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Bonnied50's picture

I copied my bio over 



I'm married (13 years) to a loving caring husband who stepped up to the Father plate replacing stepdad to being a true dad to my adult daughter. A father my daughter never had in her life. I could not asked more in a man as he is. I'm grateful to being married to him, though at times been rough, but we don't give up on each other easily. We lived through, which was the worst strain in our marriage, 2.5 years of my daughter being an addict to opiates. She lost her daughter, her home, car, and in the end we had to cut off any communication with her letting her choose to stop. My husband was my rock and foundation. At the same time, her addiction and losing to see our granddaughter in our lives took parts of me away. I lost interest in hobbies and activities. I had to learn new coping skills and a new restored faith in God. The date she called stating she was off opiates was May 2012. Well drug free. 5 months later, her choice to drink alcohol took over. Aug 2012, she rolled my parents car. We got that call from my parents. she and her passenger were being Life Flighted to hospital. That was her changing point to overcome all addictions. In a week afterwards, she was in out patient rehab ready to be a parent again and fight to have her daughter with her. My daughter's, now deceased ex fiance and his parents, had custody of our granddaughter during our daughters drugging days. Today she has sole custody of her daughter. In the last 3 years, I'm slowly regaining new interests becoming more involved with my husbands blacksmith creating new ideas with glass  to add to his metal work.

I have insecurities of myself which creates anxiety, in certain situations,  when comes to being ACCEPTED by others. Especially with my husband's family. When we were married, his parents and sister family were all great, wonderful, caring, nice Christian faithful in-laws towards me. My daughter, not fully accepted  by them. That hurts and bites as years went on and soon the dynamics of the relationship changed with the in-laws towards me. My MIL has photos on her wall of our wedding, her daughter's wedding, then EVERYONE of her 6 grandchildren from her daughter's side, along with her 2nd husband's adult children with their children (MIL 1st husband passaway years prior to her 2nd marriage). She has another wall of all of the grandchildrens graduation photos. My hubby, 5 years ago said to me that his mom requested picture of our daughter and granddaughter to put up on her wall. I was excited to hear this. I had taken several nice picture, printed them out, and hubby took them to his mom. To my dismay, a month later when I was in her living room, none of them were hung up. To this day, not one photo is hung of them. I mentioned to my husband how much this hurt me couple years ago. He mentioned to his mom of the missing photos he brought her. Nothing happened. I quit asking about them from her or my hubby and why. I sent Christmas family photo cards to her which for one month was on her fridge. My SIL gives me silent treatment. On Facebook, neither of my in-laws will make comments of my grandchildren. My MIL will of her other step-daughter and family. MIL will buy the step-daughter children gifts but not for my daughter or grandchildren. It's not about the gift or money. It's more personal and deep hurtful nonverbal approach MIL shows her negative attitude towards my family. I don't get it, or should I?

I have attended with my MIL family at her church for social events and listen to speakers.  I listened to the conversations between my in-laws and the pastors wife. Interesting to hear how they can poke jokes I feel rude towards others attending. Like, clothing another church member wore that didn't match.  Or a homeless veteran the church brought in to help him regain veterans services in return he mowed lawn and maintenance at the church. After the veteran restored benefits. When he didn't return to church for weeks, the pastors wife went visiting him upset he never returned to church after they helped him. My MIL right in the middle as well.  


I'm mostly venting. It's difficult not to stay away from in-laws  when your husband is very loyal to his mom and he had also done a lot for my parents when they were in need of help. 


Thanks for listening to my long rambling  have a great day


StepMamaBear6's picture

I have a mother in law who plays favorites with her own BLOOD grandchildren.  The greatest gift you can give yourself on this issue is to STOP caring whether she loves your daughter and your grandchild.  Your child does not need this woman in her life.  She has you and your husband.  Let it go because you are only giving your MIL power to HURT YOU. 

I know it is hard.  My sister in law and mother play favorites.  I just have no more GAFs (Give a F*cks) left to give on the matter.  

Bonnied50's picture

Yah I understand. When we do visit her, I stick my head in a book. Ignore the world there  she plays fave with her step daughterinlaw who I do love  she's a great mom


Thank you

lieutenant_dad's picture

I am going to approach this from the stepsister side of the equation (i.e. non-blood related family).

My SSis was/is an alcoholic and, I assume, pothead. She had 4 kids by the time she was 21. Divorced by 23ish. Lost custody, then rights to, her kids. She now lives a state away with her new husband raising his 3 girls.

While my SSis is now sober, the decade-long crapshow that she instigated has left a spoiled taste in everyone's mouth. There is a lot of fear with getting close to her because she may slip up again and wreak havoc in all of our lives. There is still a lot of anger around what she did (I have a whole blog about it if you want to read it). Overall, very few of us still consider her "family". Her own brother, my SBro, has completely written her out of his life.

My point is that, as adults, we are responsible for our own actions and the consequences they bring. Your daughter made choices that caused a lot of pain and anxiety for those around, and those who aren't biologically connected to her are going to have a much lower tolerance for it and a much higher wall against it.

Your MIL's behavior doesn't surprise me, and I can't say that she is doing anything wrong. Her son accepted your daughter as his own, and her actions caused a lot of heartache for him I'm sure. Your MIL isn't going to easily forgive someone who hurt her child, and she may not wish to interact with that person.

Your MIL isn't badmouthing your daughter. She isn't spreading lies about her. She is simply disengaged from her. I'm not saying that it isn't hurtful to you, but her choice is the right one for her and her household. No one can fault her for that.

Keep loving your daughter the way you are going to love her, and don't worry about what your MIL chooses so long as her actions remain respectful/civil. If your MIL tends to be a gossip, then her silence on the topic of your daughter IS a sign of respect to both you and her.

Bonnied50's picture

I understand your statement. However, my MIL was very supportive 

during my daughter's drugging. Even after she came home clean, she had said positive things. The biggest  change began in my MIL began 3 years ago.  My daughter is nearly 6 years drug alcohol free...a nursing job, engaged, and has another baby  she tells me she's a  addict and reminds herself to keep on the straight path of being sober. My husband by no means is resentful  or has bad feelings after her drugging. He's the most forgiving soul I know of .  I am very blessed to have him as my partner for life  

Bonnied50's picture

Funny thing is, my MIL is very judgemental and double standard. Her step son-in-law went to prison for 4 years for selling  drugs and using,  gun charges, and stolen property. She has treats him and his wife wonderful with their  kids.  Favors them .  There is nothing different between my situation and theirs   like I said above, I love the step daughter in law. I have nothing to negative to say about neither.  He can relapse as easy as my daughter  he works and so does my daughter. My daughter has no felony charges in her drugging days 

Maxwell09's picture

My MIL plays favorites based on how important she gets to feel. My kids (SS and BS) are independent, they don't constantly need grandma to their rescue so they aren't treated as special little snowflakes. My husband's brother's children are a different story. They get extras at holidays, they get sleepovers and attention, invitations and whatever else. They usually get and do more in every aspect really. It doesn't bother me, DH swears it doesn't bother him either because my parents are super amazing with our boys. They call or vist almost daily. They stop by just because and occasionally bring by little surprises (candy from the grocery store) for them after dinner. I only had one set of grandparents growing up so it doesn't bother me only one side of this family tree bothers. My kids don't go without. 

Merry's picture

These days when I hear "nice, faithful Christian" it turns out that person is anything BUT a Christian in the meaning I know. They might go to church, but somehow "love they neighbor" has slipped from their faith practice.

You can't make her put up pictures, or respond to Facebook, or anything else. Work on letting it go for your own sanity.

Bonnied50's picture

Yah I know I can't make her. My husband has mentioned to his mom the pictures not present .  Just lime when my daughter was drugging  I hung onto these words over and over

Let go, let God...thanknyou