disengaging and relationships
Forums:
Many of us talk about disengaging, keeping our life seperate from our skids.
Has anybodys relationship/ marriages survived through the drama?
After 13 years of marriage, 15 yrs of being together I think I could walk away and be a happier person. The only thing tying me to my husband is our child together. The BM and sk drama has left me a different person...and tired
I survived disengaging, DH
I survived disengaging, DH and I have been together for eight years now. SKids are horrendous, it never ends! What does end for me is the 'give a shit' mode, I no longer concern myself with what they are doing. I love them, more than they'll ever know, or deserve, but I am not taking any active role in their lives. I am not hostile towards them, I am not asking them for anything or giving them anything.
It's entirely up to DH how he handles them, I used to get so upset, tried so hard but there was no progresss with them. They just saw me as a means to get what they wanted from their dad, they'd lie about what I said or did, so he'd feel bad for them and 'compensate' them. If I am not doing or saying then there's no play off for them! DH pretty quickly saw what was going on and he did take the measures I'd been asking for all along...ironic or what?
I can give you some horror stories...LOL
Here lies my struggle: I'm a
Here lies my struggle:
I'm a divorced kid
Had a bad SM experience, and a good stepdad experience as an adult.
I love them to bits but grew tired of the playing the houses.
I grew up that if you don't respect someone and treat them nice you should not expect or ask anything of them.
I don't like them in my house because I'm tired of living under a microscope. It stresses me out to have them over.
It is very hard for me not to care, and not to try to be involved with their lives.
It drains me to nothing.
I understand the whole
I understand the whole difficulty with disengaging thing. I constantly disengage and engage! I usually give in b/c I just cannot stand it any more when his room is such a nasty mess that it makes the hallway stink, the bathroom stink (b/c he will not try to pee INTO the toilet),doesn't pick up his stuff, leaves sticky spills on the kitchen floor and counter, hogs all the food, has a horrible attitude and LIES like a rug ALL the time (DH does pretty much nothing about it), doesn't do the trash or dishes (I do). I just get sick and tired of seeing him sit on his lazy butt and do nothing whil DH and I work full time and I do the rest of the stuff at the house! Plus he is so embarrassing when he does get asked to stay the night at someones house(which is rare except for family). Example: I just found out yesterday that he pooped outside when he was outside doing things with family!! :jawdrop: In the middle of the acres of my DH's mom and dads house! REALLY!!!! I understand your problem with disengaging! I just cannot stand it at times!!! Oh, and he is turning 14 next month!
Windee the kid is
Windee the kid is deliberately engaged in disrespect and it'll get worse without serious psychiatric help. Why are you still there?
I love my husband. I just
I love my husband. I just wish that we could agree on discipline and boundaries.
I survived. But I'm not sure
I survived. But I'm not sure that's the right word. Surviving would happen if you didn't disengage. I survived because I DID disengage from her two girls who were both teenagers at the time. My point being age has something to do with it.
Usually the problem people have with the process is they don't understand they have to completely disengage. They often think they have to tell the kid what to do, or not do, when in fact to be successful one has to completely ignore what's going on around them when it involves the kid.
Unless the kid is building a fire on the living room floor you let them alone.
I have not really been
I have not really been engages in their life for 4 yrs maybe a little more. I do what DH needs me to do, usually staying in the background. I cooked because my family needed to eat. I quit buying clothes, doing extras for them. When they are in our house I will engage in polite conversation as if they are strangers. It is sk treatment of dh and his family that I have an issue, not so much dh taking advantage of me.
I encourage my DH to be involved, I remind him to contact SD21.
I'm faced with a decision in actively attending SS sporting activities, more to be with my DH. If not the I won't see much of him for the season. That means coming face to face with bm which I try not to do anymore.
I struggle with this as well.
I struggle with this as well. I'm half engaged, I guess you could call it.
I stepped in to make breakfast since DH had to get some work done that was last minute and time sensitive. Usually? Up to him to feed her. AND- we had a slumber party with her cousin, so I felt responsible for the other child. He thanked me afterward, and I know he is sincere.
I'm not hostile, but I'm polite to her. He is a total Disney dad and spent 2 days doing what should have taken place over about 4 days, then complained of exhaustion... I pick and choose when I'm with them vs. when I need to get things done, or quite simply need alone time.
I REALLY try not to get upset with what I see as lax parenting. There are some times SD12 needs to be told to cut the sh!t, and stop with the attitude, but DH still tries to coax her to smile and laugh. He doesn't see the attention seeking yet. YET... Super hard for me, as I was brought up with parents that were militant about manners and etiquette. Then she gets rewarded for sulking and pouting and being generally miserable by him taking her out on some outing she wants. I just sigh now. Her behavior will come back to bite him. NOT. ME. It's slow, but I'm seeing him get more and more enlightened everytime she comes over.
The last time for example- he heard her incessant harping about her BM and little sister in my ear.(different baby-daddy) So he removed me from the situation which effectively shut her down. Then later on, when BM had some nonsense drama, she ran down to tell him and he gave a non-committal, 'uh huh'. The 3 other people in the room didn't even respond. I wanted to kiss him and clap!