At a loss
1st note on this site... I have been married for 5 years and I love and respect my husband.
He has 4 daughters, 2 grown and married, 1 in College and 1 graduating HS this year. I have 2 HS aged kids, boy and girl. My husband and I with the 4 youngest have been a family for 5 years, They all live (d) with us full time. My kids father has limited visits and his exwife has little to no relationship with her daughters due to her own actions. 3 of the 4 girls do not have ANY relationship with her as their choice.
I have loved all 4 of these girls from the time I met them. The oldest has gone through a divorce and remairred in the 7 years I have been with my husband. I have done alot to support her, let her live in my house, bought her plane tickets to visit, Welcomed her to her live with my family when she left her 1st husband. I have always felt close to her, I love her. I get along fine the the 2nd daughter, The 3rd & 4th daughters were young teens when I met my husband and they were really struggling with their mother. I gave up my savings to help my husband gain custody of her girls. Because I loved them and I wanted them in a better place (with him). I truely wanted to be the mother they did not have, to show them the unconditional love of a mother. We had typical teenage kids/parent stuggels.
The 3rd daughter decided to go to a local college, She wanted to do the "dorm life". I encouraged her to stay at home and save the money, we are not paying for college, but we can cover her room and board at home. She wanted the dorm life so she did move into the dorm. I asked her to clean her room before moving out as I would like to be able to have guest (typically her grandmother) use it when she was not here. She freaked out. She felt that I was evicting her... I let that slide as tyupically teenage drama. When she left I went in and cleaned her her pigstig of a room. I hung all her clothes, put things in drawers. Took out all the trash and empty boxes and put 1 box of "stuff" in the basement. I aslo hung some of HER pictures and artwork on the wall, made the bed and moved it away from the wall. This was her room, with all her stuff, just clean enough that Grammy could sleep in it when she was not going to be there.
When she came "home at Thanksgiving" she was extremely rude to me and stated that she wasn't sure she could come back home because of me, even though the dorm life really cost too much. I was floored. devestaed really. I snapped at her once, I was so hurt. I love this girl. later, I assured her this is her home and she is always welcome. She continued to be EXCESSIVELY rude to me.
My husband in the meantime was nuetral.
His father has passed away this year and he wanted to have Christmas for his brothers and sisters and family with his mom at our house. I told him it was a wonderfuil idea, but he needed to let his kids know ASAP. He is not a great communicater and sure enough his oldest daughter sent a text that she was having Christmas at her house. I let my husband handle it and his note was simply, we were planning on Christmas at our house this year, she said okay.
A week later when all of his sibling and family were responding with yes, they would be there, I knew his daughter was not going to be happy. and sure enough she called us one evening "to talk".
She went on and on about how much her dad hurt her, by not including her in Christmas, we stated that we understood that once you are married, you often have to choose which family to spend Christmas with and we okay with whatever she choose. He apologized fo r her hurt and not stellar communication, she went on to tell him another 5 times how much he hurt her... I could see him getting upset, he would NEVER want to hurt her. I fet defensive for him, I said..."we heard you, It is enough, he apologized". The conversations continued and ended with her saying.. welll I hope you will do better in the future" in a very condisending tone.
I moved on, my husband moved on but appearently she did not. She was not answering phone calls, she would text her dad a note that she was busy, but never answered or returned the call.
3rd daughter came home over Christmas break and was even worse, Absolutely rude, ungrateful, mean. On Christmas, every gift was 'wrong" she hated it all and said so. I am stilled stunned at how rude and ungrateful she was. I just steered clear of her. It was aweful.
A few days late daughter 1 tells me she has not spoken to her dad in weeks because of me. She was angry that I cleared daughter 3's room, and disresected her on that phone call. I was floored. Daughter 1 and 3 decided to call a meeting to "talk". At first they did not want me there, then decided, I could be there but I was not to speak until spoken to.....
The meeting was all about how their dad is different because of me, how I kicked daughter 3 out (NEVER!!), How I was just like their mother, But it wasn't about me......???? They said time and again, I try to make everything about me, I was not 'allowed' to have feelings about this. Daughter 1's husband went off on a tirade yelling at me, standing over me, while I was backed into a corner and screaming mean and hateful things to the point my husband stood up, he directed his hatefulness at my husband and then stormed out.
It was horible and I was stunned to be honest. I thought these girls loved me as I love them and I realized they do not. They compared me to their mother (who is truely an aweful person) multiple times.
They DEMANDED apologiges and my husband and I made the apologies, Daughter 3 declined my apology.....Daughter 1's husband apologized via text a week later, but daughter 1 insisted I apologize to her husband.for being a bad listner....I did.
No apologies to me from the girls and I did not ask for one. It seems to ask for an apology means nothing. I want someone to tell me they are sorry if they are sorry, not becasue I asked them to say the words... They are not sorry, that is what hurts so much.
Here we are months later and I still cry about it when I am alone. I am so hurt to know these girls think such terrible and truly untrue things about me. I am scared they will walk away from their father who loves them so much, because of me. I am afraid to speak when I am around them, so I keep quiet. I am afraid to be myself, for fear I will say the wrong thing. I love my grandson so much and I am afraid they will take him away as well. My husband seems fine and "over it". I don't want to make a ruckous again, I just need to know how to get past it, I am so hurt.
Still love these girls....
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Comments
Please find yourself a
Please find yourself a therapist experienced in stepfamilies. Maybe a professional can help you recover your self esteem. That level of fear and grief is unhealthy and unwarranted because you did nothing wrong to those girls. Stop apologizing for their shitty behavior. They should be the ones who are afraid to act out again in your home.
You have a passive, ineffectual parent for a spouse. He probably needs to join you in a few sessions to learn how he has utterly failed you as a husband in dealing with these outbursts from his "adult" daughters.
You have to disengage from SD ‘s
They will never like you and trying to make your life he** . You have to accept that. What you did for them mean nothing to them. Now they are playing a game you will never win. No matter what you do, it’s going to be wrong. So just STOP. Make them dead to you .
They are just a bunch of
They are just a bunch of worthless user/losers. Remove toxic trash from your life.
suprised
I am suprised at the response.
I did not write it all down to have someone "on my side" - While I appreciate the 'support' of me. I love these girls and they all had a rough life. It is not something that is easliy explained in a short note.
They are wrong and I know they are wrong... the problem is 'why are they acting/ feeling this way?' It may never be something that can be "fixed", maybe they have some of the same narassitic behaviors their mother has, which I believe is a mental disorder.
My husband and I both came from abusive marriages - I left my marriage, his wife left him. He wouldn't leave because of his girls. He did all he could at the time to raise them well and honestly, outside of this, they are all good girls, at least I have always believed that. He found out so much more after he was apart from his ex wife of her abuse towards them. He tought it was just him that was so mentally abused.
When we met I was in slightly better financial situation. that is why I helped, but now he is the major breadwinner, There is no one being "used' in our relationship.
Yes, He was not as supportive as I would have liked, at least not in front of his girls, but he did stand up for me in a very calm way. I do not want or expect him to choose me over the them or vice versa. I would have liked him to put his foot down on their behavior, but he was pretty calm and - seeing both sides ...
On this page, I was hoping for some sound advice on dealing with my saddness over the realization that these 2 girls that I love, don't feel the same way about me. I am truly hearthbroken and I feel like there is no one who really understands my feelings on this. I know my husband would listen and care, but I don't want to put him back in the middle of things. I could use some advice on how to handle my semi weekly interactions with them.
I married a man I love and respect, he may not be perfect, but he is a good honest man and I love him & his girls. Uncondionally, that is what partners/ parents do.
I think that some counselling could be good, but I won't be removing anyone from my life at this point.
Thank you all for your support
You are surprised at the responses
I am surprised at your surprise. I read your post - it was extremely, how shall I say, INTENSE, with emotion. Thats the best I can to do explain the types of responses. Your intensity of emotion and sadness is what I reacted to, at first. You are asking for an unemotional, logical, rational way to deal emotionally and a logical, rational way to address the people that you loved who you thought loved you back and in fact right now they do not.
1. How the SD's are treating you sounds horrific, to the point where there can be no "neutrality". They are making you the bad guy, and manipulating your DH, so that he will do what they want. You are definitely not the "bad guy", but everyone in your story seems to need a villan and you are safe to hate. I was in your position, whereby lies were told, I was yelled at and called names. Well, when Toxic Feral Eldest decided to live elsewhere at 18, I left her pigsty of a room alone with the door closed for about 5-7 months, then unleashed the angry cleaning Fairy on it. It is now a peace ful oasis with koi fish tank, a beautiful writing desk, big leather chair, plants and it smells amazing. There should be no expectation that you are the whipping post that is safe to hate. You need to stand up and not be a cowering doormate that apologises to appease the jerks.
2. SD expected you to keep her pigsty of a room as a storage locker for her sh!t. No. Just no. SHE decided to leave, that should be made clear by DH. She can live there and visit as long as she treats you with civility and respect. Period.
3. Using the grandkids as hostages - you do not negotiate with terrorists. Once you start with SD and her hubby, they will forever use this as ammunition. The dude yelled at you, screamed at you and DH did nothing? Have a chat with him pronto and explain that you are his WIFE, and to be treated with respect as such. To disrespect YOU is to also disrespect HIM, and is he up for THAT?
4. The nuetrality of DH is a big problem. You have not mentioned the great catalyst that drove the 2 SD against you, did something happen, or did they gradually grow into enabled spoiled and hateful people? I agree that probably they are narcissists, getting this from their abusive mother. I too have a BM, Toxic Troll who is EXTREMELY NARCISSISTITC, and her daughter, Toxic Feral Eldest is EXACTLY THE SAME.
5. While I have empathy for the abuse these children have had to endure, they are grown somewhat and can discern that their behavior is atrocious. As to how to handle it - disengage. DH can have love fest with his narcissistic spawn somewhere where it doesnt affect you, where you can be yourself, live your life without getting yelled at and disrespected. He wants to continue enabling them he can do it somewhere where you are not. Your home is your domain. They can go elsewhere.
Hope that this helps. Also therapy. Keep reading. Keep posting.