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Im ashamed to admit...

bonusmom's picture

I really need help ladies, I truely am ashamed to admit this but I am allowing BM to take over my thought process...I can not stand her she makes me absolutely sick, but I find myself wanting to know everything about her I am looking for dirt I guess...I don't know why but I compare myself to her in everyway...Its strange really because she is the one who tries to out do me all the time and I have allowed her to suck me into the constant competition and it is driving me nuts...I feel completely stupid even admitting this to anyone else but I need some sound advice on how to stop the sanity...this womans name comes up in my home entirely too much and I want it to stop...SD comes to visit and tells me things like her mom says that her and my husband though never married will alway love eachother...sd also says bm always wants to talk to my husband...I know there is nothing there my husband hates this woman so I don't worry about him wanting her back at all its just the thought that she says this shit I'm curious to know if she honestly thinks its true or if she is just trying to get my goat whatever the case I need help on how to deal, its becoming an everyday fight for me and I want it to end I don't want to waste my time worring about this crazy bitch anymore it is putting a damper on myself and my relationships with husband and sd...someone anyone with advice HELP>>>

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Cruella's picture

I spend most of my free time trying to figure out what this crazy bitch is up to to try to destroy DH and I. If I didn't do this it may have cost of thousands of dollars because she is sly. I am sick of it. I flat out told my husband I can't continue to live like this. It is not healthy for us. I actually got angry with him and told him that I am so sick of the whole thing that I would get rid of him just so I don't have to think about his ex's antics anymore. Wrong or right this is the way I feel. I love my husband but I can't think for everyone anymore.

Mocha2001's picture

I'm right in there with you ladies, but have worked through some of it. BM over here just refuses to realize that SS has a father who loves him, wants to spend time with him, and has a right to be involved in his life. BM sees DH as an inconvinence who has to see HER CHILD every other weekend. We are taking serious court action at this point, because it seems to be the only way to stop her. But not everyone is as lucky as we are in that regard - I'm a family law paralegal and GAL, so I can do all the paperwork. We have a friend who is an awesome family law attorney who argues our crap in court. We only have to pay for him to go to court, I do all the work - so we are very lucky in that regard.

Now, I used to obsess about BM what she does to SS and how it hurts my DH. DH and I would get in many fights about this because he HATES her and wants nothing to do with her, but realizes that he has to. He realizes that DH is hurting SS and we need to stop her.

Finally, we went to 1 counseling session - to start co-parenting counseling - and realized a lot about OUR own communication. We set new ground rules for everything. Hopefully these ground rules may be of some assistance to you guys.

I keep a journal of everything. This way if there is something I'm thinking or want to say, I can say it, and not have to bug DH. Then it's also there to remind me if we need it for further court action.

We agreed to limit our indepth conversations about BM to 30-minutes per day. We also try and have these conversations only in the office, and the conversations stay out of the bedroom.

Rather than communicating with each other about what needs to be said to her about a particular situation (most communication is via email), I draft all the emails. DH reads them, edits them, and we send them off. I'll just say something like, "we need to email BM about X, Y, and Z." He'll either say, "yes, go for it." Or, "not now, we'll wait until later." If it's yes, I go draft it and he reads it, then we send it. Saves a lot of arguements and "what ifs". I check his email as well - liked in Outlook. So, I get the emails first. I generally read them, go tell him what they say, we talk about the response, then go from there. Sometimes, I'll just respond, and let him know what I said. I never send anything without at least tellig him I sent it, but 9/10 he reads everything before it goes. If he's really pissed, he'll dictate to me what he wants to say, to vent ... then I'll take what he said, rework it, and send it. This helps with the arguements.

Fially, we just recently made the decision that we are not going to put up with her crap anymaore. She gets one chance to do it right. If she doesn't do it right, or follow the rules, then we are going to have her before the court on contempt charges. We are tired of playing games with her. WE have done everythign we can to limit how much we have to see her and talk to her, but she is using SS to hurt DH, and that is hurting SS more than DH.

Hopefully this will be of some assistance to you guys. The journal really helps me and keeps me from babbling all day to DH about BM. And then of course, there is you guys too ... that has helped me a lot ...

~ Katrina

Krissy's picture

You are not alone. To this day, though EX and I are no longer together, I cannot deny that I am still intrigued by BB. Mostly, I am just fascinated by this raging bitch and WHY EX was so infatuated with her. I believe that my ex-husband will always carry a very brightly burning torch for this psychotic woman and despite all the evil that she has done, I know he would go running back to her if given the chance. Yet, he could never figure out how to make a life with me, the woman who was willing to pick up the pieces and give him the kind of family that he claims to want. It's almost like watching a Lifetime movie, except that of course, it's real. I am also totally fascinated by the human psyche and this individual is 20 case studies rolled into one.

Also, so much of my life had revolved around this person and her choices...so I guess on some level, I wanted to know my captor. Maybe even try to understand her.

Stockholm Syndrome, if you will. Wink In any case, I don't think you're abnormal for being preoccupied, but you've got to learn to curb it or you WILL get to a point where it's all you think about and your behavior is motivated by your obsession with BB and all that you've "figured out" about her. I spent years trying to one-up her and out-wit her and she and I had countless email interactions where we exchanged that kind of catty banter. It got me nowhere, really. I realized myself that I had to cut it out when I was at work one day, digging through my purse like a madwoman for my credit card so that I could pay for a $39.95 online background check on her. I just sorta froze and thought, "WHY am I doing this?" I am a little bit ashamed to admit that I was jealous too. I wanted to have a child with EX and that was a big point of contention between us because he didn't. Yet, our lives revolved around this child of his that he'd begged HER to have. I guess I wanted to know what she had that I didn't. I wanted to solve the mystery of this woman who EX claimed was always so adored by men and would get any man to do anything for her. Then, I realized that if I hung around with pathetic losers, I'd be queen bee too. Suddenly, she didn't seem so great anymore....

Take a step back. Remember that she's just a person, no different than you are. Don't give her any free real estate in your head.

Smile
Krissy

1wits_end's picture

as if I'm an expert, but don't give her that much of your time or she's winning. You've already won. She wants what you have. Ignore her that will annoy her even more. Tell her to go kick rocks with the childish games. Stay strong!

Imustbcrazy's picture

Sometimes BM LIVES in my brain. She is all I think about, I want to know what she is up to, what evil she is doing... and other times, it is as if she doesn't even exist. I think it really depends on SS's behavior. If he is causing an uproar, than I want to find out what is going on over there that is causing it. And it is usually a new live in boyfriend or LOVE interest. Ladies~ DH and BM have been divorced (from time HE left HER till now) just over 3 years... and she has been in LOVE, and I am talking head over heals, madley, stocker type IN LOVE (even pregnant once) with 6 different guys... count em 1,2,3,4,5,6!!!! That is just plain madness to me, so I worry about what and who she is bringing around my SS. So, I try to find out...

When all is quiet on the home front- I try not to allow her to run my life... which is more increasingly as the years pass, but she still knows how to get my goat if you know what I mean.... right now she has a new bumper sticker on her POS car that say "isn't it strange how someone can break your heart beyond repair and you can still love them with all the little pieces.." GOD I hope she is talking about one of her other "LOVE of her LIFE" and not DH~ that is the last thing I need is her thinking she is still in the running.
Daddys Gurl-

Life is as sweet as you sweeten it.

happy mom's picture

I would just tell your sd to stop talking about her mom when she is with you. That you prefer not to hear any of it. Just be straight w/her. I know it sounds cruel but better than to drive you up the wall every single time....or the next time she mentions anything about her mother, ask her why are you telling me that? Are you telling me that because your mother told you to mention it to me? I use to do the same thing you did by comparing myself to biomom...but now I know how nasty, mean, a fake she is that I don't stoop down to her level and even try to compare myself to her anymore. She's just way the opposite of me.... My advice to you is for to stop comparing yourself and find better things to do w/your time and not even think about biomom.

-happy mom

Bonus Wife's picture

I don't know...I've been with Dh two years now and that aspect is getting easier. I think it helped that I spoke to my enemy face to face and she really wasn't an enemy. Just another woman who's husband left her, trying to get through life.
She still pisses me off - doesn't matter what she does - but not to the degree it used to. Believe me, time does help. I hope every day gets easier for you too.

Remember, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
(Eleanor Roosevelt)

bonusmom's picture

Well my husband and I have been together for 4 yrs married 1 yr...and at first I didn't even acknowlege her...I have been face to face with her more than I care to admit...almost too close for comfort, I think I tried to hard to get along with her for sd sake...we invited her to our wedding, we took her other child several times when we took sd, and last summer we would sometimes run into eachother at the pool...we talked but didn't really hang out, her boyfriend was always really friendly when we did see them at the pool as a matter of fact thats when she starting being a real bitch again, when her boyfriend would talk to me or her little boy would want to play catch with me it seemed to bother her...I was just being nice and I guess it was too nice in her mind...anyway in the past couple of months I have compared myself to her in everyway...its weird really, I have never been the jelous type and I KNOW I AM BETTER THAN HER>>>not to sound so sure of myself but she is really useless...thats why I don't understand why I constantly compare I don't want to be anything like her I can not stand her...