So frustrated and stressed out
Hi, I'm completely new at this and not sure if this is the right place to post or be at, but I just need advice or someone to talk to.
To tell a little bit about the background story, my fiance and I have been together for almost 3 years now. I met him after they were already separated for about a year or two. His ex-wife has been crazy the whole time I've known her. Long story short, we're set to be married next year. We've been holding off on telling his son (he's almost 7) because we know the ex-wife will go berzerk. We finally decided to tell him just to get it done and over with before the wedding, so that hopefully the dust will settle and the ex will be done blowing up at us. My fiance (I'm sorry I don't know all the short term letters everyone is using) took his son out for dinner, just the two of them so that his son wouldn't be overwhelmed, and explained everything to him. His son didn't ask many questions about it, but did mention what his mom was saying to him at her place. My fiance did mention that he'd still be his dad, his mom would be his mom, and that *insert my name here* would be *insert my name here*, and that nothing would change. The whole weekend went great and normal. His son played with me as normal (he's pretty attached to me) and slept fine (other than having a cold). Just recently we got messages from the ex that his son is confused about the whole situation, worried, and didn't sleep last night. That he's worried his mom won't be his mom anymore. He was perfectly fine with us, we had a great weekend just being together and playing with his toys in the dirt. I'm not sure if she's saying things to him that is worrying him? I'm so stressed out and frustrated about this, it's affecting both mine and my fiance's health from her constantly accusing us of confusing this child.
As an exiting note, I have no contact with her unless I go to his events. We don't have each other's numbers or email addresses. All the communication is between my fiance and her. Any advice, or just someone to talk to would be great. 
My guess is that the mother
My guess is that the mother is filling the kids head with the idea of not being his mom anymore. Unfortunately, it is all too common. A new girlfriend or wife causes the biomom to go crazy.
All you can do is continue to stress to your future stepson what you have already told him and continue to care for him. You can't control his mother.
She is just trying to make
She is just trying to make any part of your relationship about her.
Send her one simple text back that states "This subject was already covered with (insert kids name here) and roles were clearly defined. Thank you for your concern but it has already been handled."
On a bet, the kid isn't having any issues. BM is having issues. Ignore anything after the text message. When the kid comes back, have dad reiterate ONE more time, "Nothing changes buddy except SM's last name"
I'm sure it is just her
I'm sure it is just her filling his head with things (as she usually does). She's already told him that he's not allowed to love me, or call anyone else beautiful but her. SS tells me that his mom still says mean things about me. She told my SO (significant other?) that he's back in counselling this morning because of this because he's so confused. I feel so sorry for my SS that he has to go through this. We try to be as normal as a family possibly can so that he isn't affected by this kind of behavior from her. We don't dwell on negative things and we try to be positive and give him the majority of our attention when he's with us, as from what he says, his mom just sends him outside to play by himself, or just sits him in front of a tv all day. Now I don't know how much is true, as he is 6 and I'm sure most kids tell tails, but it's getting very bothersome.
Because your skid went back
Because your skid went back to BM and told her that you're getting married so BM started putting things in his head about how you're trying to take him away from her, you're going to try replacing her as his mother, etc. Classic BM PAS move.
In my experience with my
In my experience with my kids, all boys, when I got divorced from their father they were 2, 7, and 10. Not even the two year old was confused. He's still my dad, she's still my mom. They both love us, they don't love each other any more. They never stayed up all night long and worried that either would be replaced. When the ex remarried they didn't worry about that either. She is my dads wife, my stepmom. My mom is still my mom.
No they never call her mom, but she is good to them when they are over there. I appreciate that from her. When I remarried 2 years ago they were 7, 12, 15, still no confusion, no worries. Their dad met him, told him the same thing I told his new wife, we won't have any problems as long as my kids are not mistreated. There has never been any problems...from my side, his ex on the other hand could be your SS BM's twin sister. After I met his kids for the first time Inbred called yelling and screaming saying SS7 feels like you have abandoned him and now he's in therapy. How a 7 year old could feel like by meeting me one time for a dinner is beyond my comprehention. Fact is, it is the mother. She most likely thought that he would eventually come running back to the mother of his child and you were just a phase. Now she's going to be pulling some major bullshit with yall. Be prepared. She may even try to turn SS against you as so many bat shit crazy BM's do. I hope everything works out and you have a fairytale wedding with him. Good luck.
I'm bracing myself for a
I'm bracing myself for a storm with her. Like I said, since I've known her, she's been causing trouble. She lays the guilt trip on my SO all the time, saying how he left his family and that he should just stay away from his son. He didn't leave his family, he left her (and for a good reason). The things that come through his phone (she texts him everything) is unreal. He has a health condition and needs to keep his stress down so his blood pressure stays down, I feel like she's trying to put him in a grave. She keeps putting SS in counseling and saying he's always so confused and worried, but yet when he's with us, he's completely normal and expresses no concern what-so-ever about the situation. We never say anything bad about her when he's around or anything. I don't think she can turn SS against me, as he slowly seems to be figuring things out and seems to be pretty close to me. I really hope she doesn't turn him against me. He's already asked his dad if he's 'allowed to love anyone he wants, and if love has no rules'. I'm so worried about that little boy, it breaks my heart knowing what she's doing to his mind.
I found this at the library,
I found this at the library, I'm going to pick it up today and bring it home for a bit.
Thank you.
Kids are smarter than we
Kids are smarter than we think. They know the deal and what's going on. They may not fully understand the dynamics but when it comes to the basics of mum and dad are not together anymore, dad's new wife is not my mum and mum's new husbamnd is not my dad - I reckon they pretty much get that.
It's adults who then come in and confuse them to get their own agendas through.
BM is causing the issue,
BM is causing the issue, anything to get attention from your fiance, been there where you are now.
my BM threw herself to the floor screaming "I don't want her to be the SM" when SS texted her "dad got in gajed" <<< lol, thats how he spelled it!
She has been over stepping her bounds trying to engage DH every day since...
I wish you luck my dear
I know we should not stress
I know we should not stress about it but that's definitely easier said than done. I try to focus on the positives that are going on, but when you're DF is getting nasty texts from her it's hard not thinking about it. We have SS every second weekend, so it equals out to about 4 days a month.
SS is definitely a smart kid.
SS is definitely a smart kid. I'm hoping he'll figure everything out on his own. We try to encourage him to be himself and think for himself, but it feels like she's trying to keep him a baby. Perhaps so that he doesn't get independent and still needs her? SS has mentioned to us that his mom's friend says that SS doesn't have to go see his dad anymore. When DF told BM this, she immediately wigged out and said its untrue and that SS says we're lying. I don't know if SS is telling her things to make her happy, or if she's lying about everything. I guess it will all come out in time, but until then it's a gong show.