Son never knew his other family

My son's biological father has not been around since he was 2 years old. He will be 12 next month. We have had no contact with him or his family in 10+ years and it has been wonderful.
However, for some reason, my son's grandmother decided to send me a "friend" request on Facebook. Like I would actually accept that. I started to ignore it, but then I took it as an opportunity to let her know what I thought of her and her family.
She wasn't really happy with what I had to say. I told her that I was doing wonderful but I have been really busy for the last 12 years raising the perfect son. I let her know how much my family has helped out and has really contributed to raising my son with me. I typed about six paragraphs as a response to "how are you doing?" It was not nice, but I feel like it was a long time coming. She responded back with "I'm sorry for bothering you and your perfect little life". She also said the reason my son is the way he is was because of her family. Excuse me, I didn't know your family had ANYTHING to do with raising my son AT ALL! They never offered any help, NOTHING. So where does she get the nerve to tell me that my son is the good kid he is because of her family. She's lost her mind.
My issue is that my son is at church camp with my mother right now. Do I tell him about his other grandmother contacting me and let him read what I told her? I want him to know that these people might try to contact him later on. I don't want him mislead into thinking that they are good people. They are horrible and its been nice not having them in our lives.

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If he doesn't care now,

If he doesn't care now, eventually he might. I don't know if he's on Facebook or not, but these days it will be just as easy for her to contact him as it was to contact you. I don't know how long you thought before you responded to her, and depending on what you wrote, it might not have been the best idea. Either way it sounds like you're doing your job (plus some) as a mother in raising your son. Congratulations.

He's not on Facebook or

He's not on Facebook or anything like that. I have never spoken ill of his father, or really spoken of him at all. But, my son has grown up and formed his own opinion about the people that abandoned him when he was 2 years old. I blocked her from my Facebook.

IMO, no. He's too young to

IMO, no. He's too young to understand the whole situation, and should be left out of adult matters. When he's older, then tell him and let him decided. Does he ask about his BD now?

He has asked about his father

He has asked about his father in the past and I just tell him that he made the choice to not be around but I made the choice to be his mother and we leave it at that. Since my son will be 12 next month, he is old enough to have formed his own opinions about that family. He gets upset if someone doesn't know and asks him about his father. He doesn't like to talk about him at all.

Another justified PAS? I hope

Another justified PAS? I hope it doesn't bite you in the butt like it did my mil...good luck.

What do you mean? How could

What do you mean? How could it be PAS when I've never said or done anything to stop them from seeing my son? They've had plenty of opportunities to keep ties with him, but they broke them. Read my other responses.

Geez, I know. I've been

Geez, I know. I've been given some good advice, but some people are one sided and have views based on their current situation and it has nothing to do with what I originally posted.

What do you mean? How could

You're debating whether or

You're debating whether or not to let your son know his grandmother tried to get in touch. That's you standing in the way of them seeing your son. That's alienation.

They don't really want to see

They don't really want to see him. They just like to cause trouble....always have.

I'm not sure why your son's

I'm not sure why your son's father's family has not been part of his life. How much does he know about that side of his family? At some point your son will probably wish he had some contact with them...even if it were simply for the opportunity to discover that they are not the kinds of people he wishes to have in his life. I do think that at 12 years old, you should let him know that he has been in their thoughts enough for them to make an effort to make contact. I don't know what all was in the message you replied with. I don't think that's information you need to offer. I don't think it would be fair to impose your thoughts & feelings toward his dad's family on your son, just because you don't want to put him in a postition of feeling obligated to feel the same way. Good or bad in your mind, they are still your son's family, & he should have the chance to form his own opinions & the opportunity to have relationships with them.

BM sharing her personal opinions about DH with their children is what has caused them to cut off contact with DH & his family. Regardless of BM's feelings, they still deserve to know their dad & have relationships with him. They are missing out on things they'll never be able to go back into the past & recover.

You are right, that is why I

You are right, that is why I have never spoken ill of his father or his family around my son. He is old enough to realize that me and my family have taken care of him and loved him all of his life and these people live 1/2 mile from my parents (7 miles from me) and they've never tried to contact us. My parents have had the same phone number since the beginning of time! I was in a home improvement store with my son one day when he was 4 years old. His grandmother happened to work there. She saw us coming down the aisle and turned and went the other way. WTF? I would have spoken to her, but now, 10 years has been too long to live 1/2 mile from these people and they act like we don't exist.
I'll tell my son that she tried to contact us and see how he reacts. If he wants to know what she wanted, I'll just tell him she wanted to know how he was.

Now that I think about it

Now that I think about it more, I don't think my son will ever want anything to do with that family. He knows where they live because he barely remembers it and had asked me about it one day when we drove past their house.
To answer your question about why my son's father's family never had anything to do with him. I really don't know. We never did anything to these people. I tried to keep them in the loop after his father left us, but they treated me like an outcast when I would call to stop by and visit. Not like I really wanted to visit, but I didn't want them to be left out. I guess, looking back, they did it to themselves. They made me feel uncomfortable in their home and in their presence and I didn't want to be around them. The smoked cigarettes around my son when I had asked them not to on several occasions. They said it was good for him to be exposed to it that way he could get used to it and it wouldn't bother him when he got older. That was pretty much the dumbest thing I'd ever heard up to that point in my life. It still makes it into the top 5.
All in all, I think my son is a better kid and much healthier because they have been out of the picture his whole life.

Them being ill-mannered & you

Them being ill-mannered & you not wanting to be around them doesn't make them horrible people. Horrible people are dangerous people. Just because you don't like them doesn't make them any less your son's family. I think you're letting your personal issues with them affect your choices. I think you want your son to believe he only needs you in his life. You're making excuses to justify your choices, & your excuses are based around what will keep those people out of your life.

I would have just declined

I would have just declined her friend request. However, since you blasted her I also think you need to drop her as a friend on FB and do what you can to keep the SpermClan out of your son's life.

I wish we were in the same situation you have been in. Having no contact with BioDad or the SpermClan would have been a blessing for our son (my SS-17).

I would go back to the pre FB friend request situation if at all possible.

Good luck and best regards.

Perhaps it's because I'm on

Perhaps it's because I'm on the other side of the fence having no contact with DH's kids, but I don't see how it's fair to a child to not even give them the opportunity to know his family. He deserves to know that he at least means enough to them to cross their minds. He should know that he's not so forgetable to them that they never give him a second thought. Perhaps they're not ideal, but it doesn't make them bad, & it doesn't make them any less his family. If they're bad people, he'll figure it out. Just because BM feels it's not important for skids to be in touch with DH's side of the family doesn't make it less important to the kids. I completely understand how difficult it can be to have to deal with the other side. I have been there. But I truly feel that if you don't give the child the chance to form those opinions on their own they will always wonder.

Well, like I said, I've never

Well, like I said, I've never spoken ill about them, my son knows where they live and he knows they have never been around. I gave them plenty of opportunities and they just act like we don't exist. So here we are 10 years later and they think they can just waltz back in when they start feeling bad about things. I just don't buy it. If it was a genuine attempt to try to see my son, I would give it a chance, but that's what they do. In one day and out the next.
My son's grandfather has three sons and didn't raise any of them. He didn't even see his two oldest sons until they were 16 & 17 years old. This is the type of people they are. They are not drug addicts or pedophiles, they just don't have family values and its all about them.
I hate that you are in the situation you are in because I definitely know the other side as well. My bf's kids live with their mother about 30 minutes away from us. We go to all of their ball games and are supposed to get them every other weekend. However, sometimes they don't want to come. The youngest, age 6, has told us that "Mommy gets mad when we go with you, so I have to stay and take care of her". The kids act like they don't know their grandmother, my bf's mom. It breaks her heart, but they keep making the effort to let the kids know that they are loved and thought about.
My son's father's family has never made any attempts. It's weighing on their minds though, or she wouldn't have tried to contact me.
I think I'll just not do anything and act like it never happened. If my son ever asks me about them, like who they are, I'll tell him the truth and try to keep it as unbiased as possible.

In one sentence you say they

In one sentence you say they have never made any attempts, & in the very next sentence you mention her trying to contact you. That's an attempt!

Do what you want, but you're doing your son no favors in blocking communication between him & his family members.

Stormy, To me family is not

Stormy,

To me family is not an accident of genetics. It is earned and it is action based. If these people have had no contact in 10yrs they are not this boy's family regardless of their genetic relationship.

Certainly the boy should have contact with them if he chooses. However, I think his mother who is his family and earned her status as family has the responsibility to protect him from THEM until he is 18 if she believes that to be in the boy's best interest. If at that time the boy wants to have contact with the SpermClan then he should. Though he should be fully informed of history of their actions and behavior and have mom's input on why she felt it best not to actively persue interface with them during his childhood.

At best this is an extremely difficult situation. We do not have quite this bad a situation with my SS's BioDad and the SpermClan but we spend significant time and both financial and emotional resources countering the toxic influence of the poluted end of his gene pool. When he reached ~13-14 we started including him in the sessions with attorneys, gave him access to his drawer in the file cabinet with the complete record of all of the court hearings, his BioDad's arrest and criminal records, PI reports, telephone and coversation logs, court recordings of all of the testimony in the hearings we have had, etc......

Our son (my SS) still visits his SpermClan. He will share with anyone who asks that his BioDad is a POS, that his SpermGrandMa is an enabler, etc..... He will also say that the only reason he visits is to hive his three younger also out-of-wedlock half sibs a break from SpermGrandMa's screaming and BioDads crap.

Since SpermGrandMa initiated contact via a FB friend request I will use my own mother as an example. If either my brother or I had out-of-wedlock children or children with an XW she would be in lives of those children big time. She would ensure that we were supporting those kids, executing visitation with those kids and she and dad would have very active relationships with those kids.

IMHO these people are not family and have zero reason to be contacting this family unless it is to give them a crapload of inheritance from wealthey great aunt or something.

Obviously there is a bunch more information associated with this situation that we don't have. With information that has been shared I don't think these people are the boy's family. They have not earned that honor.

Just my thoughts of course.

Best regards.

I'm just saying, she says her

I'm just saying, she says her son has formed his own opinion that he doesn't like these people. If that's the case, what's the harm in letting him know they tried to contact her? She doesn't want them in her life. Maybe deep inside he wants to get to know his biological father's family. Maybe he doesn't. If she's so certain it is truly HIS opinion why not just let him know they called? That way he'll never be able to say she stood in the way. Your son doesn't think much of the SpermClan, but he still visits them. He has been given the opportunity to develop his own feelings about them. For a child to just be told that the other side of his family doesn't care about him, when they are in fact trying to get in touch with him is wrong.

Well said. Thanks Rags.

She never was my friend on

She never was my friend on Facebook. She sent me the request with a message attached this morning. I started to ignore it and hit decline, but I thought it was a perfect opportunity to say some things that had been boiling inside of me for 10 years. I really hate this woman and most of their family. She was really mean to me when I was dating my son's father. I would come into their house with him and was never offered anything to drink, a place to sit, nothing. They would eat dinner right in front of me and never offer anything. Everyone would sit down to eat and I would just be invisible or something. She always had something nasty to say to me when she did bother to speak and now she wants to be "friends" on Facebook. She's flipped her lid!

She's never spoken to him

She's never spoken to him since he's been able to talk.

"They are horrible and its

"They are horrible and its been nice not having them in our lives."
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If your son has formed his opinion, & if it's the same as yours, there should be no concern about having them in your son's life. You say "our" lives. Your son's life is the only one to consider when it comes to his father. I'm certain it has been nice for you to not have to deal with the people you don't like. This is something that will affect your son for the rest of his life. If he truly feels they are horrible people, he won't want them in his life. The fact that you're considering not even telling him they tried to make contact is holding him to believe they are horrible, & is letting him to continue to believe he isn't important to them. In my opinion, that wouldn't be fair to your son on your part.

THANK YOU!!!! What do

THANK YOU!!!! What do you think about my son being 12 and what he should and shouldn't know?
I had bragged on my son in my response to her. I told her that he is a good kid and it was all to the thanks of my family helping me to raise him. She responded back with "the reason he is a good kid is because of our family". How????? They have never done ANYTHING for him AT ALL! I just blew that off and blocked her from seeing anything on my Facebook.

Thanks for the great

Thanks for the great response. I found it really helpful.
I think my son is mature enough to handle this. He is at church camp right now, but will be back tomorrow, so that will give me enough time to chew on this and figure out what to do.
I don't think she is being sincere about anything. If you only knew this woman and her manipulative ways.... Our life has been great since they have been out of it and I'd like to keep it that way.
I think you're right about protecting our children from everything. He comes to me for guidance and I want to give him the best information that I have. I'll have to sleep on this and maybe get a little help from Captain Morgan.

I haven't alienated him from

I haven't alienated him from anyone. They have chosen not to be a part of his life and that's just how it is. I tried to keep them in the loop with him, but they wouldn't return phone calls and when I told them I would stop by for a visit, they weren't home.
So, that's that. It's their fault and now they want to try to come back in and "fix" things. They can try if they want, but I don't think it will work.

OMG, I was about to lash out!

OMG, I was about to lash out! Thanks for making me smile!

Thanks

My reply wold have been

My reply wold have been something like this...

We are well. Thank you for asking.

End of message.
Letting loose on her with pent up anger for the past 12 yrs may have made you feel good but it solves nothing. Also she asked "How are you doing?" She didn't specify your son's health and welfare so she didn't really need a qualification how lucky your son is to have your family and not hers.

Granted, their values are different to yours. But one day your son may require a kidney or a lung and that family may be the only good match. OK, not a lung *grin* but you never know.

Tell your son his dad's mother wanted to 'friend' you on FB but you don't really want to be her 'friend' because you don't really know her. Which is true if you think about it. 12 years and not a sound? She may be a different person now. She offered an olive branch and you bit her arm off. I suspect she wanted to find out how her grandson is doing and is he like his Dad. Some people really have no social graces and I doubt she would walk up to you in the street and extend a handshake.

So I would reduce the interaction to what it is. Someone you knew over 12 yrs ago has tried to get in touch but you didn't really ever have much in common so can't see why you should puruse the matter.

One thing to bear in mind is maybe eventually your son will run up against his fathers family in your town as he enters high school. Cousins or 2nd cousins or some kind of relative. Even maybe a half sibling. Who knows? He needs to have the tools to deal with this without you being there.

Thank goodness they don't

Thank goodness they don't have any other grandchildren in our area. We don't have the risk of running into any of their family.
I actually did run into my son's uncle a while back while I was alone. He is my son's father's half brother. He was raised by his mother and had minimal contact with his dad growing up. He was nice to me, always was. He was the only person in that family that wasn't a smartass to me, so I was fine talking to him.

I guarantee this... at some

I guarantee this... at some point in his life your son will NEED to find out more about his Dad.

As an adult who met her father for the first time 3 weeks ago, I feel I am qualified to comment.

My parents marriage broke up 3 years after my birth. She says he was a deadbeat alcoholic who abandoned her. He says she was a nasty shrew who made his life miserable until he could take it no more. I know the truth lies somewhere in the middle. And you know what? I don't care! I don't care who did what, who said what, and who paid for what. I don't give a damn. Their inability to build a relationship has nothing to do with my relationship with each of my parents.

I needed to see my fathers face, hear his voice, hold his hand, know his history, meet his family, just spend time with him. I met him 3 weeks ago and he's not a monster. He is a normal flawed human being. I have his eyes, we have the same sense of humour. He is kind, open, and loving. I love him to bits, and a huge part of the puzzle slipped into place the moment I first saw his face.

We already have a close relationship. I'm being careful, and taking things slowly, but I'm SO happy I decided to look for him. I wish I had done it years ago.

So here's the interesting bit - I am the youngest of four children. I was adopted out at birth. My three older siblings grew up with our mother, being told that poor mother had to do everything on her own because daddy was a loser. I grew up with another family and don't have any preconceived ideas about my mother OR father.

I am building a strong relationship with my father. My sister (who grew up with our mother) hates her father for what he "did to us" and can't build a relationship with him because she is filled with guilt that she is being disloyal to our mother by talking to our father. She's miserable.

Whats the difference? The difference is PAS.

Good on you for bringing up your son on your own, but now comes the hard part. Grit your teeth, swallow your opinions on his family and give your son the ultimate gift. Tell him if he ever needs to find his dad, you'll help him.

One last piece of advice, your son will never forgive you if he finds out you have withheld information on his fathers family from him. Who knows, he may choose not to contact them, but it has to be his decision, not yours.

I have a cousin that was

I have a cousin that was adopted as an infant. My aunt never withheld any information from her. When she was in college, she decided to look for her birth parents. They were married and living in another state. They had her when they were teenagers, but made the decision to put her up for adoption. My cousin is a wonderful painter and very artistic. When she met her birth mother, she turned out to be an artist. They all had a lot in common and she got to find out the story behind why she was put up for adoption.

Good advice. Thanks.

UPDATE I thought about it

UPDATE
I thought about it over the weekend and decided that my son was mature enough to read what I wrote to his his paternal grandmother. I started out by telling him that she had contacted me and asked how we were doing. His response was "Why does she care all of a sudden?" I said "I don't know, but this is how I responded to her" and showed him the Facebook entry. His response told me everything that I needed to know about how he feels about these people, so that's what pushed me to let him read what I wrote to her. He rolled his eyes and laughed at the part where his grandmother said "the reason he is such a good kid is because of our family and he looks just like his daddy". My son said "they don't have anything to do with how I am". That comment made me smile because he knows who has worked so hard to make him the young boy he is today. I sat in silence while he read and after he was finished, he said "I don't ever want to see that again". And that was it.

He does have a good head on

He does have a good head on his shoulders

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Son never knew his other family

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