Feeling a little blue
:? I'm not in a good place right now. The kids will be home in two hours. I'm trying to work and just can't stay focused. I am thinking about a student in our town who was popular, a football player and everyone loved him...today was his funeral, he committed suicide on Sunday. Then I flash to my SD, who grates on my nerves, who has very few friends, who is doing poorly in school, and has no self esteem.
I do what I can for her, what I physically can, because dealing with her tires me out. I try and bake with her, take her shopping alone, make plans with other kids in hopes she will be able to make a friend. She resents my relationship with my DD. And I don't even think its because she wants that relationshi pwith me, she wants it with her BM. But she is an absent parent. She is the custodial parent, but is emotionally absent.
If a popular, well liked kid, can get so despondent that he takes his own life...what happens to the kids like my SD?
So now I feel guilty. I feel like I have to try harder or do more. But my heart isn't in it. I go through the motions half heartedly. I am emotionally detached because of the tantrums and manipulation and the lies, and the I hate yous, and the nobody loves me.
I keep blogging about her and the same issues, I want the dislike I feel for her to go away, but its not happening and I feel guilty. She's a child of circumstance. She behaves the way she does, because she wants attention and if she can't get positive attention, she'll take the negative attention. How many more weekends, can I hide away in my bedroom? How many more feelings to I have to keep bottled up and put on a fake smile for? I go to therapy just to help me deal with these negative emotions. I want to like her, but I can't.