You are here

Not invited to Step Daughter's Graduation

suckerforpunishment's picture

Good day! My SO of 2 years will be attending his daughter's high school graduation with his Ex wife and his Ex Father In Law next week. Each graduate could only invite three people. His Ex doesn't have a partner and his daughter is very close to his grandfather (her only living grandparent on either side) so I understand that I cannot attend. I know my feelings are petty but I still have issues with SO attending events with his Ex wife when I am not invited or welcome to be there. I was cheated on in my previous marriage of 18 years so I realize I have residual trust issues which I am still actively working on. He doesn't have any feelings towards her but I know she would love to get back together if given even the slightest opportunity since he was the one who left her. My SO and I don't have any kids together because we are in our 40's and the fact that he shares children with his Ex sometimes makes me feel inferior to her and insecure. I do have 5 kids of my own from my previous relationship. In all honesty, did/do you ever have these feelings towards your partner's Ex and if so how do/did you get over them? I'm a work in progress and trying to process and deal with these feelings. Thanks for your help!

pinkb's picture

I don't think you have a thing to worry about. I agree with stepmeanie... grab a girlfriend (or a daughter if you have one) and go to the spa. Make it an overnight treat. Go the day of graduation and come back the next. Unless, you are really close to SD at which point it might make sense to do something before or after. Or, another alternative if you are close is to make a "date" with her the weekend before or after to go to the spa or tea or a lunch just the two of you.

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

Pink

Vw_stepmom's picture

Had to deal with this three years ago with oldest SD. They were allotted 6 tickets and I chose to sit that one out so the grandparents could go. Afterwards I met them for dinner. Today is youngest SD's graduation and I'm going to this one. Again she only got 6 tickets, but the school did give out extras, well you had to buy them. We bought an extra and SD got two extra from friends. I'm closer to this SD so I really wanted to go. There's no way in hell my DH would go with the ex, but three years ago they did meet up with SD at the end and take pictures. Why does your SO have to go with the ex? Now for my son's graduation I saved my ex a seat because we're on good terms. I guess it just depends on the situation.

hereiam's picture

He is not actually attending WITH his ex, is he? Do they have to sit together? Are they all going out together afterwards?

Him going to the graduation and the ex going to the graduation, is different than going "with" the ex.

Teas83's picture

I don't think I'll ever actually be "invited" to anything for SD. My husband finds out about Christmas plays and things like that but he never goes because BM, her husband and her mom are so hostile, plus we're 1.5 hours away.

Maybe you've got a better relationship with your skids than I do, but I wouldn't be all that hurt by not being invited to a graduation. I guess I can see how it would bother you to know your husband will be spending the day with his ex wife, but I hope your marriage is secure enough that you know there's nothing to be worried about. If he's told you that he has no feelings for BM I would think he's being truthful.

suckerforpunishment's picture

Thanks for your input. My SO and his Ex are civil and coparent well as do I with my Ex. My boundaries for this situation are
1. the Father In Law sits between them
2. they drive separate (he would have wanted to anyway)
3. I attend any dinner/parties afterwards.

In some ways, I wish they hated each other and preferred to sit alone. The reality is that they are on "friendly/civil" terms with each other and want to make this a positive experience for their daughter who would feel badly if they sat separately.

Kinder1's picture

You have good boundaries set up with the driving but sitting with someone in between is silly--really?. I know what you mean about the insecure feelings. It is in your mind. He married you and divorced her.

43952's picture

Seems like this is more you being worried about what may go on between them while you're not there than the kids graduation. He did not want her. Period. Let this be about the child's graduation so she can have good memories of it. Yes, it sucks, but sometimes you have to take a back seat to things. Maybe you can set up a dinner or lunch with you and your SO and stepdaughter to celebrate, or throw a party together. We did that, and it worked out nicely. The child had every aspect of their family together for a special event in their life. I put together the party at our house, we got together with grandparents on guest list, divvied up food, and I even bought a corsage for the bio mom which I gave her right before the party, because she is the mom. I'm not saying I didn't want to put xlax in her coffee, and I enjoyed the thought, but thought I'd save it for another time. Smile

notasm3's picture

I do not think it is about being insecure. I think it's about wanting to define strict boundaries.

My DH and BM have been divorced for decades. I KNOW that he has no interest in her fat ass self. There is absolutely no way that he would ever want her. But I still personally do not want DH and BM having any intimate "family" times together. Fortunately for me neither does BM's current DH.

When a relationship is over it is DONE. It's stupid to have any "fake" let's all love each other shit.

Hennypenny's picture

But DH, BM, and the grandfather are SD's family, and graduation is a family time. It's nice that this DH and BM are on civil terms and are able to celebrate SD's accomplishments as her parents. Not saying I wouldn't feel jealous that BM shares something special with DH that I never will, but I wouldn't let my insecurities interfere with graduation day plans.

Kinder1's picture

With all due respect to 43952 I did exactly what you are suggesting even respecting the BM for about 7 years. When the BM got it in her bonnet that the kids were adults and getting partners she pulled the rug out from under me and DH and did undermining things to get the Skids to detach from me in particular. I am glad if it worked out for you but I don't recommend this level of engagement to Stepmoms. I set myself up for real heartbreak and almost had a breakdown, no joke. BM is fragile and can suddenly change courses. My 2 cents: Keep boundaries from BM. PS: The kids don't really appreciate this kind of contact and in fact i think they resented it ant felt it was weird. I got nothing for my efforts except heartache and DH was devastated too.