Perhaps a compromise would be to suggest your DH take the 11 year olds out somewhere by himself so he can see them? I agree at that age he shouldn't give up on them, but I think maybe subjecting YOU to them is a bit unfair. If he took them out on his own it might help alleviate your "guilt" (doesn't seem to me you have anything to feel guilty for), and help him build a better relationship with them.

I know there are lots of people on this board who take the "we are a team, they have to accept me if they want to see DH" approach, but it sounds like that's not working for you since you feel guilty.

I LOVE it when DH wants to see his kids without me.

Kids don't get asked about visiting the NCP. They do what they are told in compliance with the CO or the CP goes to jail for contempt. Your DH needs to step up, put his foot up his X's ass and against the backsides of all three of his spawn and drag them kicking and screaming for HIS visitation time.

No discussion. Tell or call the police to enforce visitation and immediately file contempt charges.

Zero tolerance, no guilt. No guilt for you or for DH.

If these things are tolerated they just get worse and end up being a life long drain on DH, on you, and on your marriage.

Time to give your clarity that he needs to man up and start an offensive against his X. He needs to counter every lie with facts. Show the girls that he has paid every penny of CS for however many years he has been paying. There is nothing like the clarity of BMs toxic lies that comes when dad sits the girls down and shows them the numbers. $XX,XXX.XX paid over Y years. Every lie, counter with fact, every time. Demonstrating his support and care by giving his girls clarity on the shallow and polluted end of their gene pool is the best thing any parent can do for this kids in a divorce/blended family situation if there is a toxic side to the equation. This arms the Skids with facts they will need to protect themselves from the toxic half of their family for the rest of their lives. Share the Custody/Visitation/Support CO. Share the official CS payment history. Share proof of BM's lies. Nothing goes unchallenged or unclarified.

This is what we were able to do for my Skid. We kept the Sperm Clan under control while he was a kid, we shared the facts with him in an age appropriate manner as he grew up, and now as a self supporting young adult he can effectively deal with his toxic Sperm Clan and their continued manipulative bullshit.

It worked for us.

Good luck.

Rae, you've described three giant jerkfaces. You don't want them in your life, and I can understand why you feel guilty about that...they are your man's children after all!

Now, I'll give you a moment to grieve the loss of your dream of a blended family...and once 60 seconds is over, realize that you've dodged a bullet, girlfriend. Pop open the champagne!!! These jerks flip off dad and wipe poop on your walls. Are you really ready to attempt to "fix" this behavior? Because dad is obviously going to need help fixing it (as he has been unsuccessful at parenting/countering BM's influence even with three opportunities and 17 years).

Maybe they'll be back with apologies when they're 25-30ish; until then, don't waste your emotional and mental energy on people who don't deserve it. You're off the hook...nothing to feel guilty about. Dad effed up by 1) choosing BM to be the mother of his children and 2) not being an effective parent. YOU didn't break this situation, so you have no reason to try to fix it.

Now flee! GO live your life woman! Enjoy your man, be happy and don't get dragged into step hell because of your guilt. You've been given an out! Take it.