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BM refuses to go see a mediator....

lcooper's picture

Hi, DH and I are trying to get BM to see a mediator with him so that all can avoid court. She not only refuses, but says that she thinks it will not be fair. A neutral party not fair, what? I think she is just afraid of the mediator pointing out all of her mistaken "obligations" she feels DH owes her, none of which are based on law. So, get this, she has said that she and her husband will draft something up, and give it to DH to see if he is agreeable. Oh yea, I'm sure that will be fair. So that you see where she is coming from, these are some of the "issues" that she thinks are "legal obligations" from DH. DH already gives her 50% more CS than what is court ordered, he does this to cover unexpected expenses and such. She says that this is "obligatory", and not only that but it is to cover the back "extra" pay that he owed her, meaning half of extras, not any legal financial obligations. She is also demanding, on top of the child support and the extra, 1/2 of all medical, school supplies, extracurricular activities, camp, college fund, etc.... She is also claiming that DH has a history of "late payments", he has never been more than 2 days late, EVER, in 7 years, she thinks this is considered late. He also covers the kids' medical insurance, which is excellent coverage. Further, she is claiming that he is required to take the kids one day a week, this is not noted anywhere in the divorce decree and we have pointed that out, but she still insists. And on that point, we wanted to have the kids during the week, and moved into the same town to make that happen, two months later, she moved 45 minutes away, and is still complaining about this imagined "obligatory weekday". Other point is transportation, since she has moved, she has made DH drive both ways on Fri. and Sun. to get the kids and bring them back to her. She refuses to meet him halfway, or pick them up or do drop off. She actually thinks she can uphold this legally. She also plans to bring up times when DH did not attend a specific race (his son races GoKarts), DH has gone to every one except one and these are every weekend for about 10 hours. Anyway, she thinks this is a legal obligation as well. The ONLY thing that she may have on him is that he has been unable to take the kids for a full 2 weeks in the summer because he has had jobs with no vacation time and sick days. We have tried to make up for this by taking them for an extra day every weekend in the summer, and on many of the school holidays. I don't really know the legalities of that one, but he wouldn't be able to make child support or any of his other bills if he took 2 straight weeks off with no pay.

Anyway, my question here is, do we just say at this point, fine, let's just go to court. I mean, we have the law on our side here, right? Do we really have anything to worry about, and are we better off just finally trying to make things fair through the courts? What would you do in this situation?

Thanks for advice!

Comments

Colorado Girl's picture

I say let her draft up a proposal. That's a great start and let her make her demands and then you negotiate down from whatever they are.

As far as mediation, in our state it is required you go to mediation first before you ever go to court. It also can not be included in an order that any extra-curricular activities are to be paid for by either parent. And as far as the summer schedule, if you do go to court, I would do one of two things. Either try to find a local daycare with reasonable prices ( a lot of time daycares in the summer have wonderful field trips so they aren't cooped up inside)
OR attempt to allocate throughout the year the weeks that you are not capable of taking them.

You have every right to make your own list of "obligations". Child support is for the children's basic needs and she needs to meet those needs with the amount of money she receives. Not half of their needs. Not only that he needs to quit paying the higher amount because all that is doing is proving to the court that he can afford it. That's just plain silly. I feel for you, BM in my case does the exact same and after a whole slew of "hell nos" to her ridiculous demands, she's finally learning to not even ask.

Your husband needs to quit being her well - he needs to tell her that he's all tapped out.

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."

debiamia's picture

This woman needs to find a new project to work on besides your husband. He is already paying extra and wants even more? I agree that the more they are given the more they expect and demand. SInce we have SD16 with us and are not recieving a dime in CS from the BM she has been demanding more money from DH. SHe sent him a long email today which he retrieved in between flights. SHe wants the abatement stopped, feels she is entitled to the CS even though the kid is living with us. Says she cand her husband can't afford anything anymore and may lose their house.SHe was whining about having to draw money out of DS16's college fund to pay her own bills. Her rationale is that since SD is not doing very well in school here that she won't be going to college and it is OK to use the moneyfor BM bills. I wanted to ask if she has become a drug addict in the last 3 weeks because she was cheap but never strapped for cash before. Her husband is an engineer and they have no house payment.

Anne 8102's picture

I was thinking the same thing! It's just jealousy. They just can't ever let us enjoy a pregnancy or buy something new without thinking we are rolling in cash that should rightfully be spent on her. Sigh. My DH got taken back to court for more CS when his ex found out I was pregnant. (She lost. Her payments actually decreased by half.) Let her offer a proposal, then you can counter-offer. Buy yourselves some precious time. Drag it out. You don't want to be dealing with court during a pregnancy. (Been there, done that, wasn't fun, ended up in the hospital myself.) Your DH's first mistake was paying for anything that wasn't ordered, but too late now. I'm not sure, but I think even if she does want to go the court route, it's still possible that you can request mediation and maybe the judge will order that rather than set a date for trial. It's possible. And it's worth a shot. Once those babies make their entry into the world, that's two more mouths he'll have to feed and yes, that will be taken into consideration when that CS amount is calculated. Relax, let her write her proposals, bide your time. She's digging her own grave.

~ Anne ~

"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook

LVmyBOXERS's picture

children considered in every state? Before we start having kids I am going to meet with a lawyer and find out some answers. Like, college was never discussed in their original divorce. Can she have it madified to include later? Not trying to hijack here, just had a thought and wanted to ask. But seriously, you need to try and relax. You do not need this added stress suring pregnancy. Things have gone smotthly for DH and I since I moved us over to the next county. I only wonder what she will pull (if anything) when she finds out we are expecting.

Anne 8102's picture

We lived in NC when we went through this and they did consider the child I was pregnant with. (I was 7 months at the time.) My husband was in the process of adopting my son from a previous marriage and if that adoption had been finalized, they would've counted him, too. Some states don't take other children into considertion. Some do. Sometimes it depends on the judge. College... she can always come back later and ask for it, but I don't know how that would work with the courts. That might be one of those things that depends on the situation and what kind of judge you get.

~ Anne ~

"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook

lcooper's picture

Yea, I was thinking I should at least try and make sure the twins are born before we hit court, because I know that will make a difference in the calculation. She is also totally using me as the scapegoat in all of this, blaming me for him being unwilling to do things on her terms, how can I be so one sided, me, BLAH BLAH. I told DH, let her use me as the scapegoat, I am happy to be the impetus to much needed change in this situation. I don't care if she hates me, I just don't want her kids to hate me. So, that brings me to my next question, most of you have dealt with court before. How do the skids handle it? Do they act the same when they come over, or are they strange, does BM poison them against you? I have never had issues, severe ones, with BM making her kids hate me, but now I am worried. Our kids all get along so well, and I know the skids are excited about the babies, but she has already shown some immature behavior towards the skids by not allowing them to mention the babies around her. If they do arrive next weekend, somewhat poisoned against me, any suggestions on how to diffuse and win them back over?

Thanks all!

Anne 8102's picture

I don't know what she told them about it, but I'm sure it wasn't anything unbiased or fair. She's one of those who doesn't care if the kids hear her say ugly things about their father. She'll tell them to their faces that he's a jerk, a bad father, doesn't care about them, replaced them with his "new" family, etc. But we just told them that we knew they knew we'd been resolving some issues with their mother in court, that sometimes when adults argue things get said that aren't really meant, that it was a bumpy ride but ended fairly and that all they need to know is that they will always be loved and taken care of. Then we just went about the visits as usual. Even before court - and during and after court - their BM has always tried to poison them against us. It has worked in some ways, didn't work in others. Not being close enough to see them often and reinforce that relationship, we kind of suffer. But back before we moved away, just having them on the weekends and showing them that yes, we love them and yes, we want them with us pretty much shot down her bad-mouthing. They are going to believe what they experience for themselves over what someone tells them to believe. I think it's okay to acknowledge what's going on, because they're not stupid. They know. Maybe say, "I know things are crazy right now. Sometimes when two people get divorced they disagree about things and can get angry at each other. But no matter what, we both love you very much and you will always be a part of our family." That kind of thing. We also encouraged them to think for themselves. (Sometimes mom and dad get mad at each other and say things. Maybe they are true, maybe not, but don't let other people's opinions decide how YOU feel. Make up your own minds about whether dad loves you or not based on whether or not he shows you and tells you he loves you, not based on what your mom says when she's mad at him.) Then just do what you always do. Keep it as normal as possible. My oldest SD did have some questions and we answered them as truthfully as we could without making her mother look like the bad guy and I think she responded to that better than she did to her mother's ranting and raving. We told her that her mother thought the CS should be one amount and we thought it should be a different amount, so we decided to tell both sides to a judge and let the judge decide what is fair. We didn't have any problems from the skids from court.

~ Anne ~

"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook

MamaJenn24's picture

that someone in the system is going to call her on her demands and tell her that they are outrageous, and selfish for starters. Also, in my experience if it does happen to go as far as a judge overseeing it, judges hate the drama. They want you to make your point and get out of there. They don't like whiners and criers. But that's just my experience and what my mediator advised me before I went to my court date for my divorce.

I gotta ask: Do all these crazy BM's read from the same book of bull? Is there a seminar on how to make people crazy that these women are attending? I agree with Anne that these women are jealous and some of them have nothing better to do than beeotch about anything and everything just to get their way. They sound like toddlers when they have tantrums.

Just my two cents for what it's worth.

MamaJenn24

Some men are like martinis: dry, very cold and they think they are fabulous because of the two olives dangling down at the bottom of their swizzle stick...Anonymous

SM27's picture

Not sure what state you're in but my DH's standard "plain vanilla" custody order requires the non-custodial parent (the BM in my case) to drive to our residence to pick up my SD and drop her off at our residence also unless both sides agree on a different place. (we're in Texas).

lcooper's picture

Not sure in our state, may be a lost cause. I'll have to look it up, I have been told by one friend who has been through the ringer in the courts here, NH, that he has to do both ways of driving. Well, if that's the case, so be it. Four years of it, we should be used to it anyway, right?