Opinions on Skid calling you mom or dad?
Yes some of you have seen me post and one just yesterday. This had been on my mind for several weeks now. I want to know if anyone has had experience with this? Future SS8 has been calling my mom, momma, mommy, randomly here and there. Yes my SO knows about it, we do not live together yet and the BM left years ago.
First time it happened, I was in shock literally. He was just waking up in his bedroom as I was getting up to as I walked by he was said help me out of bed. I kinda just looked at him and said you are old enough to get out of bed on your own, you are being silly. I turned to walk away and was out of the room at this point when he yelled momma. I froze for a second turned around and just picked him up and carried him for a little and put him down. He has said it a few more times since that. Neither I or my SO have ever said anything to him regarding the MOM title.
Literally he just said it this was all on his own, SO was just as surprised as I was. At this point I have not made a big deal about him saying it and I also have not said I am not your mom either, I just let is slide for now. SO thinks it is great that his son is already starting to care for me like that and I care for him too. Yes I know it is soon, I get that. Again I will state this very clear, no one in the entire family has said anything to him about me being his mom.
Anyway I want to know if anyone one here has ever experienced that and what they did?
Who said I was parenting the
Who said I was parenting the kid in that moment or at all. I woke up saw him awake in his room cause I have to walk by it when I go down stairs. I said good morning. I am not just going to walk by and act like he does not exist.
Ok I see what you are saying.
Ok I see what you are saying. He gets that I am not he mom. At Thanksgiving my family and my SO we were all joking about be becoming a stepmom and blah blah blah all was good and they were teasing me for fun. SS8 walked up heard part of the conversation and he said not my mom yet. So he gets it he is a really smart kid. I am afraid if I say to him I am not your mom, or make a big deal about it or tell him not to call me that, he knows I am not, it may make our relationship not be as good.
Your opinion should I really tell this little boy who really wants a mom, do not call me that?
I like what you have to say
I like what you have to say on this. I truly think your words are from a good place. You are right, I am his friend right now. SO and I live an hour apart, I am not there every weekend, I am not around all the time.
SO and I our pretty serious. We have begun the search for a place for us to live in the middle of where he lives and where I live. His son knows this we have not kept it from him at all. He is really excited about it, and mentions it all the time when I am there. Trust me I in no way want to be another "mother" that leaves him. I gave it a lot of thought before I met him. I still give it a lot of thought. SO and I have talked about it.
I have no idea, in that
I have no idea, in that moment it felt like the right thing to do. I honestly think that I was in slight shock. I have never had anyone call me momma before. I felt like I shouldn't ignore it either. I was really surprised.
LOL, I totally agree with you
LOL, I totally agree with you on this. His grandparents, and his aunt spoil the crap out of him. Give him like anything he wants all the time, like literally. One time I was there he wanted to bounce this ball against the wall in the garage, so he asked his grandmother to move her car so he could. His dad and I both look at him like what......his dad said no not happening, he looked at me and I said I agree with your dad. So he goes back outside, we go upstairs for like 5 minutes cause I am packing up my stuff, come down grandmother moved her car.
The grandparents literally ignore when he says no. Hence the move.
I do not have kids of my own
I do not have kids of my own but I really do agree. So far he just has the attitude sometimes that he is entitled to things but for the most part he is pretty good kid.
Grandmother recently retired and grandfather has been since SS was born. They bought a house in FL and are moving down there permanently soon. They are putting their current house on the market end of March. I lucked out with that.
I honestly think that is what
I honestly think that is what it comes down to. He wants what majority of his friends have a dad and a mom. I struggle with what I should do and how I should act or even say. I see what he wants an how he acts, it breaks my heart a little truthfully. There are a lot of times that he will hug me when I leave or he says goodnight that he will hold on really tight and when I let go he will dangle on me. I promise to everyone here I have done nothing to encourage this. I do not give into it when he does it. I say ok let go, stop go to bed or I have to go you need to let go.
I'm against it. My SS refers
I'm against it. My SS refers to me as "mom" to his teacher, my bs1 and his peers but calls me by my nickname when talking directly to me. His mother would cause huge problems if SS ever decided to call me "mom." I wouldn't want to encourage him to upset his mother.
Mom is not around at all, has
Mom is not around at all, has not been for 4 years. Before that is was here and there randomly. I think mostly birthdays.
I've always told the kids
I've always told the kids they can call me what they want/feel is right as long as it's respectful. Before we got married they always called me Peri. The fact that your future SS is calling you Mom before you're even engaged is a bit of a red flag to me. (Edit to add: On second read you may actually be engaged and I missed it, but it's still really early in your relationship for the Mom name.) Especially since BM is currently MIA. And it sounds more like manipulation from him than true feelings.
Right now both call me Mom or MomPeri. SD11 just this year has started slipping in a plain Peri and giving me sidelong looks, like she's worried she'll get in trouble. At first I just reassured her that she can call me what she wants and moved on. Now I don't even acknowledge the change, I just respond to Peri as though she's always called me that. SD11 has been getting closer to her mom and they've been doing a lot of things together recently. Salons, dance classes, gardening etc. SS10 still refers to me as Mom and often calls himself one of my boys. (I do always refer to BM as your mom and never by her name.)
Thanks. Generally majority of
Thanks. Generally majority of the time he calls be by my name. No we are not officially engaged we are waiting until we move in but he has mentioned it around my family, his family asks about it too. We both have agreed to it and have looked at rings. So yeah I would say practically there. I thought it was early too considering I am not around like all the time. Usually every other weekend for the whole weekend, I have two pets so I can not leave more than that. We live an hour apart. Yes SO does come to see me and spend time with me.
If you aren't even engaged
If you aren't even engaged then why in the world would you let a child call you mom??! Surely as an adult you can see where the issue with that is.
Edited to add: even if you are married and you haven't adopted the child, said kid shouldn't be calling you mom.
I did not tell him to call me
I did not tell him to call me that. As an adult I want to make sure I am doing the right thing by this little boy hence getting some advice on the situation.
By the way is it wrong for my cousin to call her bio-dad and stepdad both "DAD". She has since she was 2. Is it wrong for me to refer to my stepdad as dad and biodad as an "axx"? My aunt has a stepson she helped raise since he was I think like 4 or 5 maybe a little older and he calls her mom and has for 40 years. Is that wrong too? No adoption in any of these cases just support loving adults in their lives.
Look at it ths way. Just
Look at it ths way. Just because BM is not currently on the scene does not mean she will not reappear when she chooses to. When she finds her son calling someone else Mom, that could cause him trouble with her. I think it's important for him to realise that you are truly NOT his mother even if you are on good terms. Better to establish another name for him to call you.
I get what you are saying but
I get what you are saying but she can not just reappear when she wants. No she did not terminate rights but she has to get my SO approval before she has any contact with the son. I know she can get this changed and get lawyer and have all the documents written up differently.
Literally this is just a thought but do you think a BM looses the right to get upset at another woman taking part in her sons life after she is the one that chose to leave and has chosen not to have any contact? I think if she is the type to get upset she will do so even if he just calls me by my name. My SO never denied her to the supervised visits, she chose to stay away and start a whole family with out soon to be SS8 in it. Just a question not saying I am right but I am just honestly curious your thought?
Ashmar, Only BM can answer
Ashmar,
Only BM can answer your question about how she feels, or about all the reasons why a woman would walk away from her young son. It is so,easy to villify someone who walks away. You likely do not know both sides of the story, but it could be that fighting your DH for custody was either not financially possible for her, or she was not emotionally equipped to handle it, or perhaps she genuinely thought that in the end, it would be best for SS to be with his father.
All I know is, the bond between mother and child can become distant, but it never negates the fact that she is his mother. The term Mom implies that. I went ballistic when my ex's second wife (who did not raise my kids) started referring to them as "her sons" on social media. Nice to know someone cares about them, but they are NOT her sons and they only ever visit her home as guests. I got a right bollocking on here for calling her a "childless woman" since that part is not a fault...however, her belief that she can inherit motherhood because the real mother is at a distance, is a bit wonky.
Here's an example. I recently visited my 30 year old son in his own home. On the coffee table was a birthday card from Wannabe Mom which she had signed "with love from Mom and Dad". It gradually dawned on me where it was from and I said wow that's not my writing!! My son's GF started laughing and said yeah that one confused us when it arrived! She said they left it out to give me a laugh. Second wife definitely not doing herself any good with that kind of,presumptuous behaviour. I think my ex would be horrified if he knew, but son had decided to not say anything. We may be divorced and live far apart, but these will always be OUR kids.
I think as your SS reaches adulthood, he may seek to know his mother again. She may tell him the truth about why she relinquished custody. Or she may apologise and be grateful you stepped into the void. In any case, you likely will fare better in the long term if you differentiate yourself as Momma Ashmar.
The part you have mixed up is the difference between your "taking part in his life" and him actually growing up,calling you Mom.
Just curious why does it
Just curious why does it drive you insane that they call you "mom". Is it just because it is confusing or you just don't like it? The BM in my situation is never around and I honestly do not think she will be. I maybe wrong she hasn't tried in 4 years and at least one more kid, they think two cause my SO's mom has heard from like people that know them and her.
^^ this. i am not their
i am not their mother and i dont want to be called mom by any of them. i would hate others in public thinking they are my children. they are rude, ill mannered products of being raised by their own mother. a disgrace. one sd dresses likea hooker. i dont want her calling me mom.
I was the first person my
I was the first person my SS-24 ever called "Dad(dy)". H was less than 2yo at the time. That is what I am. His dad. Far more than his SpermIdiot ever has been or ever will be. A year and a half ago he asked me to adopt him. Since he was 23 at the time there was no need for the SpermClan to approve. We made it happen. So, now we have paperws formalizing the relationship that we have always had and he has our family name. This is the first time in their lives that my DW and SS have had the same family name.
So, if you and the Skid are comfortable then go for it. If you aren't, then you inform the SKId of what you will be called.
Pretty simple. Or at least it should be IMHO.
Good luck.
Thank you. I think you are
Thank you. I think you are truly one of the supportive people on here. I can honestly say from experience and seeing people in my own family that just because you donated sperm or gave birth does not make you a parent by any means. I do not believe it makes you a mother or a father. There are many many women in this world that give birth to children every day that feel no emotional connection to that child. Same for men they feel nothing for that child that has half their DNA.
I think people on here would never tell an adoptive parent that is not your kid. I am not saying he is mine or any of that. I have no idea what will evolve. I can honestly say I will let him call me whatever he wants. I think he says it now to test it out and for fun. My SO is totally ok with everything.
I do not know what the future holds but I has a parent who was crappy and really sucked, still does I do not talk to him. My stepdad is my dad, he did not enter my life until I was 15. He has been an amazing person in my life. I honestly say I can hope that I can do for this little boy what my "dad" did for me. He was there for me, supported me, taught me to drive, and I will forever be grateful to him. I just want to take the love and kindness he showed to me, my mother, and my brother and pass it on to my SO and his son. I know what it is like to have a bio-parent be absent from you life.
BM is currently not in the
BM is currently not in the picture, the kid is 8.... he's trying to be in with his friends, remember all his friends talks about my Mum... SS can't say that..... put yourself in his shoes for a while and you will realize, he's just calling you that, not because he sees you as a mum, it makes his little life easier amongst his friends.
The first time he called you, was manipulation lol.... or maybe he just needed a little cuddle and wanted some attention.
I suggest you correct him every time, get a nick name... Nonna, Nanna, Ma (Afrikaans for Mum)Nanay - Indonesian for Mum...
but Mother is a woman who gave birth to a child and you did not give birth to this child, BM can be back at any time of her life, if she's still alive and then things will be terrible if he calls you Mum
He does not refer to me as
He does not refer to me as mom among his friends, he calls me by my name, daddy's friend, or daddy's girlfriend.
this is tough. i think it
this is tough. i think it really depends on the situation. i am a cod, both my parents remarried. my dad was custodial, mom had random sporadic visitation. my sm is also my mom, my brother and i always called her mom, ever since the age of 5. she filled the mom role in every sense of the word. and my sister (step-sis) called my father 'dad'.
my (bio)mom's husband is first name only. we'd hang out and have fun, but he never had the father role.
the boys refer to me by first name, or if talking about me they will say "my stepmom" or "my parents" (which i like, as opposed to the more formal "stepmother" or "daddy and his wife".) when dh and i married, dumb@$$ still had primary physical custody so from that young age not only was she biologically the mom, she also filled the mom role. not me. so i'm "tuff" or "stepmom" and have remained so - since when dh got full custody we were already set in our relationships with eachother. i will call them "son" and say things like "you know i love ya!" but they know who their mom is.
my brother's ss calls him "dad". he is the dad of the house and ss acknowledges with much love and affection that my bro fills that role. his bio-father is very distant and will only see ss once or twice a year.
we would have been devastated if my sm had said "i am NOT your mother, you are to refer to me as 'first name'." i also know that if my brother's ss only called him by his first name he'd be totally cool with that too. and OMG if i'd ever referred to my mom's husband as "dad" he's have been SOOOO uncomfortable!
there's really so many variables that go into it, it's impossible to have a hard-and-fast rule.
I am so glad someone on here
I am so glad someone on here has all this blended family background. Thank you so much for just giving all the different scenarios. This truly is insightful.
Not on your life. If they
Not on your life. If they were MY children, they would be clean (PigPen), civil (PrincASS), and doing chores around the house/yard. Not whiny snots who spend their hours gaming.
All of us here have 'this
All of us here have 'this blended family background" experience with our husbands or wives. It can be difficult depending on the x spouse.
BUT:
Your boyfriends children have a bio mom. That is whom they should call MOM. Not you. She may not be the perfect mother or maybe she is. Don't know and it does not matter what she is. Why do you want to take on that role by allowing yourself to be identified that way. Your in control since you are the adult.
IF not biological, if and only if an adult is ready to take on full financial responsibility of another persons child should they then take on the name Mom or Dad. Adoption would be an example of accepted name calling change. Even then my opinion is the Mom or Dad should remain with those who conceived the child.
I would be very VERY cautious to have anyone call me MOM unless I gave birth. My bio sons know this too. NO WAY, no way, NO way never ever let another mans or woman's child call you dad/mom.
Did you know Ashmar:
Currently, the federal Divorce Act (Canada) defines a child of the marriage (a child eligible to receive child support) as a child of two spouses or former spouses, and includes "any child of whom one is the parent and for whom the other stands in the place of a parent."
Also
Delaware Annotated Code Section 13, Chapter 5 section 501(b): "Where the parents are unable to provide a minor child's minimum needs, a step-parent or a person who cohabits in the relationship of husband and wife with the parent of a minor child shall be under a duty to provide those needs. Such duty shall exist only while the child makes residence with such step-parent or person and the marriage or cohabitation continues."
Other states that have statutes requiring a step-parent to support a step-child during the marriage include: Iowa, Kentucky, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, Utah, Washington, Maine, Missouri, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Oklahoma, Oregon, South Dakota, and Vermont.
So have at it ASHMAR, allow them to call you Mom when you get married it's totally UP to you.
I much rather say the following to avoid any misunderstanding OR suggestion that I am a bio parent when I am not.
"Little Johnny, cutie pie--you have a mommy but you can call me Ashmar. LETS go get ice-cream".
My SO and BM were never
My SO and BM were never married and ended before the child was even born. I like what you said and thank you for giving some of the legal information in there as well. I see in other states my is not listed there that upon living with my SO and marrying him I would be responsible for his child. I am ok with that, I knew this before I even began dating him what his situation was.
Yes he has a BM but he literally has no idea who she is, he does not remember her at all. I can not tell him he has a mommy cause she is literally not around and he currently thinks he does not have one. I cannot say that to him.
I could possibly say hey until your daddy and I are married you should just call me ashmar......
I'm out of this one.
I'm out of this one.
I think the way you should
I think the way you should handle it really depends on what you want out of this relationship. You call him your future stepson, so I assume there's marriage plans or you at least feel like this guy is the one you want to marry. This child of his has no mother figure in his life. By entering into this relationship and marrying him, you are now taking on that role whether you intend to or not. If you spend the rest of your life telling this child "I'm not your mother," that will only send a message to him that you don't care about him and will ultimately lead to resentment. If that's not a role you want to take on, then you shouldn't be with a man who has a child on a full-time basis.
Maybe what you should do is sit down with him and your SO and have a talk. Make sure he understands that you are not his biological mom (explain what that is if he doesn't know). If you're okay with it and he still wants to call you mom, then let it go. There's nothing wrong with it as long as he's not just doing it to manipulate you.
My fiance has a dad and a stepdad, and he's always called his stepdad "dad." His stepdad played a bigger role in his life and always felt like more of a father to him than his real dad, but he has a relationship with them both. Just by being there, you are already taking on a bigger role than the child's mom is and it should come as no surprise to anyone that he calls you mom.
If you don't feel like this is a long-term relationship, then the "mom" thing should've been stopped the minute it happened. You shouldn't play that big of a role in the child's life unless you plan to be in it for the long haul.
WOW, Thank you for this post
WOW, Thank you for this post you have said a lot that has put my mind at ease. I was kind of thinking the same way but just needed some confirmation that I am not doing the wrong thing. Yes I am in it for the long haul there is no question there. Since I posted this we have found a house and if all goes well be moving in a few months. We have discussed marriage many times and both agree that is something that will happen about a year or so from now.
I felt the same way about telling him "I'm not your mother," I am afraid if I do that even now in the beginning too much he will be resentful to me. Also since this post he has called me it again, yes it was cause he wanted me to do something, this time I said no you can do it yourself. He is a great little kid and he bought me a present for Christmas he told me he was excited to give it to me. He picked it out at school all by himself.
I do understand the responsibility that I will be taking on by entering this child's life and believe me I no where near take that lightly. My SO and I talk all the time about how we will handle things moving forward, how involved he wants me to be in the actual care giving and raising the child.
Again thank you so very much your words have truly helped.