I'm as disengaged as possible from DH's eldest daughter, but my relationship with YSD has been almost the exact opposite

Where DH's eldest is rude and disrespectful to me and loves to PAS SGS against me, YSD shows respec, is loving and affectionate and shows gratitude for the the things I've done for her over the years

I really wanted YSD to have a wonderful visit here over Christmas and went a little overboard.....only to end up confused and disappointed

I realize none of it is anything YSD did wrong of course...just me not keeping my own expectations in check and getting some nice little reminders of the hurts us well-meaning step-parents often feel....all little things but nonetheless, disappointing

It started at Christmas brunch at FIL's. When DH and I asked YSD what time she would be coming to our place later in the week, she said to both of us that anytime was good, I figured okay mid-afternoon would be a good time as she and DH could visit while I prepared and served appetizers, etc...long before dinner. But the moment I left the room she tells DH she'll be over at 11:30 which they agree to without consulting me and thy expectation is that she would like to be taken out for lunch, etc... prior to dinner at our place

Of course I have no problem with this at all, but annoyed me that one thing was said in my presence, then a whole schedule agreed to by her and DH behind my back (and leaving no time at all to even buy the groceries needed for the dinner - shopped the day before in a rush instead) So no problem, we toured her all through the new area we live in and took her out to a really beautiful and expensive restaurant for lunch. When we came home mid-afternoon I left them to visit/catch-up and disappeared to the kitchen to make a few nice appetizers for them

The moment I leave the room I hear YSD talking about getting together for lunch, later in the week on a day that she knows I'm working and unavailable to join them. Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with just the two of them having a nice lunch together and I have zero issue with that. But I can't help the immediate feeling I got when it was something that YSD seemed to want to discuss with DH once again behind my back, and that obviously she did not want me to be a part of

Of course I kick myself at being so sensitive about it when there is nothing wrong with them getting together, and I reason that YSD certainly didn't just invite DH and DH out only, she did this on a day she knew I would be working anyway, and probably mentioned it when I left the room so she wouldn't hurt my feelings. I know this but still couldn't shake the sad feeling I get when I realize how important it is for her to be with her dad alone, SM-free....doesn't make you feel very wanted or welcome no matter how innocent it is from her

But my hurt and disappointment grew when later in the evening I presented YSD with the crystal candle-holders she knew was coming from me. They were something my sister had purchased in Europe and as YSD loves crystal I had told her some time ago I thought she would love them as they went well with the crystal glasses FIL had given her recently.

At the same time I was giving them to her I also had her old wind-chime from her bedroom from our old house that I thought she would like for her new house, as it is beautiful, and had been in her room for many years. When I presented her with the candle-holders I explained where they were from and that I was happy to pass them on to her, from her SM. Also gave her the wind-chime. YSD was happy to receive both gifts, and polite as always, commenting that they were cool. She gave me a hug and said thank you, then said to DH she was thanking/hugging him too but.....where I was concerned YSD just didn't really seem very....moved at all.

Again, nothing at all she did wrong. She accepted the gits politely it is again me I'm kicking....I was disappointed that she just didn't seem as moved by this gift as she would have been had it come from DH or her family for example

I really felt disappointment the following week when she opened her card and birthday present from DH and as well. It was a mutual effort to pick the beautiful card and gift. Her first comment was "Dad I love the card" nothing said to me. I had also written some very nice things to her she always has such sweet things written in her cards to me and I felt she deserved it. DH wrote his usual loving comments to her. She read what DH wrote, then read what I wrote (telling her what a wonderful SD she is) and her only comment was "thanks guys"

The gift she knew we both had looked hard to find and I had mentioned that her dad went to a great deal of trouble to get it in the exact colour she liked. YSD loved the gift and said so, and made a big deal about the colour being perfect. She gave me a hug and said thank you, gave DH a great big hug and told him she loves him so much

There were other little things but I have to say by the end of YSD's visit I felt let down. Not with her. She has grown to be a respectful, loving, affectionate and appreciative SD who has said many times to me over the years how much she loves and appreciates me. Many step-parents on this board I'm sure wish their adult skids had turned out so well. After all I've had to deal with from DH's elder daughter, I know I'm very fortunate YSD is as great as she is.

I was the problem in this situation. I built my hopes and expectations up too much....and when YSD was simply polite and kind to me I felt let down that she wasn't more moved, more emotional, more touched, more excited about spending time with me as she was with DH

This was a good reminder for me as a step-parent, that even when your skids are just great, never build up expectations like that and never go over-board...unless of course you are fine with feeling let down when you don't receive the responses you expected.

For this year one of my resolutions is to not do this again. I love YSD and want the best for her, but I will not set myself up to be hurt again. I will be as loving, affectionate and giving as she dictates by her behaviour...but I won't go to this extent again to try to please her nor will I expect the closeness I thought this might help accomplish

At the end of the day, I'm fortunate she is as wonderful as she is, and I just need to accept how our relationship is, not hope it would be anywhere near the relationship she has with DH