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Heartbroken and Depressed

exhausted's picture

I have had issues with my daughter all through her growing up. But nothing quite prepared me for this. She graduated in 2006, and has had 9 jobs so far, moved back home with me 8 times since graduation. She has no friend pools for support as she seems to burn out people who are in her life. She is quite manipulative and a pathological liar. These words are not very easy for me, as I have spent the last 19 years cleaning up after she makes a fine mess of her life, and until now,I was in denial. The last straw was late in Sept, she was living back with me yet, had a bf that I most definitely did not like. One day she and this bf showed up at my work, kinda suspiciously acting and I had no clue. Although I had set rules down at home, she at this point was basically living with this bf and his family. I had taken them (the bf and my daughter) out to lunch on a Wed, because they were saying that they were hungry and didn't have money for food, so I took them out to eat, and bought them food for the home. The next day, was the day they showed up at my work, "because they were bored", or so they said! When I came home from work, I noticed that my engagement ring was missing out of my jewelry box. I spent the next 2 days searching for it! Thinking I placed it in, in an unusual place, I kept searching until on day 3 of the searching I came home to all of my rings gone! I called the police, and was waiting for their arrival. I also called my daughter, to come home (she lives 25 miles away in a neighboring town) and told her of my missing jewelry and I wanted her to help me find them. She indeed did show up, but I forgot to tell her that I called the police, in the frenzied state I was in, I truely forgot! When the police came she took my cell phone out on the deck, and placed a call, I hollered at her to come back and how could she be on the phone while the police were here. Three days later I got a call from the police, saying they had my jewelry and retrieved it from a pawn shop, and had arrested my daughter who admitted to stealing it! I was numb. I never even thought she would do this! She spent 6 days in jail, and called me for her bail. When I confronted her with my feelings, she hung up on me. The bf is now gone, with 2 more under her belt. She has never asked for forgiveness, said sorry, nor has she taken responsibility for act. I got a call out of the blue from her on Thanksgiving saying she was living in a near by state (about 2hrs away from me) her last court date was Mon, and she asked if I was going, because she wanted me meet her new bf! I was to say the least livid! She has not worked since August, and does not really care too at all! She acted like nothing has happened! Did I mention she was consoling me when the police were at my home? My ring is an heirloom passed down from my grandmother to me and when I became engaged we took it in and had it redesigned and added a few smaller stones. She knew it was an heirloom, but chose to pawn it for $1200.00. I am having such a terrible time with this. I feel I never really knew my daughter at all. It never sank in until now how ill a young lady she is. I have had her in counseling since she was 5yrs old, and have done everything every Dr. encouraged me to do for her! I am to say the least heartbroken and despaired! Please help!

Hanny's picture

you are going through. Although my daughter is older. She's had more jobs and has been fired from almost all of them. She got married a year ago August. She works pretty steadily, but her husband is hit and miss. In fact because he quit his job a few months ago, they lost their apartment and now are living in a van. They have lied to me, borrowed money and never paid it back. I have been paying her car insurance forever, and paid for their cell phones. Came up with utility money, gas money, etc. Then a few months ago they borrowed money and I was very adamant about the repay, and they lied and didn't pay me back. That's when I found out the husband had quit his job. So I cut off their cell phones, and insurance. That's when they lost their apartment. We didn't speak for a couple of months, but then she called out of the blue and has never apologized for not paying me back and lying to me. I feel so sorry for my daughter going through this, but at 27 years old she has to be responsible for herself. I have enabled her for all her life, and with the help of a counselor I am able to listen to her stories and see her living in a van (sometimes on the street) and actually most of the time I don't feel too bad about it. I am worried about them, yes, but I am working on living my life and letting her live her life. There is a time when we have to stop enabling these kids and let them grow up. It's the 'tough love' even if they aren't involved in drugs, which she isn't. They are just lazy, or at least her husband is. I'm tired of doing without so I can help them out so he doesn't have to work.

I have been blaming myself for my daughter's actions for a long time, but when I started seeing a counselor I have been able to get away from some of the guilt. I suggest maybe you see a counselor to help you work through some of these feelings.

exhausted's picture

Support is always comforting. You are right, I do blame myself. And it's the tough love that is keeping me in my I feel guilty stage, for not helping her this time. But I do realize I must do this for her own good. Thank you for your response.

Anne 8102's picture

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I don't have any advice, but I don't think you need any. You are doing the right thing. She really does need to face the music and learn how to stand on her own two feet. Better late than never. You know, I've always believed that a good parent is a parent who frets about whether or not they did the right thing, whether or not they are a good parent, whether or not they made the right choices for their children. A bad parent is one who never stops to consider whether or not they are doing right by their children. You're a good parent. Hang in there!

~ Anne ~

"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook

exhausted's picture

I am so thankful that I found this site. It is quite a relief to have support. I am heartbroken, but not broken. I know it is the right thing to do, because it's so incredibly hard. But tell my mind that, late at night as it is racing with thoughts. I think that I am having such difficulties with this because I have not been given the opportunity to forgive her, because she hasn't asked for forgiveness! Nothing! All she has stated is that "I told you I needed money". My reply was, "then get a job". It blows my mind. The holidays are hard, as she is my only daughter, I'm not used to thinking about myself, and what I enjoy, I'm used to focusing on her needs. This whole experience is teaching me about myself all over again. You parents know, exactly what I mean too. For 20 yrs, I focused on my daughter, and recently I have sometimes caught myself looking in the mirror saying "Who the heck is that?" So I have been forced to find myself all over again. It feels selfish, but I am finding that I am stronger than I give myself credit for! What a journey!!!

Thank you all for reading, and your guidance, it means alot to have support!