Advice Needed Please - Is It Just Me, Or Is There Something Very Wrong Here?
Hello everyone....I am in desperate need of advice.
I have been with my partner for a few years now. I have a daughter that is 14 and is very comfortable with the blended family. He has 2 x adult children in their late twenties (28) and (29) who dont live with us and who are apparently not so comfortable.
We have had one dinner sometime ago when we all finally met. It went very well, everyone had a lot of laughs and got on very well. I have had a few additional meals out together with my partner and one of his children (I shall refer to as daughter 2) who has now relocated to another state. Daughter 2 visits interstate around once every 2 - 3 weeks. My partner generally has a meal with daughter 2 when she visits and sadly im not included or invited.
My partner also goes to lunch every Sunday with his other daughter (daughter 1) and generally a cafe afterwards and is gone for virtually half the day, every week. He also goes to lunch generally on a Wednesday with the same daughter. Again, sadly I am not invited to attend and I feel very much like an outer in this situation. My 14 year old daughter has also asked why she cannot spend anytime with his daughters. When I have raised the question, why cannot we all go, he simply says...she is too intelligent, she is completing her Masters Degree and cannot make small talk and he doesnt want to make her feel uncomfortable with me attending. Apparently daughter 1 has no friends of her own or friends that she can relate to. He says that they didnt choose the blended family and he fails to see why it is ok to force it onto them. He says he has broached the subject with his daughters about me attending, however it gets brushed off and the subject changed. Im honestly not convinced it is even the girls, but perhaps more him, not wanting to share his time with his daughters for whatever reason. I cannot understand how he would not be happy to have us all spending at least a small amount of time together.
I also have a 29 year old son who lives with his wife and whenever there is a get together or special occasion, I always invite my partner. Personally it wouldn't feel right attending without him and I guess it simply makes me happy and whole when we are all together. I also think my son would think it strange and rude if I continually went on my own without my partner.
His ex-wife is remarried and he says the girls are not very family orientated with them either.
I cannot understand why he cannot see how much he is damaging our relationship and hurting me, or if he simply doesnt care. He says it is now up to his daughters to cross the road to me...I don’t believe staying home alone every Sunday makes for a healthy partnership, I have even suggested that we all go once a month and he goes alone the other 3 Sunday’s and attends the midweek lunches alone with her.
Has anyone experienced this problem or could anyone please offer advice about how I can help this problem along. I have tried to be understanding but my patience is running out. Is it right that I’m excluded?
He is adamant he is so right and I am adamant he is so wrong....A very interesting predicament!
Thank you in advance.
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Comments
It’s not your SD
It’s your DH. He is the one that making this happen. He is the one not standing up for you and your DD.
So don't stay home alone
So don't stay home alone every Sunday. You and DD should find something fun to do or invite someone you want to know better out to lunch. Make it a mommy/daughter brunch date every Sunday and make sure to stay out later than DH so he knows what it feels like being home alone. These men get their kicks off of knowing they can do whatever they want while their wives wait pining for them at home. Do not give him that satisfaction!
Early in our marriage DH went to a first family event, BM's fathers milestone birthday and I got left at home. I sent DH off on his merry way with no protest at all. I mean who am I to tell him who he can hang out with. But the street goes 2 ways. Guess who didn't answer his calls all day, left the house and got home later than him that night. Poor baby was so worried and blew up my phone after he got home. DH knows he is free to do whatever and so am I. There will be no pining if he decides to run off and ditch me. I've never said a word about it to him but let my actions speak for themselves.
Thank you Still Learning
Thank you so much for your reply,
I think the bit im stuck on the most is that he can without conscience go out and not invite me to attend at least occasionally on a Sunday. I just find it terribly rude and think he is a bit of an ass-holeeee really!
I will take your advice...although, my daughter is generally off doing things with her friends on the weekends and it is important that she build a friend network for herself. I have very few friends down here as I relocated a few hours away from my hometown to be with him, which makes it worse I guess.
I do have a few people I have met though, albeit mostly male and gay and im sure that will cause a few problems... but hey, I guess like you said, he cannot really tell me I cannot go out when he is doing that exact thing. I guess, I just feel as though this wont assist my dilemma longterm, Im sure it would make me personally feel better though. So, I will take your suggestion very seriously and thank you again for taking the time to reply, truly appreciated.
Kindest regards,
Oh, do go out with your gay
Oh, do go out with your gay male friends. And exclude DH. And when he gets upset, tell him they are getting their Ph D and are much too smart to be around the likes of him, er, I mean make small talk.
Yes, that comment rubbed me
Yes, that comment rubbed me the wrong way too, as much as OP being left out. That shows he thinks he and his family is better than OP in addition to not caring about her feelings by being excluded.
Whenever we move (military so
Whenever we move (military so often) I always look at meetup.com. There are so many groups of people that fit your interests. Whatever they are!!
I know people in everything from Quilting groups, to Surfing groups, to Movie watcher groups, Mommy groups, Wine taster groups, etc! It is a great way to meet people and it isn't about anything other than finding people that have similar interest!
I agree with the get out and do your own thing if he is insistant on not including you.
The Wednesday thing is no
The Wednesday thing is no biggie. The Sunday thing - oh hell no. It's your weekend, too. A reasonable compromise is ONCE A MONTH Sunday.
Thank you Elkclan
Thank you so much for your reply.
Im begining to feel like I am going out of my mind...He thinks he is just so right and I am just so wrong. I thought it would be helpful for myself to get some feedback and other peoples opinions, so I can get my head around all of this before it destroys us.
So thank you once again, very helpful.
Kindest regards,
Let me put it this way...
Even in an intact family, no 29 yo needs to spend half a day every week with her daddy, let alone have two meal dates per week with him. Doesn't she have a life of her own? Friends? A boyfriend? A girlfriend? If not, why not?
What 29 year old wants to
What 29 year old wants to spend all day Sunday with her father? Yuck. It’s emotional incest.
...says...she is too
Too intelligent. No small talk. What are DH and D1 discussing? Nuclear physics? Proust? Global warming? Is he her thesis advisor?
Here's the actual problem. Not just with D1, but with D2 also. It's a DH problem because I can guarantee that when the daughters get a serious boyfriend the dinners will end or the boyfriend will be at the dinner. Why would the daughters ever want to cross the road when Daddy is telling them not to, that he likes keeping separate lives?
That's not to say that DH can't see them alone, but the twice a week alone dinners are ridiculous. And just as ridiculous is never seeing D1 when she is in town. I'd be out of the house when he came home. I'd leave just before he came home and stay out for a while. (plans with a friend, reading a book at Starbucks, power walking at the Mall, etc) Find something to do and don't answer your phone unless the caller ID is your DD or the local hospital.
Wrong. Wrong Wrong
He is wrong. Wonder why they think they are so special? Maybe you should crash the party and just show up to wherever they are on one of their “dates”, be all happy and lovey dovey...Sorry, I think your DH is wrong
Masters degrees have zero to do with small talk
Im sure more than one of us has an advanced degree, and it hasn’t taken away our ability to make small talk and enjoy getting to know others.
Most things in life depend on the ability to make small talk and get along with others. No workplace is more full of politics - and the need to use small talk to network - than a college campus.
What your DH has is a problem with rudeness, which takes nothing but the will to be so. That seems to be a family trait shared with your DH and his daughters.
Ansolutely get to know your gay friends better! It’s a great way to get into a network of people - gay and straight - who tend towards being open and accepting of others. It sounds like you should get to know more folks like that.
Unless that Masters is in
Unless that Masters is in rocket science, you have to as dumb as box of rocks to struggle with it in any field.
A Masters is merely taking already known knowledge and defending your synthesised thesis.
A committed Masters student can do it in one year, two tops for the average person.
I have never heard of doing Master's and not having time for small talk.
I literally spend my work day around dozens of people who are doing advanced degrees and thousands who already have them....
Oh, please. One of my
Oh, please. One of my brothers is a genius. And I don't mean he comes across as reeeeally smart. He is literally a genius with an IQ of 165. He has three Masters Degrees. That's right. THREE. Guess what? He makes small talk with his non-genius siblings, non-genius kids, non-genius friends, non-genius coworkers... every day of the week.
IMO, the SDs do not want to know you. Obviously, they take after their father. These girls are NOTHING to you. Sure, they are your husband's daughters, but they are no relation to you and they are strangers. Not your friends. Not your coworkers. Say it: They are NOTHING to me. Do you care about the opinion of strangers? Do you hurt because a stranger loses a fingernail, a job, a loved one? NO. Do yourself a favor and stop caring about these strangers who just happen to be the offspring of your insensitive husband.
As suggested, make Sundays fundays with YOUR daughter. Take cooking or yoga or craft or dance classes. Arrange for your daughter to do things with her friends while YOU do something with your friends. Drop her off, go do your thing, pick her up, and maybe go have dinner together. But definitely make it a habit to return long after your 'D'H does.
^^^This^^^
And start being busy on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays with people who aren't interested in meeting your H. Who, by the way, is a bigger problem than you realize.
Gander, meet goose.
Yep. My DH has two bachelors,
Yep. My DH has two bachelors, a masters, and a PhD. He makes so much small talk that I want to just scream sometimes. Books, travel, politics, food, music, fashion, family, weather, job.
Your DH is rude and ridiculous and is actively excluding you. Why is it that HE gets to decide the weekend agenda?
As others have suggested, do not sit home waiting for him. In fact, find so many friends and activities that you are gone on Saturdays and other days of the week now and then too. Maybe he could spend time chasing you instead of chasing his children.
I don't think it's wrong that
I don't think it's wrong that he has lunch with his adult daughter without you. Parents can and should spend time alone with their kids. What is wrong is that he has spends half a day every single weekend with his adult daughter and deliberately excludes you, after you've asked to be included and let him know that it bothers you. That is not what a caring partner would do.
I'm assuming you all work and weekends are your free times. For him to spend so much of his free time away when it bothers you is inconsiderate, especially when you've moved away from your friends/support network to be with him. Since you referred to him as a partner, I'm assuming he's not a spouse. How's the rest of the relationship? Is he so wonderful that it's worth being with him even though he prioritizes his daughter over you and your feelings? It's unlikely that's going to get better. You'll never be a family - you're going to be an outsider where he and his daughters are concerned. If you can live with that and he's worth it, then do as others have suggested and find things to do without him during those extended lunches. If not, well, it's time to formulate an exit plan, because it's very unlikely this will change.
"WHOAAAAAA".........
"WHOAAAAAA".........
<<<...screeeeechhh....brakes....>>>
"She is too intelligent, she is completing her Masters Degree and cannot make small talk and he doesnt want to make her feel uncomfortable with me attending."
STOP. This is an absolutely ridiculous, "dig" of a statement. Please memorize this: gaslighting is a deliberate manipulation to make you believe his position is valid and make you doubt your own perception that something is very wrong. This passive-aggressive insult implies that your IQ is not up to par to associate with princess Einstein. Exactly how big of a bs shovel does your SO carry? Hit him with it.
If you are considering making SO a life partner, think hard about his behavior NOW. His words and actions are those of a man who clearly does not care about your needs or feelings. You are absolutely right to trust your feelings/intuition that you are being played.
From what you've written, it sounds like SO's blind loyalties are to his daughters. At some point soon, you will need to confront him on his behavior and demand change.
There is plenty of background on this site on this particular situation. Arm yourself with knowledge. SO is going to have to choose - know that. I think you already feel the inklings of how destructive this situation is. If there's no possibility of change...LOVE YOURSELF FIRST and do not allow emotional abuse to continue.
Thank you Healyourself
Thank you Healyourself for your reply and also to everyone else that has replied and suggested that I go out on Sundays in retaliation. You are correct, I’m not looking to revenge him, that may make me feel better in the short term and unfortunately I have the due diligence and maturity (and intelligence) lol, to see that would only damage our relationship further.
He is a man in his late 60's, I am 48, so there is a twenty year gap, however I certainly do feel more emotionally mature than him. His friends are delighted we are together and have sung my praises to him over the last few years…She is a keeper etc. Not that I need their approval, however, I had hoped that feedback from his friends would have helped him open his eyes to what is in front of him. I also worry about the lessons his behaviour is teaching my daughter and his. I cannot imagine him being happy if it were another man treating any of the girls in the same way, if they were in my position.
I have never accessed a forum site for opinion or help before, so I realize the depth of my personal struggle with this issue and reaching out for help to try and understand where his thoughts are coming from. We are looking at attending a relationship counselor, I’m hoping this will help him see things from my side.
I obviously love this man very deeply and am amazed that I allow him to treat me in this area so poorly. If I could get my heart to see the sense my head does, sadly, Im not sure we would still be together. That is also part of my struggle, he is so adamant that he is so right and I am so wrong and when I have tried to tell him I am not the only one who thinks this way, he has suggested that I stop lying…I personally detest lying, it is something that I simply do not do!
I really appreciated your reply, it is both confronting and clarifying, thank you for taking the time.
Kindest regards,
Are you positive it is his
Are you positive it is his daughter he is meeting with 2x per week?
Thank you ItsGrowingOld
Amusing.... but yes, Im sure it is his daughter.
she is too intelligent, she
she is too intelligent, she is completing her Masters Degree and cannot make small talk and he doesnt want to make her feel uncomfortable with me attending.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ This comment right here really did it for me. I don't know what would have stopped me from telling him that when he goes out for his Sunday brunch to never return because he is insulting your intelligence. Your H has allowed this exclusion and distance with his kids, not you and now you have to sit home while he's out with his precious daughters EVERY week?
This is not good and you can't build a strong marriage with him undermining you. I'd suggest you having a serious talk with him because this is unacceptable.
Your story reminds me of a
Your story reminds me of a poster we used to have here called enuf. You should look up her blog/forum posts.
enuf was married for decades to a highly educated man who was deeply enmeshed with his forty-something son (I remember a post about the son calling over and over and over and the father would berate enuf when she would ask him to ask his son to not call so much/so frequently). Any time she asked for boundaries, she was gaslit and told she was the crazy one. Her husband controlled her financially and emotionally. His education was in mental health, but he was a severe narcissist. Anyway, check out her posts and you'll see a tale of enmeshment.
Stop being "the other woman"
As a woman who is married to a man who is married to his son, unless you can be #1 - get out of there a.s.a.p! I don't want anyone to be in the same position that I am - the "other woman" in my own marriage. Find someone who loves and adores you and doesn't marginalize and put you down. You deserve better. Continue reading on this site. You'll discover that emotional incest with step children is a common problem. You need to stand your ground and to set boundaries. Otherwise, this treatment will continue to erode your self esteem and cause resentment. Also - what kind of example are you setting for your daughter? Don't give any permission to walk all over you!
Should you decide to stay with him and are able to work things out, another thing to think about is the age difference. Although it may not matter now, down the road it will. If/when he gets older and you haven't asserted yourself ,SD1 & 2 will take over and push you aside. Make sure that you have a power of attorney, and all other necessary documents to act as his spokesperson. CAREFULLY discuss finances with him so there are no surprises down the road. I don't know you or your situation, but the SD's may see you as a threat.
Good luck!