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Disengaging

Blue stepmother's picture

I would like to talk about disengaging , because it is the greatest tool I have ever used and has made such a difference in our lives!!

alwaysanxious's picture

It helps your own sanity. Although, some DH's SO's get offended by the action.

Cindylou's picture

I am so excited to find this website. I went to a counsellor today to "fix" whatever is wrong with this family. My partner's sons are in constant need of his attention - ages 20, 21 and 22 years. It doesn't matter where we are or what we are doing - they call or text him and ofcourse he has to immediately respond in case they "need" him. Their mother left and moved away when they were 12, 13 and 14 yrs. so "Daddy" is everything to them. The BM comes to visit a couple times a year but not really involved. I wish she was, to take the pressure off of their dad. He still feels guilty about their mother leaving so has an excuse for all their selfish actions and his responses. We lived together for a year and I moved out. It saved our relationship. However, I still feel like these sons are always going to be problems.

I asked the counsellor if there is a book or something I could read about dealing with stepchildren...not that she knew. So, this is wonderful to hear that others are having similar issues. I really need to quit trying so hard to get them to like me and just disengage. I love that!! However, their dad does need someone to talk to about their problems. It is hard for me to hold back but I know he cannot take criticism of his "boys". So, I just listen. My sons are grown and living their own lives. My partner only has to be with them occasionally. I know he would like for us to have a "regular" family but I guess that only happens in fairy tales. For my own sanity I need to take a step away when it comes to his kids. Do relationships survive these issues?

StepmomTX's picture

I totally agree with you, its not a fairy tale at all. I have four bio kids I have to parent to, but my DH expects me to do it for his kids, when he needs to step up to the plate and parent his own kids. He thinks I need to help him parent his kids, no I don't. I have disengaged, but come to think of it, I have never tried to tell them anything. I have always come to the DH with any issues, so that he could handle it. But he thinks that I am wrong, but then says I am tattling on the skids. Its not tattling, its trying to get a father to be a father to his sons. He will not even take them hunting, fishing, or father-son outings on his own. He claims I need to go too. Yeah right....when hell freezes over. They only come on some weekends or they feel like it, sometimes we can go weeks without seeing them. So I think when he gets them, he needs to strengthen the father-son bond on his own, not with me there. He also gets upset when my kids want to be alone with me from time to time. He is with me ALL the time. We argue every time I want to spend time alone with my bio kids.

OtherSideOfTheRainbow's picture

Yes, relationships can survive these issues. DH had similar expectations when we met, that I would become "dream mum".  The boys have a mum, difficult though that relationship may be for them.  (Actually, there's no "may be" about that!) and because of the emotional load of that maternal relationship, the boys didn't want a replay of that with me. And honestly, though I care about them and am protective of them, it's not the same feeling as I have with my nieces and nephews, whom I held shortly after their birth. 
 

Disengaging is absolutely valid. Having discussions with DH is important too for the emotional trust of your relationship. He has to know what you feel, and he has to know what your boundaries are *after the two of you negotiate*. It's a relationship, not a dictatorship. You can't dictate his behaviour. You can discuss what you find troubling and the two of you together can work out solutions. If it's done as a matter of course, with respect for each other, then it makes your relationship stronger. And your step kids will see that you work as a unit, and that for me has led to a real decrease in hostility from them to me. Now I am Dad's wife, asked how I'm going, and remembered on my birthday. No games anymore, just adults getting on with life. 

Jsmom's picture

I disengaged when it got really bad and it forced DH to wake up and start seeing who SD was becoming with lack of parenting. It was great. I am now starting to re-engage with SS since he is now with us full time and wants nothing to do with his mom. I still let DH handle everything, I am just more vocal now.

Honestly I just wish I had done it earlier...

nicksmom's picture

I'm giving this whole "disengaging" thing a try, too. My SKids have 2 parents that are perfectly capable, so instead of exhausting myself trying to be the best stepmom ever, I'm focusing on being the best mom ever to our 9yo daughter, and it's amazing how much better I feel. I've never been a "not my kid, not my problem" stepmom, but maybe I should've long ago. Now when SD calls/emails/texts me with a problem/question, I forward it to her dad, or tell her she'd better touch base with her mom or dad for an answer. We'll see how this goes.

2KidsontheBlock's picture

Wow! I could have written this very post. Too funny. I GUESS i've been disengaged for many, many years. I also felt very guilty and felt like the "evil" step-mom. But when I found this forum, all my feelings were normal and ok. It has been such a tremendous weight lifted. I thought I had to try really hard to get along with SD14. And I tried and tried. But nothing worked. So now I am completely disengaged. And I'm so happy and not feeling a bit of guilt for feeling this way.

Igiveupsotornupinside's picture

I agree with this! There should be a section for disengaging. Going through it right now.