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Am I Wrong?

Bee_kay's picture

I am a childless 38yo that has been with my 52yo divorced partner for over three years. He has two daughters (24yo,14yo). I have met them a few times, but I had/have a limited interest in bonding because of the situation with the BM. (She was estranged from her family, so she still wanted the benefit of relying on him for help outside of the needs of the children. Yet, she still wanted to fight him over child support, custody and marital assets.)

Unfortunately, a few months ago the BM passed away. Since she still relied on my partner, he got the phone call and he made the decisions regarding her arrangements. I chose to distance myself and not to be involved or attend any of the services. 

Since then I have not made an effort to be involved. I have also decided I would like to have a child and get married. I would like to do it with him. However, I don't really have an interest in being a stepmom to his children. Call it selfishness, trauma or resentment towards his situation, but I just want the experience of parenting my own child. 

Am I wrong? His position is that I can't completely love him If have no interest in loving his children. He's also upset that I haven't been supportive and involved since the BM passed way. My position is that I sacrificed my personal life to have a successful career, I just want to focus on loving a child of my own. 

 

Comments

Rumplestiltskin's picture

He is upset that you haven't been supportive of him losing his ex-wife? It sounds like they were enmeshed while she was alive. If he was "helping her beyond the needs of the kids because she was estranged from her family", he is probably grieving her loss more than a normal ex-spouse. None of this, either before or after her death, lends itself to giving you what you want, which is a family of your own. You resent his kids because they kept him enmeshed with his ex. He resents you because you don't understand his loss and don't want to fill the stepmother role. You both want things from the other that you can't give. This is not a guy to start a new life with. Edited to add I'm surprised you put up with their enmeshment while she was alive. He sounds like he was never truly available to start a new life. Also, he may become even more involved with his kids now that she's dead and want you to fill part of her role. Does not sound like a good future for you. 

notarelative's picture

You are not wrong to want the life you want, but you can not have it with this guy. He is the parent of a 14 year old. The other parent is dead.  He has a legal, moral, ethical obligation for this child. You can not have the life you want with him.
 

justmakingthebest's picture

You aren't wrong for wanting to have a "first" family. You are wrong to take resentment of a dead BM out on a 14 yr old girl. 

You can't have this dream fantasy life with this man. You have a couple of choices:

  1. Accept that he has children from his first marriage and be a shoulder for them to lean on. Be the "fun Aunt" to them and start your family.
  2. Leave. You are 38, so you accept that your eggs are drying up fast. Get a sperm donor and do it on your own.
  3. Leave and search for love. You may find a man that is 40ish and never been married... chances are men like him don't want to be a good husband and enough women picked up his red flags that he never married. 

What you can't do is not be a kind person to his children. You have to let go of resentment and be a decent person. 

Stepdrama2020's picture

Find a man who you can build a family with. This man has his family and infortunately now he is their only parent. These SD's will come first , especially now. They will all grieve BM, and if the SD's resent you this grieving will always be highlighted. Not saying that they shouldnt be grieveing, it is a very sad loss for your SD's. What will make it harder is your DH will be forever putting his grief stricken DD's before you and a baby. 

Besides think about it what 52 yr old actually wants more children? Yes many have, but I would bet most people in their 50's would not want to start again with babies. You will be on your own raising this baby, while daddio attends to his DD's.

Go enjoy life with someone who is on the same page as you.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I'm going to assume that when you say you don't want to be involved with his kids, you mean you just don't want to parent them. If you truly mean you want to act as though they don't exist, that's not going to work, especially since one of them is a minor that he is now sole parent of and it doesn't sound like the kids have done anything that should result in their estrangement as they age. If you mean you don't want to be involved and want to pretend they don't exist, then don't bother reading any further. The only solution to that is to enjoy a casual relationship with this man until it ends or break it off now, because this relationship won't last.

You are 100% within your rights to not want to parent his kids, including the 14 year old. You also have the right to actively not parent them. However, you *do* have to be civil and respectful to them. They didn't push their mother to ask for more money and leech off their dad, and they didn't force your SO to give in to BM's leeching efforts. If you are having issues with resentment at the situation, you need to deal with that with the folks who actually caused it: your SO and BM. And really, for you, the resentment should be squarely placed on your SO because he CHOSE to give in to her demands, and he's your link to this mess.

He is wrong for expecting you to love his kids. He'd also be wrong if he expected you to parent them. There is a middle ground here where you two can forge a new family dynamic, but you'll both have to compromise. He'll have to accept that you're not going to be a mother-figure, and you'll have to form some sort of relationship with his kids, even if it's a surface-level friendship. While his daughter is a minor, you'll have to live with SD if you also want to live with your SO. You need to figure out how you can do that WITHOUT making SD feel like a burden, WITHOUT punishing your SO for having kids, and WITHOUT being cold and distant to SD while being loving and warm to her father and any future children you may have. You also have to let your SO parent SD, and you have to allow them time together, too (same goes with the older SD, too).

Speaking of future kids, how does he feel about having more kids, especially at his age? My gut tells me that if you haven't talked to him post-BM's death that you will want to. Seeing how hurt his own kids are may make him rethink starting over with a baby whom he may leave fatherless before the child enters adulthood. What you want versus what he wants may be different now.

There is no way for you to have bear a child with him and expect him to parent that child without acknowledging and accepting that he has two other kids, and that he is now the sole parent of those two kids, and that he may parent those two kids vastly different than you would. You also have to deal with your resentment and work through that with your SO, and place that blame back onto him versus his kids. And then you have to compromise with him to find a family situation that works for all of you, if one exists. He's not entitled to you being a parent to his kids, and you're not entitled to him fathering yours.

Finally, I also don't see an issue with him planning her funeral service. Is it ideal? Absolutely not. However, leaving it up to a 24 year old and 14 year old to plan their mother's funeral without support when that support is available would be cruel. The "good" thing about BM's death is that is prevents her meddling, and hopefully brought some closure to your SO who likely was feeling guilty for the dissolution of his marriage and first family.

 

Bee_kay's picture

Thank you so much for your advice and without any judgment. It is hard to put a three year relationship into a four paragraph post. When I say that I don't want to be involved with his children, I mean that I do not want to be a parent or be an active participant in any drama. (I have a stressful and demanding career dealing with other people's problems, so when I get home I just want peace because I am emotionally exhausted.) His BM is no longer here, but the drama is still going. Her mother is now trying to sue him for "grandparent rights" even though she was not actively involved before the BM passed. 

I helped raise my adult niece and I was active with my friends' children when they were younger. I just want to enjoy being a full-time parent to my own child without feeling like I am also obligated to be a full-time parent to the SDs: picking up from school, going to school functions, extracurricular activities, etc. 

I put 100% of the blame on my partner for the dynamic he had with the BM. They were legally separated when we met. The divorce was finalized when we decided to be in a serious relationship. When the BM passed away, he found out she was planning to take him back to court to try to renegotiate the divorce settlement. She was planning to accuse him of being an adulterous absentee dad, which he was not. 
 

Also, my partner and I have discussed children and he is completely open to having another child. I have always respected his relationship with the SDs. I just feel like his expections for my relationship with them is more than what I want to have.

lieutenant_dad's picture

He has to accept that not every woman wants to be a parent to his kids. Conversely, his kids may not want you, or anyone else, to try to parent them. Hell, one of those kids is an adult and doesn't need another mother. 

I would suggest you keep an open mind to what kind of relationship you have with his kids. They may not want a mother, but they may appreciate a female friend. If you're open to that and they are, too, it might be a good fit.

Not to be a downer, but I think where you're going to struggle with this is going to be him accepting that what he wants just isn't realistic. He hasn't done the work to be a single parent because he just from marriage to a relationship. Doing that runs the risk of him just wanting to slot a new wife into the old wife slot versus building a new family dynamic with the actual people who will be involved. He can decide what kind of relationship he has and wants, but he can't force others to do the same. If it's so important to him that he find someone who loves both him and his kids "like their own" then he is going to have to look elsewhere and be prepared that a person like that isn't likely to exist. Teenagers and adult kids don't want or usually need stepparents, and he sets everyone up for failure if that's his expectation.

Approach him with that and see how he reacts: "SO, what you want and what we're all willing to give and tolerate may not be the same. I won't force a relationship with your children, and I won't be an indepenent parent to them. I'm willing to help with the occasional pick up or drop off at school, buy the SDs are your kids. I'd like to have a good relationship with them, but I'm not their mother. You pushing me to act like their mother is only going to cause resentment amongst them and me. We can make a situation work where your daughters feel loved and supported by you and our household. However, I am not a replacement for the wife you lost in divorce. I will not slide into a predetermined role. You can either love and accept that I'm willing to help create a loving family with you that looks different than the fantasy you have in your head, or you need to reconsider our relationship and find someone who can give you what you're looking for. I won't conform to your sole idea of family. I am a living, breathing person - and your daughters are living, breathing people - who has a say in the type of family we form together. If you're just looking for someone to fill an open role in your family, I'm not it."

CajunMom's picture

I will say this...you are not wrong for not wanting to be involved in SK's lives. I'm completely cut off from my DH's kids for 4 years now and we operate fine. The BM here died last year and I did NOT attend the funeral nor did I get involved with DH's kids or their grief.(all adults). I know that sounds cold but knowledge of my past history with them clarifies that for all. The ONE problem you have is his 14 year old. She's lost her mom, she'll need to live with her father and the "stress" between you and "them" is not good for anyone.

My advice is to move on. Let this family heal and you find happiness in your life. Best to you.

CLove's picture

You want what you want.

Time to really look at this relationship from all the different angles. All the comments are extremely well-thought out. Im of the opinion that you are not wrong, but I think this man was too enmeshed with the ex. I think you will need to have some level of involvement with the Sd14, and if you are going to hardline the disengagement, you will find its going to cause resentment.

I have SD15. and the mother is still here, but she does the least amount possible, and previously I was the co-parent and did pickups/drop offs. Im disengaged now, but my lack of involvement is causing a little resentment.

ESMOD's picture

Your not wrong for having your own view of how you want your life to be.  You may be mistaken though that what you want is realistic given the current cast of characters in your life.

1.  I understand your desire to have a child, but you have to understand... at your age, you run a higher risk of not being able to have a child period... and the risks to having a child with issues does go up with the age of the mother.  There are risks both to you and to the child.. and to the health of that child.  You could end up not able to have a child.. but also could end up with a child with chromosome disorder and that would definitely impact your ability to live "peacefully".

2.  Even if you successfully have a healthy baby.. kids bring stress and chaos into your life.  at any age.  So, your own baby will be a source of joy.. but also stress and frustrations at times.  

3.  Your SO will have full custody of his 14 yo daughter.  She will live in your home and whether you love her or not.. she will impact the peace of that home.  

4.  Your SO has expectations of you that you don't appear to be liable to fulfill.  If you can't love his child.. even if you are just his supportive partner and have a good relationship with his 14 yo.. will that not be enough for him?  If not.. it is going in with an issue that is likely to get worse not better when you can't meet his expectations.

So, can it work? possibly.. but there are a lot of things that need to be hammered out between you before you jump into having a child with this guy.