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How do deal with my husbands ex wife.

BusyB's picture

I have been married for seven years to my husband. About 3 years ago we moved to be closer to his daughter. For the first 2 years I put up with his bitter revengeful ex wife. Since day one, she has been the thorn in my side. She gets regular child support and still expects for my husband to pay for other expenses for his daughter. In the mean time, she does not work and has not worked in 8 years. She is remarried and her husband makes really good money. In the past she would always complain she is broke and never has any money. She constantly complains about the responsibilities of motherhood. I know first hand the ups and downs of being a stay home mom, but you deal with it. She feels she needs "Me time" and as soon as her husband gets home from work or a business trip, she is out the door. At her house, the kitchen closes at 7:00pm and my SD is not allowed to go upstairs because she might wake her younger brother and sister. My SD complains to me all the time that her mom has no time for her because she is always busy with her younger two. She doesn't even allow her to hug her. This information is based on what my SD tells me. When issues come up, I never get involved. I have always believed that when it came to any discussion regarding my SD it was always between my husband and his ex wife. If my husband asked me for my opinion I offered it to him. Right now I am at the point to where I Hate his ex wife. I know hate is a strong word, but she really gets my blood boiling. She is very controlling and feels she has to manipulate my husband and SD. She will call my house and come of being a total B. I am trying really hard to control my anger. I desperately want to put her in her place and tell her what I really think of her. But then I think of my SD and it would just hurt her. I;m tired of being the better person, but I also want the ex wife to back off and stop poking her nose in our business. She was the one who wanted the divorce, had my husband move her from California to Washington and by the time the first house payment was due, she served him with divorce papers. She took everything and yet she still is not happy and it bothers her to see how happy we are. There are many issues with her, I can probably write a book, but I want to get passed them. I know she is not worth it. I know I can't change her, she is who she is. Her seeing me react to her is allowing her to get to me and that probably makes her happy. I just want her out of our life but I know that will never happen.


aggravated1's picture

How old is your SD? And one of the very FIRST boundaries I would put in place with BM is, if she calls your house, then she had better act civilized. That is YOUR home, and you deserve repect on a phone that YOU help pay for. If she can't do that, hang up on her. And keep hanging up until she gets the picture. You are probably right, she would probably LOVE to know that all of this is bothering you.

Rags's picture

I agree with Aggravated.

I would also record every telephone call she makes to your home. If she gets nasty, you have it on tape.

You may have to tell her she is being recorded but even that will likely tone down her attitude a bit.

In TX anyone can record a telephone conversation that they are a party to without notifying the other party.

It my be different in your state.

Best regards,

BusyB's picture

My SD is 12. I think the huge issue is that my husband's ex wife is such a control freak and feels if things aren't according to her, then it's wrong. She talks to my husband as if he's child and continues to make him feel inadequate. Gives him guilt trips, demands that he needs to do certain things for their daughter. She doesn't understand nor does she know the responsibilities of supporting a family. If we try to change the schedule, my husband's job requires him to travel world wide, she freaks out and says, I don't understand why you can't follow the schedule. But then turns around and changes it according to her needs and acts like its no big deal. Why is it that the people who demand the most give so little. If it were up to me, my SD would live with us full time. She will be starting Junior High this fall. She worries about why type of clothing her moms picks for her and her mom will not help her style her hair. We live 3 minutes away, this year she will be taking the same bus to and from school. I have 3 kids and I find the time to help her fix her hair,and I graciously wait for her hugs. Her mother is so cold and only thinks of herself, my husband referrers to her as the " Ice Queen" and often regrets marrying her,but if he didn't we wouldn't have his daughter in our lives. In the past I could never tell her what I had planned with SD because she will go out and do it before I did. I couldn't tell her what color I was going to paint my walls. She even went as far as going to see how much our bed cost. The list goes on. I tell my husband all the time that he has it easier than I do, my ex doesn't interfere, we actually get along with my ex and his current wife. So it's obvious who has the issues.

mom2five's picture

I deal with a difficult ex-wife. I can totally relate.

The only thing I would caution is this....You may not be getting a very realistic picture of what really goes on at her mom's house from your stepdaughter. Kids...especially girls...are really good at telling us what we want to hear. She may be telling her bio mother the very same things about y'all.

BusyB's picture

Mom2five, I agree with how girls can be, My daughters are 19 and 15 and I also know there are two sides to every story. I tend to let what she says roll, and believe if it is true, thn my SD will one day appreciate everything that I do for her. My only concern in the matter is continuing to build my relationship with my SD and to show her love and to teach her the things that her BM has no time for. My SD's half brother often comes to visit and says a lot more than my SD. But I feel it is not my place to mention anything or give my input on the matter, Two homes, two different rules. I know for a fact the BM feels threaten of the relationship I have with my SD, because of her actions. One positive thing that the BM has done is making sure my SD excels in school. She gets fantastic grades and is in some honor classes and I know if it wasn't for her mother pushing her to do so, she wouldn't be such a great student. I keep holding on to the fact that one day my SD will see the big picture. I'm not saying that I'm perfect, I have my faults and continue to work on being a loving, understanding, and patient wife and mother to all of my kids. The one thing I am struggling with is getting over my animosity toward my husbands ex wife. Everything that I have tried in the past has not worked and Im open to other options and solutions. Hopefully, someone who has been down this path can offer some great advice.

mom2five's picture

I'm not sure I can say that I'm completely over the animosity I feel towards my husband's ex. Sometimes I think I am. I'll go for months without even thinking about her. Then she'll do something really dumb, and it's like I have to start all over again.

I think the only things that really helped were (1) the kids got older, and (2) we got custody.

Those things took away a lot of her control.

BusyB's picture

mom2five, that would be my dream for my SD to come live with us. What saddens me the most is one day my SD will grow up, I think of prom, her wedding day, and the day she becomes a mom. I love my SD as my own and I have always introduced her as my daughter. She is only 12 and I know there are going to ups and downs, but to think I will have to share grandchildren with the " Ice Queen" aka husband ex and BM. Maybe that's where why she feels threaten, maybe she can not accept my love for her daughter. I'm I suppose to be an evil step mom? All I know is that I had a step mom, and she was a horrible person and the greatest gift my dad did was to marry her, because she taught me how NOT to act. Im not saying I want my husband ex wife to be my best friend, but I want us to teach my SD how to act and no matter what differences two people may have, they can still get along and respect one another. Ex wife has a son from a previous and she doesn't allow her son to see his father and I have heard her refer to his father as a dead beat. The poor boy feels the only escape from his mother is to join the military.

Why is it that the BM can do what ever it is they want to, and we (SM's) have to watch everything we say and do. If we do something to upset BM's then we are the bad guys. Im so tired of the one sidedness, demands and expectations. I wish I had a magic wand. lol