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OT - Women Wednesday

Aniki's picture

I don't know about anyone else, but I'm hard on myself. And by hard, I'm downright MEAN to myself. At some point in my life, I decided that if I'M meaner to me than anyone else, their words won't hurt as much. Instead of talking myself UP, I've been talking myself down. In a way, I'm mentally abusing MYSELF. That is SO jacked up. Who else beats themselves up??

Women are powerful creatures. We can do it all. Regardless of how physically strong men are, I believe that we women take the cake in strength. We suffer through amazing (and annoying!) body changes. We've ventured into jobs that were, once, exclusively for men. And while the female stereotypes we grew up with have not been completely eradicated, we have proven that we CAN and DO darn near everything that men do.

So instead of beating myself up, I really want to try and banish my inner bully. I have decades of practice, so it will be a hard habit to break. I've been looking up some memes and sayings to keep with me as a reminder to be nicer to ME, practice some self-love, and get out of my extremely deep negativity rut. Anyone else out there beating themselves?

You are under no obligation to be the same person you were a year, a month, or even 15 minutes ago. You have the right to grow. No apologies.

Your  past mistakes are meant to guide you, not define you.

Wokring on myself, for myself, by myself.

Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love.

You have my permission to be kind to yourself.

I'm going to play a new game with the skids today. It's called Duct, Duct, Tape.
(And who caught that?)

You will never speak to anyone more than you speak to yourself in your head. Be kind to yourself.

Don't just be good to others. Be good to youself, too.

Comments

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I'm hard on myself... I push myself physically to, sometimes, unfortunatley, to the point I end up injured just because I don't want to admit that it's hard. I don't want limits set for myself.

Probably too far, but I do learn from those mistakes. I still don't set limits, but I do know where my walls are and just how hard I can push it to help me grow.

However I could work on being nicer to how I talk to myself... Thanks for the reminder Aniki!!!

Aniki's picture

For as long as I can remember, I refused to listen to my body when it comes to physical limitations. I've been known to push myself until I literally drop - and end up injured. In fact, I'm sporting a bruise on my arm from "catching" the canoe so it would not fall all the way off the car roof - it would have broken off the drivers side mirror. It's a lovely bruise! Goes from 1-inch below my elbow to just below my bicep. And it friggin' hurts!

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Aniki!!! Don't hurt yourself too far! But I understand... Hence my hip injury that just had a flareup 6 years after the initial injury... Oops!

Evil3's picture

I've always been very hard on myself and I go overboard on confessing things to the point of being a martyr. I think that comes from when I was bullied at work and people were getting fired, right left and centre and if I went overboard pretending to "accept personal accountability" and "stepping up to the plate" to "face the music," it would totally disarm people and they'd have no choice but to back off. Since then, I've used that a lot because it works. When it stopped working and I felt totally abused, I stopped doing it, but the urge is still there. I also tend to beat myself up before someone else can. I pretend to laugh at myself so that others can't be mean. There are some things that I've accomplished in life that some women are very jealous of and accuse me of being way too proud of them, and instead of seeing those very few women as being b*tches, I'd go overboard to over prove that I was humble, so I'd totally self depricate myself and "laugh at myself." Well, it doesn't work, so I'm working on not doing it anymore. I'm done.

Aniki's picture

Evil, those are things I do: beat myself up before someone else can and laugh at myself.

I was often "teased" about having big breasts. I found them embarrassing. But I learned all the punchlines to "big boob" jokes and laughed along with everyone else - even when I was cringing/crying inside.

Dovina's picture

all too often. Thanks for this post and tips Aniki. We all need to love ourselves, and not be so critical.

Aniki's picture

Dovina, one thing I read that really hit home...

You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn't worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens. Give rose

Cover1W's picture

I am hard on myself becuase I need to finish things!  Like, my weekends are often full of projects and tasks that I cannot do during the week because I'm away from the house so long each day - for the SDs school (LOL no longer applies to SD14).  I would love to have HOURS back a week and move closer to work. 

I have to remember to freaking schedule time for myself, literally. And this means doing things AWAY from the house. If I'm at home, likely I'll be doing something. I go to lunch, go to the next town over, DH and I get a hotel room for a night, etc.  DH is good at reminding me to slow down but sometimes I have to tell him that if he wants me to slow down on the weekends then I need HELP around the house in order to do so! 

My time off this weekend:  We have a dinner party on Saturday and I am going to make a dessert, something I love to do but never have the time. 

Funny:  DH said to me "We should bring SD12, right?"  Um, NO.  She's not invited, it's an adult party - arrange for her to be with a friend or she can stay home alone.  We're literally less than a mile away.  NOPE.  WTH, really?

Aniki's picture

FIrst off, I'm giving your DH an imaginary kick in the pants for saying/thinking that!!

Cover, I have things I, too, need to finish. My stupid extreme anxiety gets the best of me and I am immobilized into INactivity. I get so overwhelmed by the big picture, I cannot function. Oh, I can see all of the ways to "break it down into smaller tasks", but my mind is locked on to that big picture and it paralyzes me. And that's when I REALLY start being hateful to myself. Dash 1

ESMOD's picture

I don't think it's unusual for women to be our own worst critics/enemies.  There are so many ways we self sabotage... and I think a bit of it stems from the unrealistic portrayals of women and our bodies in media.  Women are still by a long shot judged and valued by their looks.  Men typically more by their jobs... what they "DO" for a living vs women who are judged for their weight.. clear skin.. youthful look etc.   

It's frustrating.  I am told constantly by the entertainment and news industry that as a women over 50 that I am invisible.. that I don't matter. (I've seen similar stories and reflections on women over 35 or 40 too).  So basically it's hard to come to grips with the fact that at my age that I am not valued by society because I no longer am young, pretty or able to bear children. 

They say women's view of what they find attractive in a mate evolves as they age... Men?  They still think the ideal is a 19 yo.  The furher I am from that the harder it is to not be a bit down on myself that I no longer have the ability to be considered attractive or valued by others.  So... I work on getting fit to videos that are 100% populated with girls that I will never have the possibility of looking like.  It's hard to not get sad over what will never ever be again.  We can't turn back time.

That being said.. I do still want to enjoy life and there is something a bit freeing about not worrying whether people approve of the way you look because.. quite frankly  they don't notice you..haha.  So I work out anyway because I want to enjoy my life and live a long healthy life with my husband.  Whether anyone else finds me attractive... HE tells me I am... constantly.  Every time we are together he tells me I am pretty... and he looks like he means it.haha.

So.. don't beat yourself up over things that can't be..or aren't even possible (hello photoshop... no one looks like those pictures we see).

Keep your eyes on your own page.  If it doesn't impact YOU.. don't worry about it. 

Don't let your fear of another person's reaction stop you from participating in life.  Who cares if those teen girls giggle at your beach body?  Let them remember that when THEY turn your age.. if they are lucky enoug TO reach your age. 

We only get to go around this world once.  Don't let your insecurities and fears stop you from doing the things you want to do.  I would rather be a bit embarassed than regret never taking part at all.

Aniki's picture

ESMOD, I agree with you! Despite the strides society has taken, I feel that the stereotypes are so ingrained that people THINK them - even if they do not voice them. Men should be strong and hardworking and who cares if they're ugly - makes strong babies. Women should be homemakers and pretty and skinny - makes attractive babies. Ish.

Part of me thinks that men still think the ideal is 19 is because that's what the media and society push. I recently read an article about how women spend $8 a day on makeup. A DAY?? On MAKEUP??? Crikey. I probably spend $8 a MONTH on makeup! ANd what a crock that is. WTH do we feel so compelled to wear makeup? Because society demands it. I am a makeup minimalist, but I still slap on SOME kind of warpaint when I leave the house - even if it's just powdering my nose to get rid of the shine.

It's absolutely abysmal that people in their 50s and 60s are losing value as a worker. Please tell me what is so bloody wonderful about a 20-something that can only do work when constantly supervised or who thinks that taking the initiative automatically means they should make $$$ more. Instead of doing more to get a good raise, they expect the raise BEFORE they do anything. SMDH. When did knowledge and experience lost value??

queensway's picture

Aniki great blog. I think we all can be hard on ourselves. We go thru different stages in this life of ours. We remember childhood memories that seem to stay with us for the rest of our lives. Good and bad. With all things being said from all the steptalkers post I think the very best thing we can do is LEARN to be our own best friend. Treat ourselves with love and kindness. Love ourselves.

I also think that when we take care of our needs and live a happy life we accept our flaws. We think of our mistakes as learning lessons and stop beating ourselves up over stupid things. Then we learn to extend the love we have within our soul and share it with other people.

So just in case someone hasn't told you today Aniki,

You are loved.

You are kind.

You have the most wonderful sense of humor and make us laugh.

You make us all feel good about ourselves with your blogs.

You make this world a better place. Thank you!

Aniki's picture

Queen, if I could love your post, I would!! This really stood out to me:

"...the very best thing we can do is LEARN to be our own best friend."

SO true and something for which everyone, women and men, should strive. Kiss 3

notsobad's picture

I read a book once on becoming a millionaire. One of the most powerful things in it was to control your inner voice.

The books suggestion was to put a rubber band on your wrist. Every time you had a negative thought or put yourself down, snap the band. Every. Single. Time.

It took about 3 months and sore wrists, I had to switch wrists, but I stopped the negative thoughts. Stopped them completely. That was about 12 -13 years ago and I have managed to keep them at bay. 

Once you stop, it’s amazing how your life turns around. Things that used to bother me don’t. People who used to upset me don’t anymore. 

After a bit I replaced the negative talk with good talk. I still make mistakes, but now I ask myself what I’ve learned from the mistake. I still put my foot in my mouth, now I apologize and try to not be insensitive. I’m still getting old, now I look in the mirror and am grateful my eyes still work, wrinkles and all.

Try it, it works.