New Here
Thanks for allowing me to join. A forum for venting! Wish I had found you folks 10 years ago!!
My husband and I have been together 10 years, although only recently married and we live in my home, that I've owned for several decades. His 18 yr old son lives with us, and will soon graduate HS.
SS is on the spectrum, high functioning, Well, let me quickly clarify--he's capable of high functioning but is completely LAZY, unmotivated, would likely choose to live here forever and do NOTHING if permitted. I shudder at the idea he may still be here post graduation.
I have endured the passing of my father almost 5 years ago, my only sibling 2 years ago, my 14 yr old dog and faithful companion just days ago and have only my elderly mother left, who lives with us, and needs my overseeing and care (which is my pleasure to do for her).
I simply can't manage the ongoing stress of SS however. He's intrusive (just his presence alone feels intrusive), he doesn't drive, doesn't do anything toward making future plans for himself (continuing his education, obtaining a skill set that would enable him to be self-sufficient, etc). He has NO ambition, no beneficial desires, no goals, nothing.
Ive done everything possible to assist him over the last decade. I've been highly involved and engaged, meeting with school personnel over the last 5 years since he came to live with us, getting him into therapy, driving him to his part time job (we insisted he work 2 years ago), taking him to events and activities, helping with school work, checking on grades and helping him to stay on task, teaching him responsibilities, the list goes on and on.
I'm tired...I'm emotionally bankrupt, specifically where it comes to him. If I simply do nothing more--I fear I'll forever be burdened with this adult, having no privacy, no adult life to speak of, and that he'll be a freeloader forever. I need a break.
What does his dad think? He knows he's worthless, lazy and unmotivated. He, too, tires of dealing with him. But in the end it's his son. My guess is He will allow him to stay to his dying day, and won't consider my need and desire for a real life and a break!
It may come down to a divorce, but I'm mentally preparing for that because I'm THAT desparate!
Thanks for listening and letting me vent!
Welcome! Your DH is a lazy
Welcome! Your DH is a lazy parent and you have picked up the slack, but that doesn't really work for a stepparent to do that.
Have you let your DH know that you will not accept SS living with you endlessly and that you'll divorce before you'll agree to it? He's not doing his son any favors to allow him to live there forever. Saying, "Well, it's my son," is meaningless. He should WANT his son to grow up and be an independent, successful adult.
Applauding you, Tog!
Yes to everything you said! I've allowed myself to pick up the slack and correct, it doesn't work. In fairness, husbands' efforts at providing guidance has failed too. Yet, I don't think he wants to turn him out into the world knowing SS would be a total failure. I understand wanting to ensure they are ready, but there's NO indication this kid will EVER do anything to get ready.
We've both told SS he can't stay here post graduation and do NOTHING! That he MUST have a plan in place and execute the plan! But those are mere words from husband. I've seen him be wishy washy over and over again with disciplining SS, caving in on his word, giving in time and time again. I have no reason to believe he will do differently if SS doesn't take things seriously.
I haven't threatened divorce, but I've strongly eluded that I am done, I'm spent, I have to focus on my mom and her health, and that of my own, and can no longer handle SS doing and being nothing.
Right - so there needs to be
Right - so there needs to be a clear plan in place in terms of what DH expects from SS once he graduates. And DH needs to stop paying for phone, video games, etc after a reasonable period of time. Also- SS needs to be in therapy.
There are ways to push and encourage Failure to Launch kids, but it takes effort and and a clear plan, and a parent who won't be guilted or manipulated or buy any BS stories of unrealistic plans. If your DH does that, there is a good chance SS CAN be successful. But if not, SS will take the path of least resistance because he's afraid to grow up.
My SS20 is doing exactly this - but at BM's house.
A Clear Plan
I agree 100%.
SS pays for his phone already, buys a lot of his clothes, pays for his entertainment. That was put into effect some time ago, to get him adjusted to taking responsibility, along with having a savings plan he contributes to weekly.
Formulating a clear plan is something we've been in discussion about with him as nauseum for a year and a half. We've laid out viable, realistic options--going over the pros and cons of each. He's recently stated he'll opt to go to a local community college and continue his pt-job. Now, he doesn't drive. He knows we won't transport him post graduation anywhere. He doesn't really desire to drive, but also hasn't had a vehicle to use until last week--so that training with his dad should be coming soon. Will he be comfortable driving? That remains to be seen. And if not, he can opt to live on campus, aiming for an associates degree or he can go to Job Corps and gain a skill (and additional time for his brain to develop).
At this point what I know is, he's a lot of work and I'm tired! (Rightfully so). I no longer want to help someone who's not willing to help themself, including providing his housing here. Guess we'll see what happens in 2.5 months when he graduates. I'll either be married without his living here or single.
Sounds like the groundwork is
Sounds like the groundwork is in place anyway - but it's DH who should be pushing him, not you.
Backing Off
Yes, I'm determined to back off and let the chips fall where they may. Not only will this likely provide me somewhat of a break (other than having him here doing nothing --that drives both my husband and I crazy), but it will show without question his lack of initiative. Then he and Dad can look to themselves when things go awry.
I feel for you greatly. It's
I feel for you greatly. It's traumatic enough dealing with one's own mentally ill bio child. It feels impossible to you and it probably is. And I'm betting your SS feels that life is impossible, too, but that's not your fault, probably no ones. I wish I had a concrete answer for you. I guess it's going to come down to how much you love your husband and/or whether you can sustain your own mental healthy under the circumstances. Have you sought therapy for yourself? I wouldn't make any hasty moves until you've done so. There's no shame in having a professional to talk to/with. Best to you.
Therapy
Yes, I've been in therapy and SS was one the issues we've discussed. Therapist was also counseling SS. She strongly suggesting to him that he work on his future plan for post HS graduation, and encouraged him with doing some initial simple tasks toward that end. After 3 months of his doing NOTHING, she suggested he take some time to address his addiction to electronics, think about his future and call her to set an appointment when he was more motivated. Of course--that will never happen.
I agree that doing anything in haste would be detrimental. That said, DH and I have had talks ad nauseum with him over the last 2 years and the results are always the same --NIL.
The key will be MY taking a stand for me and not allowing myself to continue sacrificing my own well being (including my mental health) for a kid that is so resistant and lazy. Otherwise this could go on until my dying day, and quite frankly, enough is enough.
I plan on discussing OUR plans further with DH and see where his head REALLY is, what he's prepared to do in a few short months and if he "hears" my need for a significant break from SS. THAT will be the telltale.
Welcome to the site!
Sorry to hear you are feeling so desperate - understandable why, though. You've had a lot of loss, lately, and being the carer for an elderly parent is a big job. I do think you need to tell your DH how you are feeling - he may not realise that you're completely at the end of your rope. If you want to stay together, the two of you need to formulate a plan for making your life easier, including not dealing with your SS any more, beyond graduation. If your DH doesn't want to co-operate with you in this, then I think that, bearing in mind you own your house, and the effect on your mental and physical health if you do nothing. you should look at him and his son moving out.
I agree that you and your
I agree that you and your husband need to talk with your SS to gently let him know that he needs work on becoming a "self sufficient" adult "for his own sake". Explain that he has this many weeks to find an apartment, etc. If he's mentally ill and truly can't function on a job, you should find out if he can get on social security due to his severe mental heath issues. It can be done, but will take psychiatrist records and time. Again, how much you love your husband will dictate whether or not you'll stick it out. Not judging by any means. Hang in there.
Talks Ad Nauseum
DH and I have been marching to the beat of "by graduation" he should have plans in place (continue his education, enter work force, attend Job Corps, any other options) so that immediately upon graduation he knows what his next steps are. We've been very clear that he can't live here and do nothing, be nothing.
Yet still, he half asses even his feeblest attempts, continually changes his mind about what he wants to do, and every idea he has involves his continuing to live here. That would be livable for me if only he actually exhibited SOME level of real responsibility and interest in anything other than electronics.
That will never happen, and I can't endure the insanity until, if ever, it one day does. Five years of this kid FULL TIME and 6 YEARS of him EVERY weekend has shown me all I care to see.
Validating!
Thank you, Kes. Yes, life has been very, very difficult, immensely sad and extremely stressful.
I don't know what my husband will actually do when push comes to shove. But there will be a shove, to be sure!
I've always advocated for the children--for anyone's children for that matter--making them a priority. But at what cost??? From a financial as well as an emotional and relational expense ?? There comes a point where enough is really more than enough.
If I'm guilty of anything --besides taking on responsibility I don't own to the inth degree, I'm Only Human. For my own sake, for my mother's best care, I HAVE to draw a hard line.
You know what you have to do
It sounds like you already have a plan. I think you wrote to us to give you validation that you are doing the right thing. In my opinion you are. You have been a gracious person for allowing him to live in your house but feel unjustified guilt. Think of the gift you are giving to him by assisting him into adulthood.
Think back to when you were officially an adult. If you chose to go to college the exit from your family home was delayed. If you were working you made plans to move on with an independent life. It was simply part of growing up. If living alone is too traumatic for SS he can 'transition' into a boarding house or a 'community' type of apartment.
Your marriage is top priority. If your DH can not honor this, perhaps he can rent an apartment and live with SS.
Insightful!
Thanks for your feedback, Sandye21.
"I" have a plan, true. Not sure SS really does or that he'll execute on any "plan" discussed so far. A short time from now will certainly tell.
I do feel a twinge of guilt! I don't want to seem cold or insensitive to SS, but am exasperated in my steady efforts for the last 10 years to help him (5 of those have been on a full time basis). He's had so many needs to attend to. From trying to understand and consult with doctors on Auspergers, therapy, getting him integrated into a new school system when he totally lacked ANY social skills, stepping in when he experienced a bully at school, helping to guide him into martial arts, a youth group, dealing with his obsession to electronics and gaming (which was permitted and encouraged at his mothers because she was ill and that was easiest), while there he had no expectations, no responsibilities and no accountability for anything and no parenting..A sad situation all around.
I and husband tried to do what was best for him. H would give in, while I tried to stand the ground, believing it would be best for him eventually if he could learn to self-regulate his gaming addiction, learn study skills, and become responsible. It's all a slippery slope, especially during the unfortunate circumstances that surrounded my family when he moved here to live with us on a full time basis instead of only being here every weekend. (The matter which was problematic enough for me)
I'm tapped out with him and his continual inaction and strong desire to do literally nothing. If he can't make a timely turn around, he and Dad can go make it on their own, or he can opt to live elsewhere. That's where I'm at now.
Appreciate your validation!
Your home, you have the right
Your home, you have the right to veto an adult skid living in your home.
Parents, even parents of spectrum children, have to manage the raising of their children to create viable contributing independent adults. At least as independent as they can be. That means that even if SS can never live independenty he transitions to a group home and has as normal a life as he can. There are plenty of state resources for developmentally challenged people that SS can be put into contact with to prevent him from wearing out your furniture as an adult.
Your DH should have this as his goal as a father to SS. If he won't demand and inforce SS to perform at a high functioning level he should require that SS integrate into a group home community.
When I owned and ran my own company I had several employees who were in a state run group home. They were some of my most reliable employees and did a great job. They ranged in age from early 20s to middle aged.
Group Home
I appreciate your feedback and suggestion. Thank you.
I'm not aware of any group homes but will look into it. I'm sure Husband won't approve of that, (he has his ego to maintain and would likely feel as a failure if his son didn't push himself to do more, to be more).
Seems it's rare for those with Auspergers (high functioning) to drive, graduate college, retain gainful employment? Not impossible, but the odds seem statistically stacked against him despite our best efforts over the years.
Whether that's true or not, I can't live with him much longer. It's way too draining!
I would recommend researching
I would recommend researching having your special needs adult SS made a ward of the State. They have managed and supervised group home programs that do life skills training, do work skills training, facilitate getting them back and forth from work to the group home, etc.... This gives these special needs young adults a life of their own, friends that they live with, and the ability to earn money with a job.
I would research what State organizations manage these programs in your state and start planting a bug in your DH's ear about SS launching and having a life of his own.... so you and DH can have a life of your own.
Residents can have regular home visits to their family and friends, family and friends can visit, and they have lifetime care, housing, medical, and support. I employed several group home residents when I owned and operated restaurants in my first career. I had access to the counselors and residence managers who worked closely with me in working with the group home residents, setting their work schedules, and when necessary, address behavioral instability problems. They would work with the docs and therapists that my employees worked with to address changes to meds, or focused therapy to keep them between the lines at work.
They were very good workers and had active lives.
You sound like an amazing
You sound like an amazing woman and your husband needs a wake up call.
Your SS would probably be much better off and higher functioning if not for your husbands enabling. "I've seen him be wishy washy over and over again with disciplining SS, caving in on his word, giving in time and time again." <-----This RUINS all kids whether autistic or not. This is your husband's job problem now. You have done so much already.
If it were me, I would probably be done and out of there. You only have one life. We raise our kids the best we can to push them out of the nest. If your SS were your biological child, I guarantee this issue would not be so huge. He'd be well on a good path into adulthood. Keep your amazing, good mama head UP and take control of YOUR life and happiness.
Thank you!
I appreciate your kind words and support.
Undoubtedly, I've perhaps tried to do too much over the years. I felt sorry for SS, coming here with having had no real parenting at BMs, he and so sister were like feral animals--free to do whatever they wanted, when they wanted, no guidance, no parenting, just their basic needs were met (food, clothing, shelter). Everything about the kids was kept a secret from DH, including when BM was diagnosed as terminal and placed on hospice care. Such a sad, sad dysfunctional situation all the way around.
I could tell from having the kids every weekend there were enormous issues! SD came to live with us first and was here for 3 years before she exited because she didn't like the rules. Turns out after psychological testing she was determined to be a sociopath. (Manipulative, habitual liar, a total liability all the way around).
When she left, I felt like an enormous weight had been lifted!
SS is actually a good person, good intentions, just extremely lazy and unmotivated. He was raised to believe he was severely disabled, (by BM), but we observed he had tremendous potential, and merely needed someone to help set him on the right path, boost his confidence, etc.
No, in the end, it seems he'd prefer a perceived easier life--doing nothing but gaming and laying in bed all day. I've never seen anything like it. And if I'm taken seriously, I won't have to see that image again after he graduates!
Welcome
So very sorry to hear about your string of tragedies and losses. I've lost 2 senior dogs and man, is that ever a tough pain to conquer. I'm not minimizing your human loss, it's just a different kind of greif than that of a beloved pet you've cared for day in and day out.
Mostly I'm sorry for you because of this SS situation. Does he have a mother? Can she be counted on to help in any way possible? He needs to have life skills training. Is there a life skills teacher, or network in your area? There are many students who are SPED and are functioning out in society and supporting themselves. I think of 2 local bus boys who've been at a local restaurant for almost 20 years now. They take public transportation to and from work. One has Asperger's and I'm not sure what effects the other, but my point is, MANY people who have less than ideal conditions and circumstances launch IF THEY WANT TO, and IF THEY ARE EXPECTED TO.
I'm wondering since you dated your DH for 10 years and only recently married, knowing about this man-boy, WHY did you marry him? It seems like you were doing just fine on your own.
Also, you've poured way too much of yourself into this person who obviously doesn't give a hoot about you or his dad. HE IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. You need time to care for your elderly mother and properly grieve your losses. Regarding the loss of your pet, I recommend journaling and have the titles of several pet bereavement books. If you're interested, just drop me a message.
Good luck!
Grief Colored Glasses
Hi, MissTexas.
You ask an important question. "WHY did you marry him?"
My head was in a different place a year before our wedding. You might say I was looking at life through "grief colored glasses". I'd been watching my small family of origin exit this world before my very eyes. I made a decision to retire early, focus on my mom, enjoy whatever remaining time we have left and move forward in life with a sense of confidence in all the decisions and life-changing moves I was making. I love DH, and am grateful for all his support throughout my life's' serious losses. I appreciate a great deal about him. He's not perfect, of course. I've never met anyone who is. (Including myself). I don't regret the marriage.
What I don't want is a lifelong live-in SS. I want him to be self-sufficient and independent because at the end of the day, that's best for him. Anything can happen and life changes in a heartbeat, and what would become of him if his father were to pass away? His BM is deceased.
At this time in my life, I have far less tolerance for laziness and resistance from SS to do what he needs to do to help himself going forward. I care about him and his well being, but am realizing I can't take responsibility for him, and additionally, I'm acutely aware of what I need and it's clashing in a big way with this kids' lifestyle. Perhaps because I'm home 24/7 and soon, he'll be here 24/7 too (minus the few hours he works part-time). THAT sets me into an almost panic!
To be sure, I will get the break I need. What will that look like and what will that mean exactly? I'm not certain right now.
And I ageee with you, pet loss is different from human loss. For me, right now, it's the totality of all those significant losses that weigh heavy on my heart, and watching my mothers' decline throws me into anticipatory grief that I can hardly bear.
Thanks for reaching out.
Your Story mirrors mine !
Wow your story mirrors mine so much! I'm so glad you came to this group as it makes me feel so much more human now! I am relatively new to my marriage (2 years this July) and we dated 5 years prior to marrying. I have no children and he has one 27 year old daughter that is wonderfully married and a Occupational Therapist. My other SD is 24, diagnosed with ADHD and High Functioning Autism. She graduated from high school and an occupational school and for the last two years has done absolutely nothing beyond working during the month of December as a Santa's Help Part Time for Cabela's. She stays with us about half of the year and her mother the other half. When we were dating she stayed with us very infrequently but as soon as she found out about our marriage (another story that's not worth retelling here) she decided that it was ok to live with us part time of which I wasn't asked nor had any input. I can tell you it chaps my rear every morning when I get up and go to work and she and her father are still in their beds sleeping comfortably. As well, when I come home and there's nothing done in the house nor any future job opportunities on the horizon because of the lack of looking. I've given numerous bits of advice on how to search for job opportunties or at least find outside sources of activities to get her out of the house (My occupation as an HR Director I feel gives me an upper hand in that department) but if it's ever pushed, she pitches a fit and storms to mommies. You see her mother doesn't want her to be anything nor do any chores at home. For the life of me, I can't understand why. Daddy doesn't like his grown princess to be out of his life for more than a few days (this wasn't the case before we married) so he has pretty much quit pushing or suggesting that she do anything. He's very content with her playing house with him during the day and even the evening for that matter. He's a international freight pilot, so he's at home for 2 weeks and gone 2 weeks. The 2 weeks he's at home is her and his time. I've tried to just ignore her laziness thinking it doesn't directly affect me..but I feel such resentment that she's living the easy life while he and I are contributing members of society. I really have no patience for anyone that's physically and mentally capable of making something of themselves and chooses not to. She too is addicted to her computer and stays in her undies or pj's pretty much all day. He and I can't have adult conversations when I get home without her being right in the middle, no intemacy with her right there and I contantly hear how much he loves her.
My point is you're completely correct in what you're expecting !
Welcome..Ooops! Ouija Board Message Moment
Sorry...duplicated message.