What is the spilt in custody/visitation?

What does Dad say when his kids are rude to you?

As a skid, I ignored my dad's wife because she was uninteresting. She didn't DO anything besides blow his money. I had zero interest in her and only tolerated her because I had to in order to visit with my dad. I was never rude, tried conversation but we had nothing in common.

The children MUST be courteous/polite at a minimum. This is your DH's responsibility and I'm sorry that he is not aware of common courtesy.

Why does your DH permit this behavior? Why does he allow his children to treat you less than he expects them to treat a waitress, a doctor, an Uber driver, a doorman. If your DH claims that he has spoken to his children, obviously he has not done a good job of it. Your DH likely was mealy-mouthed, and didn't want to make waves so he fell into the wishful-thinking, no consequences, 'gee, it would be nice if' request trap. There were no clear expectations of behavior with meaning. This is a cut-and-dried situation. Much like potty-training --- you do it or you don't.

Regarding communication. You would be surprised at the sheer number of previous wives, GF's, BM's and such who report completely different conversations than are told to the new SM/GF. "We'll always be a family ..." is a favorite phrase ... "I'm always here for you ..." I've found that the biodads/spouses likely mean it to their previous partners when they say it at the time even if the previous relationship stunk. Later, confronted by their current wives they previcate. (In other words, some of our mates lie.)

My neighbor's son's new SM ran faceplant into that style of situation. Even though well-divorced, the biodad & biomom had developed their own tempo and style of communication. I don't think either of them really considered the new SM's feelings or perceptions. It was not malicious. It was just what they 'did' after decades of knowing each other, co-parenting and a weird sort of friendship. I've found that is not that unusual if the partners are fairly sane, and trying to co-parent. Not all folks who chat weekly are crazy.

Perhaps you can ask that communication continue by email rather than by text for their normal chat. Text & phone can be reserved for emergency situations. As long as it is open, how does that infringe on your life?

Banning the kids from the home that Dad helps pay for ?? Banning the kids because your DH is acting like a poor parent? I suggest taking another look at the situation.

I agree. OP can choose to ban anyone she chooses to in the home she maintains. (Pays for)

If OP pays the mortgage, the TV, the internet, the cell phones, the water bill, child support for her kids -- heck, she's like a number of other posters & able to 'call the shots."

Otherwise, I think she's foolish to draw a line in the sand. Boundaries are good but ultimatums stink.

Besides, FFS, OP/SM had her delicate feelings hurt which is no reason to "ban" a kid.
Banning a kid because they don't say "hello?" This is not a physical or sexual assualt with charges pending ... or, court-mandated TRO/PPO. There are folks with real issues. Do you hear how foolish you sound?

You are not the least bit foolish or ridiculous for feeling the way you do! His kids are jerks and your DH is to blame, because he's the one allowing it.

That being said, you can't ban his under aged spawn just for being arseholes. I had to wait until my skids were adults before I banned my rude SD.

Go to the disengagement board and read up. Don't announce your disengagement to DH.. just do it. It is a challenge at first but worth the effort.

Stick around here and you will learn a lot. Hang in there!

I think you have to do something, or this will always continue. Ban or not to ban?
Ban the kids will atleast bring the subject to light. SO then has to do something. Make peace with wife and his kid and stop the nonsense or visit his Kid on his own.
I would not pay for everything and be sh*t on

Why does she continue to communicate? This is quite simple. It's all about territory and control. It doesn't matter who left who or how the marriage ended, a lot of BM's expect to still be able to call the shots. Usually this is in regard to his money and time etc.They set in place how they want things to be and when a new wife/gf comes along it naturally changes things. They feel threatened and ramp up the behaviour. Your problem is that your DH allows it. He needs to shut her out. Ignore and use that communication software that someone suggested.

The children are rude and may well be being schooled in this by BM. AS this is your home you certainly do not have to put up with this. He needs to do more that just ask them why and then accept their shrugs. Personaly, I would not ban them from your home completely as this will be seen as an aggressive and alienating move on your part and ANYTHING like that is always a war cry to the BM.

Your DH is probably afraid to deal with this as it may mean his kids won't want to visit anymore. He has to decide how important your relationship is. I don't mean in a 'them or you' way but he has to be prepared to rock the boat if he wants to make it clear that you are in his life and it will stay that way.

Personally, reading between the line it looks like BM is making sure they won't like you or accept you. She knows her ex's weakness is the kids. These kind of BM's are not afraid to use those kids to get at him. I think the first step is for him to cut off the contact with BM. See how that pans out (probably will be s**t hitting the fan time) and then you will get a taster of how things are going to be.

6 months in? Buckle up, buttercup. Skids get worse. Exes like these are trying to still rule the roost. I'd put money on her bad mouthing you to the skids every chance she gets and your life will be hell if your hubby doesn't do something now.

Been there, squashed that.

OP area your 100percent sure that your husbands ex wife has sole custody? Sole custody is very ridged, and years ago if someone had sole custody they didn't see their kids OR be allowed any input about anything.

Please ask dh to pull out the court order so you can read it. MAYBE....just maybe there is information within the court order that will benefit you.

What is reallllly important is what IS in the court order. Equally want is not in the court order.
FOLLOW the order and do not color outside those lines.

DH does not have to answer every call from bm...nor text. UNLESS it is in the order.
He can tell her---do not message or call me unless it is an emergency.
UNLESS BM is ordered to have unrestricted access to your husband....very doubtful.

Why does bm call all the time....simply because she feels like it. Any reasonable person knows it is disruptive.

So soorrrrryyyyyy your going thru this.

Maybe your husband needs to be 100percent proactive with his kids (if he is not already) by being in contact with teachers and doctors so BM does not have to update him unless a true emergency.

Our Toxic BM does indeed still like to text, and she is so very toxic in every way, FINALLY after about 1 1/2 years she has stopped with the "zingers" as he calls them - the sexually suggestive texts that he supposedly doesn't respond to.

She has been curtailed a bit recently, and told, "NO, he will not loan her his truck, and help her move furniture, or install mirrors etc..."

But for the last 3 plus years its been a constant daily texting interaction and indeed I am TIRED> so TIRED. of HER. And her incessant demands. She is used to having his attention, which he gives either "because of the children" or "to keep things nice between them".

The youngest and I are really good, but the eldest would be very rude, and ignore me or be very mean, to the point where I had to disengage from her. Now, after a few years, in retrospect I believe that yes it was in allegiance to her mother that she treated me badly at the beginning.

Remember, BM will ALWAYS be the mother, no matter what she has done. But you do not deserve to be disrespected in your own home that you pay for and your DH needs to be stronger in his assertions that you are to be respected.

I went thru this with my SS's and their BM. For years the SS's would literally ignore me, and here and there would try little obnoxious tricks to piss me off, especially if DH wasn't around to witness. They would make a point of walking into/immediately walking out of a room if they saw me sitting there... be very obvious about not wanting to speak to me. At their ages (pre-teen, early teen) I think they fed off of each other, and delighted in my angst about it. My DH would tell them to "be nice" but really, how do you FORCE someone to be chatty at the dinner table? You really can't.

BM was a nightmare about calling and such. A previous poster had asked how you didn't know this prior to marriage.... well, I can say at least for me, we lived in 2 separate households (DH and I, that is) the majority of the time so how BM interacted with DH 4 or 5 days a week was a mystery to me before we lived in the same house. For all I know it could have been next to non-existant until I came on scene. Her biggest thrill was calling my DH late in the evening on the HOME PHONE, knowing full well he was at work. That was just to let me "know" she was talking to him. She would ask him to do house and car repairs for her, even though she was remarried. All the typical stuff we hear about on these boards.

It was tough, but after a while, I ignored it all unless it directly impacted me or my children. If she called the home phone when DH was at work, I didn't answer. If the SS's chose not to speak with me, I didn't push it. I refused to feel like I was being judged by a couple of snot-nosed pre-teens. We had a lot of issues we had to deal with. I was always very upfront with DH telling him what I didn't like, and being very clear *he* had to figure it out and deal with it. Then I left it at that.

Now the SS's are in their 20's. I have a very good relationship with both of them despite the "early years." I know a lot had to do with maintaining a type of allegiance to their mom, who is extremely narcissistic and would punish them if they DARED to speak to their father in public if she was around. Now that they are adults, they have realized that I'm really not as bad as she/they believed I was in the early years. As for BM, I couldn't give a hoot about her. I don't know if she still calls DH, and frankly I don't care as long as it's not infringing on my time.

Your DH can "make" your SK's be cordial -- thank you, hello, goodbye, etc. But he can't "make" them hold stimulating dinner conversations with you, I don't care what anyone says. And honestly, at the ages your SK's are, are they really all that exciting or chatty? Run a parallel life -- do your thing regardless of who else is around. maybe, just maybe.... as they get older they will come around.

Typical BM shit..... if she can't have him or don't want him, no one else can or should, yeah he needs to live alone and be her slave for life. That's how they think.

Your DH needs to be more firm with his Ex wife, allot more firm... if the kids are with him, there's no need to even answer her calls or text messages, simply ignore, if it's not an emergency, ignore... SO blocked BM and said, Aergia has a phone, she can contact him her self....

Then for the boys ignoring you, fine, ignore the right back, pretend they are not there and go on with your life,