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Feeling a little blue

alittleaggravated's picture

:? I'm not in a good place right now. The kids will be home in two hours. I'm trying to work and just can't stay focused. I am thinking about a student in our town who was popular, a football player and everyone loved was his funeral, he committed suicide on Sunday. Then I flash to my SD, who grates on my nerves, who has very few friends, who is doing poorly in school, and has no self esteem.

I do what I can for her, what I physically can, because dealing with her tires me out. I try and bake with her, take her shopping alone, make plans with other kids in hopes she will be able to make a friend. She resents my relationship with my DD. And I don't even think its because she wants that relationshi pwith me, she wants it with her BM. But she is an absent parent. She is the custodial parent, but is emotionally absent.

If a popular, well liked kid, can get so despondent that he takes his own life...what happens to the kids like my SD?

So now I feel guilty. I feel like I have to try harder or do more. But my heart isn't in it. I go through the motions half heartedly. I am emotionally detached because of the tantrums and manipulation and the lies, and the I hate yous, and the nobody loves me.

I keep blogging about her and the same issues, I want the dislike I feel for her to go away, but its not happening and I feel guilty. She's a child of circumstance. She behaves the way she does, because she wants attention and if she can't get positive attention, she'll take the negative attention. How many more weekends, can I hide away in my bedroom? How many more feelings to I have to keep bottled up and put on a fake smile for? I go to therapy just to help me deal with these negative emotions. I want to like her, but I can't.


007Lostit's picture

We need to stop saying things like "she is a child of circumstance" ....IMO that is nothing but an excuse for them to behave poorly or continue to behave poorly. Victims. That is what it makes them.

That is exactly how my SD17 is, and it has been that way for many years and at this point it is just sickening and old. She needs to start being responsible for her own future and make something of herself, instead of trying to blame things on everyone else around her and never being responsible for her own actions and behavior.

Don't give your skids any reason to behave like victims.

You don't have to like her. I don't like my sd. I am just coming to the realization myself that I don't have to like her, but I can be civil. It is harder when they live with you. I hide in my room too, but sometimes i tell her to go do something so I can be "out" of my room and don't have to be around her. It saves my sanity. My DH knows I am done trying with her, and he knows I may never get to a point again where i "let her in", and he is ok with that, because he saw/sees how it is affecting me and how depressed I have become over the whole situation. Especially since she ran away two weeks ago.
Hang in there. You are not alone.

alittleaggravated's picture

How do you figure, I'm unhealthy emotionally? Because I am bothered by teenager who commits suicide and I'm concerned for my SD and kids like her? I'd really like an explantation of that.

buttercookie's picture

I don't think its because your bothered by a teenager committing suicide, heck the thought of it bothers me and I don't know the child. I think everyone is worried about you (in a good way) because your posts sound like your trying so hard with your SD but your blaming yourself for her unhappiness. I hope the best for you, please try not to take on any guilt. Do what you think is right and I hope in time this gets easier for you.

purpledaisies's picture

I have to agree stop giving her an excuse. It was hard but I had to talk to the school today and refuse putting my son in special ed classes as I refuse to let him use autism as an excuse to not do good in school.

alittleaggravated's picture

I actually wasn't giving her an excuse. I was reflecting in a blog, I don't give in to her in life.

As far as not giving your son the services he needs as and Autistic child, that I don't get. Being put in Special Ed, is not a stigma, it gives a child the services that they need to live a full life. But that is entirely your decision. And you know what is right for your child.

Step-Monkey.'s picture

A little aggr. I hear you Loud & Clear! My SD18 could be the girl that your talking about in your original post. I call my hubby before I leave work just to be sure that he'll be home when I get there 'cause I dread being in the house w/ her alone. Her mom is both bipolar & a pathological liar. She's lived w/ us for only the last 5 yrs but trying to undue the damage her mom did is going to be one of the biggest most important things I'll ever try to do in my life. SD18 has potential to be a great person. She also has no friends & I try to do what's right while being firm & as nurturing as I know how to be. She's lippy sometimes, she lies sometimes, & she can have a 'tude sometimes- is there a teenage girl That isn't like that sometimes. I'm not defending her but nature did deal her kind of a shitty hand in the mom dept. Her dad & I do the best we can & those rare moments when she hugs us tight & whispers 'love you' make the crappy times seem so unimportant. For what it's worth, I say - don't give up on her - she'll see it someday - might be years from now, but if you can hang in there - she'll be a better person due in Large part - to you.

steptwins's picture

Disengage asap. What's Dad doing for her? She needs bio parents to take an interest in her. After a few days you will feel better about the situation and she might even stop resenting you. As far as suicide? Forget about it! Its her decision and with education you'll realize as a survivor its NOT your fault. I also when 1st married was naive to believe I was responsible for the skids' health & well-being b.c. I was the SM & cared about them. NO WAY. They don't want SM's attention, they want Bio's.

ddakan's picture

Yes, I understand exactly. sd21 was handed over to me at 17 because she was kicked out of her aunts house. Auntie adopted her and so she got tired of dealing with her. Anyway DH had adopted her too. They treated this kid like trash. I came into the picture when she was 11. I put an abrupt hault to the trash talking they did to her. Her real mom left her to run off with a carnival when she was 5!

sd21 is jealous of my 2 dds 19, 18, but I tell her look, I love you and I will be your mom just like I am theirs. She has no contact with her aunt at all and now her real mom has shown up trying to become miss goody mommy without helping at all with any of the real problems.

I always do what is right by her and I stand in her corner. I've been frustrated beyond words with her, but I refuse to leave her in the world without a mother. I know it gets tiring. My sd lies too, but all kids lie. Now that we are through a lot of rough years, I can look back and know I did what I could, even though it was hard. She is more mature now and she's making better decisions. Its very rewarding to see.

I'm not saying she's arrived. She got put in jail last monday for a traffic warrant for not paying a ticket. She survived it and got it taken care of. It's progress!