For realdadof1-- welcome to step-talk
I posted a comment to your blog, but the comment section was getting SO long, I thought I would just post a new blog with my thoughts for you. We can be an intense bunch, so I hope you can hang-in there until you find what you need.
Here is what I had to say in my comment to you:
I've read your two posts and my first reaction was to jump on your case. I read some other posts and thought about it and decided you needed exactly what the sight offers: insight, venting, been-there-done-that advice, and a shared experience. I think your wife might need this place too for all the same reasons.
I think the best thing this site could do for you, your wife, your son, and the family you want to form is to hang around on this site for a while. The problems you and your wife/son/family are facing cannot be solved with a yes or no answer on who is right and who is wrong. They can't be solved by asking what should be expected from a blended family and the parental authorities. Each situation has unique factors and ultimately we all have to find our own way, our own balance.
Many of us on this site don't post all the time (like me), I just come here for emotional support. I come to read the stories of other step-parents so I know I'm not alone or going crazy. Occasionaly I post when I need to get something off my chest.
But hanging around on this site might be an eye opener for you and will likely give some valuable insight into the old "walking a mile in someone else's shoes" theme. Perspective is important. From your perspective your wife isn't measuring up to your expectations of parental roles and family. However, her perspective is likely 180 degrees different. I would venture to say most of the posters here are step-parents. Some are both bio-parents and step-parents. It is only a handful, from what I can tell that are only bio-parents.
You seem to have found this place because you need help, you need insight. It will likely take more than just one day of posting to get that insight and help. Read the other posts on the site-- they are a very real look into the hopes, dreams, frustrations, and pains of step-parents. The books and article other recommend would be good for you to consider as well.
My last thought is to remember that kids-- even good kids-- are not above being one way with their parent(s) and another with step-parents, teachers or their friends. I was a good kid, but I can safely say my parents didn't really "know me" from age 12-24. By that point I was savvy about how to avoid letting them know about things I was doing/not doing that I knew I would get in trouble for. Just about every step-parent on this site will tell you that their step-kids can be incredibly two-faced when it comes to behavior in the bio-parents presence and behavior in the presence of only the step-parent. Even the really good kids. I mention this only to tell you that things aren't always what them seem with kids.
I'm done except to say I wish you well and I hope you can find the widsom and skill to help your family. There are lots of good things to learn from this site if you are willing to open yourself to what other step-parents have to offer.
You'll find there are so many common themes in step-families that it is almost comical how we all fall into the same traps.