"Deal with it."
When the first signs of strain started showing in my relationship with SD17, about 4 years ago, I went online looking for resources that would help. There was very little out there (if this forum was around then, I didn't locate it). However, the tiny handful of sites I found seemed to be written from the perspective of the custodial bio-parents, who were chastising their spouses, the step-parents. On a number of these sites, they told step-parents "You knew what you were getting into, deal with it." From this bio-parent perspective, their spouses had signed away any rights to say anything about the skids, and had to accept whatever the bio-parents decided.
I personally found this viewpoint ridiculous. Step-parents are members of the household too, and should have a say in how things are done (this could range from things like household rules, chores, discipline, etc.). Nonetheless, a large number of bio-parents don't feel this way, and seem to get away with dictating terms. Step-parents are force to live with the oftentimes undesireable consequences. I fought my DW for many years, insisting that I should have a say in things, since it is my house too. I recently disengaged, and things are better, but it was at the price of having a voice in my own house.
Have other folks heard this before - the "deal with it" BS? And are other people frustrated by having their authority stripped? Or do you just disengage? I'm just trying to get a sense for what other folks go through. Thanks.