Need some words to calm my nerves!
Things with SO and SS are pretty great and things are still moving along smoothly. SO and I are still dedicated to making sure that are relationship is good and we are getting time as a couple and time for our selves. I went out with my girlfriend this weekend spent some time with her, had a good time.
SO and I are going to vegas this week for a long weekend, this trip has been planned for months. Some of my family is going as well so it will be a good time. Here comes my issue or my problem to deal with. SO's sister is watching SS and taking him to school and all that fun stuff.
I know everyone will first say I should not care more than my SO but I am human at times. I just do not trust this sister and do not like her. I think that is what it all really comes down to I just do not like her. SO has told her SS can not ride in the front seat and he is to sleep in his own bed when he is over there spending the night. SO talked to her not me yet he was ignored and she still did what she wanted.
Yes I get she was there helping for most of SS's life but only as the aunt. In her mind she had a much more important role than she really did. SS never even asks about going over there or calling her or anything. While in her mind she filled in the "mom" role she still only ever spent time with SS when it fit into her schedule.
I just need some words to help me relax or be ok. I am just frustrated and tense, I get their whole family dynamic was odd, at least for me it is. SO let things just happen and did not really make waves because in his mind he needed the help and it was what it was. At the same time I think she feels she has this power to make decisions and do as she pleases. Most of the stuff I could really care less about and will let go.
How do I trust her and have blind faith in her like SO does. I get it he is not technically my kid but lets face it at this point i chose to be with a man who has a little boy who has never known what it is like to have a real mom. I did not go into this relationship thinking that will just have this little happy family, I just let things play out on their own and this is what happened. Yeah I care about his safety and well being. She loves him and I get that but there is just something off. Maybe I am jealous, I do not think that is it. I think I do not like her because she does not respect SO or me and that I think is clear.
Sorry it was long and a vent just nervous about this coming weekend. I have a feeling she agreed to watch him but has something for work to do and is taking him to a friends house to play. Again I do not care SO knows the parents and the kid SS and this kid are good friends. They use to go to school together and the parents were really good friends with the aunt growing up so the family all knows one another. I have met them too they are really nice and great. The thing is she would never tell us that this was happening. I would like to know where SS is going ot be while we are gone. SO is more relaxed because he is use to it. I am not.
Any way again sorry so long, how do I just let it go and ignore. I do not think that I will ever trust her and like her. Let's face she did not exactly make a good impression on me from the beginning and to still do things that SO and I have said is not good. She claims she did not know or forgot but yeah right.
Help give me some tools to be good with all this. Please be nice too.
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She's had enough experience
She's had enough experience taking care of him I think she will be fine.
I think you should speak to a counselor about your issues with SO's sister. You are only going to make yourself miserable and unhappy.
Have fun on your trip!
ASh - do you want me to slap
ASh - do you want me to slap you around, seriously woman...
1. SIL use to parent this kid way way before you got into the picture and he's still alive
2. It's not your kid Hon, you can't tell SIL what to do,
3. If you don;t like the way she deals with SS, then stay at home and don't go
4. This is between SO and SIL
dang woman stop trying to tell DH and SIL how to parent, they've been doing it long before you, observe and giggle, but do not mingle, now go and pack and enjoy your adult Vegas holiday with your SO, do adult things and be glad this time there's not a bratty child with you, this might be the last time ever you know, make the most off it Hon... and what ever you do, please please do not get that drunk that you end up marrying this man in Vegas, it's way way to soon and you will need a pre nub before you say I DO.... just to be safe in 20 years time
Go and enjoy the week-end girl... be silly with no responsibilities, you will not even call SS or SIL and check on them
You can slap me. SIL was
You can slap me.
SIL was never a parent to this kid. She would take him for like a night or two here and there I think they went to FL one time for like a week but the g-parents were there. She has never done the whole get him up, get him to school, get him to practice, she really was just the Aunt. In her mind it was different. I do not giggle at her at all because she is just dumb. She actually admitted to me that when she has SS with her one night he was kinda sick, she had no medicine and ran down to the store like 2 or 3 blocks away and left the kid home alone at age 7. I just looked at her and said well I would not do that. What is done is done but her judgement sometimes is a little off. All she had to do was take him back home to the g-parents.
I cant get too drunk and get married. You have to apply for a marriage license 24 hours before the ceremony in las vegas. I looked it up. I am going to marry this man no matter what. He is pretty great.
Hon, SIL managed all the
Hon, SIL managed all the years before you.... she will not kill the little Monster, let him enjoy the spoils his Aunt comes up with...
kids needs to learn, yeah I can behave like this with my friends, but at home I better behave better.. it's part of growing up. but for now.. let SS and SIL have fun and you and SO go and have fun...
You are right she will not
You are right she will not kill him.
I am just nervous about going away and leaving. We also have all our animals but we are boarding the dog and the cats they are easy.
When it comes to her, I think I just need to see how it plays out. All I have pretty much experienced with her is a very drunk 30 some year old woman who is trying to buy his love. Who literally in the beginning when I was around she always would be there too. We had to start planning activities away from the house. Who cried to me all the time about how her nephew was her world and she would drop anything for him. She would cry about it to me.
I do think it was a struggle for her letting go and being smacked with a harsh reality that she is not this kid's mom and never will be.
Maybe with time and some space things will get better for me.
"I do think it was a struggle
"I do think it was a struggle for her letting go and being smacked with a harsh reality that she is not this kid's mom and never will be."
ASh - read what you wrote.... and read it carefully... she's not the kid's mom and never will be,,,, the sad thing about this all, it's applicable to you as well, You are not the kid's mom and you never will be.... so stop trying to be one, just be his rock in the world and what ever SO decides about his son, is entirely up to SO.
You might not think it's the case now, you will when SS is 15+
I do get that I am not his
I do get that I am not his "mom". I understand that better and have a better grip on the reality of the situation than his whole family does. I am a skid and knew that if anything had ever happened to my mom I would have been stuck with my biodad at one point. At least until I got older and could just choose not to live with him.
I also understand it is up to SO decide what he wants for his son. Let's face it I have some say as well because it will effect me too. I am referring to if SO after we marry wants to push for me to adopt or make me a legal guardian. I do have to accept that responsibility. That is if he makes that choice. I am sure it is something we will discuss and talk about.
I am not delusional about all the potential pit holes that lay ahead of me in my future with my SO. I thought long and hard about a lot of things before even agreeing to become more involved with him.
I am sorry I do no get what is not the case now?
While you don't want to
While you don't want to accept it, your SO DID rely HEAVILY on his family.. including his sister to care for this boy. She definitely had a big role in his life... and you, yourself spoke about how you being in the picture changed that for her. Without a bio mother in the picture, you can bet that sis tried to make up for that in some way with him.
And.. you DID have "happy family" fantasies. You waxed on about how everything would be perfect when the three of you got your own little place together. It turns out that his past can't be completely erased/forgotten/excluded.
Also, this guy may be pretty great, but having a relationship where you actively DISLIKE his family (and probably vice versa) is signing you up for a lot of misery in your future. You will either drive him away from his family and he will resent you for it or you will constantly be battling with his parents and sister and you will be miserable that way too.
I agree with the idea that you need to get some counseling to help you deal with your feelings towards his family. Otherwise, it's a fairly large black mark against your relationship.
As far as the kid and his aunt. I would expect some rules to be bent. He may not sleep in his own bed. I would impress upon HIM that he is not to ride in the front of the car. As far as her decision to leave him alone while she ran to the corner store for meds... well.. it's not like he was 2. A 7yo who might be throwing up or ill would probably be better off in bed for 30 minutes alone at home. As long as it truly was a short trip and the kid was sick.. I think it's not unreasonable what she did. It's not like she left him to go get high.
I see what you are saying on
I see what you are saying on things. I did not happy family fantasies. I was just ready for things to settle down and get into a rhythm. Bonus is that things have been pretty easy and pretty great. Not going to lie it is so nice to have time just the three of us to just hang out and relax in our own home.
I do except he relied on them a lot. I also would hope they have some respect for SO, it has gotten better but there are still times.
I try really hard not to bash on his family. He knows how I feel. I like his parents and I am learning to appreciate them more now that I am not around them so much. He loves my parents. Mainly because they are easy they do their own thing and are not really invasive and respect me and him when it comes tho things with his son. I get why his family might not because he was not the best int he beginning but he is no where near that person anymore.
I do expect some rules to be bent. We limit sugar intake a lot for SS because it is just better that way. We limit how much he can play on his tablet. All that little stuff I expect to be bent that is normal. Honestly SO has never told her rules like that. The only two things he has ever said is do not let him in the front seat and he sleeps in his own bed. Wel lthose both got ignored.
I would have just taken the kid home. He was not throwing up. She lives in a downtown city area.
I do get what you are saying about a big role and how she took on herself to make up for things.
She's been taking care of the
She's been taking care of the kiddo all his life...she can handle a weekend. Sure, she will do some things the way perhaps Dad or you doesn't do it and yeah, she will sneak in a few things that only Aunts and Grandmas get away with. That's what Aunts and Grandmas do.
They will be fine. What it comes down to is, Dad either trust his sister and she babysits for the weekend, or he doesn't and you all stay home. Remember , your SO went off to work for months at a time and left his son in the hands of Aunt and Grandma...the kiddo was still just fine each and every time Dad arrived back home.
You don't really have to 'like' Aunt. Your SO and his son love her. She loves them. They trust her. The kid will get to school (ok, maybe dressed weird, and having had donuts for breakfast, but he'll get there). The kid will go to bed and sleep fine. Aunt will get kid from point A to point B. If it makes you feel better, make a big ol' list of things for Aunt to do/don't do and how to do it . Not that Aunt will read and follow it to a T , but it might make you feel better.
You have to decide which is more important to you. Staying home and monitoring every second of every day of SS (you can't put this kid in a bubble) or going on a trip with your SO knowing things at home may not be exactly the same as they would be if you were home but that things will be ok. I can tell you that if you decide to cancel your trip so you personally are home to watch the SS or if you refuse to leave SS with Aunt and try to find someone else to take the kid for the entire weekend , you will start troubles between you and SO. He isn't going to 'get' this dislike you feel for his sister nor this idea that she is incapable and untrustworthy ... he just won't. Because he has left this child for years for months at a time with this person. He will see this as an Ash problem and not a Aunt problem.
We are not staying home that
We are not staying home that is not an option. Yeah he has always been safe with her and he is a pretty self sufficient kid. I trust him more that I trust her to make the right decision.
She has not taken care of him his whole life. She is not a baby person so when he was really little she never took him. It was not till he got older and could interact more that he would go sleep over at her place. She never took him to the doctor, run him to school, had to pick him up sick from school. She never did anything other that take him and go do super fun things with him and buy him lots of things. She was just the Aunt. SO's dad the the g-dad did most of that stuff because he was retired and at home.
I do not want to monitor every second. If it was my SO's parents mainly his dad I would have no issue, if it was my parents I would be good. Just something about her I do not like that much.
SO knows it, I tell him I do not trust her and he gets it. He understands why he does not totally agree with me but he understands why I feel the way I do. He will back me up. I am really not ok with SS sleeping in the same bed with her when she has a spare room. Just does not feel right to me and SO knows it and he backs me up on this one.
Just to clarify it was a total 2 years that he traveled and longest stretch was 6 weeks. Usually he would only be gone like two weeks or just gone during the week and home on the weekends.
Thank you I do get what you are saying.
Ash, the person you need to
Ash, the person you need to dislike right now isn't your SIL; it's your SO.
If she is really that much of a harm and your SO is still letting his son stay with her, then he is ultimately the one responsible for any wrongdoing since he KNOWS.
I have looked sideways at my DH and talked until I was blue in the face about things I had concerns about. When he chose his path, my options were to disengage from that incident/area entirely or drive myself mad. I chose the former.
Your SO ultimately makes the decisions. He has all the power to stop SIL and chooses not to. He either knows her better than you do and thinks his son will be okay, or he is a negligent father who puts his freedom and fun before the safety of his son. You have to reconcile in your own mind which of those are your SO, then decide how you will proceed.
While the sitting in the front seat thing is dangerous, the sleeping in the same bed is not. Different than what you are used to, but not bad. I agree that you may need some counseling to help you through this transition into a new family and way of thinking. You WILL drive yourself into the ground if every time your SO's family wants to take SS you throw yourself into a tizzy wondering how they will screw it up.
Remember, your SO has the power to stop this and chooses not to. Either trust his decisions or disengage from them. If you can't do either, then you need to have a very serious conversation with yourself about whether this relationship is healthy for you. No, I'm not telling you to leave or telling you that your relationship is doomed. What I am telling you are your options, one of which is leaving if you can't reconcile the others.
You know I'm not trying to be an SO-basher with this, so please take some time to really think about this.
Thank you. I know which one
Thank you. I know which one it is. SO trust his sister, I know SS will be safe. I just do not like the blatant ignoring of some things we have specifically asked her not to do.
SO talked to her again about the front seat thing. We both have talked to SS about it as well. The same bed thing I know is not dangerous, I know that. But when a 30 some year old woman after having a few drinks and I am just getting to know her admits she likes sharing a bed with him because it gives her comfort. Yeah I see some red flags with that. Also she has a boyfriend (this is recent) that I know spends the nights there and not saying she would let SS sleep with them. There needs to be a very clear line, he sleeps in his own bed. That is how it is at our house and simply put if it was an uncle and a niece, no one would think that is ok. just saying.
Maybe I do need counseling. I am better than I was. Just something is off about it all. SS never asks to go there or to see her or to talk to her. At first she could hardly go a week without video chatting with him or seeing him. The whole dynamic seems very one sided. Just odd. I do know she is getting some help these days.
Seriously??!! After all the
Seriously??!! After all the other nasty labels you've slapped on his gma, auntie & bm... now you're trying to insinuate (without saying it) some underlying pedo tendencies??
OFFS.
I didn't cosleep with my kids, as a rule. Just now & again.
A sleepover with my local niece, at my house or hers, is ALWAYS us sleeping together. We both have guest rooms. It is comforting (not always comfortable) and sweet. At my brother's house, there are 2 nieces & 1 nephew. All 4 of us always end up in the guest bed together. And when I move to the bunk beds or couch, my nephew always ends up snuggling right up with me.
My full grown nephew was just here visiting. Our thing has always been watching old spook movies and falling asleep on the couch together. When he was little, we were snuggled up. Now that he's 6'5" it's on opposite ends of the couch and I wake up to stinky man feet and go to bed.
No red flags in any of these scenarios. Or your future ss & auntie scenario.
I do not think anything bad
I do not think anything bad is happening. I wan insinuating anything. I do not do that. If I thought that was happening I would say something. Even you have to admit there is an age when it just stops. I have a niece and nephew and can promise if I was at their house I would probably share a bed with them as a fun sleep over activity type thing. I get that. I really truly do.
I also think there is an age when it stops being cute and it just becomes strange. I think he is getting to that age.
Do you really think something
Do you really think something is "off" or you are just grasping at anything to be mad at the aunt? Have you expressed these concerns with your SO? I would be very very careful with the "accusations" that you are making.
No accusations, I promise
No accusations, I promise that is not what I am getting at. I just truly think that she use to depend way too much on this little boy to make her happy. She has emotional issues and is talking to someone now. This is not all just in my head.
I have told SO that something is just odd about it. I do not think she is doing anything inappropriate at all. When I first heard about it I was like ok weird but let it go. It was when she got really drunk one night I was there and after some convincing went up stairs to bed and she crawled in his bed. She yelled down for SS to come to bed too but he was finishing a movie and she would not stop so finally he went up say goodnight to her in his bed and came back down stairs. A little later he went to bed after the movie was over. It was not even late at all.
When I saw all that happen, that is when I really started having an issue with with it. I just sat there thinking "wow, this is really screwed up right now." Ever since that I just told SO i do not like it. SO agreed he did not like and told her that he sleeps in his own bed form now on. Turns our last time he slept there he slept in her room in her bed. Seems odd to me.
Most places have laws about
Most places have laws about how old a child has to be to ride in the front seat. Check your laws. If it's illegal tell her. If it's not illegal than it's SO's choice/ decision whether or not to leave SS with her knowing that he will most likely ride in the front seat.
Part of the joy of staying at a relative's home is doing things you can't do at home. Sleeping in Aunt's bed is one of them. Let it go. It won't change the sleeping arrangements in your home.
You don't like Aunt. You don't trust her. You don't have to. SO likes her and trusts her.
Don't push SO into micromanaging the time SS spends with Aunt. It won't go well. If you get SO to micromanage this could be your last child free weekend.
Thanks. I will try to relax I
Thanks. I will try to relax I will. I tried finding the laws but they are kinda vague in this state once the kid is over 8. I go buy the recommendation and they say 12.
The sleeping thing, no I just can not let that go. I probably won't.
As for other stuff I should relax. SO does trust her and I trust him.
I actually think the law is
I actually think the law is clear. Over 8 is legal. Recommendations are not law. They are suggestions.
You may regret not letting the sleeping thing go (or you may not) if you damage the relationship between SO and his sister.
The kid was fine before you
The kid was fine before you entered the picture, he'll be fine for the weekend you're gone. If anyone thinks they're role is more important than it really is it's you. You've gotta let go, you're not mom, not even step mom yet. You don't like SIL, oh well, I'm sure the feeling is mutual on her side as well.
THIS THIS THIS She has more
THIS THIS THIS
She has more experience with parenting this kid than you do. She has spent the last 8 years proving that she is more than capable of taking care of her nephew. It's a slap in the face to have someone who just walked into all of their lives trying to control/dictate their relationships.
You have a man that loves and respect you. You have a stepkids that feels the same. Why can't that be enough?
Don't let you opinions/feelings about the sister destroy what you have.
She did not parent this kid.
She did not parent this kid. I promise you that, SO and his g-dad and g-mom did the parenting she did all the fun stuff. She never really did the parenting role thing.
I know how you have taken things from my post and understand why you see that i may have dictated the relationships. I can honestly say I did not and I do not. SO and I focus on us at first and SS and I relationship just grew into what it has grown into.
I guess I have some resentment to her for not just concentrating more one what SS and SO wanted and getting so lost in her own desires and hurt feelings she would do things to win SS's affection and make her seem better than me. I did nothing to her or try to take anything from her but she treated me like that. Maybe I hold some resentment.
I will get over it at some point. I just have the gnawing feeling and little voice in the back of my mind saying something is not right. I do hope it is just me.
We have to be careful in this
We have to be careful in this life not to get fooled into thinking that we have any rights to these kids. We can talk in our SO’s ears and suggest things, but at the end of the day these are not choices that we get the final say in. Trying to find a way to accept that and to maintain a healthy distance so that we do not get hurt is tricky yet necessary for our long term sanity.
One thing to remember is that just because it isn’t the way we might choose to do things does not necessarily make it the wrong way. There are many paths to get to the same point.
Have a great stay in Vegas. I hope that you manage to relax and enjoy yourself.
I know I have no rights to
I know I have no rights to this kid. Reality is she does not either and that does not seem to click in her brain. The BM never gave up her rights she just walked away.
I struggle with that distance and it is hard for me. He refers to me as mom as school and on birthday wrote me a note and addressed it to mommy. I do not encourage this or discourage it.
Maybe getting away will help. Maybe just getting away from it all will be good.
This is not a game of
This is not a game of comparisons. Your are his step mom, she is his aunt. They are different roles.
But you do both get the chance to spend time with ss when your SO grants it and in the capacity as a caregiver you both have responsibilities during that time. Those responsibilities however, do not confer either of you parental rights, whatever your ss calls each of you. I know you understand this on an intellectual level but the harder one is to understand and accept it on an emotional level.
My husband recently agreed to a change in physical custody so that sd10 is now living with her mother during the school year. I disagreed with his choice. I discussed it with him extensively. But it wasn’t my choice to make. Now things are going worse than he thought they would with her living there and I still feel resentment that he (and bm) put sd in this position. But there is nothing I can do another it. Nothing I can say to make it better and nothing I feel is important. I am just having to learn to live with these feelings and move past them. Remind myself that as much as the situation is not ideal it is what my husband and BM chose and sd is their kid. And I have to look at the positives that are coming out of the situation. Sd gets to spend time with her mom and brother. My husband and I get more free time. Sd although not in an ideal situation is not in a harmful one. When things got really bad for BM in the past she sent sd to live with my husband, hopefully if something similar happens again she will do the same.
These are tricky lives we live and no one expects you to be perfect and emotionless, but we can strive to find healthier ways of moving forwards for the sake of our health. Now try to stop focusing on things you cannot change and start thinking about your vacation. Go and have fun.
Thank you! I appreciate what
Thank you! I appreciate what you have to say. I will have fun.
"I know I have no rights to
"I know I have no rights to this kid. Reality is she does not either and that does not seem to click in her brain. The BM never gave up her rights she just walked away."
If anything were to happen to both parents, the kid would end up with the aunt (or grandparents). She has more "rights" to HER RELATIVE that she has had a connection with since birth than you do.
I get that. I understand
I get that. I understand that. That is not what I was saying. I was simply stating if something happened to SO she would not get the kid either. It is that simple. I know what my SO wants if something happens to him. I agree with him on what he wants. That is his call not mine.
You need to see a therapist.
You need to see a therapist.
Why would you leave ss with a
Why would you leave ss with a drunk? :?
Doorsy, OP is not the one who
Doorsy, OP is not the one who can make that decision.
Repeat after me: Not my
Repeat after me:
Not my circus; not my monkeys.
It does not matter what you like.
It does not matter what you dislike.
The only control YOU have over the situation is your own reaction.
BTW, there is that saying about "it takes a village to raise a child..." or something along those lines. Consider the family members to be members of the village. So the aunt only does the "fun stuff"?? Fun stuff is part of childhood and my parents did plenty of fun stuff with my siblings and me when we were growing up.
I am all about her doing the
I am all about her doing the fun stuff. SO and I do not have a lot of extra right now after buying the house. We are good and we are not biting nails waiting for the next paycheck. Also we do not have a ton extra either.
Take him to do the fun stuff and be a fun Aunt I am all about that. I wish my brother and I did not live so far apart and I could be that amazing aunt for my niece and nephew. I try though. It does take a village I agree just do not like that she ignored my SO and said oh I fogot. OK you did not you just still want SS to like you more. Sometimes I even got the feeling she wanted SS to like her more than his own dad. Maybe not but always got the vibe it was a competition with me. I never tried to compete, I couldn't and I didn't want to.
I will be good.
Ash, there are plenty of fun
Ash, there are plenty of fun things to do that do not cost anything (or very little). Google some things to do in your area or for a rainy day or .... You get the idea.
Thanks. I have been trying.
Thanks. I have been trying. Things are settling down lately and we are getting into a pretty good routine.
Ash, You may try to convince
Ash,
You may try to convince yourself you didn't have expectations about how things would work out but..
1. you clearly referred constantly to "new dynamic" (which was clearly going to involve less interaction with his family) in your posts. From what I understand, you aren't married yet right??? So, you really shouldn't even be taking on the mantle of stepmother.. OR mother for this child. It will be harmful to him if your relationship with his father doesn't work out and his "mother" abandons him. He may ache to have a mother and try to put you in that role.. but you are doing him a disservice by letting him have this fantasy because if it does end.. it will be really hard on him.
2. Sister did have a close relationship with the boy whether he articulates it in the same way as an adult, it was there. He has a "new shiny toy" in you right now (oh and dad being around).. so he isn't as focused on the people not right there in front of him.
3. You are relishing every ounce of motherhood you are getting here. You have multiple "humblebrags" about ("he asks me" "he comes to me" "he calls me mommy?") how you are filling that role.
4. I have also seen situations where you are changing how your SO feels about things regarding his son. "we talked about and I told him so now he agrees that ...." So, quite a few of these rules and stipulations are things that are new and since you came on the scene. I would be surprised if your SO really cared about them one way or the other. He agrees to you because.. well, easier than NOT agreeing with you..no skin of his nose either way.
In the end, as many have told you. SO trusts his sister. He trusts her knowing that she may not be perfect. Now, maybe he is selfish enough to leave his son with a substandard caregiver because he would rather do the fun thing in Vegas without his kid. Before you were there... he had no problem letting parents and sis take care of him while he worked.. and likely when he played too.
BUT, you don't have a horse in this race. He's not your kid. The lady isn't doing anything illegal with him. Even the seatbelt is apparently just a recommendation not the law at his age now. And, while you may think that an 8 yo shouldn't sleep with his aunt.. there may come a day and age where the kid won't want it.. but you are probably looking at an OLDER age.. maybe 11 or so.. right now, he is still a kid. and as others have pointed out this isn't unusual.
ESMOD 1. I referred to it
ESMOD
1. I referred to it that way because reality that is what it is. No we are not married yet. Practically are and SO refers to me as his wife to people. Why I have no idea he just does so I let it go and figure I will be one day. Trust me when I say I did not come into this relationship lightly. I gave it plenty of thought and talked with my SO about so many things and people in my family that are in blended families. I was not sure how it all would play out. I get what you are saying about how it can be harmful for him in the end. I agree but I also know this little boy and I think me telling him not to call me that and I am not your mom can do damage too. I just let things happen. If he stops in the future than he does. I have no plans on going anywhere.
2. Maybe he sees me as a new shinny toy. I have been around for over a year now and we have rules at our house and he does not get away with much when he is with me. I would figure by now he would want to not be at home. I also know he just likes being at home even when he lived with the g-parents he just liked being at home.
3. They are not humblebrags, I am really curious if this happened to anyone else and what more I can do get him to ask his dad for stuff. This weekend he was using a lint roller on his shirt for all the dog hair, he wanted to get his back. SO was standing right in the doorway I was in another room. I hear my name and I am like what. So steps in and does it. Literally I am in another room SO right there practically next to him and he still calls for me. He never did this at his g-parents. I just want feedback on what to do. No bragging trying to keep my sanity.
4. Vegas was my idea and my want to go by the way. I was originally ask my parents to help out while we went but they decided they are going to. Than his parents were the next option. Their house sold and they moved, so now we needed to ask her. Yes we asked before we booked and made the travel arrangements. That is on me. He trust her, he is not selfish in this one at all. I have changed him regarding his son and he even tells me that but he has told me for the better. He is more patient with his son and listens more to his son and is more engaged instead of just going through the motions. I did change him. As for the rules and and stuff no really SO was already strict.
Other people might thing it is ok I also know some have not so it is not just me. I get what you are saying about plenty of things.
I still think you should be
I still think you should be more clear with SS what your role is in his life.
He's 8 not 2. He is old enough to understand that you are NOT his mother. To let him attach that name/roll to you... his dad's girlfriend (fiance) is not a great idea.
You have a lot of issues with your SO's family. What if HE decides he gets sick of that and wants to dump you? You say you are here to stay.. but in reality you are not 100% in charge of that. What if YOU get sick of all the crap that comes along with being a stepmother to a kid that isn't yours? What if you get sick of the way your BF cuts his toenails? You have not been cohabitating all that long. Marriages break up after years. You just DON'T know what the future can hold.
This boy has already had the loss of not having an active Bio mom. He just lost his grandparents (as caregivers since they moved) and his Auntie is getting pushed out since "there is not much need for her" since SO works locally and you are there. (except for the Vegas thing). His dad came in and out of the home because of his job and whatnot. Now you are letting him fulfill his "mother fantasy". You like that he calls you that. I know it's not that you are prompting.. but you should be correcting. Maybe not in the moment, but someone needs to have a sit down with the kid about it so he doesn't get further messed up in the head for all the people that leave him. You shouldn't let him call you Mom... unless you actually do adopt him... in the future..and he is old enough to understand you aren't his real mother.
SS does understand I am not
SS does understand I am not his real mom. He gets it.
Then why does he call you
Then why does he call you mom?
Why haven't you given him a "non-mom" alternative.. (or why hasn't his father done so?)
You have to get the fact that this kid probably reaaaally wants a "mom" because all his friends have one. The more he gets to call you mom... the harder it's going to be for him.
What is going to be harder
What is going to be harder for him?.
When he gets used to calling
When he gets used to calling you mom and then 1. real mom shows up into his life (though in reality.. this will probably hurt you. or 2. If you and your SO don't stay together and SS loses his "mom".
I just think it's a minefield to let that go on because you are allowing him to perpetuate the fantasy in his mind. Now, once you two get married and IF you want it and IF you are able to navigate his mom giving up her rights.. then you can adopt him which confers upon you that title.
I do understand what you are
I do understand what you are saying there is another side to it as well. What if I say I am not your mom do not call me that. In a nice way though and that could cause issues. I see it as no matter what choice I make there is potential for damaging this boy.
I struggled for a while on what to do. Eventually I just decided to let things ay out. He might stop calling me that one day maybe he wont. Who knows what the future holds. This is not an easy road to navigate.
I want to thank everyone. I
I want to thank everyone. I get what many on here are saying and I appreciate the words. I think I just needed to get a really good vent out and whine a little. I have been holding some stuff in lately and trying not let it get to me. It spilled over today in my posts and all my responses.
She is not a horrible person. I think we started off on the wrong foot, mainly her (sorry I know petty but it is true). I so not think at this point in time I will like her possibly never. SO and I were talking about our wedding and who he wants up there and who I do. He had three and I could only come up with two people I really wanted. He was like if you need a third you can ask my sister I looked at him and said hell no, he laughed and knew that would be my response. He said more as a joke.
I am not sure things will ever get better and many are right it is not a race and it is not a competition. I just do not trust her. It is that simple. SO might but I just do not. Maybe in time I will but just something still never sits right with me.
Thank you everyone for putting me in my place I did need it.
We need to vent or blow up!
We need to vent or blow up!
The parent has made the
The parent has made the decision to leave his child with his sister. As he’s done for years years. You need to respect your boyfriend enough to respect his decision as a parent.
If you don't agree that SO's
If you don't agree that SO's sister is fit to keep an eye on SS then who would you offer up as a replacement? Would you be willing to split the cost of paying that person with SO?
I ran out of options when my
I ran out of options when my parents decided to go to FL too. It is not that I do not think she is fit I just have trust issues with her right now. I honestly needed some the people on here to put my in my place for a minute.
I am just a person who worries. That is all.
I'm sorry I wasn't trying to
I'm sorry I wasn't trying to put you in your place, I was just wondering what alternatives or other avenues have been explored. If you don't trust her that's understandable, but what other alternatives can you start looking into other than relying on her?
Honestly it is so rare that
Honestly it is so rare that my parents and I ever go on trips together. I do know nothing bad will happen to SS just me being paranoid and having a trust issue mostly.
So your parents(who have only
So your parents(who have only known the kid for a year)are to trusted to watch the kid. HOWEVER, the aunt who helped raise the boy for the last 8 years isn't.
Do you really not see how your posts give the impression that you are trying to push to the boy's family(expect for his dad) out of the way and replace them with yours?
Disney makes a really good
Disney makes a really good point here, Ash.
You aren't equipped to handle family dynamics that vary from yours, and that includes healthy and unhealthy dynamics. That isn't something to be ashamed of, but it is something that needs to be corrected.
Things can't change just to make YOU feel better. I do understand that you are trying to adapt, but you're doing it by alienating yourself from you SO's family and using every fault of theirs to dislike them. ESMOD brought up some really good points, too, on you getting fed up with your SO. Apples don't fall far from trees, and when your SO gets set into this new life, his old habits are going to come out - habits taught and perpetuated by his family. There WILL be characteristics of his parents and sister that come out, and if you can't deal with them in any way other than to worry about them, you're going to ruin your relationship.
I have lived in step life and blended families for years as a step child or stepparent. My family has every configuration of blended family you can imagine, from deadbeat BMs (my SSis) to crazy BMs (my stepsiblings' mother and DH's ex) to crazy in-laws (both families) to good stepkids (my SSs) to bad/challenging ones (my SSis, sister, and brother). The amount of flexibility it takes to make it all work peacefully is monumental and takes literal years to get some semblance of normalcy figured out. You're trying way too hard to make things "right" and "perfect", and that is never, ever going to happen.
Please see a counselor who can help you cope with the stress and develop good techniques for sniffing out real versus perceived danger, as well as establishing healthy boundaries with SS. You're overstepping in your role, and while it comes from a good place, it comes with danger to you, your SO, and your SS.
I do understand what you are
I do understand what you are saying and I am taking it all in. Disney however I do not agree with. I never tried to replace his family with mine or push them out. His parents left all on their own. Now SS has no gparents near by and my mom is excited about being able to spoil him because her other grandkids live really far away. As for the Aunt I tried and I tried really hard to make a good relationship with her.
She is just not my kind of person. I think she is happy for SO and SS but she does have some stuff she needs to work on. She is nd I am happy for her. In time maybe it will get better. SO has years of seeing her tar care of SS I have like a year and all I have seen is not so great so it is hard.
I am not trying make things perfect just want some space for a little while so the three is us can figure out what is our normal and what is right for us. I think people need that.
I understand blended families take time I come from one and everyone in my family aunts uncles and cousins have all been married and divorced.
I will let it go and thank many for putting me in my place and telling me to relax and enjoy my trip. I will I promise. When I get back and SO wants this too more than me even. We both just want sometime to be at home and getting into our own way of life. I am not trying to push anyone out I really am not just need some space for a little.
Pick your battles. There
Pick your battles. There will be a lot more that will annoy you, concern you, etc about this blended family situation. No need to get worked up or even let it exhaust any of your energy. Everyone has a crazy aunt. You will be okay.
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
You would really really
You would really really benefit from therapy.
I do not need therapy. I come
I do not need therapy. I come here to vent and get it all out. I am pretty sane at home.
Therapy isn't just for insane
Therapy isn't just for insane people. It would help you to deal with overwhelming feelings of wanting control and lacking trust that you have. It doesn't make you insane. But your feelings are a bit atypical.
Even as a bio parent it never occurred to me to be upset of any relatives had fun with DD or having difficulty giving up control if she stayed with them. You aren't child's mother yet you are upset over things that even bio parents don't make a big deal of.
That's what you might need help with. Figuring out why you feel this way. It doesn't sound healthy. Not insane. Just unhealthy
I get what you are saying. I
I get what you are saying. I do have trust issues I have my whole life and I have dealt with them slowly but surely. It does take a lot for me to let someone in and trust them.
I think it is the flat out lying that gets to me with her. The whole front seat thing and she was like I did not know. That was a lie. SO was upset over that as well. While he does not absolutely agree with me on the whole SS sleeping in the same bed as his aunt he does support me. It really does bother me and the fact SO asked her to stop and she still did it is a little like WTF. Her letting it happen still is making it hard on me. SS asks at least once a week for me to sleep in his bed and I always say no I have from the very beginning. He has asked a lot. SO has explained it and told him no, SO does not share a bed with him and has not for a very long time now. I am tired of saying no, this is the one thing I will not budge on I just can't. Now that she has a boyfriend who spends the nights, it is just best that the lines are clear.
Other things I will let go, I do for the most part. Thank you I appreciate what you are saying and I am working on the control thing. I have found ways to cope with it. Part of it is that is literally my personality and everyone in my family is a little like me.
I know I am not the child's mother yet and I do get upset over some stuff that my SO does not. I have been working on that plenty. Again thank you. This whole dynamic is a work in progress.