“Accidentally” almost harming bio son..
New to this site. I have seen others with similar issues but would love some outside perspective and advice on how to handle this:
My 9 year old step daughter has recently started staying with us again regularly after all of the pandemic precautions. She has not spent much time with her brother (my 6 month old son). The second visit she "accidentally" threw a toy at both me and my husband while we were holding our son. Both times it happened when she wasn't getting our full attention.
She geniuinely seems to love her brother when I see her interact with him, but when she isn't getting our full attention she acts out. She has some behavioral issues - diagnoses ADHD and ODD. I hadn't seen a lot of ODD behavior until recently with more sneakiness and lying. I was a little worried about the potential for her hurting my son, but now that it's starting to come true and my husband is in denial, I'm not sure what to do next.
i told my husband i won't watch the two of them together by myself until we have a plan, and that he needs to talk with her bio mom more about her ODD diagnosis since we didn't get a lot of information on it or her counseling sessions (which stopped months ago).
I care for my step daughter but my son is my priority, I need to make sure he is safe and right now I am constantly anxious when she is around about what she will "accidentally" do next.
Keep them apart. I don't let
Keep them apart. I don't let skid mix with my kids after he became aggressive with my then 6--month-old. I'm not taking any chances with me kids- I don't give a flying eff what ppl think. My kid is my priority and responsibility.
Nothing taking a belt to her
Nothing taking a belt to her butt won't fix.
smh
IMHO of course.
My sd’s are now 24.5 & 14.5
2 yrs ago they were already doing inappropriate things to my 2 kids who are now 4.5 & 3, they even fed really inappropriate things that would make them extremely sick.
i snapped at them and hubby was in denial that he believed his daughters did not have bad intentions with my kids to harm them... my sarcastic response was “what part of them convinces him of this?? Is it the fact they actively support bio mum going to witch drs to do black magic??” That shut him up real quick!!
i have refused to go to any meets or events skids will be at. They respect no boundaries and the sd miniwives believe they have authority to make parenting decisions regarding my kids.... i’m not putting up with it
Your DH needs to address this
Your DH needs to address this with her. It's normal for her to be jealous of a new child in a home where she previously was the only child, but it's not okay for her to try to hurt the baby, obviously. Your idea of her getting counseling and you not being alone with the two of them until she does is a good one.
Any tips on lessening the
Any tips on lessening the jealousy? I feel like everything I read says to praise the big sibling for helping with their brother/sister.. I'm trying to do that but it's hard when I don't fully trust her to help and when she does anything she expects to be rewarded every time (a whole issue in itself ha). Do I reward her for being nice to her brother? I feel like that is leading down a slippery slope :(
Well, I think it's important
Well, I think it's important for you and DH both to reassure her that she's still very important and loved (I say you, because seeing below that her mother isn't stable, I'm guessing part of her jealousy is about your son having a good mom while she doesn't), and that while you both understand she's feeling a little jealous, "accidentally" hurting her brother isn't okay. She should also get consequences for these "accidents", maybe then she'll be more "careful" the next time.
But therapy sounds like a good idea too, if life with Mom is rough. Would BM agree to that?
I think she would but in the
I think she would but in the past bio mom wouldn't include us in the counseling or give us updates - only her copay receipts.. she's on MY health insurance now though and with telehealth visits becoming the norm I hope my husband takes the reigns to get it set up this time. We just only have her a third of the time so it makes appts hard :/
What kind of punishment was
What kind of punishment was there for throwing toys? She's NINE, for heaven's sake, not two!
Oh, I am sure he "talked to
Oh, I am sure he "talked to her"... * eye roll *
Both times she was pretending
Both times she was pretending to juggle or dancing and throwing a toy up in the air, and both times she "accidentally" let it go towards the person holding the baby not paying enough attention to her. She has been doing small things like this - waking up baby by pretending she didn't know what the volume buttons were for example - and when confronted she really sticks to them all being accidents. The girl has a lot going on and a not so stable life with her bio mom, I do my best to give her structure and love but I just don't know what else to do now besides get her into a counselor
By letting her get away with
By letting her get away with things because she claims they were accidents, you are giving her a get out of jail free card. She will play that card with no limits. It's time there were consequences for her actions, whether they are accidents or not. She needs to learn to be more careful. So, it's time she was disciplined before she attempts something REALLY dangerous.
Yes, this. If I "accidentally
Yes, this. If I "accidentally" kill someone because I'm being reckless, I'm going to jail. Throwing toys in the air too close to her brother should get consequences, it's reckless and dangerous.
She seems jealous, this child
She seems jealous, this child has her perfect family- maybe try including her in the care of the baby (obviously with an adult!). Have her help with feeding, bathing, etc. Maybe that will help grow a bond. Sounds like some one on one time may help too, play a board game or something with her when the baby naps or goes to bed?
I think that is what is the
I think that is what is the hardest and most frustrating part - I do my best to make sure she has fun activities to do, books to read, stuff to play with - we play games almost every night. But still the attention needs to be constant ☹️ I think I need my husband to do more one on one time with her or something although that sucks because he's barely home to see his son either.
Yeah - he needs to be home
Yeah - he needs to be home more then. She has an unstable mom and now has to share you with your baby, and gets even less of her dad. It's him she really needs. Why is he never home?
He works a ton. I work full
He works a ton. I work full time too but I've been able to work from home. I already wasn't thrilled watching my step daughter alone but had been doing it when my husband and her bio mom are both working. Her bio mom is rude and lashes out at me calling me evil step mother, saying she doesn't want her at our house if I'm the sole care taker so that she can have her more. It makes it hard for me to keep fighting to have her at our house when my husband is gone all the time, and I have to worry about her attention seeking. It would probably be fixed if my husband were around more honestly but he won't be.
Honestly, I can't blame BM
Honestly, I can't blame BM for that. If your DH won't be home (sounds like it's not can't, but won't), she should be with her mother.
If these toys are
If these toys are "accidentally" being thrown, then she obviously doesn't need her stuff around the baby. She can keep her toys in HER room to prevent these "accidents." She will need to go play elsewhere. I think that is a fair natural consequence to prevent any further accidents.
I wouldn't let her in the same space alone with your child.
Hoo boy. My SD threw a toy
Hoo boy. My SD6 threw a toy once at my baby in his crib. I saw red. I looked at the toy (barbie car) and stomped it to pieces with my shoe. No, it was not replaced.