How to remove attachment to things?
I am so frustrated! SD10 came home on Saturday from spending the summer with her mother. It has been hell trying to get her to calm down from being angry, crying, and even throwing full out hysterical fits about how she doesn't want to live with us. Living with us is the best option for her because her mother is only a year and a few months out of prison for drug convictions. Her mother lives 1000 miles away so visitation is just on school holidays.
The most frustrating thing is her attachment to every material thing that mother ever touched, smells like, even friggin took a dump on from the seems of things. When she first came home she refused to unpack her suitcase because she wanted to keep it the exact way that mommy packed it. No. Get over it, you don't keep two packed suitcases and don't use anything from them just because your mom packed it. We managed to get that unpacked last night, but every time she unpacked one thing she's unfold it, smell it, and then start sobbing the name of the person who gave it to her. For instance, her mom's best friend. Not even her mom. Just her mom's best friend. Give me a break here! How can her mom's friend mean more to her than her father? I know she's hurting but this is just insane!
She's also been wearing the same sweatshirt since Saturday, both to bed and all day because it was her mom's and it smells like her. Last night we put our foot down and said she has to wash it, because its starting to smell like cheese, and her mom doesn't smell like cheese, at least we hope not. That cause more tears and freaking out. Her mom also gave her a skeleton key to her house that she clips onto this sweatshirt, wearing it right over her heart (I'm guessing that's why its clipped there). This is so dangerous for a kid who will be running around playing at school today! We told her last night she could no longer wear the key while she's sleeping, and she freaked out. We told her she would have to put it in her pocket if she wanted to keep it with her at school. I just saw the pictures from my husband putting her on the bus and there it was clipped to her chest. I'm so pissed off. Get over it, they're just things! They mean nothing! If we threw ALL of it away today, it would not change the fact that you love your mother, and your mother loves you. I cannot stand this anymore, I think I'm going to go insane. She also will only wear her mother's hand me down clothes and the shoes that her mother bought for her. She looks like a homeless person in these clothes. She refuses to do her hair because the last person who did her hair was her mom.
We've been seeing a counselor and she's not depressed, she just has to go through this grieving process every damn time she sees her mom. Its so upsetting to constantly have to deal with this! She is a smart little girl and I think she thinks that if she refuses to be happy and makes herself sad even about everything she used to love, that she'll get her way and get to go live with her mom. Guess what, honey? It doesn't work that way! Daddy is already talking about how maybe the counselor was right and we need to CUT some of the visitation with your mother! That is the exact opposite of what she thinks this will do. We cannot let you go and live with a drug addict, at least not until we know she's clean, trustworthy, and has a steady job & life. If you can't go and visit your mom without getting so upset that you start banging your head on the floor when you come back, then you are not going to get to go anymore!
ARRRGGGGGGHHHHHH..
So, how's everyone else's week been?? 
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Ugh, my SD is like this too.
Ugh, my SD is like this too. But with grandma instead of her bm (grandma raised her from 3months til 4 years old when we got her). EVERY little friggin thing had this huge significance. It got really bad for a while until I just put my foot down.
She was even making crap up about random things that had nothing to do with grandma. She had this whole story about this little bag in her hand... how it was her grandmothers special bag and how she gave it to her and told her to keep it safe. I looked at it and it was a friggin old cheese packet from a box of mac and cheese that she took from the garbage. After that, knowing that she was just lying and making shit up to get attention, I stopped catering to any of it.
She still has an unusual attachment to "stuff" and not just in relation to her grandmother (that calmed down with time, but it flares up whenever she goes for a visit). She constantly hoards garbage and random junk. She has this crazy need to keep everything, and I truly think she will be a full blown hoarder when she gets older. Last day of school last year she came home with everyone else garbage.... Broken crayons, empty glue sticks, a cup of pencil shavings (??!?), notebooks with three pages left in them. I just throw it all out now.
This is exactly how I feel! I
This is exactly how I feel! I really worry that she has hoarding tendencies. Her mother and her maternal grandmother's houses are cluttered with so much crap that they could be on Clean House - Messiest Home in the Country (is that show still on?). I am sure there's something going on there. But I think that her BM also puts the emphasis on these things to get her to feel better, but instead of just having her get attached to ONE thing that represents her mom, she's attaching it to everything she can find! How old is your SD? How long did it take for her to cut down on all this?
She is nine now. There's
She is nine now.
There's always an initial burst of it when she comes back from a visit to grandmas house (she sees grandma once or twice a year).... She cried hysterically for almost an hour two Xmases ago (after spending a week ay grandmas) when I went to pack up her Xmas blanket. She somehow was under the impression that grandma bought it for her. When she realized that I had bought it, she instantly dried up, threw it in the box and skipped off on her merry way.
But she got better (relatively) around age 7. But by better, she's just more sneaky about hoarding things. I cleaned her room out this summer while she was gone visiting grandma and I hauled three giant contractor sized garbage bags of trash out of her room.
wow! sadly, i would send her
wow! sadly, i would send her back to her mom full time! }:-)
Whoa - that is an
Whoa - that is an overreaction!
Glad she's seeing a counselor! Sounds like she needs some help working out how to express feelings.
There was another SM on here some time ago that told of a stepson that would freak out every time he came home from BMs. When they finally got him to talk about it he said that BM would be sad if he wasn't extremely upset to be apart form her. Once they gave him permission to be OK he was fine.
Sounds like your BM might be working some of that same angle.
How long was BM in prison?
How long was BM in prison? Was SD present when she was arrested? It almost seems like she has some form of PTSD? This is her way to cope with her mom being taken away from her. She is desperately trying to hold on to her mom so she is not taken away from her again. It seems very sad and I am sure frustrating to deal with, maybe she needs a new counsellor? This girl sounds like she needs more therapy and less time with her mom. The whole summer was probably too much time for her to be there.
She was in prison for a year
She was in prison for a year and a half, but she got arrested 5 years before that and was in and out of rehab for 5 years and kept messing up and using again in between that time. So she definitely has some seperation anxiety. I try to be very patient and not get upset with her, rather just be positive and supportive, but thats why I came on here to vent, you know? I'm at my wits end! The counsellor wants us to try and work together to get through this and come back for more sessions if we can't work through it together. Its only been 4 days, so if things don't start to come back to normal we'll have to set up an appointment. I just hope we can afford it! I agree she needs less time with her mom, but its so hard because you don't want to restrict a kid from a parent that loves her? I'm not defending BM's actions or crimes, but she does seem to be pulling things back together since being released, so I think she really is trying for her kids sake, but at the same time, we're still cleaning up the mess she left behind!
Do you have a good
Do you have a good relationship with BM or at least good enough that you can broach the subject with her. It might help on her end if she starts preparing SD to come home earlier than the day of or the day before. Additionally, maybe she can send just a little trinket (a napkin with her perfume smell or a handkerchief and explain to SD that she can't carry it all the time but can smell it when she really misses her. I have had some clients who sit down with their children well in advance and explain you can have this item, but you don't want to wear out it's special powers by using it all the time. Just use it (hold it, etc) when you really really need to, and it has worked wonders. I have had foster homes tell me that when the parent is involved in this process actively that it helps the transition when the visit ends. But, of course, your BM has to also be on board.
BM actually flew out here in
BM actually flew out here in May and visited with SD10, and came to a therapy session with both us and SD. She has been involved in the process and when we're present, BM seems to be saying all the right things. But some connection is not being made when we're not around, I think. The trinkets were the idea to begin with, but the problem is, its not just one or two things - its everything every time. I need to ask DH to get on the phone with BM again and address this attachment with her - ask her to have a talk with SD about how things are not important, it will not change the love in her heart. She was helpful in calming SD down on the phone the time she was throwing a fit, so I really think she wants her daughter to be happy, I just think there's something inadvertently being said or communicated otherwise when she's there for these huge periods of time. She re-establishes that place as her home (oh, and the town her mom lives in made the top 100 dangerous cities to live in list last year. Great.)
How sad. The more frustrated
How sad. The more frustrated you guys act about it, the more she is going to feel that way. As annoying as it is, could you find one or two things she can sleep with and not wear? How old is she anyway? Of course Mom is probably telling her how bad she misses her and wishes she could live with her (knowing its lip service and she won't have to take her full-time). Our BM used to do that with SD. They used to plan for SD to live there, but BM never had any intention of it. I would feel offended because there DH and I were doing everything for the kid and she would sneak and talk to BM about rather living with her in the motel room.
I think the more you fight with her on it, the more she is going to cling to it. The rules are you wear appropriate clothing and bathe and wash said clothing, and we are happy to talk about Mommy and put things in your room from Mommy and we know you love and miss Mommy, but also you want Mommy to be happy even when you're not able to be there - well think how MUCH Mommy loves YOU - she wants YOU to be able to have a good school year and be happy TOO.
I know - I try to stay
I know - I try to stay patient and positive with SD when this is happening, but all day every day really wears on a person! She's 10. We did think that BM was communicating to SD that she would live with her again and that she didn't think that living with us was best for her, but when she came to a counseling session earlier this year with us (she flew out to visit, so we incorporated that in),the counselor made in clear that she can't do one thing (sign the papers) and say another. She has to stick to her decision. It doesn't help that poor SD thinks its totally her fault that she lives with us at all because her mom asked her whether or not she wanted her to fight for her before this all happens and SD said she should save her money to get out of jail. It was never SD's decision - mom is in prison, of course dad would get custody! But she still thinks that it was what she said back then that created this outcome. We're trying to work through all those misunderstandings. Her mom has been telling her that she wants her to be happy in both places, but I think this is just SD punishing herself everytime she likes it out here - its as though she feels like she's betraying her mom. And even though BM always says she wants her to be happy out here when we're in earshot, we have no way of knowing what is being said when we're not around. Its really easy for SD to overhear bitter conversations - she tends to eavesdrop and is so smart - she's so much wiser than her years. Poor kid just needs to be a kid.
Anyway thanks for your comments - I think the only thing to be done is keep working through it. I am trying not to make a big deal of her attachments, the only thing I will not let her do is endanger herself or be unhygienic. Clothes must be clean and keys must not be attached to chests!