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Completely Lost

Aanallein's picture

I am looking for help, I have nobody to turn to, I am alone really as I don't have any close friends and estranged from my family for 20 years and over 500 miles from them.  I have a beautiful wife, we have been together for 20 years and as far as I was aware we were ok.  We have a special bond that I was 100% sure was soild as rock.  SD29 and SS26 both have left home years ago have never really liked me.  Their BD is an abusive man and still seems in their lives somehow.  I have always done everything for the skids, in the moments of need I have been there, I have always provided and good life and anything they have wanted (yes they were spoiled i guess).  SS and SD both have issues and last xmas I thought all was good for once, SS had a Santa gift of some sweets and I mentioned that they would keep him going due tot he sugar content....he went off on one about sugar being bad for you whilst downing a can of energy drink !!..I snorted...that was it...he didn't speak to anybody all day and gave me a gobful the next morning....demaneding to go back to his digs.....Since then my wfie has been going to see them in their respective locations, June she saw SD and came back in a bad mood about my attitude to the skids !! I didn't listen to them, I sighed at them for 20 years...then in August she went to see SS and pretty much the same thing....on Thursday just gone a late night chat revealed that she has been given an Ultimatium it is me or them.....this has been a long weekend as it looks like I am being hung out to dry...

Thing is I love my Wife, more than a man should I guess.  I worship her, she is amazing, I even love the skids...I am just not perfect.  Thanks for listening.


Winterglow's picture

What in the world makes your skids think it is even remotely their business to micromanage their mother's life?! How DARE they issue such an ultimatum?! They don't even live there, probably hardly ever see you, yet think fit to tell their mother to get rid of you?! PLEASE tell me she isn't even entertaining the idea and that she shot them down in flames ...

Aanallein's picture

I wish that was the reply she has given, she is trap between a rock and hard place, the main issue that has come to my mind is SS has been sectioned in the past for a suicide attempt, and my fear is this threat has been used to fuel the fire....I am beside myself.

Winterglow's picture

I really don't see how you being out of his mother's home would make him less suicidal... And, FWIW, your wife is not trapped, she is an adult, they are adults, they are free to live their lives as they choose and so can she.  Can you get her to go to counselling with you? Because that is the only thing that is likely to help at this point.

Aanallein's picture

I have mentioned it to her over this very long weekend, I am trying to see it from her point of view, I have always tried to put them first for the last 20 years, don't get me wrong I am not saying I am perfect but I think this is very unfair on me.  In the same breath I see the pinch point she is in, if she doesn't do what they want and he does something stupid she will blame herself and me in proxy.  The Skids have always tried to get between us, never accepted me as a father figure.  I know they were all damaged by the abusive BD, but I don't even like to raise my voice let alone anything else.  Unfortunately she believes she owes them a result looks like I am being pushed out..

lieutenant_dad's picture

There is no rock and hard place. She has done her job as a mother. Her kids are grown and living on their own. Just as she has ZERO say in who they marry, they have ZERO say in who she marries. Actually, bring that point up to her. Ask her how much say she feels she should have in their life, and if she would offer such an ultimatum. Hopefully her answer is she wouldn't and she sees how stupid it all is.

I'm sure the kids are laying on the guilt thick, and they are twisting Mom into a pretzel. You need to ask your DW what exactly they, and she, will gain from you two splitting. Do they expect more cash? Less awkward holidays? More time with Mom? What do they get, if anything? My guess is that they have put out a lot of threats, but really, the end result wouldn't be much change - other than your wife going through life as an eternal single mother.

Take the bull by the horns and issue your own ultimatum:

"DW, I have given all of myself to you, and the kids, for 20 years. Nevet once have they been unwelcome in our home. Never once have I intentionally made them feel less than. I have always, ALWAYS, given my share to raise them. Yet the thanks I get for this is them ousting me and you considering it? Was I just a tool to help you raise your children? Did I really just waste 20 years of my life helping you only to be thrown away when all the hard work is done? If you are through with me, then we'll divorce. However, if you are doing this to appease your children, then know that they will say the same thing about your next husband. And the husband after that. I'm physically ill thinking that I may have just wasted 1/4 of my life helping you all reach your goals just to be thrown away. That is unbelievably cruel. So I need you to give me an answer, because I won't waste another week if you truly feel that my services are no longer needed. And if you won't give me an answer in a week's time, then I will give you mine."

You have to be willing to fight, but you also have to be willing to walk away. Your wife has put herself in a place that she doesn't even have to be in. She travels to see the kids on her own. The kids only visit on holidays. It's not like you are always around, and the fact that they want you totally gone not only hurts you, but hurts their mother, too. She ludicrous for even giving this a thought, much less bringing it up to you.

Give her a timeline, and then leave if she doesn't give you an answer. It will hurt like Hades, but you shouldn't waste more time than a week on a family who used you. Don't drag this out while she thinks it over. She knows what her answer is; she just needs the cajones and timeline to make her show her hand.

Good luck to you, and I'm so sorry this is happening.


TrueNorth77's picture

I agree with this, and also: Her kids don't seem to care much about her happiness. Forcing her to leave you- unless there is more to the story? Is she happy, or do you two have a tumultuous relationship skids want her out of? If she is happy and you have a good relationship, they are just being selfish brats- they don't have to love you, they barely even have to see you.

Aanallein's picture

I don't think there is more to the story, I am a kind, gentle and loving man, I don't raise my voice, I have provided for them all for 20 years.  Nothing was too much for me.  They just never accepted me, 

Aanallein's picture

Thank you for being honest.  Thing is at this moment in time I love the bones of her, and will wait untll the end of time for her....I just hope she sees sense and time doesn't erode my love.....or start to replace it. /sigh

beebeel's picture

So you left your home and cut off your family the same year you married this woman? Any connection?

Aanallein's picture

That is correct, my family didn't approve that she had two kids, and didn't approve of my choices (but I never had a great relationship with my parents) I just wanted a fresh start and new life, My Wife and Skids came from an abusive father/husband and I thought I could make a difference.  I think she has been told not it is me or them....SS attempted suicide 3 years ago and I believe this is threat also...she can't take the risk....I feel very alone and lost but at the same time I feel very sorry for her.