What in the world makes your skids think it is even remotely their business to micromanage their mother's life?! How DARE they issue such an ultimatum?! They don't even live there, probably hardly ever see you, yet think fit to tell their mother to get rid of you?! PLEASE tell me she isn't even entertaining the idea and that she shot them down in flames ...

I really don't see how you being out of his mother's home would make him less suicidal... And, FWIW, your wife is not trapped, she is an adult, they are adults, they are free to live their lives as they choose and so can she.  Can you get her to go to counselling with you? Because that is the only thing that is likely to help at this point.

There is no rock and hard place. She has done her job as a mother. Her kids are grown and living on their own. Just as she has ZERO say in who they marry, they have ZERO say in who she marries. Actually, bring that point up to her. Ask her how much say she feels she should have in their life, and if she would offer such an ultimatum. Hopefully her answer is she wouldn't and she sees how stupid it all is.

I'm sure the kids are laying on the guilt thick, and they are twisting Mom into a pretzel. You need to ask your DW what exactly they, and she, will gain from you two splitting. Do they expect more cash? Less awkward holidays? More time with Mom? What do they get, if anything? My guess is that they have put out a lot of threats, but really, the end result wouldn't be much change - other than your wife going through life as an eternal single mother.

Take the bull by the horns and issue your own ultimatum:

"DW, I have given all of myself to you, and the kids, for 20 years. Nevet once have they been unwelcome in our home. Never once have I intentionally made them feel less than. I have always, ALWAYS, given my share to raise them. Yet the thanks I get for this is them ousting me and you considering it? Was I just a tool to help you raise your children? Did I really just waste 20 years of my life helping you only to be thrown away when all the hard work is done? If you are through with me, then we'll divorce. However, if you are doing this to appease your children, then know that they will say the same thing about your next husband. And the husband after that. I'm physically ill thinking that I may have just wasted 1/4 of my life helping you all reach your goals just to be thrown away. That is unbelievably cruel. So I need you to give me an answer, because I won't waste another week if you truly feel that my services are no longer needed. And if you won't give me an answer in a week's time, then I will give you mine."

You have to be willing to fight, but you also have to be willing to walk away. Your wife has put herself in a place that she doesn't even have to be in. She travels to see the kids on her own. The kids only visit on holidays. It's not like you are always around, and the fact that they want you totally gone not only hurts you, but hurts their mother, too. She ludicrous for even giving this a thought, much less bringing it up to you.

Give her a timeline, and then leave if she doesn't give you an answer. It will hurt like Hades, but you shouldn't waste more time than a week on a family who used you. Don't drag this out while she thinks it over. She knows what her answer is; she just needs the cajones and timeline to make her show her hand.

Good luck to you, and I'm so sorry this is happening.

So you left your home and cut off your family the same year you married this woman? Any connection?