Another fight, same problem...
I know I'm fairly new to this site but I really need to vent tonight...
My husband and I just had a HUGE fight over the same problem that we have fought over for the past 3 years of our relationship. He will "set boundaries" with BM and then go back and do the opposite because it's "for the kids". I am so tired of hearing, "for the kids" that I could just puke. The details aren't super important but I was wondering does anyone else have any suggestions on how to deal with going back on boundaries?
This creature of a BM will be completely nasty to us and then turn on the charm when she wants/needs something (which after reading this site I now know is very common) but I just get so tired of having her treat us so bad and then having my husband not stand his ground because it's "for the kids". My husband is an amazing dad but sometimes he can be a crappy husband. In general, we have a fantastic relationship except for when he goes back on his boundaries...I just feel that no matter how infrequently he does this it's too often.
Everytime we fight about him caving "for the kids" I just want to cry and leave the marriage. I am 36 weeks pregnant so I'm sure that doesn't exactly help me be rational at this point.
This site has helped me so much since I found it. All the posts help in many ways. I have tried to step back and not be so controlling and to ignore BM but it's so hard when she is such an impossible person to like but yet she is going to be a constant presence in my life for the next 8 years (that's when the youngest turns 18).
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Comments
Disengagement. This should
Disengagement. This should be a temporary thing that hopefully will help pull his head out of his a$$. You stop engaging with him or his kids and do your own thing until he decides that you are an important part of his family and your feelings should matter. If he can't respect them, you cannot engage with him and his kids.
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
The most frustrating part is
The most frustrating part is that I have tried to disengage before and he'll say that I don't care about the kids or some other mindless crap like that. I will try disengaging again and hopefully it will play out better this time...maybe even work
haha! I spent most of today away from the house and had a day to myself, which was a nice change of pace.
I agree with Melis
It sounds like you are coming dead last in this family constellation. So, since he is not putting any energy into making sure that his WIFE is happy, you don't need to put any energy into his needs, since they don't seem to include you.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
Yeah, I agree. It's just so
Yeah, I agree. It's just so hard to ignore things that I usually handle...
but I will be working on it.
Sighs.....
Do you know what is fascinating to me? That at a certain point I SWORE that I was the only one going thru these things. So frustrated SM take a deep breath sweetie. It DOES get better. It takes a LONG time and a LOT of patience but things do get better.
Will your DH ever love you like he loves his child? Probably not. But will you ever love him like you love your own child? Probably not. That's OK! There's enough love to go around!
A long time ago I said to my DH, "one day your children will grow, they will marry and they will leave you. They probably will go weeks or months without calling you, they most likely won't visit, they will have their own lives and what will you have? I suggest you start treating me the way I'd like to be treated or else you will be alone and you will have no one else to thank but yourself."
It took a while, but eventually we devised a pattern, a routine. Saturday night couples time where Skids are in bed in their rooms, bathed, fed and watching tv and we are downstairs in the family room watching a movie and having a cocktail. SD would try to come in and sit on DH's lap but he would shoo her upstairs or take her back to bed. It took time, it took a LOT of time, but eventually he got it. It really was possible to have everyone happy. EVERY now and again we have a major blowout over the skids but it's natural, there is no such thing as PERFECT.
Yeah, I will never love him
Yeah, I will never love him or my Skids the way I will love my daughter (that will be here soon...yea!!!). I love what you told your DH, maybe if I approached this from that angle he might see my side better!!
I can relate
Frustrated stepmom,
You are so not alone, I have been with my DH for 4 years now and while he has gotten better he still will have his moments where he lets BM walk all over him. We even have a GAL involved now and its so frustrating because he also lets BM slide also so there seems to be no accountability..
My DH always uses the argument that she punishes the kids when she's not in control which is true but I keep reminding him that we cannot control what she will say or do only ourselves and hopefully as the kids grow older they will see the manipulation for what it is...SELFISHNESS.. she cares more about being right/in control than what is truly best for her children.
Try to focus on your upcoming baby, is it your first? I myself am 38 weeks pregnant with our first and have noticed myself being alot more sensitive about BM and stepfamily issues and realize that probably alot of it is hormones...(I hope!)
Best wishes for you
Hope
"In the final analysis it is not what you do for your children but
what you have taught them to do for themselves that
will make them successful human beings."
Ann Landers
OMG, I've heard the same
OMG, I've heard the same "she punishes the kids" crap!!! hahaha!!! He doesn't want the kids to have a set list of chores at our house because BM uses them like little slaves at her house. The youngest had to detail BMs vehicle on his BIRTHDAY!! I keep telling him that we shouldn't have to adjust our household because she's so horrible. I'm just waiting for the day that the Skids realize what their BM really is.
Yes, this is my first baby!!! You're 2 weeks ahead of me...I'm jealous
I'm hoping it's hormones that will level off after my baby is born.
Good luck with your baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your comments!!! I can't tell you how much reading your responses has helped me feel like I'm not alone.