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Help :(

adr's picture

I am so frustrated I don't know what to do Sad I recently separated from my husband (2.5 years) , we share two children together, a 17 year old daughter and an 11 year old son. Neither have ever given us any grieve or problems. We've been blessed with amazing, respectful, good children.
My boyfriend & I have been together 2 years now... He has 4 children... 16 year old daughter, 14 year old son, 13 year old son & 3 year old daughter. The boys live with him full time.
He lies my concern. His 14 year old smokes pot daily, drinks, goes 'car hopping' (stealing from people vehicles).. He has little to no rules... Basically is allowed out whenever and wherever he wants. Has already been in trouble with the police once. My partner & I fight often about parenting. We obviously differ greatly.
He is afraid if he pushes his son will run away to live with his mother.
This is what happened with his oldest daughter.... When I was first around she was doing the same things... He finally put his foot down and said play by my rules or get out... She left. Tonight we argue.. After watching his son and 2 of his friends walk out the front doors... Backpacks in toe at 10:45 pm... He says don't make me choose between you or my kids.
We are supposed to be moving in together in 6 weeks... I can't handle this... I don't think I can live like this...
Do I walk away from the man I love? Sad

So sad & frustrated Sad


WTF...REALLY's picture


You walk away from the man you love because you love your kids and yourself more.

Glassslipper's picture

Is this the behavior you want your bios learning is "normal", that they can act like SS and it's allowed/tolerable?
Protect your kids from that behavior!

notsurehowtodeal's picture

The obvious and simple answer is yes - walk away now. If you won't do that, then at least put off moving in together.

If I have the time line right, you left your husband 2.5 years ago. Within 6 months of leaving you had a boyfriend. Judging by the age of your oldest it looks like your marriage was long term. Is your divorce final yet?

You need some time without a man to figure out what is important in your life. What do you really want - what do you need? I'm guessing that you don't need a 14 year old who is a criminal. (His brother is probably on the same path.)

I can't understand why your boyfriend knowingly lets his son break the law. Stealing hurts other people. I can't believe your boyfriend let a 14 year old out of the house at 10:45, let alone with friends and a presumably empty backpack!

Is the kid smoking pot at home? That not only hurts his health but sets a bad example for the other kids in the home.

This is a messed up situation that is only going to get worse.

adr's picture

No, he isn't smoking it at home. But has admitted to it. We have him seeing a councillor. He's also been very depressed & has talked of suicide.
His dad is afraid, he says, of what will happen if he tries to stop it. I was thrown off guard about the stealing... This just actually came to light tonight.... Not proud to say it was through some snooping on my part.
He's a smart kid and I know he has a good heart... I want to help him... I just don't know how.
My kids do come first though & I will leave if I have to.

nunya1983's picture

Leave, you have kids that you don't want hurt by all of this insanity. There are plenty of good guys out there. Just because you have kids doesn't mean you have to be with someone who has kids. Your oldest one will be leaving soon. Take your time alone (don't date right now) to figure out who you are. I dated right after my first marriage... but turned out to be a mistake. I took a long hiatus from dating, to find out who I was. I didn't date again for quite a few years. I learned to love myself and my children in a whole new light. I was able to focus all my energy on me and my job and my kids. They loved it. We had so much fun.

Sparklelady's picture

You should leave. This isn't a great relationship and we can promise you that if it is uncomfortable now and you don't live together, it WILL ONLY GET WORSE.

Believe you deserve better, whatever has happened in your relationships, you need to love yourself first before you can find the person who is truly worthy of you. And honestly? Don't drag your kids into this kind of situation if you have a choice. You're lucky, because you do have a choice. Many of us didn't get to see this side of their skids and DH's until years into our marriages. You don't live together yet? Do us all a favour and never cross that line.

Sparklelady's picture

I know this probably completely sucks for you to hear so many say "go!", but keep in mind, many of us have loving, supporting spouses who agree with us on parenting and don't fight with us on these issues, and step life is STILL hell. You're at a distinct disadvantage that you don't even have that on your side. But you do have the opportunity to see what lay ahead, and that's a gift, even if it doesn't feel that way now. Hugs.

adr's picture

I think I need to be a bit clearer...
While our parenting styles do differ to a degree... My partner does not like/condone the actions and behaviours of his son.
He has been a single dad for a long time, raising his boys alone.
He's scared & frustrated. He is seeking professional advice (his sons counsellor) to try to get some help dealing with him.
How do you stop a teen from hanging out with 'the wrong crowd'... From smoking pot...
It's impossible to follow our kids around 24/7..
So while I do appreciate the advice to run ...
Does anyone have any advice/experience they can share when it comes to trying to deal with these issues?

dood's picture

The bottom line is, that he is Not being a good parent... or a parent at all.

While our parenting styles do differ to a degree... My partner does not like/condone the actions and behaviours of his son.
Yeah, okay, but he doesn't do anything to stop it either...
He has been a single dad for a long time, raising his boys alone
And turning a blind eye for lord knows how many years...
He's scared & frustrated. He is seeking professional advice (his sons counsellor) to try to get some help dealing with him.
And you are, what? Secure and happy?
How do you stop a teen from hanging out with 'the wrong crowd'... From smoking pot...
Well, for starters, don't allow him to go out at 10:45 at night...
It's impossible to follow our kids around 24/7..
He's not "our kids" he's HIS Kid, and it's HIS responsibility to PARENT - If he had been PARENTING he wouldn't have a kid that needed to be followed around 24/7

And if he actually grows a pair and sets this situation straight with this kid "He's afraid he'll lose him back to BM". If I had a dime for every post that someone's DH said this, I could retire. And, if your SO finally slams down the gauntlet and begins to rectify the situation, he's right. DS Could Very Well run back to BM... or not... either way he needs to step up and do what's right, and let THOSE chips fall where they may. Certainly THESE chips are not working.

And, like the others, I think you should run... and maybe, just maybe, this will be the kick in the ass this man needs.

Do the same shit every day, and every day you will have the same shit.

nunya1983's picture

If he is actively seeking help, that's a good sign for a start. I still think you need to leave. Once he gets this all under control then you can come back. While he is working on his son, he doesn't need distractions. He needs to make his son's issues #1.

lawyergirl06's picture

Boundaries, this kid needs them, but that isn't, unfortunately, your place. And when SO is saying don't make me choose between you and my kids, he already has. He's making it clear that, even if you are on the same page in theory, he can't be there in practice. Even though it hurts, it may be the best thing for SO for you to step out for a time too so he can put his house in order. It's hard enough dealing with a rebellious kid when your home life is idyllic. As someone who has worked with wayward your for years, the "wrong crowd" is a myth. At 14 he's old enough to be able to make morally driven decisions and he is making all the wrong ones so it's not his friends it's his choice. Moving in together at this point would be a mistake both emotionally and potentially financially (if skid gets caught stealing and you two end up paying restitution it adds up quick, not to mention if HHS gets involved or your own husband decides to go back to court for different custody arrangements). You are not at a point where you can disengage and while you want to help this kid he doesn't want YOUR help he needs his dad's. Even if you stay in a relationship with this man stay the hell out of living with him for a while. This kid needs his normalcy too and if this is bad now with you two just dating it is going to get worse when you move in. Tell SO to get his house in order before you can make it yours as well

Disneyfan's picture

If you want to move in with this guy, go for it. But give your exhusband the kids full time,pay child support and agree to only have visitation with them outside of your new home.

adr's picture

I would never choose my partner over my children.
It would never come to that. I would walk away in a heartbeat.

Disneyfan's picture

Then you already know what you should do. The environment you descibed isn't a place to have an impressionable preteen.

What is best for your children has to come before your love for any man.

ChiefGrownup's picture

What would be so terrible about the boy going to his mother's? If dad doesn't supervise him, what's the difference if BM doesn't supervise him either? Why does your dh want to keep him from his mother? Maybe he has good reasons, but he's kidding himself if he thinks he is providing a stellar home himself.

Now about you:

There are 2 possible responses to "don't make me choose."

1. Blank stare. Reach for keys. "Just going out for some boxes, I can't live like this. Enjoy your kids. Bye."


2. "SO, I don't understand your statement even a little bit. If you thought I was the kind of person who didn't have your children's best interest at heart, why on earth would you date me at all? And if you think I'm in some kind of competition with a 14 year old boy, I can't imagine what it would be. A game of Uno maybe? How am I in competition with him otherwise?"

furkidsforme's picture

Easy enough to decide- it's a yes or no questions. Answer this:

Do you want your son growing up with the example that this is how a man should treat a partner in a relationship, and do you want your daughter growing up to choose a partner who will treat her the way she is witnessing now?

If the answer is yes, then by all means stay and get some counseling and get your boyfriend some parenting classes. If the answer is NO, then get the hell out and let Disney Daddy enjoy his juvenile delinquent.