I have been dating my bf for almost 3 years. We knew each other in high school and dated for a while. We got back together several times but a girl (who he eventually married), went crazy (really, she stalked me) and I walked away. Long story short, life went on, they married, and had a child together. Fast forward 10 years later, they separated, he found me, and we rekindled our lost relationship. His bd was 5 when they divorced. Keep in mind, the bm has hated me pretty much forever. Not long after the divorce, she died unexpectedly and we instantly took on full custody of his child. I had only had one visit with this child prior to instant stepparenting. Things have been chaos since that time. Her (bm) family is not too happy with me filling this position and it has been a long year and a half being in this role. I feel like I'm competing with a ghost and nothing I do is ever or will ever be good enough. All I heard after she passed was what a horrible parent/person she was and in the next breath she's made a saint.

I do not have any children of my own and was no where near prepared for this when I took on this situation. I did it because I loved him and I knew there was a child in need. Now I wonder if I made the right choice. I understand the child has been through a lot but, we have too. He did not have full custody of her prior to this event. But it seems like he looks to me to be the equal parent but then dismisses my efforts when I try. It seems like I'm the only one that tries to give her structure and rules and he feels I'm too hard on her. When I pull back, he gets mad that I'm not doing enough. I can't win! I've been to two different counselors and explained the situation and my feelings. Both have said I should leave as the situation is impossible for even the most seasoned of parents. The poor kid has her mother's family putting her in the middle and then there is us. I can't stand some of the folks on the mother's side because it seems all they want to do is mettle and undermine. He plays nice because he doesn't want to be "mean" to anyone. Please tell me I am not the only one to have this situation?! Is there anyone else out there who can relate? I really feel bad for the child but I can't attact to her. I try to but I just don't feel the "motherly bond". I don't know if it's because of all of the outside influences, the fact I didn't like her mother, or that I'm just not cut out to be a stepparent. I love him, I really do, which is why I tried to make this work. But what am I missing? Any advice?