Personal Space/Kids in Bedroom
Mr. Kate and I live in a smallish apartment.
It has happened a couple times where his daughter will come to our bedroom to watch TV. After a sleepover with some of her friends resulted in a mess in our bedroom, he told her she was not allowed in the bedroom when friends were over. He must have forgotten this rule, because a few days later he allowed her to begin watching TV in our room with another friend. No mess resulted, they were well-behaved, but I was annoyed that I felt kicked out of my own room for that Saturday afternoon. He looked a little taken aback when I think he realized that I pretty much didn't want her in that room at all, but pretty much went with my wishes.
This past weekend, however, was a different story.
Mr. Kate decides he needs an air conditioner. I don't, but take him for his word that he can't sleep without it, so we purchase one air conditioner and put it in our bedroom.
I'm just falling asleep and in he comes, making a bed for his daughter on the floor. She comes in to lay in it and it takes me about 5 minutes to decide that it is just too weird for me, and I go take the couch in the living room. No attitude from me, no words from him. The next day, however, we have our first substantial fight. He brings it up by apologetically explaining to me that his daughter needs air conditioning and I tell him he should have at least run something like this by me (though I don't think that would have helped). He tells me that between this and my not wanting to watch his daughter while he works on Saturdays, I am forcing him to choose between his daughter and I, and if I make him do that, he will pick her. He also says that things are only going to get worse. That was my favorite part.
I tell him that if his daughter needs air conditioning (she was fine without it all day when its considerably hotter, by the way) he can move the unit to her room and go sleep with her. I ask him if he would be okay bunking with someone else's kid. Lastly I point out that some of his issues (that have nothing to do with his daughter) have me wondering if this relationship is going to last, and so I am reluctant to try to become anymore attached to his daughter because I'm not sure of the stability of our relationship at this point.
Later he comes back to tell me that I was right about everything. I passive-aggressively suggest that I go get a futon for our second bedroom to create a personal space for myself. He told me that was a bad idea (he might be thinking if I get too comfortable, I'll withhold sex on the nights his daughter isn't there...a correct assumption on his part).
To make this fair, I should tell you that I did kind of figure when we bought one air conditioner that this would happen, and I could have addressed it sooner. I should also point out that his daughter apparently has no air conditioning at her mother's house (didn't know that until after the fight), where she sleeps on the couch. I'll admit I could have made the situation better; am I right?
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Comments
Is the air conditioner big
Is the air conditioner big enough to put a fan in the hallway between the rooms and leave the doors open? I've lived in apartments before We had the airconditioner in the front room and placed a fan to blow towards the bedroom, it got cool enough and we lived on the sunniest side of the building on the highest floor. Sounds like his daughter is going to run the show if you continue with this relationship. I wouldn't want a kid bunking in my room either unless there was a valid medical reason to do so and I was consulted a head of time. Maybe he needs a bigger air conditioner or a second unit the child should be in her own room.
My DH and I have a no kid
My DH and I have a no kid rule in our bedroom. It is our space. I was more relaxed about it before we got married. My two daughters and I would hang out in my bedroom and I didn't care if they came in and slept with me once in a while. I have to admit I think this is a different rule for a mom and daughter versus a dad and a daughter. Anyway, DH was not happy with me that I didn't care if they watched TV in our room. But I went with his feelings because it is the adults home and the child doesn't get to decide these things. As a child I was not allowed to play or be in my parents room just to hang out. I think your BF needs to respect your privacy and space issues. It is not your child and you are not a babysitter. He needs to deal with his child with your help if he asks nicely. Put a fan in her space at night. The air conditioner should throw through to the other room. But having her sleep with you isn't okay either in my opinion.
4 months...What I would give
4 months...What I would give to go back to 4 months, if given the chance to go back to 4 months, I would leave. DH took advantage of me watching SS when he went to work. It will get worse.
I could see popping in and
I could see popping in and out of the bedroom if you/SO were in there and the kid needed something, but hanging out and watching TV...um no. The only time I was allowed to watch TV in my mom's room growing up was when she was going to be gone and bro and I were staying home alone. We didn't get along well, and one of us had to have a TV. That was eventually solved by a TV in a different room and then no one was allowed in another's room.
Before me, he sent his
Before me, he sent his daughter to their grandparents when he worked. Thats what I think he should keep doing, at least for now.
WTH. I am not even going to
WTH. I am not even going to even read any other comments. Right now we are FORCED to share a bedroom for one night a week with stepkids because we do not have our own place. However - under no circumstance are the kids allowed on or near our bed. Our big comfy bed is the last place that I can call MY place of rest and seclusion and relaxation. - If they even come near the bed - I yell NO get in your own beds! and my FH also agrees with this. And when we have our own house - they will NOT be permitted in our bedroom at all. They are not my children. They are only my reponsibility IF I say I will watch them. You two have ONLY been together for 4 months and he expects you to watch her Saturday while he is at work? I don't think so babe - she is not your kid - as someone else on this website so cleverly puts it (I used this all the time now) - you did not have the pleasure in making her so WHY should you have to watch her? If you made a whole area for her why is she in your room? Hell - I would make one of those bedrooms hers and that's it. You need to seriously either set boundaries - or head for the hills. I really think that 75% here - if we could go back - if we knew all that we knew now - before we fell in love with these men - and took on this pain of stepkids, exwives, and mother in laws from hell - I think we would all go back and choose another path. What's done is done - and I just read nearly 2 out of 3 marriages that bring in new children - fail. You really need to study this website - and figure out what you want.
How old is she? When my DH
How old is she?
When my DH moved into my 1-bedroom (a long time ago...) SD would sometimes sleep on the floor in our room or even in our bed (she was 4 then). It didn't really bother me, we have a no SD11 in our room now becuz she was also making a mess.
The fan is a good idea, but on a hot night what is the problem. I understand you feel uncomfortable but why?
I think calling this close to co-sleeping is far fetched.Every once in awhile isn't a problem in my book.
How about putting a lock on the door?
She's 10. She doesn't make a
She's 10. She doesn't make a mess (by herself) and we get along just fine, but I grew up in a house where parents' bedroom was off limits for lounging and sleeping. We were welcomed if we had a question, issue, emergency, etc. Likewise, my parents didn't come in my room, either unless I was in trouble. Doors didn't have to be locked-everyone just had their space to go to after work or school, and for the most part we spent our time together in the family rooms and kitchen, anyway. A no-TV/video games in the bedroom policy encouraged this.
There is also this guilty voice in the back of my head that says that her dad and I should have waited to let her see us in bed together longer than we did.
When my sd was 5 we only had
When my sd was 5 we only had a one bedroom apt so we made a pallet for her at the foot of our bed, which was jus a mattress (we were sooo poor back then lol). But she would never sleep IN the bed with us. And we don't have cable because I'm hardly home with work and college and dh doesn't like watching it so we were and are forced to think of creativethings to do and other activities with her. We don't really care if she is in our room because she knows not to mess with anything and usually just pops in if she needs something. 4 months is a really short amount of time... why can't she just have a fan blowing on her..?!
I'm sorry, you guys have been
I'm sorry, you guys have been together for 4 months and he already expect your to just be comfortable and deal with all of this?
NO WAY!!! i get annoyed when i catch the kids watching TV in our room, Its my only space that is mine... they have there own room and a big plasma TV and a computer, why do they need the bed as well.. there is NO WAY i would let them sleep in our room, if she has her own area then she needs to learn to get comfortable with that..
i think you need to sit him and down really be honest and set your rules, its your home and relationship as well, just because he has a daughter he really should be trying to make sure you are OK as well, only being together for such a short time and you are already on the back burner and not making choices as a couple... honestly babe RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!! you guys are still meant to be in your honeymoon stage! looks like he is wanting a live in nanny rather then a partner!
Oh my...this brings back
Oh my...this brings back memories...at 4mos, knowing what I know now, I would say...RUN, RUN, RUN...it WILL get worse...believe me if I could go back in time, I would've left...which BTW, I did TRY and found my own apartment, but DH sold his house and told me that he loved me, blah, blah, blah...things would be different, blah, blah, blah...and guess what? They were NOT different...until only about 2yrs ago, and he still slips sometimes...sigh...if I could be at 4mos today, I would be in whatever country is totally opposite in the world to DH...sigh