Follow up to yesterday - adopting!
Thank you all the people that gave my constructive advice and were supportive.
I went home last night had a talk with SO we are going to go for legal guardianship in the next few months. We are waiting till a few things settle because we have a lot on our plate right now. I was planning on waiting a few months to begin with I just wanted some advice.
Talked to SO about if we divorce and all the other things people mentioned, he said he understood that if I adopt he would be mine and if we ever separated I would still be in his life and still be responsible. That is understood and he gets all that.
As for including SS, we are going to talk to a lawyer get the information and find out everything we need to do. Once that is done we will have to tell SS no matter what, according to some stuff that I have read. I read if he is 12 or older he has to consent, if he is younger than that they judge may ask him, if this is what he wants. So we will probably have to talk to him about it and me becoming his legal parent. Not sure how much information we will divulge about BM unless he asks questions. Many may not agree with this approach but SO and I both feel it is best to let him come to us and ask questions when he is ready. We both know it will happen eventually and we both agree that if he wants to know who she is and get in contact with her and meet her we will support that and make it happen.
I will take him to some counseling once all this gets more involved, even if he seems good, I still want confirmation from a professional that his is processing all this and understanding all that is happening and going on.
We will not start an adoption process till after we are married that is several months away. If all goes smoothly and things work out it will be at least another year after that. That will have been over two years, almost three, of us all living together and probably more than a year of being married. We are both willing to take the chance on what may happen with BM coming back into the picture, and we both agree we will deal with it. SO wants to make sure his son is taken care of and provided for and in a happy loving and familiar home if anything should ever happen to him. I can not say I blame SO for wanting this, I think he is doing the smart thing to ensure the best future possible for his son.
Again thank you all for the advice. We are not going out tomorrow and doing anything crazy about all this. It is something that will happen. We more than likely will not take full action till after the new year with the adopting thing.
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Comments
This seems like a really
This seems like a really solid plan!
Not sure what you are
Not sure what you are reading, but 12 year olds, as minors, cannot legally consent.
Glad to see you're slowing your roll. I think that's a great idea.
I read this as well. It's
I read this as well. It's less consent, more in the case where a stepparent is adopting they basically let the 12 year old choose if he's alright with that before they'll terminate the other parent's rights so the adoption can go through. Basically just another barrier before terminating a parent's rights.
Forgive me if I missed the
Forgive me if I missed the answer, there was a lot to read on your other post. What if starting a legal process brings BM back in your fiance's son's life? What if she spins a story of parental alienation and demands 50/50? How will that be handled for this little boy?
No one really asked that but
No one really asked that but we have discussed it. It might bring her back into the picture. We both fully understand that. I might be wrong in saying this but he has full custody. She just is allowed visitation if he permits it. She has not asked in over 6 years. So that is still in place.
I think we would talk to SS about what he wants and how he feels and let him decide. If he says he does not want to meet her we tell her sorry no. If she is not good with that she can hire a lawyer and force it. SO and I will not force SS to do anything he is not comfortable doing. If he says he wants to, I will absolutely make sure that the visit is supervised by a neutral party like a counselor or something. I do not see SO letting her into SS's life that easy after no contact for so long. We will take the steps needed to make sure SS is good and safe. That is is goal here and priority. Making sure SS has a safe, stable and healthy future.
Ash.... I know you thought I
Ash.... I know you thought I was being negative but I was trying to provide realistic possibility. 40 to 50 percent of marriages fail. Odds go up for subsequent. So just wanted to make you really think of that possibility and how it would play out. Honestly you sound a bit like my YSD who was sure that if she and her boyfriend broke up...they would be civil. Nope...not how it ended up much to her surprise. So..just hoping you can go forward eyes open
I am realistic. This is SO's
I am realistic. This is SO's and my first marriage. Neither one of was married before and he was with BM when he was 19/20 and they were together for like a year not even I think.
If SO and I do not work out it might not be civil, I have no idea but I did make sure he understands if we proceed with me adopting like a year from now, that I will be in his life no matter what. I have a lot of hope for my SO and I to be together forever, I am realistic and understand that might not happen. I think my SO and I have a really good start, we talk about a lot of things. We communicate about stuff and we are on the same page about most of the big stuff in our lives. Again I am not sure what 20 years down the road will hold for us. I can hope still together.
Ash, please please please
Ash, please please please please go and see a lawyer ON YOUR OWN who will only have YOUR fiscal/legal responsibilities as their priority!
Adopting comes with a whole load of legal responsibilities which will last YOU your entire life! For example, they will be able to go over an entire range of situations where your future adopted son may have legal authority over what happens to you.
Imagine in ten or fifteen years from now ... you and your current SO are no longer together, and God forbid you are in an accident and in serious condition and cannot speak for yourself. Your adopted son may have legal authority over your well-being and your assets as your next of kin, just like any other child.
What if it doesn't work between you and SO and you wind up married to another man, and have your own children with him? What kind of rights do you want those children to have, in relation to this child?
PLEASE ...go consult an attorney ON YOUR OWN and discuss these kinds of scenarios BEFORE you agree to any legal adoption.
Thank you for the advice. I
Thank you for the advice. I understand what comes with legally adopting a child. I understand everything you said. I know he will be my child and will have rights when he is older aver the age of 18 to make decision regarding my health.
A biological child would have the same rights as well. I really do get what all this entails. I am ok with all that. I could have a bio child some day who had mental issues and turns out to be a complete brat, or gets into drugs really bad and guess what that kid would have say, they would get everything. Biological kids can turn out just as bad, you can not predict everything in the future.
Again thank you for the warning. I do understand.
Thank God my dad wasn't like
Thank God my dad wasn't like this when he adopted me. I was raised that my 1/2 siblings were my brother and sister and we are all the same in my family. She is going to become this child's mother. She is doing a good thing and giving him 2 parents. She loves him. She wants to be his mom. It doesn't seem to make is difference to her if she has kids of her own one day. She knows that if they divorce she would be responsible and even possibly granted custody if she wants it in the case of divorce. She knows, and she loves the kid so she is doing an amazing thing to cement their bond.
He WILL become a shitty teenager one day, he WILL say things like "you aren't my real mom". Be ok with this. Love him harder. Thank God my dad did.
This is the best response! I
This is the best response! I can't help but think about my daughter who adopted a baby while she and her husband were pregnant. Both babies are girls a little less than 7 months apart but both are just as loved and they're the best of friends now at the age of 3 and 2 1/2.
I also like your response because you brought up something that I can offer to my daughter in case it ever comes up later...so thank you.
Tell her to love them harder
Tell her to love them harder when they are at their worst. They need it the most then. They will question their identity, they will question whether or not they were a giant mistake to even exist. They will question everything about themselves... that is when they need to most love. I can't say it enough, I don't know what would have happened if my "stepdad" didn't become my whole, legally binding, change my name, no questions about it dad. It was the greatest gift my parents ever gave me.
Thank you for the positive
Thank you for the positive story and outlook on everything. I can hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
Ash, one more thing to think
Ash, one more thing to think about:
What if you two split after the adoption, and SO leaves SS with you and only has EOWE visitation? Or he moves away and leaves SS with you post-divorce? Or anything, really, where you become SS's CP? Like SO becomes a drug addict? Or has a mental break? Or becomes physically incapable of more than visitation?
I'm not saying SO WOULD do that, or it would be his first choice. But, he has taken jobs in the past that allowed him to travel. If he did that again post-divorce, are you comfortable being the CP for a child that is legally but biologically not yours while his BF roams the country?
I think the chances are slim of this happening, but it's a very real possibility. You need to *really* ask yourself if you can be a CP f something were to happen that kept SO away from SS while he is still alive.
I have thought about that. I
I have thought about that. I really have given everything a lot of thought. I understand that all that is a possibility. I am really good with it.
Thank you again for your concern. I know it is coming from a good place. If SO and I ever decided to have a bio-child together I would be making that same decision. I would have to understand that having a child together would also mean if we ever split I could be a single parent doing most of the work and raising a child.
I just do not view this as that much different if SO and I decided to have a kid together. People do not give as much thought to everything when it comes to have bio-children but many of the same concerns still exist and are there just no one talks about it.
One of my students mom is
One of my students mom is completely out of the picture yet she refused to give up her rights so stepmom could adopt (step mom is in the picture for 6 years, married). You cannot just adopt kids if parent is alive and well.
I know that. We are going to
I know that. We are going to talk to a lawyer. I fully get she will be notified and and she could refuse to give up rights. I get that pretty sure I have said that many times now. If she refuses, and still has not contact and still stays away. We would have a good case in our favor.
SO and I fully understand what is involved and understand this could be a battle. I am going to support my SO and what he wants for his son. We are going to try and see what happens. It may not turn out in our favor. Just because there is that chance does not mean it is not worth the effort.
Good on you and SO Ashmar,
Good on you and SO Ashmar, You talked about it like adults and you are only asking questions, it's not like it's going to happen tomorrow, seems like you are only doing your home work, gathering information and weighing your options.
I sincerely hope it works out the way you imagine and that SIL or In-laws does not through a spanner in the works.
Good luck to you and SO and SS will be happy little boy, yes they do get snotty and bratty comes teenage years, but heck it does not matter if they are skid, bio or adopted...