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Well, I finally let BM have it....and it felt good! Long post...

lcooper's picture

So, after nearly 4 years of unfair treatment, accusations to my DH, unreasonable demands and verbal abuse, I FINALLY gave BM a piece of my mind. I used no expletives or unfair language at all, I was perfectly reasonable, and I told her exactly what I thought of her in a perfectly reasonable manner. In fact, it was so good, I think a judge would even approve, good thing, because I sent it in an email. So, tonight, my DH was listening to another slew of verbally abusive phone calls from BM, this time over what my previous post you may have seen was about, her sick daughter that she refused to take back home. Well, we did not want to see the poor child suffer, so we have her set up in a room separate from BD with a pallette, but that is somewhat beside the point. During all this, BM sent me an email explaining that DH has never been a good father (so untrue), that he shirks all kinds of responsibilities (he actually keeps them extra time and pays her extra child support), and also proceeded to tell me that she had informed her children that once the twins I'm carrying are born, they will probably not see their father as often. What! Who the bleep does she think she is? She not only upset them unnecessarily by telling them that, but she totally crossed the line. That is OUR business, this is OUR household, and this is OUR time with the kids. I decided then and there that I was going to put a stop to this nicey, nice facade, and so I wrote her an email. I told her that DH never complained to HER when she eloped with a man she just met, which resulted in her children being moved to a towns 45 minutes away from us, just two months after we had moved to be closer to them. This affected them far more than she will ever admit, and STILL she complains to DH constantly over little issues like him being 5 minutes late to pick them up on a Friday night, which, I must mention, is because she has forced us to do all of the transportation both ways since she moved so far away. His job is over 2 hours away from where she moved, and the tiniest bit of traffic and he is going to be late. Anyway, the point is, I FINALLY told her what I thought of her, completely defended my DH and what a good father he is, and told her flat out that we will no longer comply with her unreasonable demands that are not in the best interest of the children, but only her own. I told her that I had intended to never open my mouth about these things, but funny thing about pregnancy, you are suddenly more willing to be honest about things. I had my DH read the whole thing several times before I sent it, and cc:ed him on the email. And though I think he is a bit afraid of the repercussions, I think he was happy that I finally stood up to the b**** after all of these years. I have literally never stood up to her before. So, I will let you know what happens, it may not be good, but we will stand by DH's legal rights with the kids if we have to. She hasn't got a leg to stand on as he has been paying her extra for over a year, and has never missed a time commitment with the children. Well, that's it! Wish me luck on my ballsy move!

Comments

Run 4 the hills's picture

A lot of her behaviours are very similar to our delightful BM. We've had 5 years of it now and this year has been the worst. I have only ever sent her 2 emails, very appropriate and very civil and both in response to continual unreasonableness (to put it mildly) from her. Funnily enough they never get a response and all that happens is she finds a new underhand way to try and cause her shit. And cause it she does! She enlists any family member wiling to believe her lies and creates all kinds of crap for us.

I hope your situation is different but be warned these women are snakes and you should never underestimate the depth of their vengeful feelings and thirst for destruction.

To meet our BM, you would think butter wouldn't melt, apart from the fact she is so cold. She hates us and everything to do with us and has made it her mission to try and break us. She is passive aggressive in the extreme these days bit used to be far more direct in her nastiness.

It is not a healthy environment to be in but in my experience, standing up to them, talking sense, calling them out on their (very premeditated) bad behaviours, writing letters, using court - has NO effect! The only thing htat would make them stop is if YOU weren't in the picture. It is hard because all we do is try and be the best step we can for their kids and that is how we are repaid.

I don't know how to deal with these people, they are unhinged!

Let me know if you have any luck with yours but please watch your back with her she sounds evil. Like me, you must be saddened at the way she uses her kids like pawns in her own selfish game.

x

lcooper's picture

You are problably right, she will just continue on behaving in the same ways that she always has, despite my email finally calling her out (with only factual information mind you), on all of the ways she manipulates her children to get back at their father and I, for what I don't know. She has been ten times worse since I got pregnant, she won't even let the skids mention the existence of their soon to be twin brothers around her because it upsets her. They are excited, and feel guilty for feeling that way, it is sad. But, nevertheless, I think I just really needed to get all that stuff out. I have been reading her verbablly abusive emails to my husband for years, and listening to her tirades on the phone, yes, I can hear her when he talks to her even if the phone is not on speaker. ANd I have just remained silent through it all, never saying a word even when things were so obviously unfair. So, just getting it out was therapeutic, you know what I mean? I don't expect a response, and there may be a bad backlash from it, but honestly, she couldn't get much worse. My DH and I are actually hoping she tries to bring us to court, because if we do things by the book, her child support will be reduced, she will have to share transportation on the weekends, and we will get the skids for complete holidays and not the tiny fractions she allows us. So, she really can't do much more than she has in the past. We'll see, and I'll keep you posted!

Thanks for the support!

Most Evil's picture

I did this too and am still wading thru the fallout. It does feel better to bring the bullsht into the open and clarify that you are not stupid like (my BM) thinks. To me it was also well worth it but I don't know yet how SD feels about me now, we won't see her til New Years (I don't even try to talk to SD on the phone, BM just makes it too difficult so SD/DH talk during the day I think rather than have me/BM chiming in nearby). But DH says, everything is ok, which I find a little hard to believe, but ok.

BM is furious though but like you, what more can she do, ha ha, the whole problem is she is a hazard to her child. But I have told a couple people if something happens to me to look to her, because she is nuts, no really!

I just couldn't go on any more keeping all the ridiculous secrets that were required to 'get along' with BM, so if nothing else that is done. And now it seems better boundaries are set re. their screaming phone calls, etc. It will be ok. But please let us know what happens. and congratulations on your blessings-to-be-!!

Most Evil

Beauty is truth, truth beauty - that is all ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. John Keats