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Why won't Husband's ex-wife let go of his family??

hoshort's picture

My husband and I have been married for 10 years and although his ex-wife made the beginning of our marriage a struggle, we don't have to deal with her much anymore. My step-son is 19. We have found out over the years that my husband's ex still tlaks to his parents and siblings - even sending them pictures of her and her new family. She was never close to my husband's family even when they were married. Recently, his brother just had a new baby girl. Now the ex-wife has friend requested them on Facebook "so she can get pictures of the baby". My husband asked his brother why he acceptted and he said she has been bugging him and sending messages for the last two months. He was tired of her bothering him. My husband sent her a message asking her to please move on with her life and her family and leave his family alone. She responded by saying she would "talk to his Mother and see what she wanted her to do". I could understand their being contact if they had been close when married - but they were not and all of his family lives many hours away. She has caused such a riff even between my husband and his son. It seems like a control thing to me. She says it is perfectly normal for her to keep in contact with his family because they are her son's family. My husband is also frustrated with his family for not respecting his wishes. I know for myself, I have no contact with my ex's family. If they need to know things concerning my son, they go through my ex. How about anyone else. Does this seems crazy to you??

hoshort's picture

He has tried. A few years ago when SS was younger, his Mother said she did not contact the ex but that if the ex contacted her - she didn't want to be cut off from grandson. My husband explained that she would see and hear about grandson through us. We thought that was the end of it. Then while on a visit after that we were flipping through a photo album on the coffee table and there was a picture of ex and her family. My husband asked and his Mother said it was sent to her and since it had grandson in it she put it in photo album. His family just doesn't seem to get how awful she was during the divorce and that it realy would be better to cut ties. It hurts my husband so much and he says he feels as if everyone is doing things behind his back. I am just thankful that now that SS is 19 - I don't have to have any contact with her until he graduates College. Everyone thinks she is this sweet person who cares about other people but she is really is manipulative and fake. She will smile to your face and then spread gossip behind your back. My husband and I feel like we are the only ones who can see the Monster behind the mask.

winehead's picture

Sounds exactly like my DH's ex. She caused all sorts of drama with his family while they were married but now wants to be best friends with his siblings and their kids. I just haven't made it my issue. If they want to be friends with her now, fine. They're all good to me and even include my BD in their lives, so I just leave it alone. Makes my DH crazy, and honestly I think that's why she wants to have these relationships. She's never around when I am so it's not worth spending energy on something I can't do anything about.

dsngrl's picture

i dont know why bm cant just butt out.. it is maddening.. you have the same situation as me.. it is disgusting. I thought about putting ultimatums on grandma to stop contact, but then they turn it around on me and think i am being unreasonable. I find it very unsettling that these contacts are completely abnormal and weird, yet we are the only ones that see it and they fail to grasp the concept of they broke up/divorced/whatever.. its time to move on bitch!

ToddlerMealsTimes2's picture

BM in our situation does the exact same things. I was amazed one year at Christmas (DH has custody) when HIS family sent DSD's Christmas presents to BM's house, but whatever.

BM has also started befriending the "new" family members. DH's brother's second wife etc. People who weren't even part of the family when she and DH were married. People who live 5 states away; who didn't marry in until after DH and I were together, etc.

Of course my in-laws still allow BM to use them as a hotel when she vacations. Which is why my family (DH, me, the kids) stays in 5 star when we are visiting them. Take that BM! LOL

jojo68's picture

My ex's family still call me and we talk a few minutes before I give the phone to my son. Some of them are friends of mine on Facebook. I visit with them and have a cold drink with them when I go pick up my son from visiting....but that is about it. My ex left because he had another woman. I guess they are still nice to me out of respect and it is definately easier for their grandchild/nephew. I don't know...I think everyone's situation is different.

Synaesthete's picture

Sheesh, someone needs to get this lady to look up the word "boundaries" in the dictionary... *rolleyes*

I do understand though. The BM in our case still speaks to DH's family a lot, and they love talking to her, too - that being said, it's a lot more recently that they divorced in our case, she was relatively close with them during the marriage and she lives closer to them and has the kids most of the time. With those things in mind, even though it really does frustrate DH and myself to no end, I do understand and think that with time it'll get better - a big part of it was that she didn't see or speak to her own family for a long time and recently she's started reconnecting with them.

It *is* still frustrating though; it almost de-legitimizes you as the wife when they still have that much involvement with the former. In your case, she does seem a little nutty and it probably is a control or "nosy" thing like others have said. It's normal for her to at least be cordial with her child's family, but that family can have access to that child through the father. *shrug*

If it were me, I think I would *try* (key word, :P) to count to ten, remind myself if she needs to act like she's still involved to make herself feel better, that's her issue, but the reality is you are the wife now, these are your in-laws now and no amount of begging and pleading she has to do to get the family to acknowledge her changes that. Smile Over time, as the child gets older, she'll have even less of an excuse because he'll be able to maintain that contact with his family on his own.

Sorry you have to deal with this!

buttercookie's picture

My BM used to call my mil all the time and try to start crap. I told MIL I don't want to hear it, I don't care that they talk but I don't want to hear it. MIL passed away last October. I do miss her but I don't miss the stuff her and BM put me through.

JesseGirl's picture

I can understand your frustration, especially since the ex wife was horrible during the divorce.
Maybe they are also afraid of just flat out turning her away? Socially, that could be seen as rude I supose, but at this point, it shouldn't matter. They should be cordial to each other, but for her to be soooo involved sounds like she has a total lack of boundaries.

hoshort's picture

Now to throw a new monkey wrench into things - We have found out through Ex-wife's postings on Facebook, that she allowing 19 year old son to drink at her house even drinking with him. We knew he was drinking at college because he kept telling my son how he gets wasted all of the time. But now to find out she is "cool" with it was just the last straw for my husband! She posted that she was "SOOOOOO Proud of her son because he called her last weekend because he was too drunk to drive. My husband talked to his son and let him know that he did not approve of his underage drinking and that not only was it extremly dangerous it was against the law! Stepson said "Well Mom says it's ok as long as I don't drive". Look, he is 19 we all know it is going to take one time of him thinking he is fine to end up with a tragedy! There is nothing my husband can do except voice his opinion(which no one is listening to). He did make sure he let his family know what a "great and caring" Mom she was. MIL was shocked. Let's just say next time she want to talk to MIL, there will be a new topic of conversation.

disneymom78's picture

I agree, does sound like the BM can't let go... kinda like she wishes to be marryed to your man still...

pat's picture

Sounds like my ex. I told her not to contact my family , but, she did. The divorce was nasty and expensive. So, my family goes and talks to her . Now, I don't deal with none of them. She is a ex for a reason. That is only a control thing, period.

pat's picture

I believe you need to draw a line in the sand. Us ( you and your husband ) or her. My parents and siblings had totall disregard for my feelings and still talked to her because they wanted to see the kids. I told them not to , so I don't talk to none of them. It will only get worse. Again, she is a ex for a reason. This is your life and you don't need her a part of it, period.

kit2kat00's picture

it's an awkward situation. sounds like she's just causing trouble for the sake of causing trouble. I am infrequently in contact with my ex's family, only so they can see my daughter. you can't fix anyone else, so I'd suggest leaving well enough alone. if his family wants to be involved they will, if they don't, they won't facebook friend her. my DH's ex is still in contact with some of his family and I don't care. I did have to put a stop to his ex sending desserts to his family holidays with me there. that's just ignorant.

bjmoore17's picture

I have an uncle that was divorced from his wife when I was in 7th grade. My cousin (their son) is the same age as me. We are now 31. My uncle remarried just about 3 years after his divorce to a wonderful woman. They are still married. My uncle's ex-wife still tries to contact my aunt's and cousins. She even tried to invite herself to one of our family reunions. It wouldn't be so bad if the divorce wasn't so bitter. She caused a lot of problems for my cousin at a very impressionable time in his life. She tried to wreck my uncle's wife when they were dating by getting on the interstate and chasing after her. My new aunt had to stop at a toll booth, old aunt gets out of the car with a ball bat. It was crazy! New aunt had already called the police and they were actually already at the toll booth and saw everything.
Even after all of that craziness, my old aunt STILL contacts my family. I think she realizes that she messed everything up and wants to try to work her way back into our family, even if she can't be married into it. She wants her old life back, but it will NEVER happen.

pat's picture

that is crazy. Why do people have to act so crazy with all the garbage? It will only hurt you in the end.

True mom's picture

My husband's ex doesn't get it. She didn't want the life when she had it but now she does or just refuses to let go "stupid". I find that the communication between an ex and her ex's family whether it be parental, sibling, cousins, completely disrespectful and crosses many boundaries. It completely disregards the life the related family member has chosen to move forward with. Ex's!! Get a life, one that is yours not your ex's!!! GROW UP & MOVE ON!!! In all honesty, if you have someone new in your life what does the person you're trying to build a life with really think about how YOU can't move on and still NEED to be a part of your "EX'S" life.

skylarksms's picture

Ha - my MIL told me that when she went to visit my SD in the hospital, BM came and said to her how much she misses her and wants her to still be a part of the family.

MIL also told me (and had told me before) about how she had asked to visit with the kids and made plans with them just for BM to cancel or no show. MIL said that if she wanted her to still be a part of the family, she's got a weird way of showing it!

disneymom78's picture

A lot of posts on this subject. So glad others are going through this too. My BM had no relationship with the MIL but now she posts going to a state fair with them???

Here's my thought the BM is MARRIED to another man.....(who was best friends with my DH at one time)
Her keeping in contact and saying "Happy mothers day" to my DH's mom has GOT to piss him off!

Waitingfor2018's picture

Okay, this is the first time I've ever posted but this discussion just hit too close to home. Until I read this I was beginning to think that I was the one that was crazy. Thank you for helping to reaffirm my sanity.
My DH and his ex-GF(BM) from 12 yrs ago have son 13. Until I came into picture DH's family was still inviting BM to DH's family functions. He tried to stop this years ago but his family said they were doing it for SS13 and since all holidays are at their house, he gave them all the decision power. All they were doing though was confusing SS13. Until he was 10 he thought his parents were divorced when he was a baby. They were never married! When DH and I started dating seriously BM kept telling SS13 that she and I needed to "hang out" and he would constantly, for weeks, say I should be good friends with his mom. He also told his dad that while he liked me "alright enough" he didn't want us to get married because that would mean his mom would be alone. Sweet kid of course but just shows that the behavior of all involved had set him up for confusion and disappointment. He only thinks this way because BM and DH's family led him to believe she was still a big part of DH's life.
Of course since no one, including my now DH would say anything (he would rather avoid the topic), I had to eventually tell my DH to tell BM (or I would) to stop encouraging SS13 to make suggestions about "hanging out". DH said she was sad that we couldn't all be good friends. He truly believes that she just doesn't get it. This is just one of many ways she still tries to manipulate my DH.
Fast forward-DH and I have been married for 3 yrs and have a DD1. BM is still talking to SS13 about wanting to spend time with us and now tries to involve my daughter. For the first 6 months of my DD's life I had to hear from SS13 about how much his mom would really like to meet my daughter. Drove me crazy. Wasn't enough that I had to deal with constant reminders that I was the only one experiencing this momentous event for the first time. I also had to deal with his whole family talking about how things were with BM when SS was born and try to explain as kindly as possible to a child why his mother's wishes are not relevant when it comes to my daughter. My husband has explained to BM that I do not want to be friends, especially since they can't have a civil conversation through any means but email but she still keeps making comments to SS13 that I have to deal with every weekend (yes, we have him every weekend) I don't want her (BM) any where near my daughter. She is not a person I would ever have in my life even if she was a stranger I met on the street. Why she thinks she has a right to be a part of mine and my daughter's life just b/c my DH and her forgot to wear a condomn when they were in college makes no sense to me. (that is harsh, I know) I find it weird that she even wants to. They didn't have a long relationship and only stayed together for the year they lasted b/c she was pregnant. It isn't like they raised SS together and then I came along. SS has no actual memories of them together because they separated before he was two.
I have somewhat expressed this to my MIL and she seems receptive and says she believes SS13 is old enough to understand now. However, no one is stepping up to explain it to him.
Anyway, I guess I'm done ranting. Just wanted to say thanks though for letting me know that I'm not alone and not completely insane or wrong.

Skywalker's picture

Wow. I guess a lot of us have this issue. Husband had a daughter when I married him (about 7 y.o.) with his mentally unstable, promiscuous ex-wife. She treated his family (sisters, parents, etc.) really, really badly. She was not ready for the marriage to end and did everything in her power to cause problems.

When my daughter was born, she became enraged that we would send SD a picture of the baby, writing us a nasty letter and telling us not to do that again. When we showed up to pick up SD, she all of a sudden tried to put on a "nice face" (for SD I think) and said she wanted to see the baby and make comments about it. She's been nothing but rude to me for the past 15 years or so and snubbed me in every conceivable way.

Fast forward to today. Psycho ex now has three kids by three different men. She sent a group of Facebook friend requests to DH's family. Most if not all of them accepted. She is even a member on a private FB "family" page of DH's family. She has sent DH's family pictures of not just SD, but herself and her new kids, as well as called them for favors. One of these pictures they have up on their refrigerator. Despite all the marriages/men she's had in the intervening years, she always insisted on keeping DH's last name.

I tried to be nice and understanding for many years (or at least not angry), but I'm over swallowing this stuff. I don't have respect for her as a person or like her for who she is--mean, stalker-ish, and nasty. So sorry DH ever had to get involved with trash like that at one time because it ended up hurting us all in numerous ways. SD has been poisoned against us (me especially) and ended up bullying my daughter. I've decided (recently enough) that I want my daughter to have no exposure to his ex, honestly very little with SD. I don't want her to meet her, socialize with her, or hear about her, even from SD. It's inappropriate, unnecessary, and I'm beyond tired of it. If DH's family is going to keep in touch with her in some misguided attempt to not rock the boat, whatever. But I'm probably just going to pull away from them if that happens, and from this point forward I'm drawing the line of where she's let in at myself, my daughter, and any other kids I might have. I've had enough.

Oh and for the record I'm sick of people excusing these inappropriate boundary crossing interactions with, "We ****** with her for the good of the child" etc. No they didn't, that's a bullshit excuse and they should know it.

stepschooled's picture

Hoshort your singing to the choir!!!!!!
MY MIL and SIL's all socialize & have frequent contact with BM. Family functions/birthday parties, etc... In all honesty BM has the three SD's most of the time. But what is odd is that BM and My husbands family never liked each other while they were together. BM had cheated on him multiple times before my husband left her. Now my husband and I have two children, a son and a daughter. MIL and SIL's have no relationship with them. Our two kids are not invited to the (SIL) birthday parties or MIL's grandkid get togethers. BM has power & control issues, worked hard to befriend my husbands family why they were getting divorced but still won't let go and move on. Its been three years. I feel like im invisible, I am not even acknowledged as a daughter in law, sister in law....nothing. I am becoming enraged that my children are being left out. My husband wants NOTHING to do with his family and resents that I keep trying to create a relationship with them. He avoids complicated emotional issues. I am trying for my kids. My 2 children are close in age with the three SD's. i am so worried that in a few years, when my children are more aware they will know that they share the same grandmother and Aunts that they have no relationship with and the SD's do. Its so dysfunctional it makes me sick. I'm divorced as well, I have a 14YO son from prior marriage. My ex is remarried. I am very conscious of being respectful of my exhusbands wife. I am face book friends with former in laws but thats it. I don't speak with them, socialize- nothing. Ive seen them 4x in 10 years when exchanging my son thru visitation...Im always very polite and appreciative - because they are good grandparents and I am grateful that my 14YO son has that. I am perplexed, I have no idea what to do. maybe i should just write them off as my husband wants but thats not going to help my 2 kids in a few years.

pseudo_stepmom's picture

Hey...I'm not the only one! My DH super crazy ex-wife had befriended MY MOTHER on facebook. Talk about crazy. At first I freaked out on my mom, she said it was because the stepkids stayed with psycho ex and she wanted to know their shoe sizes for xmas 2 years ago, and my DH didn't know them off the top of his head. MY OWN MOTHER SOUGHT OUT DH'S EX-WIFE. WTF?

Anyway, I knew their conversations/messages involved more things than just shoe sizes because they kept in contact. When I stayed at my mother's house when I visited her, she had her password saved on her desktop computer, I would log in and see DH's ex-wife was fishing for dirt on me and my DH. My mother would fall for it, because she would compliment my mother and talk to my mom (she's a very lonely person & doesn't really have many close friends). It really hurt my feelings to see some of the things my mother would write, and what Mrs. Psycho would write in response, not only about my DH but also about me and my daughter. My mother actually thought they were long lost friends. BUT SHE'D NEVER MET THE WOMAN!!!

I constantly tried talking to my mother, asking her to stop the communications because the dirt she was giving Mrs. Psycho was just feeding the monster. We sent emails to Mrs. Psycho asking her to stop communication with my mother. She thought it was funny & just kept it up. Other family members of mine tried talking to my mother to get her to stop too. She would say she had stopped talking to her and the conversations only consisted of the stepkids, but I was reading otherwise. It made me feel so sad & betrayed.

Eventually I had to log into my mother's account and blocked DH's ex-wife from her account. It was getting ridiculous. It had gotten to the point where I couldn't even tell my mother any personal details about my life or what was going on with my DH or the skids because it would all come back to Mrs. Psycho. That was an awful 13 months.

Need to vent's picture

Feel the need to vent to release my frustrations. I am a step mom to 3 that I love dearly and I feel like I just don't know how to stop the madness. I feel like everyone has gone insane but just doesn't know it. LOL. From the beginning, my inlaws made it clear to me and my family they didnt like the exwife. They had stories of her infidelities and even from the beginning his father didnt approve and didnt attend their wedding. Well, she had 1 daughter before their marriage, then they had his 3. Apparently she cheated got prego with daughter #1 and didnt know who that father it was portrayed that she doesnt have high morals and my MIL is super religious. So, after our wedding, it became evident that my SIL and MIL were lying. My SIL even gave the EX our wedding photo login then made excuses!! They lied to me, to my face. Now, I never said they had to hate the woman or not speak to her..but these were the stories they told me. So it was clear they were not being honest about the nature of their relationship. Perhaps they knew how terrible she was to their own flesh in blood yet they associate with her. I felt betrayed and manipulated. Meanwhile, they acted like innocent victims somehow. Needless to say, our relationship became strained. His sis comes to town, visits ex and not us. Tells the kids to keep it secret from their father. I mean, wow. My husband is just about crucified by his parents for not calling his sister for her Bday but she tells ex garbage and gets us involved in more drama. We had to take the ex to court for more time with the kids - we are talking we had kids 10 days in summer and every other weekend. She sends them for almost the whole summer to their grandfathers house and we had to fight for the Monday of a 3 day weekend!! My husband won, got the parenting time he was entitled to but everything was a fight. So I guess that is why I am just so shocked by his family's behavior. They deny their relationship when it didnt even matter to us...but after having to take this woman to court for my husband to get time with his can they be friends with her? His ex had a baby shower for my SIL at my inlaws house...I wasnt invited to. How dare they!! I am all for being cordial to the ex as I always try to stay respectful but isn't there some lines we just do not cross? I know the ex is miserable in her life...she looks terrible when I see her and the kids feel sorry for her, guess her husband is mean. But dont take it out on us. She has befriended his entire family (on FB) she has never met and regularly tries to contact them. I laugh as it is pure comedy. The divorce was like 10 years ago now, cant believe she is that possessed by it. She even tells his cousin she loves her but never met the woman!!Its just strange and pathetic. My hubby made it clear that he wishes her to stay out of his life, which is exactly why she does it. It makes me feel like someone needs to step in to stop the madness. She remarried and has 2 more for a total of 6 kids...I mean, wow...wouldnt you think she has some attachment to my husband to make such an effort to stay relevant with his family when you have 6 kids?? Her poor husband and kids. I sort of feel bad for them. I dont have children of my own yet, but i am busy...I have a hard enough time keeping in touch with my own family, how does she make time to keep in touch with her family, her current inlaws, and then her ex inlaws along with his entire extended family...I dont know what the motivation is, frankly dont care. I only care that since all this has happened, my husband and I are just sad to have lost our family...To us she is the most awful person in the world...She kept him from time from his kids, its hard to accept that our family would want to associate with her.

TheMrsK's picture

Finding this post might be the best thing that ever happened to me. You guys made me feel - normal. Today was one of those days where I felt over-the-top-ABnormal. I was married for 17 years to a man that sat on my couch for over 10 over those years doing nothing. His favorite phrase he ever spoke to our to children were, "go to your room". I was not a perfect wife. I wanted out desperately and instead of having the courage to walk away - I made some poor choices initially but then I grew some courage and walked. Despite the "you'll never be able to handle the kids" comments (I was a working mother - remember)...and the "you don't even know how to keep house" comments... for many many years I thought I couldn't manage without him. Then - I did.

I met someone else, we married, he has three kids (two ex-wives). We have been through so many things together that we joke that nothing could tear us apart. But my family and his family BOTH keep the ex's around. I finally told my mother that it was either ME or the ex. That's it. I didn't expect my kid's to choose between us, but my PARENTS? My BROTHER? Oh yeah I did. My nieces and nephew - yep, they better pick the one that buys them presents and remembers their birthdays every year...My Mom got the message - it took three (THREE!!!) years and one promise on a threat. But my brother and his kids (three kids - three different mothers - what is it with people these days???) all and I repeat ALL still call him their Uncle and my brother spent last Thanksgiving and Christmas with him and his brothers (even though the speak terribly about him and his parenting skills behind his back).

Now, my wonderful husband's mother, who talked excessively about how she couldn't stand wife #2, but she liked wife #1 (until she lost custody of his daughter to him because of her drug use and then she didn't like her either). But she and my SIL are both friend's with ex#2 on facebook? Why? For pictures of the kids? My goodness - my facebook page was COVERED with them (until I got so fedup with the OUR parents, siblings and exes that I deactivated my facebook - that's right I'm done).

When my aunt divorced my uncle many many moons ago... our family was cordial to her if they HAD to be... (including my own mother). We weren't friends (and still are NOT) on facebook or anywhere else for that matter. When my father divorced my mother... my grandparents were NOT my biological father's friends ANYWHERE. They stood steadfast by my Mother.

Yes, get along with the exes for the children. Show your common parent courtesy - that's what is good for the children and that is what you are supposed to do. I didn't like my ex enough to be married to him, but I have an obligation to keep him informed about my children - which I do in a courteous manner, but be his friend??? Eh, no thank you. My hubs feels the same exact way about his exes and now ex#2 is trying to be HIS friend on facebook... not. gonna. happen. ever.

We aren't abnormal - we are loyal. There is a difference. We expect to get what we give too.

AHardRoad's picture

I can relate to all of these posts. My DH's ex left him because she "wasn't happy" and created all kind of grief and wreaked havoc in his life and the lives of his daughters. We have been married 3 years, and my in-laws continue to maintain a relationship with ex "for the sake of the girls." The "girls" are now 19 and 20, so I don't understand why the ex is even in the picture now, except at major events, like graduation. The ex hardly ever visited them when my DH was married to her, and talked badly about them, yet in the last 4-5 months, has been to their home twice for overnight visits, right after we stopped paying her support when the youngest graduated HS. She tells lies about both of us and has convinced both daughters that we don't pay for any of their expenses (health insurance, car insurance, car payment, phone bills don't count because she isn't getting any money directly!) EX does not work and lives off a large trust fund. Both girls also have trust funds, established by EX's parents. Last night, my SD, 20, told us that if her grandparents (my MIL and FIL) weren't coming to our house for Thanksgiving, that her mom was going to take the daughters to visit them. I almost blew a fuse!

My MIL and FIL tell me how badly ex treated my DH when they were married, and even criticize how she handles (or doesn't handle) situations with the girls; they know she lies about us, etc., but they still continue to bring her gifts for her birthday and Christmas, visit her when they are in town, communicate with her, and allow her to visit and stay overnight in their home. They attended a birthday party for one of the SD's that the other SD planned to which we weren't invited (but EX was there). My MIL has posted photos of the holidays with EX and SD's on FB the last two Christmases and none from our home. I had to specifically ask her last year to post any from our home, and she finally did it after about two weeks of me nagging her. If the SD's were too young to drive, I could maybe understand, although they could still see them in our home, but it drives me crazy that they continue to allow EX to manipulate and control every situation. If my father did this with my EX, I would be livid and would let him know that it was unacceptable. My DH says he has talked to his mom about it, but it hasn't done any good.

I try to maintain a cordial relationship with my inlaws for my DH's sake, but the continued contact with the EX is hurtful and makes this very difficult. The rest of his family can't stand ex because of the way she treated (and continues to treat my DH) and thinks the relationship with the inlaws is crazy, which is some comfort. I would like to talk with my MIL about the way it makes me feel and that I believe it undermines the relationship that my husband and I have with his daughters, but I doubt that would do any good, since she hasn't done what my DH has asked.

liks's picture

I have a question:

My husbands sister has 3 children....they are still referring to my husbands ex slag bitch BM as Auntie??

That really upsets me....Dont know exactly why.

Does anyone know of the correct terminology to sister in law would like to knock the kids out of the habit too....I tell them to call her the witch and they laugh about it....but eveynow and then they will talk about the slag referring to her as Auntie ****

my DH and the BM ex slag have been divorced for 7 years. kids are 13 and under.

Skywalker's picture

I know why they're doing it...they grew up with her being their aunt. Still, that doesn't make it any less painful that while she's "legally" out the picture, she still "functionally" isn't. I guess just have his sister have a talk with them and tell them about how her/uncle are no longer a couple, and you are the aunt now.

When I met my husband and he had divorced his wife, he had two sisters. One about 23, one about 10. Now those girls are about 39 and 26. The 39 year old has two kids, 20 and 13. The 26 year old has two kids, 5 and 7. I'm their aunt, obviously, I'm the only one they've ever known. The four of them have never even met the ex-wife.

The weird part--the ex sends them all Facebook friend requests, comments on their pictures, etc. essentially acting like she's an aunt.

The sick part--ex wife had cheated on husband several times when he was in the military deployed, leading to the divorce. My oldest nephew (one she's never met), 20, just joined the Navy and among other things she posted on Facebook thanking him for his service and talking about what a patriot she is. She commented on her own daughter's page how good it feels to be reunited with someone after a deployment.

Unlike her, I know how it feels to serve overseas and make an actual sacrifice, not to mention stay faithful. Considering calling her out for all this personal posturing she is doing about how wonderful and patriotic she is, when she couldn't even keep her legs shut and broke up a military family. Disgusting bitch.

angelkiss's picture

I deal with the same bs too! during the 9 years my husband was with his ex, she never had one good thing to say about his parents but within the last year she has used their 7yr old as a pawn to find out information. threatens his parents by saying they'll never see her *rolls eyes* they buy into it. just recently they even gave her a birthday present and this almost sent me over the edge. I was LITERALLY dialing up our family lawyer to start the divorce process, it wasn't until a good friend of mine said to me "you have every right to be angry but they are their own entity and it's not right to hold your husband accountable.. remember, it is NOT him who sent the birthday gift"
I hope that helps you in some way. Smile

branmuffin97's picture

Different strokes I guess.....I call my ex mil my mil..we talk about once a week..see each other a few times a month. My ex is FB friends with my siblings and he's even made plans with my sister to get the kids together (cousins) on his weekends. My ex is still very much my niece and nephews "uncle". My thoughts are that it's a bad message to send to the kids that they have to stop loving a person because a family member had a split with them. It seems to belittle real bonds,imo. My inlaws and I genuinely love each niece and nephew genuinely love my ex, their uncle. That doesn't end because he and I divorced,kwim?

On the flip side, my dh's ex spends holidays with us at the inlaws because her family is in a different state. His nieces/nephews call her "aunt"...and it doesn't bother me at all. It bothers him a bit though. He can't stand his ex but respects his family's right to have their own relationship with her. His family adores me and they want to be sensitive...but it truly doesn't bother me...I would never put them in a situation to choose either.

Redsonya's picture

This issue is one of the many that is tearing me and DH apart. His ex-wife lives in the same town as his family and we live an hour away. She has BBQs with them, sees them all the time and talks all kinds of trash on me and DH to them, and recently had them all over for Thanksgiving. Her family is an absolute trainwreck and she doesn't talk to any of them (she has restraining orders on her own MOTHER and sister) so for some reason she is constantly saying that she is still part of DH's family. It makes me feel like she is still married to DH and I am just a girlfriend or the second wife or something? I get so mad about it and he just tells me that he can't control what his family does. about tell your ex-wife to move the fuck on with her life?

youngmama1b1g's picture

When BM and husband were together right before SS was born, they moved into MILs.
His whole family is close to BM.

SIL goes out with BM at night. One time my H brought up, so who pays when you guys go out? SIL- BM does. H- So you realize she's not working and the only money she's getting is from me for SS, not her. Another night, H brought up his disappointment in SIL for going out with BM. She doesn't much anymore, but I think that's more because she's busy.

BIL and BILs live-in GF, both have said they hate BM. However, they still invited BM to the baby shower. And BM picks up their daughter and gets/gives kisses.

MIL, I say is SSs real primary parent. My H was deployed for over a year and over that time, I think MIL had SS more often than BM if not equal amount of time. MIL potty trained him, and always was taking SS when BM and H lived there when they were fighting (which was very often).

I understand the connections, as BM lived there for awhile and how they got closer while my H was gone to keep in touch of SS.
Doesn't mean I didn't get taken aback when BM walked into MILs house without so much as a knock on the door and asked for some desert to go this past Thanksgiving.
Just don't let BMs relationship with everyone ruin what could be your relationship with them. I used to coin a phrase to my H when I would mention BMs close behavior "if I had to be completely dependent upon your family just for us to be that close, I'll pass and keep my independence-thanks"

It's really hard to, but you've got let it go. It really is the only thing you can do.

thefunmommy's picture

Well, we're in kind of an opposite situation. My BF's ex-wife's family still loves him, and me, as an extension of him. They invited us over there for Thanksgiving, and Christmas. His family is over 1000 miles away, he moved here to be with her, she cheated on him, they divorced. Her family told her she was pretty much a moron. But she and I, and BF get along well for the most part, and her family is awesome to us.

Fasig's picture

I would love advise and comments, please!!!!!! My husband (together for 6 years) thinks it is ok for his ex wife (divorced for 10 years, she has remarried and split again) to come to family holidays, and every family event. This would not be a problem for me except that she has told many people, including going to my parents house and telling them, that my husband was sleeping with her. She tried to talk the priest in to calling off our wedding, she has tried to physically attack me, and she has called my husband every name in the book in front of his son. She has made deals with my in-laws regarding custody (they would rather have the boy then let their son raise his boy; she let's them have the majority of her time, if they make sure my husband does not get full custody. We tried to get full custody when she was homeless, popping pills, etc, but we live 1.5 hrs away from grandad, and he was not gonna have that! You name it, this woman has done it, she flat told us that she was going to ruin our marriage if it was the last thing she did. Now my husband, let's her do whatever she wants, she is at his parents house all the time (they hate her and talk about how awful she is, then give her money and invite her over because "poor boy, that's his mother". As a side note my husbands parents pay for his very expensive hobby (even though he is 38 years old), so whatever they want to do, he does. I am sick of it! And he tells me I am crazy! Would you go eat Christmas dinner with a person who says they slept with your spouse, tried attacking you, and tells you spouse they love them! Help! My husband thinks this is ok! If you are an ex respond, if you are a man that has an ex, talk to me! I try not to go to my in-laws, but my husband goes and does family dinners with this chick at his parents house, and I am sick of it! I do not think it is right under any circumstance for a married person to be hanging out with somebody gunning for their marriage! The more comments the better, my husband says I am wrong for feeling this way!

patygirl's picture

You know when I read this I was kinda amazed. When my ex and I split, I had the kids for 10 years basically. So when he wanted them for a while I said sure, he took the kids..2 of them for the next 7, he found a new girl friend who was the baby sitter and moved her in, I stayed out of the way. Except during holidays when they came to visit, or a month in the summer. No phone calls bothering the ex and making the new misses jealous, and she did get jealous, still does when I come around. Did not call my MIL, even though we got along famously, basically pulled my self out of that families life and barely clinging on to my kids so keep the peace. We had birthday parties when they visited, Christmas and such. My then husband did not like me driving to see the kids because they lived 3 hundred miles away, so we would meet half way and drop them off..
Now when we split husband and I, I decided to go visit my kids because I had gotten older, braver and the car & insurance was in my name. My kids were older and they didn't have cars, they were teenagers. You would have thought I was trying to move back in!
I had never seen such childishness in my life, screaming, crying..she had her friends actually come up to the table in my MIL's yard and insult me and my them small children. My MIL told them to leave, I couldn't understand it, I had never had any contact with my ex, wouldn't even talk to him over the phone because of two jealous asses, her and my ex. And now I want to visit my MIL and see my kids at her house, she gets mad???
Her excuse.."she never came around before, never called and asked about the kids, never sent cards.." :jawdrop: Needless to say I had to convince her I am not trying to "steal" my ex back. Its has taken several years to develop a cordial relationship with the new wife, she is my face book friend, we share pictures and comments. I still talk to my SIL, my MIL passed away recently. I keep my distance, but I visit once in a while. I will never severe a relationship with an ex or their family again. People are not things to be disregarded or thrown aside for the fancies of another. My relationship has nothing to do with the new wife or her relationships with them. I want to remind the new wife's out here writing ..Just because a marriage is severed doesn't mean the relationships built in that marriage is severed. The new wife really has no say in who stays in contact with who, nor does the husband. Using tactics such as silence and separation is childish. Its silly to see all this jealousy. And that's what it is. And the ex's relationship with the in laws is her relationship. Causing people to chose sides only shows how immature people are. It has nothing to do with boundaries. It has to do with someones issues with the old wife. Its only insecurities. Unless the old wife is sending love letters and sneaking behind the scene trying to see the ex..or the ex husband is so damn pissed he is using the kids and his family to hurt her, there is really no reason to be jealous or worried. Because either way..if the old wife does keep a relationship with the family or or tries to be cordial ..she is, she may as well do the right thing, people are important and have feelings. Keep the relationships unless it becomes unhealthy.

ADriskill1980's picture

What do you say about the BMs that never got along with Mil
Sil, Bil, or any other family member of her ex & then because he doesn't want her back, she befriends them so he can't have a relationship with his own family? IMO that is totally different. :/

sickogthex's picture

Wow. I CANNOT believe there are others out there in this situation!!!! My situation just feels so extremely abnormal and crazy! My husbands ex wife is SO involved with his family it is insane. Now, I met my husband while he was still married to his ex-wife, and I completely understand how terrible of a way to meet someone this is, and how much his ex should hate me. But, it has been YEARS since this happened, and I just feel like, while they have every right to be "friends" with her, and be nice to her, and talk to her...there has just got to be a line drawn when it comes to FAMILY events. The ex wife is invited to my husbands family events...and even worse she COMES!!! It is totally a control tactic. She is so manipulative to these people and they cannot see through her fake front. His sisters have NOTHING in common with her, yet one of them claims they are "sister, and best friends," although they hardly talked until my husband left the ex. Now suddenly they are blood sisters! My husband has basically been thrown out of his family and the ex has taken his place. Most of the family has forgiven him, and me for that matter for how we met. We ARE good people, regardless of the terrible way we met, and we have proven that time and again. We have our own children now, and he has children with his ex. She actually told me to my face once, "I was here first!" lol like a 5 year old fighting over a spot in line. Oh and I should mention she is near 40yrs old, and I am in my late 20's. I would think she would have a lot more respect and maturity than to act the way she does. She use to claim my husband wasn't "involved" enough with his kids, which she would intentionally withhold them from visits then run and tell his family he didn't take them.. and then when we told her we wanted to go back to court to get 50/50 custody she freaked out and my husbands sister was telling him he was being too pushy and to back off! We can't win wither way we try. So now she totally withholds the children and uses them as leverage. She has talked so much crap about us in front of the kids, the oldest, that actually understands more of what is going on, seems unsure about us at times, especially in front of her, and it is just sad. Why can't she just get a LIFE?!?! She is holding herself back from moving forward, and creating a new life, with NEW PEOPLE, and a new family she could be a part of. She needs to go find a new man..and not just for our sanity for her own well being. We are at out wits end. I can't go to another family activity and sit in the same house with her. my ex husband doesn't show up to my family events! Its just sooo weird, and she seems to think it is perfectly normals, since well, "she was here first!" LOL I wish this situation upon NO ONE! It is just insane! I agree with everyone on here who said it is a control tactic. It is 100% it is also a way to exact revenge. Childish, selfish, and immature too! Any advice on how to cope, and get what really needs to happen through to the ex would be greatly appreciated!

sickogthex's picture

It just baffles me though. I am 10 years younger than her, and she complains how "immature" I am all of the time. The ex has my sis in law convinced I am evil and she actually told her 8 yr old daughter she couldn't be around us!! It's just crazy that they are involving children in adult matters. They are innocent in all of this and should NEVER hear anything negative about any of us. I NEVER talk bad about my husbands ex in front of any child, no matter how crazy I think she is! It's just wrong! Sad part is, they are ultimately hurting the children. Dad doesn't get invited to his own family activities (where he could take his children to,) instead the ex get's invited with the kids, leaving our children together out! How can you choose an ex over BLOOD?! The thing is, I am mature enough to say, that the ex is a nice enough person, IF you are on her side of course, but she has NOTHING nice to say about me. When you grow up, you should be able to decipher when to just let your insecurities go for the sake of being civil and especially for your kids! She is NEVER going to move on. She claims she is SOOOO over my husband, but not if she is clinging on to his family! At this rate, she will NEVER find a new husband..and that is my WORST nightmare!

fruststepmama's picture

Yeah, same situation here, too. My SS9's BM has renewed her relationship with DH's father, who she refused to speak with while they were married. DH's father severely abused him when he was younger and now BM takes SS9 to see him every few months. She's gone to the point of actually putting her children in harms way for revenge against DH. Disgusting.

Honey Baby's picture

My ex-father-in-law once FB friend requested me, I declined. Why? Because #1, I don't need him seeing pics of me and my now XBF and taking that back to the XMIL/ex hubby (gossip). AND plus my ex-FIL was FB friends w/ my ex-hubby's new GF. Talk about awkward. People need to move on.

sickogthex's picture

Honey Baby- Why can't every Ex wife be like you?! You are smart and mature. Of course talking to and being such close friends with your ex husband's family will bring lots of drama into your life. If you don't want the is simple, detach yourself from the family! Somehow, strangely though, any drama, or anything negative that happens in BM life turns out to be MY fault! :?

Lynnette42's picture

You need this book: Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life. by Henry Cloud.
Like you I had a former sister-in-law who was getting all cosy with my husband's former-children. She tried to make herself look really good and her own brother (my husband & their father) look like a loser. Well, you know our solution was: "out the door we go" & have never been happier. After repeated attempts to get the former-sister in law to LEAVE being part of the ex-family, we were the ones to LEAVE !
What you do learn is that some groups of people CHOOSE to hang out together, whether connected by blood relations, former marriage, or communal-nastiness LOL. And if you are not in their 'in-group' your choices are to a) suck it up and try to make them like you which seldom works. or b) leave and start your own circle of loving people around you and your husband. The thing is, you don't have to stay around if it isn't working.

Rags's picture

My XILs sent me a birthday card with money in it every year for ~10yrs after their whore of a daughter and I divorced. I had a very close relationship with them while I was married to their daughter. For all appearances they were fine, nice and upstanding people.

Interestingly while recently researching a book that I was writing for my parent's 50th anniversary I clicked on a link to my XW. That one click led down a path that ended up finding that my XMIL became a convicted felon for embezzling more than $2million from her employer over 3 years. In hind site I bet that it was far more than $2Mil. She was scalping her employer overtly for the 2.5 years I was married to her daughter which was 20+ years before she was convicted.

Samantha81's picture

I deal with the same stuff. Me and my fiance got together almost 4 years ago and hiis ex they werent even married but yet his mom loves her and when i pick my step son up at his moms and she comes there theey sit and talk while Im there. 30 minutes to sn hour sometimes. When he says something to his mom she says im "keeping the peace so i can see my grandson." But we get him every weekend. Even when she drops him off for special events the family just acts like shes still apart of his family. They are friends with her on facebook and his grandma tells her she misses her and everything. Its really disrespectful if you ask me i can understand if maybe it was about the baby but it makes me wanna get up and leave or say something. I just dont get it?

Rags's picture

Pathetic losers who don't have their own lives try to leach onto the lives of others. BM has no life so she leaches onto your DH's family and life.

DH sounds as if he has a clear perspective on this and is working on getting it straightened out. Don't sweat it.. and if you wish... have some fun leading BM around by her sow nose ring..... }:)

Trying to incorporate an X into a family rarely works out well. The closes we ever got was when my mom decided that SpermGrandHag could not be as bad as my wife and I relayed and mom decided to give her a call. Before mom called SpermGrandHag she visited us and witnessed a call from the Hag that put any idea my mom may have had that the Hag could be reasonable to rest. During a particularly vitriolic rant by SpermGrandHag over a speaker phone my mom jumped in with a "Shame on you" and hung up on the Hag in the middle of a discussion between the Hag and my bride regarding an upcoming SS visit to SpermLand. Mom does not tolerate anyone messing with her brood and she and my dad refer to my wife as their daughter. No mention of me in that title.