I don't know how to say this without being rude but it feels like the only reason you aren't accepting this child is because of BM.

Apparently you're willing to adopt the kid but you can't play family right now?

This doesn't seem like a good plan. Trust me I understand the fear of something happening. My SO talks about becoming a cop or trying to rejoin the military every other day. Given he wouldn't make it in but the idea scares me to death and it is because I would lose the kids completely. That's just a fact of life but to think I'd use that to completely reject them?

I'm sorry I think you need to slow down.

So.. again, how long have you two been together?

This is a big step and a big responsibility. There honestly doesn't seem to be any reason why you can't help to take care of the child while you are together with his father. Before you to forward with terminating and adoption, (courts will likely not terminate unless there is a step parent willing to accept that role), you certainly need to be married. I imagine a judge would want to see some evidence on your relationship that it is solid and long lasting before they would agree to allow it too.

I love how a piece of paper is supposed to fix your maternal urges. This is a crazy solution. Are you saying that if you adopt ss you will not want any bio kids?

I think it’s too early at this point. You two aren’t even married. Knowing that you have been only dating and then living together recently and do not even have a date set for the wedding it’s unlikely judge would go for it. Also SO has to find BM and inform her. It’s not hard to locate someone

I think it's good that your SO wants to address this issue, but he needs to go into it REALLY eyes wide open. BM could start demanding visitation and joint legal custody. If she gets it, whether she uses it or not, it will really change the dynamic of your SO's idea of "family".

Additionally, he needs to think about what he is doing and make sure it is right for SS, not himself. If he is doing this in order to make his idea of "family" real (i.e. let you adopt SS so that you are really his mother), he's doing it for the wrong reasons. If he's doing it to ensure that SS stays with the family he knows in case something catastrophic happens to SO, that's a very different reason.

Also, you need to converse with your SO what his plan is with SS if rights are terminated. You'll do what you want to do, but i highly recommend being married a few years before you jump into adopting SS, and waiting to see how SS responds to his BM's rights being terminated. He may not have issues with it now, but if BM reaches out, or he wants to reach out to her, and he gets it in his head that the only reason her rights were axed was to allow you to step in as his mom, that could spell trouble.

Lastly, talk to your SO about how he would feel if you decide not to adopt SS for whatever reason. Will SO be okay with that? Is that a deal breaker for him? I'd be highly concerned about a partner who would want to end it with me because I didn't want to adopt his kid. I'm not a replacement mother, nor am I there as a place filler for wife/mother in a family. If that is what he's looking for, is that what you're willing to be?

Take a LONG time discussing this, and DO discuss it. I recommend seeing a family counselor before moving forward just to make sure that what you're communicating with each other is being received, and to see how SS feels about this arrangement. He may not be asking questions about his mom, or displaying too many emotions about her, but i guarantee you he thinks about her. He probably wonders why she left, and he probably blames himself to a certain extent. A counselor can help you all navigate this throughout the whole process.

Ash.. I don't think people are jumping to conclusions when they talk about you adopting.

The fact is that in order for your SO to get his EX's rights terminated, it is almost 100% a certainty that he will need to be remarried and his new spouse would be expected to adopt his child.

So.. in your case, that would mean he would have to marry you and you would need to formally adopt the boy.

So, when people are saying "slow down" etc.. it's because those are BIG steps that are very permanent and not to be entered into lightly and not without some serious commitment. It's not that you may/may not be "pushing" the happy family narrative, but people are speaking to what would have to happen and from outward appearances, your relationship with your SO isn't ready for those next steps.

If something happens to SO, SS's BM will have full rights to take him and keep him.

I don't understand this concern? The kid is 9 and BM has been out of the picture since he was a baby correct? Does your SO even know where she is, or what she is doing? What is her deal, what is the history here? Is/was she a druggie? Is she remarried? Does she have other children? Was there ever a CO in place? Was she chased out of SS9 life by SO family and SO or she just walked away?

The only reason people are bringing up adoption is because without adoption SO will not be able to terninate parental rights and without adoption SS will not be staying with you but going to his family members. So none of the things you two are discussing could happen without adoption. So if you don’t plan adopting then all these discussions are about nothing. It’s all fantasy

And btw absentee parents are known to be asked by the state to step in if other parent dies. I know through my line of work. I know of absentee parents stepping in and assuming responsibility for the child. State wouldn’t just terminate parental rights because parent hasn’t been around. Kid is still young. Parent might reappear.

So just putting this out there...

BM can’t get the kids full time, DH knows, DH’s Parents know, BM’s family knows, even her sister knows... Like it’s a known fact that if she got the kids they’d fall back into neglect and depression. We’ve made leaps and bounds lately, and everyone recognizes it’s best for the Skids...

Anyways that being said we’ve discussed what would happen if something did happen to DH (super sad topic... but it is what it is) beyond the options of “flee the country and change all our names” which just isn’t gonna work... IF you are a primary caregiver to the child, even if you don’t adopt (terminating parental rights is harder than I think you two realize) you can still petition for custody in the best interest of the child. That wouldn’t give you parent rights, but could give you custodial rights. So there are options if something happens to your SO.

However, I don’t have rights to my Skids, we have them full time, I consider them MY GIRLS. Because I’m every way (except the legal one) they are. I’d literaly take a bullet for those two, they’re in my core and idgaf who BM is, I will take care of them so long as they are (and even after if somethig happens), because they’re my DH’s family, and so they’re mine as well. Legal rights or not, children need care, and while DH is an AWESOME dad, he’s not sup r good at the emotional side of things. lol. Too direct for an 8 year old having a breakdown. So legally yours or not, you do have your SS. For the time being, he really is your family so long as you’re with your SO.

https://www.avvo.com/legal-guides/ugc/terminating-the-other-parents-righ...

This was just a Google search (I know not everything on the internet is accurate), but I think it's safe to say that pretty much most of the advice given to you on here is accurate. I understand your SO is wanting to look at the option of terminating parental rights, but it appears that for him to do so, he would need to show that there is another party present and ready to adopt SS9.

If something happens to SO, SS should go with his grandparents or aunt. Based on Ops previous posts they have been the ones doing the majority of the raising while SO travels for work anyway. No one is going to let dad's girlfriend of less than 2 years take this child when he has qualified family to do so. I doubt they would let a new wife take SS either.

We've looked at stepparent adoption as a kind of fail safe for the Skids if BM keeps doing what she is and harming them... That being said, we're playing patience in hope she does decide to come back to the kids, and then it's up to them to decide how they feel about everything. They won't even consider a stepparent unless BM fails at certain things and they want the SM to have been married to the dad of the Skids for at least a year (more is better), they have to be a primary caregiver, and it has to be something that is TRULY in the best interest of the kids, not just because dad doesn't want to deal with BM. But because BM is either unable or unwilling (or both) to be a parent to the kids, (also normally a failure to rehabilitate the BM on behalf of the kids) and even that has to be for a certain amount of time, because the courts do want to give a chance for a change of heart on the part of BM, because if she does become willing, a relationship with her is important for the kids. If it doesn't look like it's going to change though Stepparent adoption is used to give the child a chance at a stable home life after everything else they may have gone through. Except in rare cases, a court won't relinquish a parents rights if there isn't another person there to step in at that time.

After the petition is filed BM has 30 days to file a rebuttle saying no, if she doesn't then the adoption can go through, if she does though, there are exceptions, but for the most part the court sees that as a bit of hope and it goes to a trial type of thing with both sides stating why or why not it should happen. Unless BM signs away her rights that crap can get messy and expensive for everyone!

This thread just keeps going and going.

My question is, why did the subject become front center while you suspected a pregnancy scare?
I'm not sure why , in the event you might of been pregnant, SO announces it's time to go after BM's parental rights. Especially if the immediate plan is not for you to adopt SS.

It's obvious that BM relinquished all custodial rights in court and that your SO agreed to take on sole financial responsibility or that paper would not have been signed off on by the court. Now, keep in mind, custodial rights is not parental rights...meaning, yes the door was left open for her to reappear at some point.

From what you've stated prior, IIRC she has totally kept her distance. Made no attempt at even the loosest contact. She's married and has several birth children. As to SS, BM did not abandon the child nor neglect the child. She legally relinquished any custodial responsibility including decision making and financial obligation.

She's not coming back. She has made the decision to allow this child to be raised by his father, his grandparents, and yes, the Aunt. Yes, I know grandparents and Aunt are not on the paper, just Dad is. But this woman knew the ends and outs of this family when she did what she did. She knew Dad would then and for the coming years have a home and family with stability and financial means. And the child has. And the child still does.

She's not going to rock his world. She would have been rocking it for years now on and off if such a thing were to be her intent. It has not been. She has nothing to gain from stepping forth if Dad died tomorrow and the child has everything to lose. She knows that.

I understand your SO and now you live in fear she will swoop in at any minute, but she has spent many many years quietly telling you she will not.

IMO, you need to be ready and willing to work with the Aunt and grandparents on this and not against. I know you dislike the Aunt. But that child loves her and has had the woman his entire life. Grandparents also. Work on building the united front. The strong stable and loving home and family that all child deserve and thrive in. You're worrying about if something happens to your SO, you are not taking into consideration that the very same something could happen to both SO and you at the very same time. This child would need this extended family, they are his little world, his safe place and his support.