeting her. They were the ones who ordered Family Based Therapy, the purpose of which was to get BM to change her ways since they saw her as the reason that SD is sick. Suddenly it's turned into Dad-bashing instead of working toward the original goal! I don't get it!

This is why I really want to have a conversation with the psych team at the clinic so they can set these new therapists straight.

Little Jo's picture

CAITLIN'S BM..............WOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For her dispay of emtional turmoil and for the amazing portrail of a victim of servere abuse and neglect.
She also receieved best supporting actress for her lack of emotions toward her own flesh and blood.

Un-freaken believable Caitlin, I'm glad the therapist tried to stand up to her fit. I hope he doesn't give in. I'm very on the fence on whether or not these therapist really help.

Jo

Caitlin's picture

BM even has a theater background, so that must contribute to her amazing acting skills.

Becky's picture

I can't believe licensed therapists are acting that way! (I'm not saying I don't believe you but WOW). That is one messed up "family therapy" if I ever heard it. Have you said this before but is it court ordered (if I'm not asking for too much info)? Does it have to be at bm's house?
Hang in there. You'll know their "decision" soon, right?

Caitlin's picture

To answer your questions (and no you're not asking for too much info, but thanks for asking!) the therapy is not court ordered, but ordered by the outpatient psychiatric clinic where SD went for 12 days following her suicide attempts. No, no, no, no, NO it does not have to be at BM's house and it really shouldn't be at BM's house, it was only done that way because of her insistance. (And as we know, the squeaky wheel gets the oil!) We were told at the clinic that Family Based Therapy would come into BOTH homes to evaluate and observe and eventually correct inappropriate behavior, ie. BM putting SD in the middle of adult conflict, BM bashing our side of the family, BM using SD as her therapist/confidante/best friend instead of being her parent, etc. We were told specifically by the psychiatrists at the clinic that the ultimate goal of FBT was to get BM to see the error of her ways and change her behavior. If/when that didn't happen at the end of the 9-month treatment, they would recommend a change in custody to the courts. They asked if we were prepared to have SD come live with us full-time because they weren't too hopeful about BM, and we said ABSOLUTELY. This is why I was so utterly disappointed at how things were going because I had such high hopes that the therapists saw BM's true colors.

As for their "decision" for our appointment tonight, they called at 6:30 last night to confirm that they're coming and to ask directions. There was no mention of "we discussed it and decided to keep the appointment..." just "we'll be there at 6:30 and where do you live?" so I have the distinct feeling that I got my panties into a bunch over nothing. I believe that they only said that to BM to move on in the session instead of sitting there listening to her nonsensical blubbering over why they shouldn't meet me.

I am very relieved that I won't be excluded. I am very much looking forward to tonight.

Anne 8102's picture

Don't give up the ship yet. I know it's pretty crappy now, but you've only just begun this process and, as you say, there are several months to go. Could it be that they are just humoring her or giving her the benefit of the doubt in these early stages? Even if they are buying into her act now, do you really think she'll be able to sustain it for the entire progression of this treatment plan? I mean, you and she are likely to come face to face at some point in all of this... if she hasn't blown it by then, then she certainly will at that point. And if she doesn't, then maybe that means there could be the slightest chance of her reaching some kind of acceptance. (Highly doubtful, but you never know.) I say just try to be positive and as patient as you can be, because we all know that actions speak louder than words and her actions will be a dead giveaway before you all come to the end of this road. Try not to get too discouraged. It'll all come out in the wash.

~ Anne ~

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)

Caitlin's picture

And if you read my post above, you'll see that this morning I am not as fired up as I was. I have a feeling that I blew it out of proportion because I was just so afraid of BM succeeding at shutting me out. Thanks for the reminder to be positive and patient. It WILL all come out in the wash.

OldTimer's picture

This is the EXACT reason why I think it's not a good idea to have your finance attend HER appointments... especially in her apartment. That's her territory. This right here was what I was afraid would happen. I just think it's not a solution. It feeds into BM, and she showed her true colors full force. I won't have BF attend any more of her appointments in her home until he can be assured that he won't be attacked, or make it certain that its on neutral territory.

Second, BM fully believes in her heart that what she is telling is true and accurate, and not figments of her imagination. She genuinely feels that BF has mistreated her. So, to the therapists, they will have to take time to sort her antics out, because the first response is always shock at first. They probably deal with so many cases, that it isn't out of the ordinary for them to jump through hoops because they probably are very used to dealing with 'spousal abuse' type cases, so shifting through the bullshit is probably going to take time.

It's easy for us to here, because we've been listening and coming to our own conclusions for weeks now, so it's only natural that the same will happen for them. If it is recommended by the THERAPISTS that bf attend the meetings, then follow their advice, but I would have him SPEAK up and only agree to neutral territory because it's uncalled for him to be attacked like that, and it's not constructive. That is not therapy.

Wink StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

Caitlin's picture

As usual, you have a very sound perspective in all this. Tonight when we meet with the therapists, I will simply ask them their reasoning for meeting both parents at BM's. If I like their answer, I will leave it at that. If not, I will ask them to meet in a neutral place or have me come too because giving in to BM's delusions that I don't exist in all this is not healthy for anyone and it is certainly not in SD's best interests to continue giving in to her mother and allowing her to all-out attack her dad in her home.

I have a feeling that they will not agree to a neutral territory because it is Family (ie Home) Based Therapy, after all. We'll see. Interestingly, SD's private psychiatrist whom she's been seeing for the past year or so decided very early on (after just one session with both parents) to never again have a co-session because it was not constructive nor productive to sit there and listen to BM cry and bash BF and play the victim and hash out her own issues instead of focusing on working together for SD. I wonder if these guys will come to the same conclusion. It's so hard because they really really want to help BM and BF learn to co-parent and they can't do that if they never meet together. I wish we could just inject BM with something to make her cooperative! Blum 3

Little Jo's picture

I can't wait until the day the therapist talk to US. That day should be very soon. If BM drops the ball on this one, oh there is going to be hell to pay. My best wishes for you and BF tonight.

Hey, ya ever watch Saturday Night Live when they do 'Jeopardy'.
'Sean Connery' says,,'I'll take the rape-ist for 500' -----
'No, it's therapist'

Out a here in about an hour and a half!!weee!!!
Jo

SoFrustrated's picture

I can sympathize with haveing a BM who lies lies lies, oh can I ever! But as someone who is training to be a therapist, I can tell you that the therapists will continue to listen to BM however much she blathers on, because they want to be able to work with her, and for that they need her to have a little trust in them. They should listen and digest everything she says in a supportive way, but they won't call her on anything yet, because the quickest way to put her back up and make her fight you is to interrupt her or make like you don't believe her. Have a little faith. If they're doing it right and the next time they meet she interrupts him they should reprimand her for interrupting. They should let both sides tell their stories at a natural pace, and then go from there. Also, they might know more about the history of your case than they let on. Their job is to be impartial, at least in public. Good luck!

Caitlin's picture

You're so right. The therapists do need to be impartial. It's just so hard to remember that when there is so clearly a right and a wrong side, a sane and a crazy side, a reasonable and an unreasonable side, a rational and an irrational side, a selfless and a selfish side - shall I go on? Wink

I do feel much better today knowing that the therapists are not giving in to BM's antics by excluding me from SD's family therapy. That's what was most upsetting to me.

Thanks for the reminder, SoFrustrated!