You are here

I need to vent!

Littlemama4's picture

Ugh I'm so frustrated right now!  So my husband's grandmother wants my step son to take him to am amusement park with the other grandchild. Um , my husband and I have 5 kids together. I have two from a previous and two with my husband then my step son. I'm sorry but I'm so fed up with the favoritism. Guess now it's time for me to start being a b and not allow any of my husbands side to see any of my children. The pattern is repeating itself,  guess I should have never allowed them back in, oh well guess it starts now. I feel so bad for my kids , like I don't even know how to help them they're always left out. Ugh! 

Littlemama4's picture

The other grandchild is my husband's uncles daugther*

Littlemama4's picture

I'm pretty sure it's not since myhusband was specifically asked for ss. Money wise I could understand but that's not the case here. 

Littlemama4's picture

Also DH's side of the family has a tendency to try to take over the children. For example, his mother would say something like I would like to take the kids to do this this or this but they have to stay the night at my place or some other lame excuse. I have always been protective of my children , and I'm not trying to raise them like my ss is being raised. My kids are grateful and my ss is just so mean, he has the attitude of if I break a toy I'll just get another one...and DH's mother and grandmother make it worse. If I upload pictures of all the kids to my FB my DH's mother and grandmother will specifically look for pics of ss and ONLY like those pics. Ugh I love my dh but I hate his family and ss !!!!!

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Your H needs to spell out to Gma in a neutral fashion why this won't work for your blended family and how it would only hurt the other children's feelings.

He can be grateful for the offer, and perhaps suggest some other way Gma can spend time with her GGkid. The key is to find a balance that allows for kids to spend time with their respective extended family, teaches all the kids that life isn't always fair, and avoids situations that allow for egregious favoritism. 

ESMOD's picture

I actually don't think that's really fair either.  Nowhere is it written that just because one kid gets to do something that the others get equal.  One kid gets a party invite.. bring the whole crew? NO!

Sure, would be nice if grandma could always be equal.. but maybe she just wants to take two kids the same age at the same time.. because of logistics..finances.. whatever.  OP is welcome to take her kids to a park as well or do some other fun activity while the one kid is gone. 

We can't make everything equal for kids.. and it sounds like OP will be glad to not spend time with SS anyway.. so I would let grandma take him.

 

Littlemama4's picture

Not worried about it being equal. This is about her great grand children. The younger two wouldn't care , but its the older ones. Whenever something is going on my husband always gets the phone call about my stepson going/ doing things but not my other children. It could be as simple as going out for dinner, they'll come grab my stepson but never even offer to take my older two. 

tog redux's picture

Wait, I'm a bit confused - you are upset that she isn't taking your kids who aren't her bio grandkids? That's not her responsibility. 

ESMOD's picture

Does she buy them gifts?  Does she treat them well otherwise than showing a little bit of favoritism to the kids that are truly her BIO great grandkids?

Technically she can call them that for expedience and maybe even because she is trying to be inclusive.. but isn't 100% being equitable.

Also.. maybe you place too many restrictions on what she can and cannot do with "your" kids.. so she has found it easier to take only her bios?

Also.. 4 kids is still a LOT for one old woman to handle.. I think you should give her a break.

Littlemama4's picture

Nope nope and nope. Shes not super old maybe 60s , she was 15 when dhs mom was born. She only shows favortism to ss. My younger two with my husband aren't acknowledged. I'm cool with the older two not being acknowledged,  everybody has helped me to see that but my older two will not acknowledge her as their nan. It's my youngest ones. My husband and I have two and they don't get acknowledged at all. It's like they don't exist. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Is there an age difference between your SS and your other two children? Maybe Grandma wants to take the two children who are the same age? Maybe she doesn't want to take 4 children to an amusement park by herself?

It sounds like there is history here that make explain our frustration - but without details it is hard to know if this is really out of line or not.

Littlemama4's picture

Favouritism is what this is about DHS grandmother and mother never include the other children just my ss. They want the glory of being grandma and nanny but they only include one child. 

Littlemama4's picture

By glory I mean she gloats that she has all these great grand children , but doesnt do anything with them and such. Just my ss. 

ESMOD's picture

Do you think that grandma should take your two bios that are not with her son on the trip as well? or are you just upset that she isn't taking the other two that ARE her grandchildren?

Honestly, I'm not sure about the age of grandma.. but taking TWO kids is probably about all she would want to do.. financially and logistically.  I mean.. grandma taking 6 kids by herself?  (how old are her other two grandkids btw?).  That would be just about negligent to allow one person to take 6 young kids (3 at least are 10 or under) to an amusement park.

Do you think that perhaps the younger kids aren't going for that reason? she doesn't feel she can take that many kids and the younger ones will get their "turn" when they are older?

Littlemama4's picture

I feel like ggma  should take the older two also, since she claims shes their great grandma , to just put them to the side and specifically ask for ss to go is what upsets me. She wants to play this role where she's their nanny and such but doesnt include them,  just ss since hes the biological grandchild and not my older two. 

Littlemama4's picture

Then perhaps I need to make it clear to her to not claim that she's their great grandma 

Littlemama4's picture

Kids ages are as follows : my kids are dd13 s11 dd7 and s4 my stepson is 10. This isn't a matter of ages or money, and grand ma is not old like maybe 45 50ish. This is basically that she only wants ss. This has been the case for a while my children are always left out when it comes to doing things like this. Ss is always the one asked to go. Its upsetting bc my two older ones and my two with my husband are never included. It's about FAVORITISM. Its upsetting me bc it's like my children aren't good enough to be included. I could see not taking the younger two , that's not an issue but just to take ss  isn't fair. Especially since hell come home and rub it in my two older ones faces that he got to go and they didn't. 

still learning's picture

Guess now it's time for me to start being a b and not allow any of my husbands side to see any of my children. 

This would be a very bad move and seen as mean-spirited on your part.  The fact is that things are not always going to be equal with your kids because as a brood they literally have three sets of parent/grandparents.  If you really want all the kids to go to the amusement park why not offer to go with grandma rather than expect her to take them all.  Where are your parents in all of this and why aren't they taking all the kids out?  

Drop the control and facade of fairness. It's not fair, but neither is it fair that between you and DH there is a labrinth of family entanglements for the kids to wade through.  The kids need to be taught point blank that because they are in a blended family things won't always be equal but that it's okay. SS has been on the scene longest with gma so yes there likely is some favortism, it's human nature.  If grandma wants to take her older bio grandson out for the day with his cousin, let her.  Why should she have to take two unrelated kids or a 4 yr old who would want to ride the kiddie rides and not be able to do what his older brother does?  

In my situation it's obvious that DH favors SS's youngest child over the oldest who is a step.  He doesn't say it but I can see it. And why wouldn't he? This is his only grandson. The parents pawn both kids off on DH at times and DH doesn't complain but I know he'd prefer to see his grand alone at times.  

Littlemama4's picture

I get that. My problem is it's all done intentionally to make my kids jealous, ss  bullys my kids all the time. I have two children with my husband and they are never acknowledged by either of them. It's always been about ss. They're biological grandchildren and are treated as if they don't exist. That's where my problem is. Everyone is turning it into being about my two older kids. Yes itd be nice for her to include them but my problem is don't claim to be their great grandma if they're not included. <------- that is where my concern is. It's all done just bc ss is the favorite.  

tog redux's picture

You've made clear repeatedly that this IS about your older two, now you are saying something different. So let that go, and see if she includes your DD who is DH's bio child when she gets older. 

Otherwise, just tell your kids that she's not their bio-grandma, and that's that. 

Littlemama4's picture

And I'm not expecting d6 and s4 to go. Not what I'm saying , why is it ok to claim she's great grandma but not include my kids dd13 s11? 

Littlemama4's picture

So then it's ok if I tell her not to claim that shes my older two's great grandma and that she has 3 great grand children (ss10, my husband and I's dd7 and my husband and I's s4),  but doesnt want my two youngest? 

still learning's picture

I've had conversations with grandparents concerning step-grandkids and one of the overriding themes is that "they already have their own grandparents." This extends to gifts as well as inheritance matters. They may not give as much to your kids because they feel that their own grandparents should be doing their part.  They're reserving their time and energy for their bio grands. 

Great grandma would probably feel very rude coming into your home and announcing that she is only a few of the childrens great gma rather than all of them, thus the umbrella mantle to all.  

I would let it be and instead try to build relationships with your older kids extended family on both sides.  Maybe they can spend a few weeks in the summer with their own extended family and get the attention they crave.  

In a perfect world all your kids would be loved and accepted equally by all the adults in their lives. Steplife is not perfect and often there really is no blended family but just a jigsaw of mismatched pieces.  

ESMOD's picture

Your older two are being excluded from some things for a couple of reasons.. first.. while GGM is nice enough to "pretend" that your kids are her greatgrandkids.. in reality.. she doesn't see them as the same.  Part of the reason is that you do make it hard on her.. not letting your kids do certain things etc... She is also an old lady..now.. if she, her daughter AND your dh all had their kids at 15... then the youngest she would be is 45.. but she is likely at least 10 years older.  See how YOU feel at 55 years old and whether you want to be responsible for 4 kids.. (much less SIX.. if your youngers went too). I doubt it.

Your younger kids are not really ready for a trip like this with the older kids.. they will have different interests.. need a LOT more care and maintenance.  And.. you know what? it may not end up being equal down the road.. Great Granny may be beyond the age of being able to do these things with your younger kids.. it happens a LOT.. My DHs brother's kids got a lot more from their grandparents than my DH's kids.. they came along first so that's just how it worked out.

You need to learn to control what you can control.  you cannot MAKE your DH's grandmother take your older bios.. she has no obligation.. and again.. probably has been playing "lip service" to them being her great grandkids in an attempt to be nice to you.  Do NOT make it a big deal or you are likely to find that there is more fallout with your husband's family.

So.. what you can do?  You can take YOUR kids on a fun outing the day that SS goes.. so your kids have something too.  You can make your DH be a parent and not let his child rub the other kid's nose in it.  If he can't manage that.. when SS starts on his bragging.. tell the kids.. "hey.. let's hop in the car and go get icecream".. when SS10 starts to go.. you say.. "no.. you clearly told us you had a treat the others didn't have.. so you can sit here and think about how it feels when others get things you don't".

Again, you can't expect equal treatment in a situation that isn't equal.. neither in biology.. age etc...   All you can do is help your children understand that sometimes others get things.. and they won't.. but vice versa too.  And.. maybe you could also ask Great Grandma if it would be ok if YOU joined them that day.. and brought the other kids.. that way your kids get to go too?

Littlemama4's picture

Well duh....but why aren't my younger two acknowledged in some way? They are her great grand children too. She only picks ss. That's my problem. I like what you said about ss rubbing it in their faces. I'll have to remember that. I understand what your saying and it's great thanks. But my problem is how she picks favorites. Ss is the favorite,  the older two I get they're not biologically hers ok. But my younger two? They don't get birthday calls, birthday presents and such like ss. Why is that ok? She planned to take ss to amusement park...ok I get that but why not plan something age appropriate for the younger two at some point? 

ESMOD's picture

Maybe she doesn't like little kids?  Maybe they don't behave for her as well?  Maybe you get too intrusive when she has tried to make plans with them.. not allowing them to stay over or whatever.. so you have conditioned her to not do things with them.   Maybe she is somehow favoring her GGS because he comes from a "broken home" and tries to make up for that?

Maybe she just likes him more?  My DH had a grandmother that took him on trips all the time.. to mexico etc.. and never took his brother.  The kids were just different.

Maybe in time she WILL do more things with the younger kids.. but maybe the things that would be their level right now are things she doesn't want to do.. chuck e cheese or whatever?

Maybe you could invite her along on trips or activities with all the kids so she develops more of a relationship with all of them?

Littlemama4's picture

I don't feel like I get intrusive. Maybe I do and don't realize it, hmmm. But I've always been open to her trying to do stuff with them. I've tried planning stuff out and it never seems to work in the end. I'm a sahm and tried to plan to do things with my youngest while others are at school and she just doesnt want to. They don't get the birthday calls, the big extravagant presents and such like ss does. It's just all so frustrating. Maybe I didn't something and didn't even realize 

ESMOD's picture

The older kids get.. the fancier the presents tend to be.. more expensive etc.. age could still have an impact on that.. but if they are getting zero acknowlegement.. I would think your husband would ask her why?

ESMOD's picture

edit to add here.. I think your DH should ask his mother why she doesn't do birthday calls with the younger ones... Now.. age would account for some of it.. you don't necessarily have productive phone calls with kids under the age of 4.. but why hasn't she started to call the 7 yo etc? 

But again.. i stress here.. your DH should be having this convo with his great grandma.. and it should ONLY be in relationship to your two bio children that are her bio great grandkids.

 

Littlemama4's picture

I totally agree. But dh "doesnt want drama" I don't think that is necessarily drama. Dd7 has asked why she didn't get a call for her birthday , dd7 is smart for her age and can tell. Lol 4 year olds just like to blab on the phone haha. 

ndc's picture

Your expectation that your in-laws will treat your non-related kids the same as SS is unreasonable.  Your older kids are not their grandkids; they owe them nothing but to be kind, IMO.  Now, it would be nice if they included them - my parents have taken the skids to Disney, to the beach, bought them very nice gifts, etc. - but it is not something that should be expected.  If your SS is bragging about things he does with your H's family, then your H needs to discipline him.  That is not acceptable behavior and should be nipped in the bud.

As for your younger kids, time will tell.  It may be that they're excluded because of age, or it may be that they're excluded because of favoritism.  If the latter, and it's obvious, your H might want to say something about it. If he doesn't, or if it continues, then I'd be sure to do special things with my kids to try to make up for it.  And of course the relationships will be affected.  I vividly remember my grandmother favoring my cousins when I was a child, and I never developed a close relationship with her.  I never felt the need to call or visit her when I got older, either.  Her loss.

Littlemama4's picture

You stated that my expectation of my in laws to treat bs and bd the same as ss, is unreasonable,  yes I agree with that but they are the ones who said that that wouldn't be an issue when dh and I first got  together.  They made it obvious to me that they wouldn't leave them out blah blah. I guess I'm just dumb for believing that they would stick with that. Dh doesnt discipline he makes excuses. And then when I correct ss and say things like that's not nice or if I weren't to include him , I'm told I'm mean and unfair but not only by ss by dh , ss's bio mom too  I guess time will tell and I need to quit letting it bother me  guess it's just their loss. 

GoingWicked's picture

I’d leave whether SS goes up to DH (it would be a big fat no for my DH), and I’d just cut off his parents as much as possible, which is what I’ve done with my MIL.  She gets one token visit per year, just because she birthed my DH, and I’ve determined she’s insane more than she is malicious.  She actually had the audacity to ask for all the kids on their own this year, she can’t treat them fairly when we are there watching, freaks out if we say anything, what makes her think we’d leave them alone with her?  She’s a nut job.

I misread that this is DHs grandma, so you shouldn’t have to deal with her much, you can’t control her or your DH or your SS.  If you make a big deal about SS rubbing it in, it becomes a big deal, teach your kids to be happy for others good fortune, and it will take the wind out of his sails.