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Keeping kids on Friday night

as's picture

I have been marreid for three months. My husband works on friday nights. He goes in at 6:00p.m. and does not get off untill 6:00a.m. He expects me to keep one or both of his two kids every Friday night. My SK's live with his parents. I pick them up from school every day. I help them with thier homework, I take them to the doctor. I singend them up for baseball and softball, and I am the only one that takes them to practice. They have not had a game yet. Being a Sp is new to me. I do not have any kids of my own. Anybody with two children or more doing sports know how tired you can get. Any way my husband gets angry when I would like to have a Friday night to myself. I never ask for a Friday night with out one of the kids, but this one time and he got angry. He tells me I don't want to be with his kids and all of this stuff. I don't feel he should be this way because he is not even there for his kids. If he was,then the kids would live with him and not down the road with his parents. His parents have gaurdian ship of them. The kids barley ever see thier mom because she is on drugs. Sometimes I wonder why he had kids. He likes the name "dad" only not the actuall role of dad. What as a SP am I suppose to do, and what am I not entitled to do?


starfish's picture

long were you with dh before getting married??? i think it is VERY odd that grandparents have guardian ship --- what made dh not suitable enough???

i don't want to speculate or be the grim talker, but it sounds like you have some serious things to consider.........

you have a bigger problem with DH facing his responsibilities , then you'r rights or lack of as SP...

i'm stuck with ass gnats this friday night, too and possibly tomorrow--- if it makes you feel any better....

RustyHalo's picture

when does daddy spend time with the kids? You are being treated like a babysitter. My FH used to play cards every other Friday night and a couple times he played on nights when we had the skids. If it's my choice to "allow" him to go play cards, he goes. I practically had to talk him into going. Sometimes, it's fun to be with skids without a bioparent around. But, the point is, it was MY choice. If I had said "I'd rather you stay home", he would have. What nights does he have off? Does he spend every moment away from work with the kids? Or is he just using you to give his parents a break?

******My daddy always said: "It's better to be a SMARTASS, than a DUMBASS!******

as's picture

That is exactly it. I wanted to go out with my mom last Friday night, while he was working. He got mad, said that I was a parent now and had responsiblitys. That his mom and dad has the kids all week and that they neede a break.

He off at night all during the week except Friday nights. He is a truck driver. He is also off on all weekends.

as's picture

We have been together for 1 1/2 years. We have been married for three months. Him and the kids mom did drugs back in the day. He has been clean 4 four years, so he has not been doing them while I have been with him. He gets to see his kids and have them come over all the time. His parents live just 5 seconds down the road from us. Being a SP is really very new to me. I don't have a clue to what Iam doing. What are the rules Sp are suppose to follow, what are the things we are not suppose to do?

RustyHalo's picture

I wish there was a rule book that gave us the "do's and don'ts" of stepparenting.
You should do whatever you are comfortable doing. But, make damn sure you are appreciated for it. Your husband better take excellent care of you every minute of every day for the way you stepped up to the plate.
Being a stepparent is the hardest thing I have ever done. But, remember, as a stepparent if you leave the marriage you have no rights to the children. So, if you're contemplating leaving - best to do it sooner than later for your sake and theirs.

******My daddy always said: "It's better to be a SMARTASS, than a DUMBASS!******

sdsmakemecrazy's picture

Well, I'm a big fan of timeout. My man will gets his kids every Saturday. They sleepover. Then we take them home Sunday. If we could, we'd have full custody BUT he works 2-12am Sunday - Thursday. Friday night he calls "his off night." I call it "our night alone." When we first started dating, We had them four days a week and now it's only 1 1/2 because of his work schedule training.

These girls were 1 and 3 at the time. They were the WORST behaved children I had ever come across in my whole life. You know those kids in the grocery store that throw a tantrum and throw things because Mommy tells them no? The ones that makes your ears bleed and make you run home and take a double dosage of your birth control pills? That was these girls. They didn't know who the hell bigbird was (and still don't) yet they could tell you how to have sex? Awful... I've been working very hard to change these kids...4 years later...for the cure of their "mouths" I have decided that three things work the best:

1. Timeout. I know right, cliche. Rolling of the eyes, talking back, physical hitting, kicking, etc. temper tantrums, and just plain old NOT listening, whining, or being rude - that'll get you timeout with me. I always set the timer on the microwave for 5 minutes at first (give them a tissue right away if they are crying) - they WILL use "I need a tis-tis-tisue" as an excuse to get up. I put a chair in the corner, facing a wall, away from the tv so they absolutely cannot see it. If they mumble, talk back, or cry loud and ridiculous for more than 1 minute, I add 2 minutes to the timer. See? They HATE IT! But then, when the timer goes off, I walk over to the chair, get on my knees and I ask things like, "Why did you do that?" "Do you understand WHY I put you here?" If they answer yes, and tell you they learned their lesson, I give them a hug then let them go play...You want them to know you are not just putting them there because you felt like it...but you make them understand what and why what they did was wrong.

2. Communication. When we first started dating he was clueless. It was like he ignored everything and his mother seemed to think she was the mother of the kids. When I came along I was like HELL NO! I made him take control of his kids and tell momma who the real parent was. I worked with him. We discussed strategies, whether he wanted to hear it or not. I made him "make a schedule." They needed to know when "bedtime" was, that there was breakfast, lunch, a small snack, dinner, and a bedtime snack. (his mother used to let them eat junkfood alllll day, eating junk all day NOT only causes cavities BUT it also takes a HUGE toll on their behavior! ( I am sure you all know this) but seriously, take away McD's and BK everyday (that's all their BM feeds them)and you will see a HUGE difference!

3. Ignorance is bliss. The girls are a lot older now. The youngest one has a great respect for me and we have a really good relationship. I think it's because She can't remember me NOT being there. The oldest one still had a mouth on her and things no one can hear her talk back. If she is rude on a particular weekend and I don't want to deal with her...I play with her sister. I look at her and I said, "Treat others the way you want to be treated." Until she learns to be nice...I won't play with her.

Try out some of these methods if you havent already. defintely the time out thing and email me if you have any questions! I'm only 25 ; )

Totalybogus's picture

Sounds like he married you so he had a nanny for his kids. They are his responsibility, not yours. You really need to communicate this with him and let him know that while you don't mind helping him out once in a while you will not be the one taking care of all of their needs. If he doesn't like it, tough noogies. Better to find out now what your place is in his life than wait five years only to find you wasted your time.

belleboudeuse's picture

"I never ask for a Friday night with out one of the kids, but this one time and he got angry. He tells me I don't want to be with his kids and all of this stuff."

Huh????!!!?? HE's telling you YOU don't want to be with his kids? WHen YOU do most of the work?

Well, I would say, "Oh, really? So the way I show you that I don't want to be with your kids is by signing them up for sports, taking them to their activities, help them with their homework, take them to the doctor, etc.? ANd the way YOU show me that you WANT to be with your kids is to do none of those things for them and let them live with your parents? Okay, well, from now on I will SHOW you that I WANT to be with them by acting just like you. I will show you how much I want to be with them by no longer driving them anywhere or doing anything for them. Good luck finding a sitter." And then I would stop doing this stuff. Just like that. Let him fend for his own DAMN SELF for a while and see if he continues to completely disrespect you and use you as a live-in maid and nanny.

He's disrespecting you, but if you continue to do this stuff, you're letting him. Don't let him treat you like a servant anymore.


- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

2Bloved's picture

FH used to say this crap to me, until I reeled this spiel off!!

I would absolutely point out the discrepancies to what he is saying, and see how he ansnwers you!!

DoingItAgain's picture

Assuming your are willing to give up having a 'Friday night' out for as long as the skids are at home, I would just plan time away on one or more of another night a week that he is home so that you still have time for yourself, the kids aren't pawned off on someone else and daddy gets to spend 'special' time with his kids and actually take care of them for a change.

You pick them up from school every day? When do they go to their grandparents? Do you have the skids every weekend, all weekend? Does daddy see them every night except Friday nights?

Sita Tara's picture

I have some questions-

I know you are 26 from your bio, but how old is DH? Also, how long have you been together before getting married.

It sounds as though your DH had a lot of expectations that you would step right into be a mom to his children. And though we do as SMs step up most times, for us to do so is a gift to our DHs and our SKs. If he cannot be home with the kids, then he needs to adjust his work schedule or when he takes them. It's possible he is worried if he changes days or reduces that day then he will lose ground with the GPs. And the GPs may pressure him to take them b/c they may need the break.

But that's between them and DH. I would sincerely tell him that you are not going to be available Fri nights. If necessary, get a volunteer gig on Fridays- hospitals, theatres, art galleries, etc all need volunteers.Set up a book club/card club/cooking club on Fridays.

I don't agree with your DH that you need to fill in for him while he's at work overnight. He doesn't even see them, then does he stay awake with them on Sats? or are you still "on the clock."

Hope you find a solution soon!

frustrated stepmom's picture

You're getting used!! My husband tried the "you're a parent now and you have responsiblities" crap one time in the 3 years we've been together. My response was simple (but said in a very, very loud voice) "I didn't have fun making them so they're NOT my sole responsiblity". He has NEVER uttered those words again. If you want a night off, that is a more than fair request. It sounds like you have totally stepped up to the plate as a stepmom and you're doing a great job! It's not fair what he's basically demanding that you do and cover HIS responsibility. I agree with the other answer(s) that say to tell him no and/or find something to make you unavailable on Friday nights.

Totalybogus's picture

My x did this as well. I figure I gave 150% and on the one occasion I couldn't do something he asked me "what kind of mother are you??" Well needless to say it totally pizzed me off and I informed him that I am not her mother. She has a mother in Orlando. How about asking her what kind of mother she is...

stepmom2one's picture

I would put it simply ---

I have the kids all week, basically. Do you mind if we get a babysitter on Friday night? I would like some time with the ladys out.

If he says no, tell him you deserve the time with your friends. Have a babysitter one Friday night here and there is normal for kids. He isn't home anyway, why does he care.

I agree that the grandparents should get the time away but you can hire a sitter--all us parents do it. The children will survive it!

as's picture

Thank you all for your tips on the subject. I did manage to get this Friday night off. It was wonderful. I did nothing all night but relax and finally got to read a really good book. The advice really helped me, I don't feel as bad for thinking I needed a night off as I did before I heard from yall.