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Potential meeting with BM and counsellor

Binky103's picture

I was previously posting under a different account. I needed to take a step away from here for awhile so I deleted all of my blogs and the account. Some of you will recognize my story. My old username was Daenerys.

Timeline of events:

Easter weekend: DH gives DD7 and SD11 trouble for not listening. He ended up giving each of them a nudge on the bum with his foot and telling them to get up off the floor. They were both giggling at him the whole time. 

One hour after SD goes home: BM emails DH to accuse him of abusing SD. He told her to call him to discuss it; she didn't. 

The next day: BM reports DH to CPS and the police. Neither authority does anything because they can tell the situation has been exaggerated.

SD's next two visits: BM emails DH to say SD isn't coming for her visit because she's "scared".

Mid-April: DH receives court papers and BM's affidavit accusing us of all kinds of heinous things, including physical and emotional abuse. She took everyday situations, twisted them and blew them out of proportion (DH joking around with SD is "bullying", SD choosing to sleep on a bed in our toyroom after DS2 was born is "neglect" and "abuse", etc.).

Early May: They go to court and a supervised visit is ordered for the following weekend along with counselling for SD. We see SD for two supervised visits in May. We're not sure how this happened based solely on BM's accusations with nothing to back them up. DH's lawyer was away so someone stood in for him which could have been part of the problem.

Mid-May: BM emails DH to ask when he wants his 3 uninterrupted weeks of summer visitation with SD. DH asks how she can accuse him abusing SD a month ago and then so readily offer him access for such a long time. She says, "SD just needs to discuss a few more things with the counsellor. She'll be fine by August."

Early June: DH tells the counsellor he's not doing supervised visits anymore because our family members think the situation is ridiculous and they don't want to perpetuate the idea that we need supervision. The visits are unwarranted and our two children end up being upset afterwards because they don't understand why SD doesn't come to our house anymore. He also mentions how bizarre it was for BM to offer summer visitation so soon after making all the claims against us.

Current:

We haven't seen SD since mid-May. She was supposed to come in June when my mother in law was visiting but BM claimed she was "stressed" so she didn't come. SD continues to tell the counsellor that she wants supervised visits faciliated by "Auntie C" (my sister), but my sister is very busy and thinks this whole thing is silly. The counsellor has said we should just go and do something fun and not talk about the issue at hand, but my sister is only willing to do the visits if they are productive, meaning we talk to SD about what she's thinking and what's going on.

My husband is not the most assertive person. He's a trades guy and he tends to feel inferior to people with formal education, like counsellors and lawyers (although I'm an accountant and he knows I'm just a normal person). We've gotten fed up with the counsellor continuing to contact him after he told her he doesn't want to work with her anymore because it's getting him nowhere. I get the impression she likes dragging things out because it means more business for her. She dangles a carrot in front of him by saying "SD says she missed you", but then goes back to making him feel like a criminal by saying he can only see SD with supervision for now.

Last week, out of the blue, DD7 sat at the dinner table and just burst into tears. I asked her what was wrong and she said, "I miss SD so much. Why doesn't she come anymore?" I've stayed out of everything involving the lawyers and counsellor until now, but after seeing how hurt my DD was, I decided to do something since my husband is just letting everything stay in limbo.

I called the counsellor to ask what is going on and what the plan is. She told me she had a plan but my husband backed out on it by not doing supervised visits. I explained how difficult it is for our kids to do the visits and that my family thinks this whole thing is unecessary and ridiculous. They're also concerned that BM could start implicating them in some way if they are involved.

Then she asked the question I was waiting for: "What's your relationship with BM like?"

I said: "I've never met her."

The counsellor was shocked. I explained that I've reached out to BM several times over the years. Any time she came up with some kind of accusation against me, she would email my husband about it, then I would email her to ask to meet so that we could address her concerns. I would tell her I want to get along for SD's sake. She never replied to me, only to my husband to further accuse me of trying to steal SD.

So the counsellor suggested that I email BM once again and copy her (the counsellor) on the email. She said we could have a meeting at her office (with her as the facilitator) to discuss BM's concerns and figure out how to move forward. I sent a very nice email a couple of hours ago, explaining how this is impacting many family members and that this is the most productive way to resolve the situation. The counsellor already replied to all of us to say this is a great idea and that communicating the way I suggested is the best way to work this situation out.

If BM meets with me, great. Maybe we can sort something out and she can see I'm not the awful person she wants me to be. If BM declines the meeting, then DH to take her back to court, which he's seriously considering doing now.

Comments

moving_on_again's picture

I bet it's just now hitting the counsellor that BM hasn't exactly painted the picture of this whole situation truthfullly. *eyeroll* that it took her this long to figure it out. I wouldn't be surprised if BM just says you are lying. 

Binky103's picture

I'm guessing BM will just contact the counsellor privately and tell her more awful things about me to justify why she won't meet with me. But either way, I've shown I want to actually come up with a solution and that I'm open to hearing her out. If she declines, she's going to look pretty bad. You can't claim that you're concerned someone treats your child poorly, and then refuse to discuss it when that person wants to rectify the situation.

Edit: I don't believe I've treated SD poorly, but if there's a particular situation that was misperceived by SD and then taken further out of context by BM, I'd love to clear it up.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I'd bet money that BM drops the whole thing now that you have emailed and the counselor has responded that she thinks it's a great idea.

SD Will magically feel fine to come over, and it will be because "SM reached out like an adult, and that makes BM feel more comfortable".

Gag me. Hold BM's feet to the fire. Not that I think you should do this for your DH, but it may give him the confidence to take action. Make BM rue the day she crossed you as a mother.

Binky103's picture

I hope you're right. It's likely this could happen.If it looks bad for DH to decline supervised visits, it's going to look bad for BM to decline a meeting to resolve this whole thing. He might have success if he takes her to court.

justmakingthebest's picture

Keep us posted! This could get interesting for you guys!

I am so sorry your family has had to go through this whole disaster!

simifan's picture

This counselor is a fruit cake. I agree with your husband's stance I would not allow a child-  even my child - to dictate my life, or make me seem like a criminal. This child has way too much power.

Binky103's picture

Oh, for sure. When I first got the counsellor on the phone I was inclined to be angry with her because of how useless she's been. I still wasn't all that impressed with her, but I was glad that she at least encouraged a meeting and gave us some ammo if my husband does go back to court. Even during my conversation with her, she was being very resistant towards a lot of the things I said. 

We know that the counsellor isn't going to just suddenly recommend that SD resume normal visitation. She was very much about what SD wants....."well that's up to SD at this point....". I would've liked to question her regarding allowing a child to make those kind of decisions but then she started asking about BM so it went from there.

thinkthrice's picture

Odds are this "counselor" is just as deranged as the BM (and probably IS a deranged BM in real life)

Binky103's picture

The court order said "a counsellor of BM's choosing". We understand that she is someone who apparently specializes in these situations in our area. My husband previously said he doesn't want to work with her but he unfortunately doesn't have a choice as far as choosing someone new. I'm hoping BM will be mad that the counsellor is currently supporting me in my attempt to have a meeting, so maybe she'll decide to drop her on her own.

thinkthrice's picture

to revamp that court order.  Chef's "mediation agreement" was so lopsided in favour of the Girhippo that even the mediator told Chef he doesn't (wink wink SHOULDN'T) sign it.   They had agreed to go pro se--Chef in his infinite ignorance thinking he would have an "amicable" (TM) divorce.  She totally disregarded the agreement as is her M.O. and pulled out a pit dog attorney to write up the so-called "mediation agreement aka MOU.

Of course he went ahead and signed it without representation as everyone including myself was warning him against.  Guess he saw the movie "Liar Liar" one time too many about dragging children through court which he thought was going to happen.

Chef is also in the trades and doesn't "present well" in court.  Oh he cleans up physically very nice but his language skills leave a lot to be desired; he tends to express himself emotionally and uses cursing profusely as most tradesguys do.

strugglingSM's picture

Your BM sounds like she has a personality disorder. My advice would be to stay as far away from her as possible, even away from a counselor supervised visit. 

Multiple counselors have told my DH that BM was abusive to him...two whom he saw before the divorce, both of whom recommended divorce to him. Despite all this, when they were at their most recent mediation session, BM painted herself as the total victim, crying and saying "why are you doing this to me?!", "why are you making me go through this?!" - even though she was the one who demanded the mediation session and even though DH basically sat their silently, while the three "impartial" female mediators sat there asking BM if she was ok. BM was just mad that she didn't have control and couldn't demand whatever she wanted from DH. When she demanded the mediation, she also told DH that she had three lawyer friends who had each agreed to help. Instead of going along with that, DH made an appointment with the local court mediator (as dictated in their parenting plan). 

In my case, BM has all the classic signs of BPD - histrionics, thinking people are either all good or all bad, binge eating, gambling, engaging in risky behavior that would jeopardize her career, out of control spending, paranoia, belitting / emotional abuse. She would never try to keep the kids from DH because she doesn't want to be responsible for the kids all the time (despite refusing to discuss any changes to the custody arrangement - other than DH taking every weekend, so she can go to the casino with her current SO). She also doesn't want MIL to know how crazy she truly is and if she accused DH of abuse, MIL might realize that BM is totally full of crap. If anything, DH is too indulgent of his children. 

I've interacted with BM a total of two times...both of which she was rude, but I still tried to be friendly. After that she told everyone I was trying to take her children away from her and wanted DH to move next to her so he could stop paying child support. In addition to many other histrionic reactions, like calling me "aggressive" when I wasn't even interacting with her and saying that if I didn't want to be her friend, it probably meant that I was a child abuser. That was right after we got engaged and I've decided to totally steer clear of her since then. 

Binky103's picture

Holy, yeah your BM sounds like a piece of work. 

Im certain my BM has mental issues as well. She seems to be really insecure and she plays the victim well. I’m not scared to meet her or anything and if it helps the situation I’ll do it. At least then I’ll know that I tired for my daughter’s sake. 

 

I haven’t heard from her yet and I’m sure I won’t.