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Why can't BM's let go?

HolyShmokey's picture

To make a long rant short...Why can't BM's let go of this idea of a happy family with their EX's?

My DH got a few emails from BM this weekend (he hasn't responded yet), but BM wants to throw a joint bday party for SD with him (I wasn't included in the email of course...just talked about them planning one). Also DH is primary custodial parent and he's taking SD to a new school to register her. BM wants the 3 of them to go together (I wasn't included, not that I should be...but it irks me to think of her trying to play happy family with DH and SD strolling through the halls together...smh).

DH is looking to reply with a polite No on both emails (some history, we actually had 2 joint parties early on in our marriage w/BM and the last was a disaster with her behavior-never again!!)...

This is a BM (and it seems like so many of us have a similar story) that left her husband(my DH) and SD to pursue another love interest, but wanted back after the guy didn't work out. DH and I were together when she came back (or tried to come back at least) and we ended up getting married a little over a year later. She's come in, several times trying to "win" DH back and push me out of the way-hasn't worked, DH and I have the best marriage, we have a kid together now and I get along great with SD.

So the only one who doesn't fit into the picture...is BM. Why can't they let go and move on? Doesn't it hurt the child/confuse them if they see mommy and daddy "being happy" family together anyways? Just can't think it's healthy...ok, end rant...wasn't too long, I hope Smile

HolyShmokey's picture

Let me clarify on the "hurting" the child part...wouldn't it confuse a young child to see their dad happily married to me (SM) and doing family things together (without me, SM there) and Dad and BM being happy/family like? SD is going into the first grade and still doesn't seem to grasp the concept of divorce...

hereiam's picture

I think it confused my nephew. At the time, it seemed great that my sister and her ex-husband could get along to do the joint parties but I really think that it gave my nephew a false hope that they would get back together someday. I believe it's a lot of the reason that he acted out later.

HolyShmokey's picture

I agree, every time SD talks about it to DH she just seems so confused about the whole situation. My DH thinks she's too young to get the whole story (no girl wants to hear their mom left them), but I hope she gets to a point soon where an edited version would help explain.

My parents never did anything like that, doing joint anything, when they got divorced and it was so clear to us that they moved on.

Maxwell09's picture

I agree with this^^^ my SS is so little that he'll never remember BM and DH together so why on earth would they want to put that little seed in his head to grow. Our BM also tried this in the beginning asking telling DH "they needed days together so the SS could see that they could get along and he can love both of them"....he was 1 at the time. He laughed at her and told her to go play family with the guy she left him for if she needed family days so bad. And I can see how a child would think "well if you get along and like each other when we are all together then why can't we (DH, BM, child) just be together all the time. It's not that far of a stretch especially when literally every book, cartoon, story usually only projects the nuclear family.

And to answer your question, the moment SS's mother realized I wasn't going anywhere was when she stopped pursuing my DH and decided I was the blame for hee pitfalls in life. So basically when your BM loses hope, she'll replace it for an irrational hatred for you and blame you for everything not working out THEN and only then will her priorities of trying to get back with your DH shift to project "HatingSmom4Life"

HolyShmokey's picture

Lol, one could only hope...actually, I think I'm getting close to that level for her Wink

Maxwell09's picture

Ha ya know I don't know which phase is more annoying to deal with, some days I wish BM was still pining for DH because then she wouldn't make it her life's mission to fight about every damn thing. Now that we are in Haterade phase everything's a battle.

hereiam's picture

BM over here wasn't in love with DH, she just wanted him back for a paycheck and a nanny. Then, when he wouldn't go back, she was pissed that she got told, "No."

That's always been the real issue; she didn't get her way. She thought she would always be able to pull his strings because she had his daughter. Nope.

DH did no joint anything with her. Not one thing. Ever. He doesn't want to be in the same area code as her.

HolyShmokey's picture

It's funny, but I never realized how many people deal with the same BS issues until I found this site. DH and I drank the koolaid, so to speak, for a little while, trying to all "get along" but after obvious and blatant attempts to demean and push me out, DH put his foot down, big time. We tried to play nice by having joint parties, you live and learn, and now- no way!

Every relationship for her after DH has failed,so I think she's holding on to what ifs and trying to play pretend...IDK, just over it.

twoviewpoints's picture

Unfortunately for you, you don't get a magic wand to wave and 'poof' BM away. No matter that Bm dumped SD prior, she's back and she is and will always be the child's mother. A selfish annoying one perhaps, but still Mommy.

But that doesn't mean your DH has do things such as joint birthday parties. I don't recommend them to begin with because most heard about from others here don't turn out well. I know my DS and ex-DIL tried one for GS a number of years ago and SM did not handle it well (even though everything as done appropriately and SM totally a co-partner in the planning and implementing. It just bothered SM to be around BM. SM didn't realize until plans were underway that she would have issues about her feelings surrounding the event. Ok. Nobody wants to not be able to enjoy the event so at was the one and only joint party. Let BM do her own cake and ice cream and family/friend party if she want one and you and DH do what you two plan to do on your end with family/friends. That's totally acceptable.

The school thing? BM can and should set up with the school a tour and meeting/introduction with the teacher and office staff if she wants to be involved and know where daughter attends. She'll also want to be included in classroom notifications of activities , classroom performance of SD on behavior and grades ect. Perhaps there is a online parent/teacher portal. BM should be able to do all that and be a involved with her child's education. With that said, no, there is no reason for DH and BM to have to go and register together. DH has primary and daughter goes to school primarily on Dad's time. You don't mention if they both have joint legal custody. BM should be o the contact list for pick-ups and emergencies , but should not be called prior to Dad if she lives the majority of school time with him. If there are afterschool days where BM will be picking SD up, the school needs to have her on the allowed list, just as you may be on the list. What you and BM should not do though is get into a Bitch fight over which lady should pick SD up....the kid and the school do not want to be in the middle of feuding BM and SM. It is hard sometimes, but you always have to keep in mind no matter how lousy a BM you think BM is (are she actually very well may be), is that Dad has the custody, not the SM. You are his partner and assist him of course. But BM can get a modification in CO that gives her first rights of refusal if perchance Dad himself is not available.

So yeah, it's not really all about just still playing family, BM does have some rights and she can pursue more through CO if Dad gets too hard ball with her. No to joint party. No to jointly having to be involved together in registration. Better to inform her and let her know she can do the school involvement on her own though than to tell her to f-off. She does have a right to know about her child's schooling and education.

HolyShmokey's picture

I agree completely with all you said. She should be able to set up her own meet and greet and if there is an orientation, she should have rights to go. I'm completely on board with her being the mom and BM, just not trying to play family.

To me, there is no need for them to meet up privately to do the school registration together as you said and no need to do joint parties or anything joint. DH has primary, she has split so she will be the contact and pick up SD from school when it's her time. DH has been very generous and amicable, the only thing he ever did hardball-wise was putting his foot down on some asinine requests, and of course anything to try to break up mine and his relationship or put our family down. Trying to keep this as short as possible, but I could practically write a book at this point Sad Sad

onthefence2's picture

I don't think it's right for parents to get two meetings just because the new wife might get upset. It's one thing if the two bios can't be in the same room together, but why should the teacher's time be affected because you might get upset? If I were in charge, one child, one meeting. Like teachers don't have enough to deal with without their students' parenting issues?

Agree no dice on the party, though.

HolyShmokey's picture

It's just a registration, though. Not a meeting with the teacher. If it were a parent/teacher conference, no problem. If it were orientation, no problem. Telling DH she's going to go, meet up with him for this when there is no need...I don't see it. Just seems like playing family.

SecondGeneration's picture

I disagree, I think it is perfectly reasonable for separated parents to request and be granted individual parent-teacher conferences. If you are talking about information evenings when all parents for the class are present and a presentation is given then sure all adults should be able to sit in the same room. But if you are talking one to one, teacher-parents evenings then no, the separate parents should have separate meetings.

Generally speaking most schools and teachers are able and willing to accommodate, I do not believe separated parents should be required to attend such appointments together. Particularly when dealing with general parents evenings because the reality is the majority of scenarios are somewhat strained and one parent may feel unable to discuss any concerns due to the other parents presence.
For me, my parents always attended my parents evenings separately without issue.
For my SD, her parents have always attended school parents evenings separately, no issue for the teacher, its no different to the inconvenience of a teacher having to give individual meetings for each student.

Likewise I believe that step parents should be absent from such parents evenings and generally from schooling issues unless there is a behavioural issue that their presence is requested.

Its not so much about the new wife being upset, its about acknowledging that if these two individuals were able to effectively communicate and parent together then they would still be together. Once they are no longer together then all activities/appointments should be held independently with the exception of serious medical or behavioural issues.

I personally believe it is far better for all parties to have this clear boundary, then the child is spared any confusion or potential drama from having parents that are able to be nice and civil for certain activities (parents evening for example) but at other times are spouting venom at one another.
Its better for both parents as they are able to discuss any concerns with teachers or whoever without sarcasm or interference from the other parent, basically its respectful parenting, it allows both parents to exercise their parental rights as individual and separate parents.

I will never understand why any ex-couple attempt to do these things together, parties? why? Parties are enjoyable activities to share with your friends and family, exes do not classify as friends or family any more. Sure they are the childs family, but thats what visitation is there for, to allow that child to have access to both sides of its family.

simifan's picture

In DH's case, she didn't want him just his sense of responsibility and of course his money. BUT, he was supposed to remain at her beck & Call and do everything she told (not asked) him too. He was not supposed to date, let alone move on with his life. He had a "daughter to think of now" although it was fine that she moved on with one of the guys she was sleeping with when they were together. Then he took up with that "red headed hussy" aka me, who had the nerve to tell him his lawyer sucked & he needed a new one.

SourGrapes's picture

Your situation is eerily similar to mine. BM cheated on SO and left him to be with her other love interest. When that relationship ended she waged an all out campaign to get back together with SO and "get their family back together" all for the good of SD4. Luckily, SO and I managed to work through it and our relationship actually improved for the better after all of that drama. I have a great relationship with my SD and she's best buddies with my BD.

However, BM still insists that they are "a family" and wants to do things like birthday parties and dance recitals and other things like that, without my presence. She's finally dating someone new and has (for the time being) given up on trying to patch things up with SO, so I guess we'll see if her BF is going to be included in these events. SD's birthday is coming up, I'll be interested to see how the whole thing plays out!

These BM's don't let go until they MOVE ON. All you can do is be strong in your marriage, and hope that some new sucker comes along to fill BM's void. Haha!

HolyShmokey's picture

Why is this a trend for BM's? When plan B (their new guy) doesn't work out, let's move back to plan A? Are they really that naive that they think these men will wait around for them to return? I'm now a BM and just couldn't imagine doing this, period!

Sports Fan's picture

In our case plan B hasn't failed yet but I don't think it brought her the happiness she was looking for so she takes it out on DH.

HolyShmokey's picture

SD is almost 6 , going into first grade next year. I'm hoping as she gets older she'll understand. She doesn't really grasp divorce and sometimes says she wishes we all shared the same house together (there's a new reality show for ya, lol). Her mom and her have a smaller condo so she just really doesn't understand why we all can't share a big house. So yes, it is a little aggravating for me at times, lol

DH and BM (after weeding through a lot of BS, that they kept out of SD's sight, thankfully) for the most part are pretty amicable which adds to some confusion in SD's mind...shoot, I'm even amicable and always saying nice things when SD brings up BM.

Hopefully in the next few years it becomes a little more clear for her.

Rags's picture

I think it is a control and pride thing. My XW was like this. We had no spawn but after she moved out of our marrital home to move in with her geriatric Fortune 500 executive sugar daddy she would call me regularly for lunch, offers for nooner hotel hookups, etc.... I never partook of her hookup offers and once our divorce was final I had as little as possible to do with her. Even then she would call me when she had some personal life crisis to work through. We still owned a home together so she had my number but once the house sold I never answered another of her calls or corresponence. Unfortunately the house did not sell until 3.5ish years after our divorce was final so I did have to suffer a number of her approaches before we were completely through. After I finally cut her off of all contact she did try an end run through some former mutual freinds wanting to know why I hated her so much that I would not speak with her. I did not honor that attempt with a response.

Interestingly I still get calls from friends who live in that same city as my XW with updates on her pathetic characterless life. Multiple out of wedlock spawn while cheating on her serial husbands. The last I heard she is on DH #3. I was #1. She and my ILs are also periodically in the local paper for their criminal activities. My XFIL is a former city councilman and my XMIL is a convicted federal felon. The whole family was sued by my XMIL's employer to recover $millions that were embezzled from his business during the time my XMIL was his business manager/book keeper. My XW was stuck with paying back a couple of $Mil. Fortunately that all went down ~19 years after we divorced so it had no impact on me.

My mom and dad ran into my XSIL at breakfast not too long ago. She commented that my XW periodically comments that her life was so much better with me. Ha! Yep. No doubt about that. Until she screwed it up.

Beyond a shared spawn, control, and pride I don't know what else could keep an X so enamored with a former spouse besides a mental disorder.

HolyShmokey's picture

Woah! All I can say on all of that, but glad you are out do that mess and on to better things!

And I would definitely place bets on mental disorders being part of it.