First of all, thanks for reading this! I have some issues with my step-daughter that Im at a loss for an answer and who to talk to with an unbiased opinion.
My husband's ex, the BM (I hope I'm using that correctly if I understood that's what it meant) of my step, moved out of the country and basically gave up her kids and family life years ago to have her freedom and her own life; she is bipolar and has on numerous occasions threatened to come kill us all in our sleep. She uses her daughter to get info of our home life, talks crap about me and my husband to her (even after asked to stop by her daughter--she is 12 by the way), tries to show "love" by sending her gifts and $ anytime she is asked, and uses her to hurt my husband but doesn't realize she is only hurting her daughter. So, because of all this, my step daughter, has learned how to use her mom to get what she wants, she knows her Dad won't punish her for any wrong and has learned how to get empathy from him, her Aunt and her Grandparents' , my in-laws.... And she is trying to figure out how to get me under her wing as well. I came into the situation, live the crap her mother does to Her and to us as well, and it's easier for me to see what is going on from the bigger picture, whereas her father says he isn't easy on her but it seems to me he is trying to make up for where her mother lacks as a parent. I don't take things as lightly, I believe that if she does wrong she should correct it, probably have some punishment, and most of all I expect an apology! She holds grudges when I make her mad, I stand up and admit when I'm wrong, but I expect her to do the same!
(this may seem like it goes back and forth, but I have a point, I promise!) When I went to the hospital to give birth to my son, She (11 at the time) was told by her Mom that she would be put on the back burner now and that she no longer would be a part of the family because we now had our own. I was going to be induced, labor wouldn't be until the following day, so She had to go to her softball game, she immediately thought we didn't want her there with us and that her Mom was right. I have tried to make her see the things her Mom tells her arent true, but whenever she gets mad at me or us, she tells her mom things that aren't true to get the empathy she is looking for and also gives her mom more fuel to throw at my husband.
My biggest problem at the moment, the main reason I am here for advice, is that everytime I am unhappy with her for any reason, she tells her Dad, Aunt, Grandparents and as of last month, therapist that I don't like her and I never did. I have sat down and told her I not only like her, but I love her! I do what I have to as a parent to help her grow as a person, learn things now that she will need later in life, and I am not at all harsh or mean, but it never fails if she is in trouble, I "hate her." I don't know what I'm supposed to do to make her realize that's not true. I've let her know that everytime she tells someone that it hurts me, I even told her (and I meant it for 2 reasons) that I don't need to have a baby girl because I already have my girl, and it's her! She's been wanting a baby sister, but I don't think I can handle her mom making her feel even more out of the family circle than she already has, and She already shows that she doesn't want a baby brother any longer now that he is here and almost a year old. We have even brought up the fact that Her older half brother is never around to see her anymore and when he still lived with us at home he never spent time with her, it hurt her and made her feel awful, but she is doing the exact same thing to her new brother. I don't know what to do anymore. (and by the way, her older brother is their Mom's son with another guy, when she left and moved, she left him here with my husband.....)
Anyway, do any of you have ANY advice that you can give me? I'm lost because She doesn't share her feelings openly, which was why she goes to therapy now, to get things off her mind to someone that has no opinion, personally, to either side. And the therapist actually told her on one occasion after talking about her mom, that she had absolutely no idea of what to say or advice to give because she has never had a child dealing with such a person.... Please HELP!