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Ss believes that Dh abandoned him; he hates dh so much because of it. Dh is broken because of it

Aquarius018's picture

Long time lurker, and first time poster here. 

Bm and Dh divorced when ss15 was just 5 years old. Dh moved to a different province for work(not to get away from Ss). Dh would still phone ss, pay for him to fly over here. Ss would tell dh at the time that he really misses him a lot and ask him to move back. Dh would reply by saying that he's here for work purposes only, and when the opportunity does arrise, he will move back. 

I was introduced to ss when he was 6, and we got along just great. He would still ask dh when he was going to move back and dh would reply the same way. Me and Dh did talk about moving back (dh really wanted to be around ss more), so we both agreed that we would move to be closer to ss. That didn't happen though. Both me and Dh lost our jobs at the time. We were struggling so hard to even put food on the table. Due to this fianical stress, dh couldn't afford to fly ss to see him. Dh did talk to Bm about it. Bm said that she would have no problem with paying for ss visit (Bm was very wealthy), but dh wasn't comfortable with the idea, he did ask Bm to let dh talk to Ss. Dh explanied to ss that he can't come to visit that summer due to problems at work, but dh did say that things get better, he would fly him out asap. Ss was hurt, but he understood. Dh did would talk to ss everyday on the phone to ensure that ss didn't think dh abandoned him. That very same year I got pregnant. Bm found out cause of dh fb post. She called dh up and basically called him a fraud. Bm said that ss became very quiet since dh told him that he couldn't come visit, and she called him a deatbeat and heartless father who was too busy making a new family, that he totally forgot about the kid he already had. That conversation wasn't a pleasant one at all. Dh goes to bm that just because ss his first kid, doesn't mean he isn't allowed to have other kids and ss will have to deal with it. Turns out ss overheard that conversation. To a 6 year old that basically sounds like a i'm done with you kind of statement. Bm didn't know that ss was listening. As much as she hates us at the moment, she loved ss. Hurting ss is something she would never do on purpose. Ss was never same after that. He would barley speak to dh after that. Dh tried to explain to ss that he wasn't trying to say that he was finished with him, but ss wasn't having any of it. Dh would call and talk to ss, ss was cold to dh. As for my pregnancy, I Miscarriaged. I was dianosed with ovarian cancer and had both of my ovaries removed (Can never have children now). 

It took us 4 years to get back on our feet (literally worked from the ground up). In those 4 years ss just grew more disant from dh. He would barely talk to dh. Dh finally decided to cut back from ss just a bit until ss actually wanted to talk to him. He did call on holidays and birthdays and he did send gifts, but dh never got a phone call thanking him. Last year Bm passed away. Literally within 9 months, both us moved to alberta because dh wanted ss to be around family and friends. Ss is kind, caring, and respectable to everyone except dh, he doesn't really ackowledge me either. Ss hates dh with a passion. He goes to dh that he's not a after thought to anyone, his only parent died (he doesn't consider dh is dad, he calls him a sperm donor). He says that he will be in our lives until he's 18 (He's 15), then he's leaving and he will never see dh again, not until dh's funeral. When ss turns 18, he gets access to Bm life insurance, her million dollar estate, bank balances, bonds, rental properties, and her company. Everything goes to him, as it should.

Dh is broken and it hurts me to see him like this. Ss says that dh got his karma for abadoning him. He will never know what it's like to have another child; the child that he already has wants noting to do with him. He'll never attend a highschool graduation, university graduation, a marriage ceremony, and will never know what it's like to have grand-childen. His own son is saying this to him!! Bm did raise ss to be independent. He looks after himself, does his chores without being told, makes his own dinner, get's amazing grades, and even works at Bm's company. One of Bm's business partners arranged for ss to get picked up and dropped off everyday and his mentoring him to take over one day.  

Ss and dh fights are unbearable. Ss even said that he wishes bm and dh would trade places, so that Bm would live and Dh would be dead. He says that he's all alone, the only one that has ever cared and believed in him was Bm. When dh says he's not alone and dh will always be there for him all he has to do his let him, ss will say "then where were you when I needed you?"

Dh desperatly wants to be there for ss, he wants to show ss that he's not alone , that his dad is still around, but ss is extremely hurt and angry. Ss is only 15 years old. He desveres to be a normal teenager. 

Comments

thinkthrice's picture

"Divorce Poison"  and look for Dr. Craig Childress's videos on youtube.   SS was Parentally Alienated by the BM.  And now that the BM has passed, SS has put her on a sainted pedestal. 

Disneyfan's picture

 

Bad

Survivingstephell's picture

Not sure how you overcome a dead BM.  She obviously never spoke highly of DH to SS.  Its a shame she left him like that, a bitter young man.  Dh needs to get some therapy for himself so he doens't spend the rest of his life beating himself up over this.  Life happens and things don't always work out the way you want them too.  DH and SS needs to come to terms with that and build from there.  Not going to happen on its own.  Too many hurt feelings to get over.  

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

 We have no idea what BM said about dad.

My mom used to say wonderful things about how much my dad loves me and my sister but his actions didn’t back that.

fourbrats's picture

for SS to see his dad and for FOUR years dad said no because he wasn't "comfortable" with it? And then when a SS became distant it never occurred to your husband to tell BM to send the child who obviously wanted dad in his life and felt abandoned and left behind? Your husband also made promises to a small child that he couldn't follow through with. You don't tell a five year old that you are moving back and then finally do it a decade later. 

Basically your husband had every opportunity to see his child and he chose not to. That is what it comes down to. You can blame mom (who tried to facilitate the visits) you can blame SS having an attitude, but honestly it only sounds like your husband is even parenting right now because he had to due to mom's death. 

The only hope they may have is therapy but there is a decade of hurt there. And yes, I put the blame on your spouse as should you. 

Pear's picture

 

I would recommend therapy for his son.  He has the right to be angry, but his best start in life will come from finding a way to let that anger go, even if it doesn’t mean reconciling with his father. 

 

Your husband and made a series of really bad choices and now he is paying for them.  He should put his son first for a change and make sure he gets the help he needs. 

Binky103's picture

Fellow Albertan here.....I also recommend reading Divorce Poison. My husband's daughter was alienated from him and I've learned some interesting insights from that book.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

There's no signs that BM actually attempted to alienate SS from his dad. What we do see is a child whose father moved a long distance from him. We see a son who repeatedly asked his dad to come back. We see a dad who because of pride rejected BM's HELP to ensure the child could spend time with him. Who then while unable to see his first child got pregnant with another.

That’s all on dad. BM didn’t have to do anything.

Now I do understand that dad moved for work but kids don’t care about money they care about time with their parents.

I do understand that dad had every right to try and have another child and I don’t fault him at all for that but at the same time BM doesn’t have to say a word for the boy to feel like his father was moving on with a new family.

Yes the boys behavior is unacceptable but at the same time you can’t blame BM for it all. OP clearly states that she KNOWS BM didn’t intend for the child to hear that phone call.

Yes read the book but focus on the areas that explain that alienation isn’t always the fault of the custodial parent.

If dad is telling the boy he’s wrong then he’s ignoring the facts that the boys not. All of this did happen. It’s not just imagined or lied about. He did leave, he did turn down chances to see him, he did try to have another child, he did cut ties.

Again I’m sorry OP. I’m not saying you guys didn’t do the best you could. This isn’t to hurt you at all and honestly I don’t think you’re trying to say there’s no reason for the boys issues.

I would say therapy for all. The boy clearly needs it. Dad clearly needs it. And I’m going to say it wouldn’t hurt you either. I’m not saying you guys are sick I’m saying having someone to talk to could help. Long term family therapy between dad and son may help them get through the pain they are both feeling. This boy lost his mother who did pretty much raise him alone. Dad was basically a strange phone. Calls don’t replace presence.

elkclan's picture

Athletes who want to improve their performance use coaching. No serious team tries to practice and play without a coach. Family life is about team work. Coaching is about helping you see the whole playing field. Therapy isn't always about helping sick people get better. Sometimes it's about helping well people see the whole playing field and work better together. 

A family therapist would have helped your DH work through his issues of pride when he refused the plane ticket and helped him see the long game. A therapist could help your DH make amends now and help your SS see the long game - which frankly is hard for a 15yo boy to see. Good luck. 

Harry's picture

Did he Really have to move for Away for a job. He move away for a job them did not have money to fly out DS.  Could he not of worked by DS ??  What ever job story, is DS does not  not believe it.  He feel you two move to play and get away from him. Not have 50/50.  When you make up stores, and kids get old enought to see that, BM most likely help. You get what coming to you. IF DS was that important he would work any job to be closer to DS.

Disneyfan's picture

Nothing the OP posted supports the ridiculous claim of PAS by the mother.  No, Im not saying that PAS in general is ridiculous.  Just it isn't a valid claim in this situation.

Hell, the OP herself all but sang the BM's praise.

 

Dad made the CHOICE to move away from his son. Dad made the CHOICE to repeatedly tell the kid that he would move back.  Dad made the CHOICE to reject mom's attempts to facilitate visits. Dad made the CHOICE to speak the hurtful words his son overheard.

Now he is dealing with the consequences of those choices.

Mom can not be blamed for the choices dad made.