Expected to Babysit?
I am new to this forum and I am not sure I am submitting this correctly, but I am in need of some advice.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year and he has two sons with two different mothers. Their ages are 4 and 11. They are both wonderful boys and well behaved, but I do not have much experience with children so at this point, I tend to tag along with their dad and be more of a spectator when they come over (every other weekend). I know that I need to start being more involved and take the initiative to start games and conversations, and in the last year I feel like I have improved a lot. The older son is much easier for me to relate to because I can ask him questions about school, movies, and his general interests- but the younger one is harder for me to relate to. He is a good kid, but he is at that age where he prefers to be the center of attention, will make up random rules to games that make no sense, is constantly using his "outside voice", and takes forever to get anything done (getting dressed, eating his food, walking down the street, etc.). I know he will be a great kid and I see us getting along better in the future but right now, he is a huge handful for someone with such limited experience.
My boyfriend takes care of the boys every other weekend and I make an effort to share time with them every time. Whether it be going to a movie together, hanging out at home and having dinner, or taking a day trip to the zoo. I do get impatient and exhausted faster than my boyfriend of course so sometimes I need a day to myself or need to go home before he wants me to and it often leads to him feeling like I am not trying hard enough. This has been really hard for me because in the last year, I have gone from spending ZERO time with kids- to spending several hours with them every other weekend. I love my boyfriend and I want to make this work, so even though we fight about it kind of often, we always decide that we still want to try.
ANYWAY, I will get to the point now. Recently my boyfriend got a new job and they want him to work weekends more often than he has before. He explained to his boss that he has his boys every other weekend, but apparently she will just schedule him anyway and then it is up to him to get his shifts covered. When the schedule came out one week ago, he called me and asked if I could watch the boys alone for the 6 hours that he will be at work. Immediately, I started feeling anxious. I told him that he should try to get his shift covered and talk to the moms but if that fails, then I could step up and help him out. He agreed and we went about the rest of the week like normal. THEN, yesterday I find out that he never released his shift and he never talked to the moms about it- and the boys are supposed to come over tomorrow! He totally abandoned our agreement and just assumed that I would be watching the boys. I explained to him that I am not comfortable watching both of them for that amount of time and I do not think it should be expected of me to take on that responsibility right now- it also doesn't help that he lives in a tiny studio apartment that they have completely outgrown and every time all four of us are there, I feel like I am trapped with nowhere to go. After talking with him, he thinks I am being selfish and immature for not being ready to watch them- but we have only been together for 13 months!
Am I being selfish or inconsiderate? Should I just suck it up and give in to his request, even though he lied to me about trying to find other options? Or should I stand my ground and make him understand that this is HIS responsibility and not mine?
Thank you!
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Comments
Oh Hell NO!!! DO NOT start a
Oh Hell NO!!! DO NOT start a trend of you babysitting now. It will never end. Take it from me! You will start to resent the kids and Your SO for it very quickly.
Tell him you don't appreciate him ignoring your agreement and he needs to call off work.
From now on when it is his time with the kids, find other things for you to do that you enjoy. You are going to be stuck watching them whenever HE feels you should if you go ahead and cave in now. Learn from my mistakes...DO NOT DO IT!!!
This has NOTHING to do with
This has NOTHING to do with being a "kid" person or not. I love kids...have two and am "auntie" to many others. It has to do with a man pawning his responsibility off on his GF. Plain and simple. She may love kids...but to go from NO kids to watching two children all day because your asshat BF neglected to try and find other arrangements is not cool. It is him taking advantage of her. And taking care of kids who aren't your own is tough!
My SS's were monsters...I didn't want to watch them everyday. BM and DH felt it was my DUTY to watch them while I tried to work as well. I work from home.
HELL NO!!! I do my part and watch them on weekends DH works but that is because we are MARRIED and we compromised on that fact. I don't think she is out of line for being upset at all. He was inconsiderate and a jerk for just taking her for granted.
If she caves in and puts up with this behavior now, he will just push it even more next time.
Being a "kid" person has nothing at all to do with it.
^^^^^THIS^^^^
^^^^^THIS^^^^
Nope, you are not being
Nope, you are not being selfish and inconsiderate, your BF is being an ass.
Those kids are his responsibility and just like it's up to him to make sure his shift at work is covered, it is up to him to figure something out regarding his kids. Whether he finds somebody besides you to babysit or they stay with the BMs until he has time for them.
If he did not have a GF, what would he do?
You gave him an out by not flat out saying no. You trusted that he would TRY to find an alternative before putting the burden on you but you see that he didn't try at all. He never intended to.
So, now he's mad and calling you names because you don't want to be his free nanny. Stand your ground or this will repeat, repeat, and repeat.
I've been with my DH for 19 years, since his daughter was 5 years old and I have watched her for a total of about 4 hours (2 of which, she was sleeping). He did not push his parenting responsibilities onto me, ever.
Aimzee, my dh has 2 kids.
Aimzee, my dh has 2 kids. They were 10 and 12 when we met. Not once in our 3 1/2 years together (2 1/2 married) has he expected me to babysit, cook, entertain or otherwise be responsible for his children. If I offer to do something, he asks 38 times "are you sure?" Sometimes I have to insist he not call bm or take the day off work, I really am happy to do it.
You have a guy doing the opposite. You have a bf who is pushing his kids onto you without making much effort himself. In some cases he's manipulating the situation to where you are the only one left in the hot seat.
No. Just no. This does not bode well for the future. Set your boundaries now. If he responds poorly, bail because his primary need is for a nanny, not a loving partner.
I guess my concern here is
I guess my concern here is that he didn't try to find alternative arrangements prior to asking you to keep his kids. Maybe he doesn't realize how big of a deal it is to you. People can be really stupid at times, especially when it comes to their kids. Bottom line is that it is not your responsibility to watch his kids. That is up to him, and their moms. You can decide if you will do it "this time only" and mean it, or just tell him flat out no. The way he responds will determine the course of the relationship.
What's the going rate for
What's the going rate for babysitters in your area? Tell your BF that you'll do it but that he needs to pay you for the time that you are sacrificing from your weekend. And get the cash upfront since he seems to be good at backing out of a deal.
Did he himself not know he
Did he himself not know he had kids going into this job and this relationship? What would he do if OP broke up with him this minute, who would watch the kids on Saturday?
Sorry, my dh always has his bases covered with his own kids. He's a parent. It's what parents do.
This ^^^ Perfect response.
This ^^^ Perfect response. Parents are SUPPOSED to have childcare. That's part of being a parent and employee at the same time.
No, don't do it. I made the
No, don't do it. I made the mistake of willingly offering to pick up my Skids from school every other Friday on my day off. Now it's not only EXPECTED I'm the go to person for the teachers and principle because I'm the only "parent" they see and many of them think I'm the bio mom.
This will become a mandatory part of your relationship. Don't do it.
If you are uncomfortable, say
If you are uncomfortable, say no. If so makes a big thing about it, then there are a lot of issues you two need to work through.
If you aren't comfortable
If you aren't comfortable with it... then don't do it. He definitely shouldn't expect you to!
My SO and I have the kids EOW, this weekend for instance - he has a side job. His mom usually babysits, but she's out of town. My best friend is moving away and this is her last weekend, so I told him to please find other arrangements for the kids, b/c I wouldn't be doing it - I want to spend time with my best friend before she leaves! He of course completely understands, and I'll only have the kids for about an hour or two the whole weekend while he's working.
I go well above and beyond doing things for the kids, but that's MY choice. If I don't want to, he never expects anything - b/c well, they aren't my responsibility.
2 kids by 2 different women
2 kids by 2 different women that he sees 4 days a month and he's trying to push them onto you? Run like the wind...
Yup.
Yup.
Well said.
Well said.
I'm with everyone else, you
I'm with everyone else, you need to really rethink this relationship. I promise you things will not get better unless you put down some boundaries right now to what you want and how you feel, even then it may not work. If he is telling you you are selfish and immature now then I don't think the future will be good.
Do NOT listen to anyone
Do NOT listen to anyone saying "you knew he had kids" or people trying to make you feel as if this is an obligation. Babysitting for him is NOT an obligation! You are his girlfriend - not even his fiance or wife. He needs to get a babysitter. Those kids are HIS - that means HE made the choice (or him and the BM) and HE needs to be responsible for it. Part of having kids is having a babysitter/childcare when you work. Tell him that. What would he do without you there? He needs to do exactly that.
Trust me... I went through this for the past year. My fiance and I moved in together almost a year and a half ago. I made the mistake of saying "sure, I'll watch her tonight while you go to work" after we moved in and for days after that, he just up and left without me. Then it turned into the guilt tripping: "You should want to spend time with her! She should be treated like your own daughter!"
No no no. You have your own obligations and schedule. DON'T DO IT. It took me TONS of fights and threatening to leave - going as far as leaving and staying at my parents house for 3 days then coming home and ignoring them both (So he couldn't go to work until he found childcare) - to get out of the free babysitter trap. We now have a much healthier relationship as he realized how much he overloaded me and pushed his daughter on me. His daughter and I also have a much better relationship because it's not being forced.
In fact, I'm spending the day with her tomorrow when he goes out
This is because I haven't been made to do anything for her/with her in over 3 weeks... Now I don't resent her, I enjoy her! Tell him it's healthier to stop forcing it, and if he ever wants you two to get along, he MUST leave it alone.
I had the same situation but
I had the same situation but I was married. And he expected me to have his boys for 14 days straight. Outright said it would be on me to have them.
Notice I said "was married". He started foisting them off on me when we were dating. He started plotting within a year of us being married to take them from their mother. None of it was necessary but he did it anyways.
I divorced him because of crap like you're describing. He has them 4 days but you're ALREADY fighting over it. You don't even LIVE with him. Your gut is telling you this is messed up. Listen to it and make sure this is what you want to deal with for the rest of your life.
For the record. My former step son is 18. He admitted to purposefully hurting me as "punishment" and working with his mother to force me to do what they wanted. His father allowed it. And blamed me for all the issues. All I did was stand up for myself. Period.
Think long and hard. And do not keep those kids.