I'm just unhappy....but not all the time
I've posted once before about my skids issues. I actually said to my bio daughter last night that if my DH wants his kids in our life I don't know if I can stay married to him, that's how I feel about them. It's horrible to feel this way I know. The only time my DH and I are happy is when his kids aren't involved in our lives. And that has happened many times in the last year. His kids don't like me; bio mom hates me. They do not want to ever be at our house. They are supposed to be there every weekend. My DH will go through phases. He will say that if they don't want to be here, then that's their problem. This is my life and if they want to be a part of it it includes me and my two bio kids. Which my DH has pretty much taken in as his own kids and my kids love him to death and show it all the time. So we will go on for months and things will be great. Then he starts with "I want to see my kids" and he will and then the same thing happens again. I mentioned in my first post a while back that there are reasons for how I feel. I have been accused of abusing my SD....TWICE. And it's all a bunch of lies and she admitted that she made it up so she didn't have to come to our house anymore. They are mean to my kids and have no respect for me. I just do NOT like them. And my kids feel the same way I do. And when they are not around, things are wonderful. My husband and I are like we were in the beginning. As soon as he wants to see them again...BAM....back to miserableness. I love my husband more than anything, but this back and forth is killing me. And I feel like in order to stay married to the man I live, I have to be the one that bends and just accepts what everybody else does. I'm not real sure I want to do that anymore. Have to add we also have a 1 1/2 year old together so it isn't easy to just pick up and leave because we both love her dearly! Just looking for some support and/or advice.
It's not a matter of what
It's not a matter of what they do now. We hardly see them. It's what has been done in the past. The two child abuse allegations against me and my children. They are mean, the have no respect. They have said that I am the reason they don't see their dad. They called me the most hateful person they know. Bottom line, their mother has them convinced that someday he will come back to them, and every day that he is with me is another day he isn't with them. At this point, I don't want to make it work with his kids, that's the problem.
My god no wonder you don't
My god no wonder you don't want to see them, does it get any lower than that? I really feel for you, Daddies little Princess has managed to push me out, Im in the process of leaving, life is too short for me to be unhappy all the time. If I was in your situation I would not want to see them ever again, don't feel guilty about how you feel its perfectly understandable.
sorry. i can relate. is there
sorry. i can relate. is there any way that your DH can "visit" with his kids else where? Have you had an "honest" conversation with DH regarding your feelings on this?
I have had to finally say the awful truth. When we had the conversation I didn't talk about what his kid does and doesn't do, and what dh doesn't do, etc....i kept it at "i cannot do this like this anymore"
He knows exactly how I feel.
He knows exactly how I feel. We have had many talks about it. He took them to lunch about a month ago and that was fine with me I didn't have to see them they didn't have to see me. Then had no contact with them in 4 weeks. Now yesterday he wants them to come Saturday and stay over. So I work 5 days a week full time and then I can spend my weekend with kids that I don't like and don't like me. It just sucks. I'm afraid if I keep up with how I feel my husband may be the one to walk away; so do I just bend make everything ok??
As 'can't' said above my
As 'can't' said above my thought also was can your husband visit with them elsewhere. I'm going to assume these are elementary school kids. At that age I took them camping - great quality time. Day trips (but not Disneyland destinations) that will allow Dad to spend time interacting with them. National Park type environment. Kids museums. Meals out - perhaps regularly scheduled - every other Sunday evening.
They are 7th grade and 3rd
They are 7th grade and 3rd grade. That's another thing. It seems they only want to spend time with him if they are out doing something. Can't just spend quality time with their dad like we all do at home every day. We aren't made of money, in fact, we live paycheck to paycheck and don't have the money for him to take them somewhere every weekend. We don't even do that with my bio kids and our daughter that live with us. I would like him to do something else with them that doesn't require a sleepover, but when I say that, I am the bad guy for not wanting them at our home.!! UGH
I know everybody and every
I know everybody and every situation is different but if it were me and I had been falsely accused of abusing SD, she would never be allowed back in our house and I'm pretty sure DH would have agreed. Accusations like that RUIN people and you and your family should not be subjected to that. If DH wants to see his kids, he can go somewhere and see them.
I always worried that BM would accuse my DH of abusing his daughter and I knew if she ever went there, that would be the end of visits at our house, for our own protection. Luckily and surprisingly, she never went there.
When SD was a teenager, she decided to stop visitation. It hurt DH but he went along with it. Then she wanted to come over again and we said fine. Then she wanted to stop it again and so on. Finally, when she wanted to start coming back over, DH had to work weekends so, sorry. He talked to her a lot on the phone or he would go pick her up and go out to dinner or a movie or whatever. But to this day, if she brings up those times of not seeing her dad, he tells her that was her choice. She was not a young child at the time and could not be forced to come over. And really, who wants a kid at their house that doesn't want to be there in the first place. You already know what that leads to.
My DH promised me when we started dating that he would never let BM use the kid to manipulate him and he didn't. When SD got old enough to start trying to manipulate him herself, he didn't let her do it either. He loves his kids (has 2 kids, 2 ex-wives, fun, fun for me!) but letting them run his life is not an option. SD was never disrespectful to me in my own home (DH would have set her straight right away) but DH knew that if it ever came to that or she started acting like her mother, the door was closed. I don't have to put up with that in my own home and that would be even more true if I had other children I was trying to raise and set an example for.
I hope you can talk to your DH and come to some sort of compromise. Sometimes people have to accept the fact that two separate families can not always become one, but that doesn't mean it has to be one or the other.
When I bring up the abuse
When I bring up the abuse allegations he says it is in the past and we need to move on. Like it was just a small thing that she did. I don't think it was small but he does and that hurts me tremendously. I don't want her around me or my kids; but when I say that it causes major problems between us. What a mess!!
That's a problem. It is not a
That's a problem. It is not a small thing and if it was in her to do it once there is no guarantee she won't do it again, or worse. Kids learn early and from others how to get their own way and if it works once, well, there is no end.
I just don't know what to tell you except I am almost in tears thinking about your situation and what you and your kids are going through. Your DH is in deep denial. When will it be serious enough for him? When you are actually dragged through the court system on trumped up charges?
It wasn't the first
It wasn't the first time....she did it TWICE!!
I know how you feel. I'm
I know how you feel. I'm miserable when my DH's kids are around. And his kids are adults. They just give off a negative vibe.
This is SOOOO much like my
This is SOOOO much like my situation. I can't stand my DH's kids but we have a son together and we are HAPPY when I don't have to see or think about his kids. We almost got divorced last week because he can't handle the fact that I don't like his kids.
The best advice that I received was to fake it. If I have to fake being nice and happy around his kids for 5 hours once a week to make the rest of my life drama free and happy then thats what I am doing. When he says his kids are coming over or he is going to an event. I say ok and smile. Nothing more. My son and I don't have to be around them unless they are at our house and if they don't want to respect me I call them out on in. If my 2 year old can say thank you so can they.
Since I began this approach we have not had a single fight....which in our relationship the past 2 years...says alot. It sounds to me like you love your husband and don't want to leave but you want to be happy. I had to make the decision NOT to let these horrible children control my life because at the end of the day they are not going to want to be in our lives forever. I also started doing things for me and my son. I bought a tanning package and a yearly pass to the zoo. We have had so much fun and I feel better about myself.
You will do what you need to do to be happy in the end. But this approach has worked for me. Focus on you and your kids when his are there. Try to be nice even if you are boiling inside. Just remember if you want to be with this man these kids are going to be around...but not forever. With this type of distance relationship as teenage years set in it will be more about their friends and BM.
Good luck. I wish you the best.
This is exactly what I have
This is exactly what I have decided to do. Except they are at my house for the whole weekend. But I am going to try. When he told me this week they were coming over I said ok and changed the subject instead of harping on it and how I wasn't happy about it. And he actually even called me on that saying that he wasn't sure if he should have them over because he didn't want to cause issues. I said there are no issues unless you have issues. And he hasn't brought it up since. So we will see what happens. But I plan to go about my weekend activities with my kids and whatever he does with his kids is his choice. The problem I hate is I get two days with my bio kids and our bio daughter without having to go to work and I have to be fake. But, I guess I will deal with it. Like you said, they won't be around forever.
ahhhhh, this right
ahhhhh, this right here......
"And he actually even called me on that saying that he wasn't sure if he should have them over because he didn't want to cause issues. I said there are no issues unless you have issues."
but YOU DO have issues. first thing i started doing when dh would "ask" or mention, i would tell him the TRUTH.
"i was thinking about having kid over this weekend, ok?"
"uh, no honestly this weekend isn't a good time."
now yes this would start a whole another so called discussion, but he started to get the picture cause i was honest about it.
when his kid was around i would work late, but that sucked too cause that took time away from my bio's. and he would throw the biggest baby fit if i tried to go do something when i didn't have my bios. "that's not fair you get to go do something without kids and i don't." waaa waaa
it was a mess for the longest.
you do need to pick and choose your battles, try to find cheap/free stuff to do with your kids and tell him you already had these plans. try not to worry about what he is doin with his kids, or the money that is being spent. easier said than done i know.
and that comment your dh made about "getting over it" referring to the abuse accusations, that would be the thorn in our relationship if that was us. i'm sorry about that one.
there is no easy solution. i guess be glad that he is so inconsistent with his vistation, and try to busy yourself when he decides he needs to see them.
Just wanted to write that SKs
Just wanted to write that SKs came down yesterday for about 5 hours. I pretty much ignored them and went about my own business. No words were exchanged between me and them. And honestly, that made it bearable!! It's not the solution I want, but I think I have turned the corner on how I deal with it. I have a total "I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DO" attitude when it comes to them. I have my own 3 kids and a husband that loves me, that's all I need.