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Adult Step Daughters are ruining my marriage

Bernadette's picture

I have two adult SD's who have caused all sorts of issues in my 12yr marriage as DH won't stand up to them.We worked hard for ten years to build a relationship with them as a blended family. then, he dared to say "No" (for the first time ever) to an unreasonable  request involving their BM three years ago and they wiped me completely, refusing to see me and sending nasty texts etc. They had a "family meeting" about the situation from which I was excluded even though I bore the blame for saying no.  The oldest (now 31) kept a "relationship" with him (more accurately continued to use him) and the younger stopped speaking to him. He was devastated and blamed me.

We argued so much over this and I left three times but always came back. We have just been to couples counselling and he firmly promised he can see clearly now that their behaviuor was over the top, out of line and that his marriage is important and we must present a united front and not give in to the SD's (the counsellor told him he needs to set some boundaries and to include me in family gatherings - in the past the SD's dictated whether I was allowed to attend or not). Just four days ago he again promised that he would no longer be controlled by their manipulation and that the next family event (his birthday) would be all of us together or not at all. I extended an olive branch by inviting the SD's but yesterday 28yr old SD has sent a message via her 31yr old sister that they will have their own "Dad daughter catchup" and he has caved and reniged on the promise he made (this is a pattern of behaviour with him, telling me things will improve then going back on his word).

The SD's have been nasty, calling me names etc. and he does not back me. He just apologises for my existence and tells them he loves them so much. It's too much to write here but I have been unfairly blamed by all three of them. I had a year of personal counselling to cope with the trauma and emotional abuse, until my psychologist told me it's out of my control and DH needs to make the changes. . I feel trapped, hurt, worn out. Our marriage has been excellent with the exception of the issues around the SD's. My kids are fine with both of us. I don't now what to do. 

Comments

Harry's picture

SD are not ruining your marrage. It’s your DH is ruining it.  When he gives in to his kids and putting .  

them above you.  He doing all of it

Letti.R's picture

I-m so happy Harry is 100% correct.
The problem is your husband, not the SDs.
The SDs may be the source of the problem, but your husband allows it to affect you.

This man is showing you who he is.
Over and over again.
The nature of this relationship is abusive to you.
You have left three times before: find the courage to leave again, PERMANENTLY.
This man won't change.
He lies and placates you, then crawls back up the rear end of his children.

Only you can decide for how long you wish to participate in this continuous never ending abusive cycle that has gone on for 12 years already.
You are wasting your life trying  to fix other people, when you should concentrate on what you can do for you.
 

 

Bernadette's picture

No doubt you’re right. Thanks for being honest. I hate to think the worst but apparently I’m living it! 

Bernadette's picture

Thanks for your honesty. 

mrscMomto5's picture

I guess it is wishful thinking that once the kids are grown and gone that it gets better!  *scratch_one-s_head*

Aniki-Moderator's picture

It depends.

When SS19 joined the Army last year and got away from BioHo (BM), he actually turned into a very nice and likeable young man. PigPen16 has improved, so there is hope for him.

As for the SDs... they are 25 and 22. We USED to have a good relationship. Until BioHo step-PAS'd them. Last year, they (in a combined attempt) tried to gaslight me. At that point, they became dead to me. I will be polite when the come to our home for Christmas (moneygrab!!!), but I will never again do anything for them. They could be stranded in a blizzard, stark naked and bleeding and being followed by a pack of rabid wolves and I will do NOTHING. Dead to me is dead.

mrscMomto5's picture

I haven't seen my SD16 in over 3 years.  He went to live with mom b/c we are unreasonable and have rules. Now he lives with some friend or something and has dropped out of school.  From what SD12 says anyhow.  I don't know or care.  I am glad he isn't around.  He used to call my husband when he needed money, but DH says no so he doesn't even do that anymore.  BioHo is great.  I have been calling the ex egg donor, but she is sure no mom. 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

She is BioHo because she's the bio mother and a 'ho! Quite literally a 'ho. At one point, she was selling "it" for cash, clothes, jewelry, nice dinners... She also had 22 men move in/out within 24 months. She has 5 children with 4 baby daddies. She is a serial cheater and has been caught by MULTIPLE men, who promptly dumped her. Definitely a 'ho!

mrscMomto5's picture

the BM i deal with is on husband #4, 4 kids with 2 baby daddies and on man #12 since 2012 (that we know of) she certainly isn't 'ho level, but more like I can't not be in a relationship with a man b/c I am dependent on one for self esteem and a place to live. *scratch_one-s_head*

Jojab1636's picture

I've been reading and watching everyone's stories and it is so helpful and reassuring to know this group is out hear.  My SD's are 28 and 30 - things have not gotten better.  If anything - worse.  UGH!

Kes's picture

I had this situation to deal with for the best part of 10 yrs, ie my DH would repeatedly not have my back in stuff to do with the SDs, where I would be repeatedly disrespected and he would take their side.  I was at the point of jacking it all in and leaving him in 2012/3 but he had "road to Damascus" moment early in 2013 and I think it became clear to him if he carried on that way he was going to lose me.  Since then things have been very different, but I can still remember how awful it was and there is still much anger within me over all those years I endured that.  

Other posters are right - who pointed out that you have a problem with your DH, not your SDs.  

Siemprematahari's picture

You are not trapped in this marriage. You have free will and can leave whenever you choose.

10 years you have spent with this man and he has not changed. Are you willing to give him 10 more, heck maybe even 20 for him to only prove that his daughters will ALWAYS come 1st and you are not a priority?

You left him three times, make the 4th time final and never look back. This marriage is one sided and you have been outcasted by them all. This is no way to live.

Wishing you courage to leave this dysfunctional relationship and that you find your integrity and self worth.

SacrificialLamb's picture

Your DH is more afraid to lose his kids than he is of losing you. After all, you came back three times.

Nothing will change until he is more afraid of losing you than them.  It's a shame it has to come to that, but men respond more to actions than words.

I could have written what you wrote although the ages are different. I established boundaries for myself and now have nothing to do with his children.

Why do you want to be invited to their gatherings? You give them the opportunity to snub you and they will jump at the chance. They live for it, trust me.

Anyway, here are the boundaries I established. My DH agreed there was a problem with his daughters. He goes to see them periodically, and I think he is not happy that they care little for his happiness.  Things are better than ever with us.

    • I support you having an age appropriate relationship with your children.
    • I have the right to live my life in peace away from drama. Both of your kids love drama.
    • SDs are not children on a visitation schedule, so there is no need for me to be involved in your relationship.
    • Other people's issues will not affect me or my marriage.
    • People who hurt my health in any way are not allowed in my home.
    • You will say nothing that reflects poorly on me and you will not discuss our marriage.
    • I am not the barrier to a harmonious relationship in the family.
    • Billions of men like the company of an adult woman. You should be allowed the same.
    • Your middle-aged daughters, with their own families,  will not control my marriage and life from afar.
    • You will NOT have First Family reunions that include your ex.

 

still learning's picture

SD: "Daddee and Daughter catch up time, Oh Goody! What're we gonna talk about today Daddee?"

DH: "The same thing we talk about everyday."

SD: "How much we hate EVIL stepmommy?"

DH: "Yes, and how much money you need to continue speaking to me."

This sounds like a line from some gawd awful childrens show yet, These are the DAYS of OUR LIVES...

Daddee and Daughter catch up time *projectile vomiting emoji*

Bernadette's picture

You have just summed up my SDs and the emotional blackmail (financial also)!!!

I’ve answered every comment here but thanks to rubbish internet and phone connection it seems almost all have been lost!