Well hate is a strong word, I don't know that I hate her. I do wish she would move to another country never to be seen again }:)

The problem with stepkids is this: this kid was not raised the way I would raise a kid. Now I live with her and I am expected to parent her but she is not my child. If I discipline her everyone is in a tizzy. If I don't, then she gets away with murder.

SD was/is extremely jealous of me and my daughter. She was daddys little girl. She was his mini wife when I met him. It was kinda gross. She made sure I knew that daddy was HERS and she was not sharing. She did everything in her power to make me want to leave. She has spread lies to my MIL and FIL. She tells everyone how I am only nice to my DD which is a lie. I embraced her with open arms and got attacked by her. How am I supposed to love her like my own when she is so mean and cruel to me?

DH has accepted my daughter as his own. But she does not disrespect him at all. She likes him and has accepted him with open arms and they get along great. SD16 is a manipulative, lying brat. She is very entitled and just wants everything handed to her. If I had raised her from a small child I would have done something about that. But she is not my child so I have no control over it.

She would act all sweet to me in front of DH. The minute he turns his back her devil horns go on and she is nasty. After years of this my DH has finally seen the light. He now sees how mean she is to everyone, not just me anymore. He sees how manipulative she is so she can get her way. She is uncaring and selfish. I didn't create that!! I am embarrassed by her actions. I don't want people thinking she is my child.

I was naive and thought she was cute when I met him. It didn't take long for her to show her true colors. I have an ex step daughter from a previous marriage and I am very close with her. She is 17 and she is like my own child!

Many people on here have to deal with a BM that makes the kids hate the SM. Luckily our BM wants nothing to do with SD so I don't have to deal with that end of it.

I suppose you have no idea of how manipulative and nasty stepkids can be toward a stepmom? There's a ton of articles written by professionals regarding how much harder it is for a stepmom than a stepdad to come into a family and be accepted by the kids.

In my case, all was well in the beginning with SD14 was 12 and didn't think I was going to be a permanent fixture in her dad's life. She played the role of "mini wife" to him. Would snuggle up and cuddle with him for hours, sit on his lap at the dinner table, hold his hand fingers interlaced in a lover's handhold, spoon with him on the floor, say "MY DADDY" whenever I got close. She'd push herself in between him and I, had a fit and demanded him to stop dating and stop holding my hand or showing me any type of attention or affection. Even demanded he never have sex with me while she was visiting!

I was nothing but nice to this girl. Tried to be her friend. Tried to bond with her. Took her places, bought her things, spent time with her. She consistently undermined me, told lies about me, cried to her dad that I was mean to her when I had never even looked at her sideways.

She tried from day one to break us up. She thought SHE belonged with him, not me. And she was damn sure she was going to try and push me out of the picture. She lied to her therapist about me, continued to treat me horribly and get between her dad and I.

And I'm supposed to LOVE her? Or even LIKE her?

I just don't get it.

First of all, you're on a site where people come to vent about their step parenting situations. They probably would never be here if all was going great with trying to become a "blended family" so what you get on this site is the worse case scenarios of step parenting.
From what I've read from most of the members here is that it wouldn't be so hard (and many here have tried very hard to get along and "love" their steps) for these step parents if they weren't dealing with situations where the bio parent behaves in ways that isn't benefitting their kids or helping their kids to become independent.
You've heard the guilty daddy complex on here a lot and I see that go on with my own son and his daughter, my granddaughter, who he'll spoil her in a way that he wasn't before the divorce only because he feels bad that he can't see her but EOW and some sporadic days through out the week.

TBSB123 - just a real quick question - are you a Disney Dad?

You're on a website "where stepparents come to vent," so it's pretty obvious that you're going to see a lot of negativity here. Try the Happy Happy Joy Joy Stepparent site if that's what you're after.

As far as your belief that men are more accepting of their spouse's children, one possible explanation is that men aren't typically the primary caregivers to children, so deficiencies in their prior/simultaneous upbringing might not be as obvious to them.

Only half of my last comment showed up.

I don't hate my stepkids, and I am certainly not jealous of them. I really don't think that most woman feel that way about stepkids.

I also do not love them at all. I would never hurt any child, ever. BUT I do love my children, and will do things for them because I love them. I can try to mold them into being functioning, respectful adults by providing them guidance and discipline as I see fit. Something I am not able to do for my stepkids because they have a mom who won't allow me to do so as I see fit.

There is a big difference. I think that men think a woman "hates" his kids because a stepmom won't dote on them like her own. And when they do dote on them, they won't allow the stepmom to guide and discipline a child as she sees fit.

Please read this article to gain a better perspective as why it is easier to be a stepfather as opposed to a stepmother. It is written by a renown psychologist. "Why its easier to love a Stepfather then a Stepmother".

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stepmonster/201106/why-its-easier-lo...

And it isn't just the SD that treat SM's like this! In between DH's divorce and me he had told his two boys "It's just us guys now!" and made them to believe that they will get to leave their BM and live happily ever after with dear dad and that the rest of their lives would be sitting on the couch watching whatever they wanted, sratching their asses, farting, burping, never showering or being held accountable for anything in their life.
Then dear dad started dating and met me. The boys were ok with me until they found out that we were engaged. Then the ninja skills came out. The sshit15 started to piss himself everytime I was around and the sshit10 became very violent and would launch into dangerous temper tantrums. If DH and I were walking hand in hand, one of the boys would break apart our hands and get in the middle. They had a blast terorizing our wedding but had fun because it was just a big party and free cake to them. Once they realized I was not going anywhere then the I want my mommy and daddy pshyco drama started with the youngest. He yells at me and tells me "he doesn't have to listen to me because I am not his mommy". The oldest is now at that angry teenage stage and just this last weekend told me to "shut up I didn't ask you".
So "Hate"? Yes I hate my sshits right now.
Would be happy with one day getting to the "I tolerate" stage, but will not hold my breath for it!

I think a lot of it has to do with how these kids are parented (or not). It's unfortunate because these kids cannot help how they are parented or who their parents are. But even so, it is hard to not feel resentment when a child is rude to you. Even if you know it is really coming from their bm in most cases.

But then they come to an age where they know deep.down that their actions are wrong but they still continue to act out. They come to an age where they know they can reach out for help but choose not to. Imho, one should only blame mommy and daddy until 18. Then its time to accept full responsibility for your behavior.

Good questions but I think you may have opened up a can of worms with this post...

I will answer as best as I can only from my experience though. I have a SS 17 & SD 15, great bond with my SS though it took a few years to get there. Lets see..my SD tried to kill me, tried to kill my mother, hurt 4 different animals just at her dads place, attacked 9 kids all younger accept one was her age, she ripped clothes off on her crush she had, she forced her one & only bf to kiss, all since age 12 & up, she wants her dad all to herself & admits that out loud, jumps the fence between both parents & step parents, & etc.

I'm not really liking her I suppose do to her actions but she may be the closest to a daughter that I may ever have. So yea I'm jealous that my DH has one boy & one girl yet happily married him knowing that. I would remarry him in a heartbeat too for that matter. I'm jealous about the SS cause I wish that I produced such a product!! He is truly a good young man with a decent head on his shoulders. We have certain emotions over step kids usually for one of two reasons. The BM makes it hard or the kid/kids have not been set in their place. Now there are step parents that are just in the wrong such as my ex step dad. I did not mess with him being I feared him. He was very verbally abusive to me & I grew up thinking that he hated me & that he just wanted my mom. Come to find out as an adult, he was angry that he had to play the dad role as my dad did not pay anything for us. He too had 2 kids that he paid child support for as they lived with their mom. So his reasons was that he felt that he had the short end of the stick.

The more posts that you read here, there are a lot of birth parents that don't support their spouse & that makes it hard for them step parents.

I don't hate my stepchildren. I hate the blackhole from which they were birthed and the horrible influence she has over them.

Skids annoy me at times just like every other kid on this planet.

EDIT: I also have younger step children. SD4, SD5, SD10, and SS7.

I haven't had to deal with teenagers or young adults yet. So, hey, my attitude might change.

>>>Every person on earth is responsible for their own actions.<<<

Exactly. SD27's actions and verbal diarrhea have made her not welcome in DH's and my home. Funny how that works, isn't it?

I'm not sure. I don't think women are 'wired' to be able to care for another woman's children.
Although I'm not sure men are wired that way either.
Why are you about to call it quits?

I do believe it is a biological issue. Although I do not agree 100%, many French psychologists believe that a father, although related to his child, is not so attached because the child did not come from him. This is possibly one of the reasons many feel that fathers can leave their kids and move away more easily than a woman. On the other hand, they also believe that a child and their child, because it was born from her has a high risk of having an incestuous relationship in the sense that being too close is could become incestuous because the child came from her. Whereas in a man's case, even if it was his biological child, it would not be incestuous because the child did not come from his body...YES, I know it's a bit off and a bit weird...BUT, when you put that against this stepmom/stepdad issue, I think it makes sense in that men are not as connected to the kids, their kids, thus they can have a similar connection to a child that is not theirs...yet a women has such a close bond with a bio-child, that any other child is almost impossible to love/get close to that is not biologically theirs.

PS - take it or leave it...yes, it's a bit weird, but honestly, the more I see what happens with smoms and sdads, the more it makes sense to me.

U know why? ill tell u why..

cause very rarely will an ex-husband make the new guy's life miserable by planting bullshit in the kids head...

My dh never asked questions about her new stepfather of the year...nor did he ever badmouth them...

Unlike women who will talk shit to the kids about the new wife and the dad...ask personnal questions about whats going on in the home when the kid comes back from the weekend..

Thats why!

also, stepdads usually dont have to see their new wives dish out money to the ex-husbands...
they see the money coming in...

as we,the stepmoms, see the money going out and out and out!!!!!!!!!!!

I do not hate my ss. Decided easier to only deal with issues that effect my comfort level. He is such a spoiled brat but his dad has created this monster. Lol I'm sleeping in the spare room tonight because I spoke my mind but only on issue that effected me, his dad can deal with the 17 year olds temper tantrums. This relationship works or it doesn't too much chaos if your home makes it a war zone. My bf ignores my son I was thinking the exact same as you but it was men and a woman's biological child

Most of us start out fine with the kids and end up disliking them over time, by proxy of disliking the behavior of the Parents. Very often, Disney Dads push their new wives aside to cater to their children out of guilt, which teaches them to be miscreants all too often because there's no boundaries, respect, consequences, etc. BUT when it comes to real Parenting, they look to their new wives, overburdening with all the menial tasks of child-rearing as well as the "tougher" issues.

All the while, the BioMoms can be total asses, being uncooperative and threatening court action constantly to keep the Ex by the balls all because they are upset that their Ex moved on with his life. So they use their children as pawns of disruption simply out of spite which ultimately teaches the kids to be unbearable. Some Ex-Husbands can be asses of course but mostly Men won't be as spiteful and disruptive as an angry Ex-wife so new husbands have an easier time being accepted by the kids and not harassed by the Ex.

StepDads do get fed up but they can more easily disconnect the emotions to the wife and the kids and leave the whole relationship if the Kids become an issue. So it's not that you all don't dislike the kids as much--I know many of you that are not so amped about their wives kids; it's that you don't vent about it as much as women and you leave more readily than a woman who'll try and try until she has nothing left but bitterness. If we take anything from you guys it's to get the hell out faster before it becomes a situation of hate.

Fuck tht. Poster you are right. We just don't want to be bothered with SK and rightly so.
1. A good portion of his income and or time goes in to his kids.
2. We are supposed to scheduled everything around them.
3. He still acts like the ex is his wife and wwe don't matter.
4. His kids with that bitch are more important than ours.

And your weekend means your weekend. If you are going out Friday night then go get your kids Saturday morning! I don't need them here with me. They are coming to see you!

I am not sure why there seems to be so many more disgruntled S-Moms than S-Dads. It may be that men are much more able to compartmentalize so the strains of SParenting do not take over our entire lives as seems to be the case with women.

Other than that, I have nothing.

Usually women do most of the childcare. So of course stepdads are happier. Stepkids do mean more for them to do. If they ruun to the store to get a bottle of cough syrup for one he is a hero.

Think about ALL OTHER SPECIES in the animal kingdom. NO MOTHER will EVER even consider caring for another female's baby. It's unnatural in all of the animal kingdom. Females in the animal kingdom will abandon their WEAKEST offspring too, and that IS their DNA....."survival of the fittest", this one's not gonna make it, so she leaves it to die. Not sure why it's so frowned upon in the HUMAN species (not the abandoning an imperfect baby) and why it's EXPECTED that just because it's a "child" it should be loved by an adult with no biological connection to it. It's like saying, "go into Walmart and just pick out a random kid, bring it home, and just start loving it".......nope, not happenin.....I will never love my skid. But I take care of him, I make sure his basic needs are met, i'm kind to him and I advocate for all of his needs (he's autistic). But, cuddling him and kissing him and even touching him....nope, that's what his bio dad is for!

Wowmommy nailed it! When half of his income is going to support his starter family, resentment builds. That child support is seen by the second wives (us) as money that could take care of her family. My DH and I struggled early in our relationship, because of his ex wife and her kids. I had to figure out how to make ends meet with what what left of his paychecks after the ex wife got "what her and her children were legally entitled to." Ever watch your kids get leftovers, because your husband's ex doesn't want to get a job? :sick: She also nailed it about leaving skids here with us......they are YOUR kids, spend time with them.

Men sit around farting and the SM's are the ones getting shat upon and run over by the skids.
I'm really beginning to think that the only reason divorced men with kids get married again is so they can pass the parenting gig on to their beloved new spouses.

The problem is the FATHER. When a single mother marries a man she is looking for a companion for herself. When a single father marries a woman he is looking for a maid for his children.

Just my observation lol

QUOTE : Why is it so easy for a man to accept someone else children and build a family yet the women...

STOP!!!!

It is NOT easy for a man to accept someone else's children...at least not *THIS* man.

I came into SS's life when he was 6 years old. That's six years of this child's life I needed to catch up on and try to understand.

Yeah, it is easy to have all these fantasy "Rockwellian" images in your head about taking another person's child into your home and treating him as your own.

Not so easy my friend. Not easy at all.

My SS has ADHD. I noticed it almost right away. SS's mother and father did not. They thought SS was normal. When I tried to bring up the subject My DW tried to convince me that I was the one that was being "too harsh" or that my expectations were "too high".

Coming to accept this child for who he is did not come without its set of challenges. I could not just flip a switch and understand the complex set of emotions that I was feeling; namely "why am I breathing a sigh of relief when this child returns to his father for his custody time?"

The answer, was that I could not associate with this kid him on ANY level. I did not resent him, but I resented my time with him. A simple trip to the ice cream parlor became an exercise in testing my virtues. Here I am thinking that a trip for ice cream would be a memorable experience. Kid gets a treat and he'll be happy right? How foolish I was! This child would cry at the drop of a hat, act inappropriately, and if his mother so much as gave me a nano second of attention, SS would would demand that attention back. My DW was more than just a mother, she was this kid's Geisha. I took it upon myself to put a stop to it.

I do not resent or hate my SS, but I do not love him either. The only reason why I did not throw in the towel is because I did a heck of a lot of soul searching and bucket-loads of research. And by research, I don't mean "surf the net". I got my fat-ass up and took trips to the library to pull out books on parenting and children with ADHD. I went out of my way to acquire the tools I believed I needed to make my new family work.

Oh man I know the feeling when I read this site. An before anyone says shit I am leaving the site because it is so repulsive.
I am a woman, I am actually only 23 and I have worked as a foster career. Maybe that is why I am okay with having other kids that are not my own around. I have a partner who has a 4 year old son. Of course I love him to bits and though I may not agree with the BM I don't hate her or the child. I introduced myself to the BM before going near her child and made sure she knew I would never take liberties to mothering the child. However I would look out for him and make sure he is always safe. I could never hate an innocent child, NEVER.
Yes children act out, of course they do! Children deal with the immediate, they don't think long term and all of a sudden their immediate future is gone. They feel like it was their fault in most cases. Maybe because I have a step father and came from an abusive home is why I understand these kids. Though I understands their actions more when you see people on here who call the child a mistake, who say they can't understand why the parent shows them so much love and so on. Do they not get that if they hate the child it will show in their daily actions and it will taint their interactions. Children are not stupid and if they feel that hate they will close down. They will shut the person out and make their lives a living hell. Why? because that adult does not deserve their love or affection.
I researched before I ever introduced myself to the child, I made sure that I could do all of it as right as possible. Seems like most the people on here just seem to hook up with the parent and then expect it to be like any other relationship.

I love my SDs probably because FDH actually parents his children and never allows them to disrespect me. Yeah he has a little bit of that 'guilty daddy' complex because he doesn't see them as much as he wants to, but at the end of the day he cares about how they turn out and disciplines them as needed when they're here. If they are disrespectful to me (which has only happened a couple of times) they are in BIG TROUBLE. The end result is that they're a joy to be around and it's easy to love them like they're mine. If they let them run wild, spoiled them rotten and let them treat me with disrespect I might feel differently. He also gets along well with my kids because likewise they are required to mind him and respect him as a parent/authority figure.

maybe YOU need to learn more about females in the animal kingdom...humans are not the only ones that reject other animal's offspring...it's NATURE.....

I do agree it IS harder for a woman to accept her step children than a man to accept his. i hate to sound sexist but I honestly truly believe its a maternal thing. Starting family, having children is genereally more a deal to women than it is to men. Plus us females i hate to say (again dont mean to be sexist) do over analyse and worry about stuff more where as men are more laid back.

so you think maternal instinct + worrying/analysing = one jealous step mom.

does he favour her kids over mine? does he want more kids? is he just saying yes to mkae me happy? if we have kids will they be as special? list goes on n on

My mother's husband did NOT accept me. He hated me, and I knew it. So much for your theory, huh?

Seems like the original poster is just a troll looking to stir things up, but okay.

Stepdads endure a lot of the same crap, so it's not just a female issue. Especially if the BM has been lax in her parenting skills and her kids are a bunch of spoiled, entitled brats. When I moved to be with my wife, she was letting SD's bf stay the night at our house like 5 nights a week. I quickly put an end to it so you can just about imagine how well that went over with SD. Nobody wants to feel like they are taken for granted or taken advantage of...male or female.

I truly believe there is a biological factor to it. I am the main care giver to my SD8 and yet cannot discipline her and have no rights. She also has the "creepy eyes" like no one is home. She manipulates me by the actions of her BM. Not only that but she cannot seem to do simple things. But I really honestly feel it is biological. I cannot stand the child.

I think what beaccountable said is good. And I will add to that and say it is even more important for you to put your marriage first because a) your kids need to learn to get along with people they do not like, b) you are helping them to figure out how they want you to treat their spouse/SO/BF/GF even if you don't like them, and c) if they see you will not tolerating their treating your spouse like crap, they'll have more of an incentive to at least see that your spouse is not a big meanie.

I don't hate my sd's. I certainly don't wish them any harm. I simply want nothing to do with dh's eldest daughter. SHE hates me - not the other way around. SHE is jealous of my relationship with dh. When dh's kids first came into my life, dh and I were in love and happy and I adored his daughters simply based on the fact they were a part of him. I went into my relationship with them with nothing but good intentions and a huge heart. After years of putting up with dh's angry, jealous, spiteful daughter who caused nothing but grief for me and my marriage, I disengaged. I really believe most people - 80% of step-parents and step-kids alike, are good people and don't wake up each day wanting to cause harm to others or even just simply 'hating' others. I think this step situation causes many otherwise good people, kids and adults both, to feel ugly thoughts. From a step-child's perspective, it can be hurtful and devastating when their parent's divorce. Kids can be grieving from losses that sometimes occur as a result of their parent's divorce. Then enter their parent's new partners...ya, kids can understandably be jealous and act out. For a step-parent dealing with it, even step-parents with the absolute best intentions....yes they can start to really dislike/hate these nasty little (sometimes not so little) step-children. So if people come here to vent and express their anger, now you know why. And by the way, it is not just step-mothers. Have you been on the step/bio dad's forum???? Lots of 'I hate my skid' comments there too!

to the original poster, u really have no clue, lots of men wont touch a woman if she has a kid by someone else - get with it, because we dont want the product of someone elses realtionship, coz most of us have to put up with rudeness from not only kids but ex partners, we sign up for a relationship with a partner not a ready made family

to put it in simple terms men are not mothers
their level of involvement with children varies
most women shoulder the majority of the child-rearing and are more prone to being hurt by BM & Sks actions when they do so much for someone else
men seem to let almost anything roll of their backs

Well I've been married for about a year now, my husband has a five year-old daughter. When we were dating he would have her once in a while when I would be with him and literally as soon as she was with us he would ignore me, and she would be all over him, and all she would do is talk about her "mommy" "my mommy this, my mommy that" UGH!!! I honestly do not know how I stuck with him. Anyways it was so bad that on our ENGAGEMENT NIGHT he had the nerve to tell my parents and I that she would always be the most important thing in his life and that if one day me and his daughter needed shoes and he could only afford for one of us, that I'd be the one shoeless . I mean WTH if you think that don't say it, especially not to me and MY PARENTS. After his ex found out we got engaged that's when things got ugly she actually called the cops on us one day when we dropped off his daughter saying that the last time we dropped off his daughter we had beaten her (well she told the police that he beat her, and when she went to the hospital she said that I beat her) I mean this lady is seriously a psyco. He actually spent a night in jail because of this bitch. Here's the funny thing when we went to court for this she came in limping and acting like she had gotten a really bad beating, even though a month had passed since my husband had gone to jail, but when our lawyer confronted her about all her lies all she did was stay quiet and didn't say anything the rest of the court, and the funniest thing is when we left the courtroom she wasn't limping anymore!!!! After we got married nothing changed every time we dropped off his daughter we would have some kind of drama she even tried to attack me at once (while she was pregnant with a kid who she insits is my husbands but the dates don't add up and she lied during the whole pregnancy always giving him new due dates and the kid is like one now and still hasn't asked for child support for him) Oh yeah and for a while he was paying more than 600 a month for child support which made him leave his job and start another job getting paid cash. Thank God because right now I am 4 months pregnant and we will need all the money we can get. I am just glad he's kept his word of not going to get his daughter anymore so we won't have to make that three drive hour to pick her up, and the best no more drama or stress especially right now that I'm expecting. What makes me the happiest is that he changed his priorities like keeping me happy instead of his stupid ex and his bratty ass daughter }:) .

I am a stepdad and I struggled for the first couple of years with what I describe as a mammalian aversion to the presence of another man's spawn in my home. It was what I can only describe as a visceral reaction. On the surface I was fine but when something bothered me it was like an internal switch was flipped I had no ability to tolerate the kid.

I worked through it but it was a tough period as I addressed my issues.

Ultimately I chose to be his dad. I commited to be his dad when I asked his mom to marry me so it was my issue to work through.

As for the seemingly broader struggles that women have with Skids compared to men ...... I think men are more willing to engage on all levels including disciplining the Skids where it seems women are hesitant to discipline children they do not accept. For this reason many SKid behavior issues fester and grow to a point where from a woman's perspective they feel abandoned by their SO in favor of the SKids.

Men just seem to be able to deal with crap in a more direct manner when it concerns children in our home. Rather than letting crap fester SDads tend to address the unacceptable behavior very directly and in a timely and consistent manner. Often SDads are far better at doing this than BioDads ... for some reason.

Not that I can speak for the ladies.

All IMHO of course.

<>

It's not that we come into the relationship disliking the skids.. it happens over time.

My skids were a lot better when I first met them.. they had respect for me and didn't show their true colors.. Then when they saw their dad spending more time with me and that I was going to be a part of their lives... whoa nelly, did things change.

Their true colors came out.. all the back talking, yelling, arguing, fighting, nastiness, etc.. showed it's ugly face.

I seriously was like "WTF.. this isn't normal".. I have tried over and over again to get DH to realize how they are monsters and if he doesn't get a handle on it soon all hope of having managable teens will be lost.. some days he is on board, some days he is not.

That inconsistiency, combined with the constant undermining from both DH and Skids causes resentment in us smoms.. I started out all "ready to take this on" even when they were acting like assholes.. I accepted that and wanted to work with DH as a united front to get these kids on the right track.

And, for the record, it isn't just me who thinks these kids are out of control.. aunts, uncles, grandmas, other kids parents are shocked when they witness the flat out disrespect from these kids.. so it's not like "I'm picking on them or am looking for things to dislike." Which DH has accused me of when he gets in one of his "poor kids" defending them modes - which makes me want to puke.

I guess what I am saying is (I tend to take the long way in my replies) that these skids have issues resulting from the divorce - combine that with an enabling, guilty "disney dad" who spoils these kids rotten and sees nothing but puppies and daisies when he looks at them, who refuses to have consistiency, rules, boundaries or discipline .. and on top of that won't give the stepmom any empowerment to parent, yet all of this crap is a dynamic in her life too and it affects her - but at the same time she is expected to do all the "mom" responsibilities and chores.. you get a woman who is frustrated and resentful of her skids. To top it all off.. the skids have all the power to make her life a living hell (because DH gave it to them) and use that power to their fullest capability.

Really.. the blame lies with DH.. that's where it starts.. however, the skids have choices too.. treat smom like crap because they can or view her as a human being because it's the right thing to do...

I think a lot of y'all are not so much dealing with step issues as you are just asshole kids issues.

I have been at the SM gig for over a year now. It has been tumultuous at best. I entered into marriage with a man who has a daughter that he has been with in a 50/50 agreement for her whole life. BM and him split right after her birth. I came onto the scene when she was about 6/7. She is now 8. WE got married because I got pregnant. We were married and I had my son. Then we began our life as a blended family. My SD8 is not a bad kid. She is polite (mostly) and generally well behaved. But what I have issue with is the relationship with her father. She has grown accustomed to a life of being 100% doted on while in the care of each of her bio parents. Each parent fights to outdo the other in the hope of winning the most loved parent award. Unfortunately, this didn't transfer well to SD8. She is now under the impression in our new family, the lifestyle she has known her whole life haas been ripped away from her courtesy of me, aka, wicked stepmom. SD enjoyed the attentions of her parents like she were the adult in the relationship. A party in her honor everytime she went to her parents (sarc - but something like it). My contribution to our lil fam is in her mind great so long as I do nothing but provide for her and her dad. But if she sees that I am a significant person in my husbands eyes she becomes extremely jealous. In the beginning I really enjoyed my SD's company. Because I didn't live with them . Once they moved in I was no longer just an entertainer that visited them. I lived with them and became a deserving individual of respect and love from my husband. But I find myself most the time feeling like the outsider in our new fam. I feel like their personal servant. Not to mention, I am doing all of this with my own newborn son. And I have deep concerns of how SD behavior may influence my own son's feelings for me, his bio mom. Dad ofcourse enjoys the love and affection of everyone. Everyone is vying for his attention. Unfortunately I am simply vying to get him to acknowledge the error of his ways. He doesn't get to feel ostracized and the pangs of sitting in your own home feeling unwanted or like the third wheel. This is moreorless the tip of the iceberg of issues. Stepmoms are always the wicked ones in the kids eyes. In a way this is natural. I have no expectations that my SD should languish me with affection or the same feelign she has for her BM. That wouldnt' even be healthy. In fact I'd rather her not since it isn't my thing at all. But stepmoms have to carry on pretending to do all a mother should do, but with gloves. We cant' get offended when we are disrespected over and over and dismissed as adults. We can't discipline. We can't even live where we want to! There are virtually no benefits. Yes, are there moments when we feel we are okay.. ofcourse. And that is with all children I expect..peaks and valleys. But when they aren't your own children the feelings are different. It can be said the same with having a fight with your own family member vs a coworker. The more hurtful fight is the family member. Because they are supposed to be your closest ally. But as stepmoms we aren't. We are the coworker/friend/babysitter/invisible guardian to our stepkids. We think ourselves more and then it hurts. Over time, that hurts and builds resentment. The role is nearly doomed for failure. I have done what is recommended by disengaging. And did it help? yes. I no longer hurt as much. I can walk away without mentally draining myself for the next 5 days. Is it bad? at this point I don't care. I call it protection. If you get hurt enough, for long enough something will give. Since I have stopped bending over backwards to please SD and Dad I have freed myself of expecting something in return, like respect. It just doesn't hurt as much. I can move on and focus on my own son with openness and do the things with him I always wanted to do with my own child. I think men expect far too much from stepmoms considering all the realities us stepmoms have to face daily.

What's with women and stepdaughters? Hmmmm, there shouldn't be anything wrong. I always wanted a dtr. I have 2 boys-- one adult and one preteen. I thought I was going to have a fantastic family when we moved on with bf and his dtr. Maybe dads should keep a closer eye on their dtrs and their behavior and maybe try parenting them for a change or at least backup their gf, fiancée or wife. Maybe dads should be honest and inform their gf's before they tell them they will have a fantastic life if they move in with them -- marriage, family / commitment. Honesty being that their dtrs are out of control and they are spoiled foul mouth bitches who have no respect for anyone or anything--including "throw away animals". ( I want a kitten-- brings home then ignores it -- I take care of it and somehow pictures of a run over cat of theirs turns" up in their cellphones). Sick !!! Karma will come around though sometime.

I adore my BF's son. I've been with BF for almost 2 years now (son is 7) and I have always gotten along VERY well with him. He does the normal annoying kid stuff sometimes, like throw fits when he doesn't get his way or is losing a videogame. Other than that we have a great bond and I'm hoping it continues to grow.

The only issue that made me join this forum is with the BM.. we don't really have "drama" but it is a big source of insecurity for me that her and my BF had a child together. I'm 23 and this is a new situation for me and I mostly have concerns over issues to do with their previous relationship and how to stop being jealous of it and the fact that they share a child together.

I think part of it IS biological actually. I simply cannot feel the same bonds with them nor care or have the same instincts, even though i've known them since they were super young.
It doesn't help that they are selfish brats. It's not my fault, it's their own. And if DH won't control them and fix them then it is out of my hands.

I have to say though, deep down, I do care for them and when we are all together and we have family time and they are not being punished, we act as a nuclear family. It's no different.

How wrong is the OP!

SM's dont get together with someone, knowing they have kids and instantly dislike them, otherwise we wouldnt be dating/marrying their dad!!! If we have Bio's, we ASSUME that the Skids have been bought up in a normal manner to be polite and respectful, in a manner that is at least someway closer to how we bring our own children up! You cannot have different rules in a home. When the skids arrive where there are bio's, the skids HAVE to follow the rules of the house. To me, when they come to stay at my home with their dad, no matter the age, they WILL follow the rules that my Bio follows or quite frankly they can f**k off!

SD went through a phase of "puppy dog" eyes, it worked on everyone including her dad....anyway one day I was sitting down and she asked me for something and I said no (all in front of her dad might I add!)...so she pulled the "puppy dog" eyes...so I stared straight at her and said "and you can put your face straight cos that look doesnt work on me" and carried on watching the telly....now the next look she gave me of shock was priceless.....especially as NOBODY falls for it anymore now either!

My OH and I discussed that should any of our children be in need of discipline, and the other is not around, then the Step parent has the responsibility to acknowledge the behaviour. Both my daughter and SD accept both my and my partners discipline. SS19 does too, SS17 hates me! lol But as per my blog, I dont give a s**t about him anyway

Many of the comments from step mothers here make no sense to me. My wife I know is thinking the same way. That is why I am separating and maybe divorcing her. No point in dealing with a wife who tells your child they hate them and screams at them when they are mad.. All you women who say that to your step children.. Its like you took a knife and jabbed it into your husband..

And that is another thing.. I am under the impression many of you do not even love your husbands.. The way you talk just gives me that impression.

I am guessing if I did walk into your situation, some of what you said is true, but I am guessing that there is a lot on your side as well..

Its ironic.. Everyone but my wife loves my daughter.. I goto the daycare and they are always telling me things they like about her.. My wife, on the other hand, sees my her as a "mini ex-wife".

like it is the child's fault they were born to another parent..

I know for a fact a man who does Hate his SD (my daughter) because she is opinionated, you know what she tried to accept him, he tried, it did not work she has been in the military for awhile now and all I have to say is Im VERY proud of her and I don't care what anyone thinks! it does go both ways but most men don't talk about their feelings just to avoid confrontation.

I would like to think SD's and SS's will eventually grow up but I haven't seen anything yet.

Try supporting your wives

10 Ways to Support Your Wife as a Stepmom
Written by M. Jantzen

I just asked my wife how long she has been a stepmom. She knew almost down to the second: “Four years, four months and four days.” She’s done a lot in her life: run half marathons, earned a master’s degree, even changed the oil on fifty trucks a day for a summer job, but nothing has challenged her as much as being a stepmother to my two boys who come every weekend.

She has risen to the challenge remarkably, but it’s been a journey. Sometimes she has felt alone and misunderstood. To stand by her, I’ve had to figure out what she really needs from me. Having a blended family is still incredibly hard, but our teamwork and communication has gotten a whole lot stronger.

Further reading: My wife’s story of finding her way out of resentment.

Here are 10 things to remember as you support your wife as a stepmom:

1. She needs time to grow in unconditional love. This kind of love is twice as hard for her. It doesn’t flow naturally in her veins for your kids. You are able to forgive and have patience with them much more easily because they’re your flesh and blood. Don’t expect her to be a bubbling, joyful, loving stepmother all the time. Give love time to grow.

2. She needs you to listen patiently to her disappointments. She is always settling for less than she hoped for. You may have been a great catch, but what tagged along shattered some of her dreams. No woman dreams of sharing finances between two households, or of always having another woman’s schedule and decisions affect her life. Her romantic ideals did not include having dates with you interrupted with text messages from your ex.

3. She needs you to be her cheerleader, not her critic. The “evil stepmother” is the exception, not the norm. Most stepmoms work really hard at their role; they want this messy thing called the blended family to actually work. Your wife is probably already working on trying to improve. She might even feel like a failure. If you have to bring up a recurring problem, do it over a romantic dinner and first tell her how amazing she is.

4. She and the kids need time to work out their relationship themselves. Men like to fix things, but when it comes to blended family relationships, this can really backfire. Well-intentioned suggestions are easily taken as implied criticism and can make a stepmother feel bad about herself. It can also feel pushy to her and the kids. At the root of such suggestions is often frustration and impatience. This isn’t something you can fix quickly.

5. She needs your back up. Stepmoms don’t gain respect the instant they form a new family unit. Respect is usually earned over the long haul. If she corrects the kids or says ‘no’ to their latest request, tell them, “You heard what your stepmom said!” If you disagree, tell her privately and gently. If the kids act defiantly toward her, make sure they know you are just as much a part of the decision. Form a united front and don’t budge.

6. She needs you to notice her efforts. It’s always a good idea to show appreciation to your partner, but when she’s a stepmom, it’s even more vital. She may not receive hugs and kisses or “I love yous” from the kids too often. Model appreciation: “Thank you for cooking this amazing dinner for us!” Remind your kids to say “thank you” as well. When you’re alone together, layer on the praise and be specific. “You sure work hard at putting those lunches together for school.” “Thank you for being so patient when this place becomes a zoo each weekend.”

7. She needs you to listen without taking things personally. I’m sure you’ve been there—your partner is upset and telling you all about it, but then you suddenly get defensive; your pride takes a hit because you’ve begun to take it personally. You feel like she’s asking for a life that you can’t provide. When this happens, remember: she’s not attacking you. She just needs to express and process her frustrations with blended family dynamics. Keep your skin thick but your heart soft.

8. She needs you to respect her view of the situation. Your take on the situation is incomplete. The way you see things has been shaped by your past experiences with your former spouse. You also have an array of emotions that effect how you communicate with your ex. Your partner can offer fresh perspective and valuable wisdom as you navigate decisions as a team or try to solve conflicts with your former spouse. She’ll feel validated when you seek her advice.

9. She needs a place to call her own. Kids have a way of taking over a house. Every room becomes a playground, and it can feel like they only have two volumes: loud and louder. We all need space to stay sane, but as a stepmom, your wife needs it even more. She may not be used to the chaos, so carve out a space that’s just for her—a room that’s off limits to the kids or buy her a new reading chair for your bedroom. Then she’ll have more energy to offer the family.

10. She needs you all to herself more than once in a while. With the divorce rate for second marriages even higher than for first marriages, it is crucial that you carve out time to be together: book a night away; keep a regular date night; take a trip occasionally. Make sure to schedule it or it won’t happen. When you get away, just focus on each other; don’t talk about the mess. Only respond to emergency calls or texts. Protect your time together so you can stay together and beat the odds.

As you work at remembering and prioritizing your wife’s needs, she will feel respected, understood and cared for. She will become even more motivated to become the very best stepmother she can. Your marriage will become a source of strength and joy as you face even the toughest challenges in your blended family, and your kids will have a greater sense of security as they witness what a healthy marriage looks like.

double post!

I don't think all do hate the kids. I don't. I find it really difficult because they are not raised with any expectations and they are self entitled but I definitely don't hate them. Do I love them?? hmmm... probably not though. But I'm ok with them.

It's just the self entitled part that is hard. Want a thank you? DOn't hold your breath. Want their clothes put away? Good luck. How about dishes left in the sink? Yep- continual. My kid does more at 3 than my skids do at 15. The old one just dumps her towel in the middle of her floor. 3 days later, 3 towels (cos she has to get a fresh one every time she has a shower) and eventually the dad will pick it up and we will have this mountain of washing.

ohh- thanks for that supporting thing above. I've never seen that before. Number 9 is dead on true. I really dislike it when the kids come into the bedroom. It's hard enough without having them invade the bedroom.

Nobody likes bad a$$ kids. PERIOD. You don't have to be a stepmom to not like misbehaved, spoiled, entitled, rude, disrespectful kids. Unfortunately a lot of stepmoms have stepchildren that display this undesirable behavior.

Stepdads don't have the same problems we do.

Like many on this post have mentioned.... we didn't start off hating our stepkids, it was a gradual process. There just comes a time when you get sick of giving, trying, showing and reaching out to kids that just take, take, take and don't respond favorably to all your efforts. Enough is enough and we end up just not liking the kids. And that's okay. Afterall, the stepkids don't like us and it seems to be acceptable by everyone.

I know this is an old post - but the subject matter is ageless.

I am in my late 60s. I've seen many children grow up over the past 50 decades. I truly believe that some children (and yes in intact homes for the most part) are just born wrong. All other siblings are decent normal human beings.

I don't believe in tossing minor children aside because they have problems - but one should recognize that unfortunately some children are just born to be worthless horrible human beings no matter what efforts their parents make.

Bio parents must keep trying to guide their minor children into a path towards being a decent human being. Step parents should not block this path but they are under no obligation to expend extra efforts to try to rehabilitate worthless spawn.

Do you always show your wife that she is just as IMPORTANT to you as your biological children are. Do you tell her you love her when your biological children are around OR are you afraid your children may feel jealous because your attention is not fully on them. Does your children treat her with respect, even wHen your NOT around? Is your wife's bio children and your bio children equally shown affection love In your home by you.
What is your children's birth mother like Do you have a BM who tries to mingle in your relationship and cause chaos, and involves your biological children. Does your wife ever feel threatened by BM meaning that there is a chance you would reconcile with BM for your children's sake.

Do you have rules at your home when your biological children are there, such as they help clean up their messes, do the dishes, take out the garbage if they are old enough. Or do you spoil them when you have them in your care because you feel guilty that your not around everyday.

When my new spouse and I got together over 4 years ago he accepted my sons kindly, and my sons really adore him and love him. My spouse just was reconnected with his son SS13 almost a year ago, BM and ss13 showed up at the door and ever since then it has been over bearing, over whelming, me and my sons have been pushed to the side. BM tries to call all the shots in our house and lays down rules were me and my kids cannot be around when my spouse has ss13 which means my children and I leave our house for the weekend and sleep else where. My spouse doesn't agree with it obviously but BM holds his son against him.thereofre my spouse has to follow BM wishes to a point in order to see his son. Ss13 eats this up with a smile, enjoys this chaos because he also gets his way with help from BM and wants full attention on him when he is around dad.
We try to do family things like go on a trip, go bike riding, doing a week camping trip bbq with family, go the beach all together and it usually ends up spouse having to only attend to ss13 needs not anybody else. BM is always calling for something, or to just talk or meet up to discuss ss13 BM wants to be with my spouse and my spouse knows this and has told her he was happily married, and still she proceeds to put limitations rules and everything should be by her expectations which spouse and I then fight about. In the end she is basically winning this game of hell. Splitting up a marriage, and ss13 enjoys it every bit too . Therefore leaving me with resent for both BM and SS unfortunately. The feeling of being shoved to the side for SS and BM needs now.

Women need to feel loved, wanted, appreciated, taken care of. Respected, relationships need all this. Kids exes other family members may be apart of this relationship dynamic but in the end it's the two people in the relationship that will have each other for ever and even though children are priority sometimes marriage needs to be a top priority . My opinion.

For me as a Stepmother (my stepchildren are all adults.)  I don’t hate my stepchildren despite the hurt they have caused me – especially one in particular. 

I went into my marriage with an open (naïve) heart.  I never had any intention of being a “mother” to them. They have one – and they are adults.  I just wanted them to accept me and see that I make their father happy.  I was not the cause of the divorce between BM or with his 2nd wife.  The BM and I actually have a decent relationship.  We have never had an argument, etc.  I will admit I was jealous of her for a while and deep down probably always will be - but to hate her children – NO.  I have been told by others that BM actually is happy for my husband and me. 

I have made numerous attempts to meet for lunch, invite them over, text messages with b-day wishes/anniversary etc. only to be turned down with excuses and/or lies or completely ignored.  When they come over to our home – which is very rare – I am excluded either intentionally or unintentionally in conversations.  Out of the 4 – one in particular uses relational aggression.  I am purposely excluded and it has been noticed even by my husband that her children act with dislike towards me.  After SD’s daughter was born she used to call, send pictures, tag on Facebook, etc. then after she visited with my husband’s second wife…nothing.  The exclusion started after she had a visit with my husband’s second wife.  I was hurt that she had toyed with my heart/good nature by using a grandchild.  Well, from what I have read on here – those type usually use the grandkids. 

I disengaged from her in a subtle way as to not cause any waves.  Both of my BDs - told me to be smarter at her “game”.  If she sends a text – respond but keep in general.  If she ignores a text – don’t say anything because that is what she wants.  I have also followed the advice of other stepmoms on here – smile and treat them as if they were a distant relative.  3 out of the 4 remembered me on Mother’s Day.  I believe in being the bigger person and sent a text to one and it was ignored.  Fine by me – like my daughters said…don’t give her any ammunition. Be you and it is her loss.  As far as the Sgrandkids – I no longer try.  I have my own grandchildren and though I wish I could at least be a part of my Sgrandkids life – I have accepted that will never be.  Even my own husband told me to not to expect to bond with them.  As hurtful as that was  - I appreciated his honesty.  I will not keep my husband from his children – I will just step aside…   

It is not in my nature to be hateful or cruel – but I also believe it makes it easier to be stepped-on.  So to answer your question is it something biological to hate stepchildren – no, not for me…my biological nature was to have open arms and a kind heart – that was not reciprocated.   I have chosen to focus on me, my adult children and my grandchildren.  

I don’t hate my SD. I used to adore her, in the beginning before her BM started to manipulate via my SD. The dysfunction of a marriage doesn’t end after divorce, some BMs still insist on acting like our DH current wife. Women also tend to stay hurt and angrier longer after divorce, and kids loyalty is usually to their BM. So, most Skids will accept a SF better than a SM. On top of that, BDs tend to be guilty about their children being products of divorce. The skids and BM get catered to, while SM is the expected to be the bigger person, no matter how much we get shunned, verbally and emotionally abused, and disrespected by BM and Skids. In fact, a recent article in Psychology Today explained this all perfectly. It also states that BM is the only one thst can usually stop the conflict by trying to accept BD’s new relationship with the SM and telling the kids that it’s okay for then to love and accept SM. Most BM’s do the opposite and the Skids relationships with the members of their blended family, especially SM suffer.

Also, male partners and husbands often are oblivious to or ignore the manipulative actionss, bad attitudes behaviors of BM and Skids towards the SM and other children in the home. So everyone not related to the Skids feels slighted.

I love my step daughter but also get so frusterated sometimes and can very well see how other women could feel such strong anger against their step children. In my opinion, gender roles play greatly in this matter. Mother's are generally the care takers, the ones who do a lot of the raising, guiding and disciplining with great expectation. Men are quite often the 'fun ones.' It's easy to have a kid in your life when all you have to do is go to work and come home and play for a bit and sleep (at least that's what my boyfriend does.) A lot of the times women have to do a lotttt for the kids. I have a bio baby and can tell you first hand my life revolving around her constant needs simply comes naturally. I don't feel annoyed, fursterated, used. I don't feel underappreciated. Doing everything for my step daughter simply isn't the same. It doesn't come naturally. It doesn't feel like my responsability and quite frankly I feel used. I can do everything for my step daughter but still don't receive the love my boyfriend does. My boyfriend says the very same thing, 'i don't get it.' Which is fine, as long as you understand that you probably will never understand what being a mother is like, especially a step mother. It could be summed up as 'all of the work and none of the love.' in my home lol all I can say is cut your wife some slack. Being a step mom is one of the harded roles in society and its probably a lot less about your step kid and more about the role in general. It's nobody's dream.

Man:

1. Enters a household where BM already has set schedule and rules.  He is only supposed to participate.

2. Weekends and some weekdays without kid. No question. No debate.

3. Extra money in form of child support.

4.bm does all the work of cooking cleaning etc. For which she gets praise and appreciation and gifts.

Woman:

1. Enters a household with rules set by BM. No rules are set by dad at all. Cannot participate in making rules or a schedule bc that is supposed to be set by the paremts.   Cannot make rules as she is not the parent.

2. Weekends off and some weekdays. Always interrupted by Bm phonecalls or exts or impromptu visits because the kid needs this or that. Then dh angry bc he is not being left alone by SM wanting to help with issues.

3. 300- 500 dollars of child support goes to the kid. Sometimes this makes SM the breadwinner in a household where she has no voice.

4. Sm does all the work of cooking and cleaning. After angry dh and ungrateful entitled brats in a household that seems to be against her.    

5. Expected to love complete strangers without setting boundaries for acceptable behavior(the very definition of toxic environment)          

Well, this was an interesting post I never saw before!

I came into this marriage expecting to have a decent cordial relationship with grown SD. I loved my husband. Why wouldn't I want at least that with his daughter? That was not reciprocated from SD.

So I'd turn around the OP's question: is there a biological reason SD couldn't be decent to her father's wife? I didn't expect love, but I hoped for friendship. I got a big pot of crap instead.

After a decade of marriage, I believe step conflict IS rooted in biology. TIME magazine once ran a cover story about how men are biologically designed to cheat (as in spread their seed for maximum offspring). If that is true, and maybe it is, biology probably also dictates that second marriages will be doomed by biology: skids protect BM/BD out of a survival mechanism; stepparents naturally reject offspring that is not their own.

How can any of us win when biology has set us up to lose?

Why are people even responding to this nonsense from an obvious troll? There's tons of information and research available that clearly explains why Stepdads have it easier than Stepmoms...if this guy really wants to know. No need to reiterate here. Or, God forbid, he could just listen to his wife with a little bit of empathy. 

Here's my question. How come so many stepdads and boyfriends of single moms molest their stepkids? I mean - statistics show nearly 20% of kids who are molested are molested by the husband or boyfriend of their mother. Stepmoms don't seem to have this problem with their stepkids. What gives? 

Oh let’s not shed light on the douchcanoe husbands who not only ignore their own children’s crappy behavior, but target yours and tell them to GTFO. Call your daughters lazy, fat, liars, let’s his son taunt your son and then say “ I’m just making a man out of him” those dear husbands that parasite themselves into your financial means, and bring their parents along so you can support a household size of 10. I mean really wtf is wrong with a woman who gives her husbands daughter a three bedroom house to live in, all she has to do is pay her utilities and it’s not even her paying.. it’s her boyfriend. So she stiffs you for the bills, runs to dear husbands second ex wife and moves in there. Oh and let’s not forget the stepmom who stopped her children’s summer vacations to stay home on her days off from work to tutor her stepson through 7 th grade math, because he wasn’t doing it period and his father was way to busy working to make his son toe the line.. hence why said stepson had been kicked out of public school. Oh and let’s not forget the devoted wife who let her husband quit his job AND fix his back for 15 months, while explaining to sheriff why his son was supposed to be fishing but instead was hanging out with a runaway. Or let’s see, what about the stepdaughter who was trying to have another woman break up our marriage. You mean stuff like that? And that’s only the tip of the iceberg. So while you are asking what’s wrong with “ us women” how about you reevaluate your misogynistic ideas about us and your part that you play in causing the dynamic to unfold...

Yeah i dont know what it is...i thought at first I was just cold towards kids...I even confided in my SO that I was worried I wouldnt be affectionate when our daughter came...but that was further from the truth and ik its terrible i know his kids see me cuddling and being all huggy with my daughter n not even talking to them...but I can not for the life of me bring myself to want his 2 boys around...they are ill mannered, loud, obnoxious brats...they havent managed to make the 5 year old quit swearing and for that im not going to want them around my daughter anyways shes just starting to learn words...thankfully they dont come over but maybe once every 3 months...but i wish I wasnt this way..it doesnt help that i caught him flirting with the mom when he was drunk one day so it made me really resent them and that "woman" for being around so much that i plan on moving us about 40 minutes away from the city..but there are other reasons for that too like bad influences in the city and we need to get away i dont want to raise my daughter in the hood n have her end up like them at the ripe old age of 5 lol...but yeah i hate the fact he has to speak to her n i told him if that EVER happened again im leaving him n at the very least id stay but communication would be cut entirely between them kids or not and no im not gonna be the one to talk to her...they can communicate thru his mom since she is the one with them every weekend....but  i dont care if i sound petty keeping them from talking if that stupid stuff happens again lol thats not fair to me.... but yeah they are just so irritating to me...im never mean to them if they ask for something ill get it...but they can be sitting in a room for hours and i wont say a word...it doesnt help either that when i got with him i noticed that when he had his kids yeah he had em but he didnt interact so that made me not care to either...he even said i dont have with my boys what i have with you and my daughter even tho they came first.... n that he didnt really watch them grow up n doesnt have that connection wiith them like me and his daughter...and thats good and well but they are still his kids and he loves them...and id love to be able to love them but i cant..i dont have it in me to be motherly to another womans children...he told me to thats why a lot of people liked the girl he dated before me cuz she would take them to the movies, to the park, etc...she was basically trying to buy his love tho cuz he didnt real like her but she bought him a ton of stuff so he stuck around like an ass lol but i told him that sorry honey im not fake im not gonna sit here and pretend to wanna do stuff when i dont i told him i dont have it in me to get close to yes your children..BUT your children with ANOTHER woman..they arent mine....n i kno he wishes that i was closer but its definitley not make or break for him ....cuz i even get tickets for us for the zoo or the fair or whatever and he doesnt say anything like oh get tickets for the boys n once again i feel bad ill make sure i get me him and my daughter a ticket and not tell him till after they are bought so that i dont have to buy them one n plus he can be like a kid when it comes to money so its hard on me when he doesnt have a job so id just say well sorry but unless somebody else pays for them i cant afford it...at this point im venting lol so im going to stop but yeah it sucks when you wish you werent the way you were but circumstances plus mother nature (certain animals will deny babies who arent theres) make you this way

n to the subject of gender yes its different in the sense that ive had 2 boyfriends who had kids tell me they wouldnt have dated me if I had a kid ...aint that somethin... and yes one day he mention that he wish she would give him one of his kids n i didnt mince words i said what so i could carry him finacially and watch him too since i know your not gonna watch him its gonna be Melissa get him this! Melissa cook them that! Melissa! Melissa....and again he doesnt work and I CANT AFFORD an 8 year old that has field trips and school things and back to school things...no i told him sorry but unless you were the one to care for him completely its not happening (not that the mom would let it happen anyways she would never give one of them up) but lucky for me she doesnt want them around us n thats why its just me him and my daughter 90% of the time....so yes the step mom will always have more on her plate than a stepdad...mom is a mom is a mom is a mom...she is the caretaker mainly of kids so its harder on her

Ummmm.

There’s actually being research done on this. It is biology? Possibly evolutionary if I remember correct?

Women are more selective when it comes to having children because it cost them more than men.

While men can biologically run around and have as many children as they want, only limited by how much sex they can have, a woman can only have about 1 a year max. Even now males of many animals will have multiple offspring at the same time from multiple females of their group.

Let’ also add that it is still the norm that the female after the divorce has it MUCH easier. Many times she is given a large amount of support from her ex while being given a lot of support from the community around her. If she marries again her partner is PRAISED and seen as the hero coming to rescue her. They can have another child knowing they get a paycheck from the ex subsidizing the first.

On the other end the male is paying a large amount of money meaning he has less to give to his new home. A new wife is seen in a negative light. She’s overstepping her bounds if she loves the children like her own while called a wicked step mom if she doesn’t devote every moment of her life to the child. Many end up unable to have another child or if they do they do so knowing that the struggle will be intensified because again a large amount of the fathers income is going to the other home. In general we look at the step mom as a replacement and her children as replacement children. We don’t ignore or downplay a child’s fears in this area and we tell them it’s perfectly normal.

But remember back at moms everyone’s one big happy family.

Stepmothers may go in with the best intentions but the setup is against them, while stepfathers are given everything to make it easier for them. That can cause resentment, frustration, and yes jealousy.

Never mind. This is a nearly 7yo thread.  Ughhh. I need to read the date of the OP before I get all into a response.

As the say, follow the money.  In the experience of most StepDads Skids represent either an inflow of cash to the family coffers or at worst it is neutral.  Rarely does a StepDad have the stress of his SO paying CS rather than receiving it.

That is IMHO the biggest part of what SMoms struggle with .... compounded with the tendency of BMs to be extremely difficult to deal with for SMs and for the SM's SO.

The solution is for the SM's equity life partner to actually be an equity life partner, to put their wife and marriage first above all else including any children in the home regardless of kid biology and for damned sure they have to keep their X under control.  All of this includes managing the drain on finances that the NCP is responsible for.  CS and any other CO'd financial responsibilities should be the limit of the financial contribution that an NCP in a subsequent marriage makes to their initial marriage family members.  Beyond that, any expenditure for Skids should be a joint decision between the spouses.

Zero money that benefits the X should ever be provided beyond what is ordered by the court.

These elements go a long way to the closeness that a SMom may have with her Skids.

You mentioned rejection of Skids being a biological thing. I believe that at some level that is truth.   I equate it to an Animal Planet special on Lions.  When a new male takes over a pride the first thing that usually happens is for that new male to kill the young progeny of his predecessors in order to free up resources for his own progeny and to induce estrus in the breeding age lionesses.  I struggled with a visceral revulsion to my own SS while his mom and I were dating.  

Fortunately humans have intellect and the ability to act beyond pure mammalian instinct.  So I changed my response to the presence of the kid, raised him as my own, and love him unconditionally... or at least as long as he keeps his relative behavioral shit together.  He asked me to adopt him when he was 22.  We made that happen.

It makes sense that unrelated child that takes resources from and injects toxic drama into SM's family would be rejected by the SM at a core mammalian level.

When the idiots in the black harry potter robes repeatedly awarded the SpermIdiot an income reduction credit of $1000/mo for CS calculation purposes due to my income it pissed me off to no end.  Even the maximum income reduction credit only reduced his CS obligation by $50/mo  We never needed the money but that the morons on the court bench awarded any benefit at all to the SpermClan from my income still chaps my ass many years after my son aged out from under the Custody/Visitation/Support CO.  So.... I can understand how absolutely nauseating it must be seeing potentially $thousands/mo of marital income going to support what is highly likely to be a toxic, nasty, ill behaved prior relationship breeding experiment household invader that is a toxic influence in the SM's home, marriage and family.

I would suggest that you look at what influences are in play that drive your brides issues with prior relationship baggage on her acceptance of her Skids.  Then do something about those issues and not leave the requirements to deal with it all on your bride's shoulders.  She married you. She did not marry your X nor did she marry your kids.  Keep that in mind.

IMHO of course.