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Frustrated!

Ronda's picture

I can't believe there is a site for people like me!!! Yeahhhh!. Just a little history. My husband is the custodial parent of a now 14 year old girl. I met my husband after he had been divorced for two years. His daughter had just turned eight. For the past 6 years I have functioned as "mom". Her birth mom ( I will not call her mother) has never paid child support, refuses to pay and is now about 27,000 in arrears. Her visits have always been sporadic and for the past two years we did not know where she was or what she was doing. Now after two years she has returned. You would think that she would come back and be grateful at how well our daughter is doing. Not her. She is back to making promises that she cannot keep, as well as telling our daughter that she wants her to live with her and that I am "stepmom", not mom.
I know that this is just the devil trying to make trouble at such a crucial time in our daughters life (puberty), but it is so frustrating to watch her highs and lows (depending on how much affection she gets from the BM). The BM criticizes us to our daughter and even told our daughter that the reason she was gone for two years is because of us! When the BM called after two years and demanded to see her on her birthday, we were so shocked at the call, we agreed to it (big no,no). I wish we could take that back so badly. We talked to our daughter before the visit and asked her to just enjoy her BM's company, but that there would be no discussion about moving in with BM, because she has a home here. Well everything seemed okay, until the Thurs before Mother's day. I was putting away laundry in my daughters room and saw a note she left on top of some school books. It was a note to her BM about how our daughter know deep in her heart that her BM had always been there for her and not to tell her father or (and this is the part that really hurt me) her stepmom!!! I was so stunned. I have always been the one to push my daughter to express her feelings about BM, be they positive or negative. I used to push her to call BM to maintain some type of relationship, until she told me one day she was tired of calling and she wanted BM to call her. After that I just encouraged her to express her feelings about BM and not to feel like she should hide her love/hurt/whatever. To see this letter after I have covered for BM's many broken promises, missed visits really, really, hurt. I talked to my daughter and asked her was that the way she really felt about me and our relationship, daughter broke into tears and said she wrote the letter because she wanted BM to love her and that BM was making promises and could not even call her. We had a long talk and I explained that some parents are not "everyday" parents and that her BM was being the best mom that she could be and that she should love her and accept her, faults and all. What I really wanted to say was something totally different. I think of all the things I do for our daughter and cannot believe that just that fast, I have become "Stepmom". I'm a girl scout leader for my daughter and several 4th,5th and 6th graders. I have taken her to every basketball practice, choir rehearsal, usher board meeting and have a good working relationship with her teacher, and we always had long heart to heart talks about everything from A to Z. What more can I do?!

Sorry for ranting, but I needed to get some of this hurt off my chest.

Signed: Frustrated in Indy.

Comments

lovin-life's picture

Try not to feel hurt. I think she just wants it to be true .... that her bio-mom really is there for her...like a defense mechanism..if she pretends she really does love her and is there for her...she won't hurt so much. It's got to be so hard for a child to figure out why their own mother would abandoned them. Sounds like the x is out to make your life difficult...win custody...turn the child support tables maybe..? My daughter is 13...and is starting to figure out alot of things when it comes to her Dad...they aren't stupid. Things may swing back & forth for the next few years. I think she'll figure out who really is there for her and who's running games!! She is being pressured by bio-mom....no doubt about it!! What a terrible position to be put in. Don't take it to heart...you are the only mom she has known for the last 6 years. You are the woman who has nutured her!! Don't let the Bio-Mom sabbotage your relationship with her...sounds like she will do anything to alienate you guys. Don't give Bio-mom the power. It will eventually backfire on her. Hang in there!!

Ronda's picture

Thanks for the support. I know that we should try to hang in there and not let her get to us, but it is so hard. We have seen an attorney and will be going to court about her refusal to pay. The attorney assured us that even if by some miracle she could get custody, with what she owes, she would have to pay us, not the other way around. I'm afraid that once BM realizes there is no monetary value in our daughter for her, she will stop calling for good this time. I hate to think of the "acting out" we will have to deal with once BM disappears. The BM has an older daughter (raised by BM's mother) that just turned 18. Any money BM was getting for this child is about to dry up as the child is not going to college. We figure that is why she has the sudden interest in our daughter. As a woman I find it so incredible that ther are so many bad mothers out there. I don't know if it's always been that way and you just didn't see it so much, but the women are just as bad as some of these absentee fathers. I just don't understand.

lovin-life's picture

We knew as soon as SD turned 18-19 ish her mother's interest in her would disappear, as the money dried up...sure enough! (That's the first thing that popped into my head when I read your story was that bio-moms motive was cash related!) My BF's X is a very manipulative woman with her own agenda in life..she doesn't care who she uses up to get what she wants!! Without my BF around to be used & abused the mom began showing her colors & using her girls..she used the youngest to collect a check..AND stole thousands out of her joint account that was supposed to go towards her university loan. Mommy dearest used it for a couple Cuban vacations, trips to Ontario, etc. for herself & her boyfriend. .... UNBELEIVABLE!!!!! But they're out there!!!

Dawn-Moderator's picture

Hi. I totally understand how you feel. I am the one that does all of the day to day things for my stepson. I take him to appointments, boy scout meetings, e-mail the teacher regularly, makes sure he has everything he needs, etc. The works. Yet, I will still always be the stepmom. I know it stinks sometimes. Stepson worships his mom no matter how bad of a mother she is. Yes, she has gotten somewhat "better" over the years but she still couldn't keep up with the things that I have to do! Stepson would not be the kid he is today whithout me. He wouldn't be doing hardly any extra activities without me, yet I didn't even get a call from him on Mother's Day!

Over time, I have come to the conclusion that "I"(and my husband) know that I am a better parent than biomom and I will walk with my head up high. Even in her presence. She knows it too but will never admit it. Too bad for her!

It is very frustrating but be proud of being a good parent/step parent!!!

Dawn

Ronda's picture

I felt like my husband and I were the only people in the world going through these problems until I happened upon this site. It helps so much to hear that others have the same problems and find out how people are dealing with the BM's and BD's that are out there.
I just pray that our court date comes up before the next holiday. We are supposed to leave our daughter with BM for 5 days. The thought of that woman having my child for five days unsupervised makes my skin crawl. It would be so nice if we did not have to worry about BM grilling our daughter about what we do at home or telling daughter how I don't really take care her or love her (yeah right) like BM does. She even used to tell my daughter that her hair was falling out because I wasn't taking care of it! (even though her hair is three times as long now as it was before I met Dad).
I know that most of the issue is monetary, but I also think she is angry because she always thought she would be able to get back with her ex and he did not want any part of her. Meeting and eventually marrying me put a nail in that coffin and she is determined to make us miserable any way she can.
I also think that our state is not as hard on delinquint mom's as they are on delinquint dads. If my husband owed that much in back child support he would be under the jail.
Oh, did I mention that BM is living with her mom. Talk about a parasite.
Anyway, my prayers go out to all of the "real" mom and dad's that are out there everyday working to make their child, biological or inherited Smile the best that they can be.

Dawn, I'm sure that your stepson would have called you on Moms day if he was allowed to do so. Jealousy from BM probably prevented that call from happening. Even after a two year absense, our parasite had the nerve to demand that our daughter spend Moms day with her. What a joke!

happy mom's picture

Not to worry about your stepdaughter, I'm sure she loves you deeply with all the stuff you do w/her. I think maybe she needs a relationship w/biomom cause she hasn't been there for her and maybe feels a bit guilty that her biomom is not w/her because of something she might have done. Self blame because biomom hasn't been around. Don't compare yourself w/biomom, you know you did your best in raising her. Let daughter develop relationship w/biomom, they need that. Perhaps happiness w/stepdaughter means having you and biomom in her life.

Ronda's picture

Hello Happy Mom,

I agree with you. If the contact with BM was positive contact then all would be fine. Unfortunately she has done nothing but try to cause problems and convince our daughter to live with her. Before her two year absence, she was a sporadic parent and sustained contact every two - five months or whenever the mood struck. The visits (which are to be supervised at the Grandmom's by the way) always consisted of promises that would never be fulfilled. We can already see the negative impact the contact has started to have on our daughter. She is becoming more withdrawn. We have worked too hard and have reached a crucial part in her educational and personal development to let this woman come in and wreck havoc with her.

My husband and I will continue to pray about this situation and hope the Lord brings us out of this problem with a happy, healthy child.

happy mom's picture

Let your daughter see her biomom, she needs to bond w/her. Just make sure that you keep daughter's behavior and actions straight so she doesn't get bad influences from biomom if any. Support your daughter regarding her wanting to spend time w/biomom. Perhaps ask her straight out, if she wants some time w/biomom when biomom is available to see her. If biomom's actions/behavior is out of line, then talk to her about it. I hope everything will goes well.

Sherrylyn's picture

These children never planned on the blended family. Biomom was gone & you formed a loving relationship with your husband & your SD. She probally calls you Mom without a second thought. Your SD may think that if she says & does all the right things that biomom will stay around.

I know it's hard when you are the driving force behind trying to keep SD & biomom's relationship current. Why should we have to do that? I have the same problem with my SS's. I can just scream sometimes. You know when biomom can be forgiven and totaly loved no matter what she does, & you well sometimes that can be a different story. My husbands ex demonstrated such good mothering skills & she still could if she wants to.

Just remember that SD can love both of you, she just has to work through it. Take care.

Ronda's picture

Well, she's baaaack!
We did not hear from our daughters BM so my husband called to find out if she wanted our daughter this w/e. My husband also told her we would not continue to call her and that if she did not call to confirm her visits, we would not drop our daughter off. Well, things went downhill from there. Bio mom insisted she did not need to call about visitation, that we needed to call her every other week. Then she hung up. Hubby called her again to tell her what time we would drop our daughter off and what time we would pick her up Sun, and again on 4th of July (it's supposed to be her holiday with biom). After I dropped off our daughter at BM's (my husband was at work), bio mom called my husbands cell and left a threatening message that we had better bring her over on tues and that if we did not, my husband was going to have some problems with her. She then called our home and left a hateful message, stating that I should have stayed outside of her home and explained why I was dropping off our daughter (who cares who drops her off as long as she gets there safe and sound?!!!). She then threatened again that if our daughter was not there on the 4th there would be trouble.

I am so tired of all of this fighting. I think we may have to suspend everything until we go to court. She has no intention of trying to have a civil relationship. Every little thing has to be a battle. Why in the world would someone need to call her to find out if she wants to see her daughter? Maybe because she has not been there on numerous occasions when we have driven 30 min to drop off our child. I hate the games she plays. I think part of the problem is that we sent her a bill for her portion of the orthodontic bill, not that I think she intends to pay, but still. You would think that after a deliberate two year absense and a massive child support bill that is due, she would try to get along with us. I'm so sad right now. And so very, very, tired of all of this. I am so worried about our daughter being over there. I don't know if bio was high or not, it just doesn't make any sense that she would call and harp about Tues when we already confirmed that we would drop her off. Oh, and did I mention that she demanded that our daughter be clean and dressed nice (like she's every anything but), this from a woman who will not even buy a toothbrush for our daughter to use when she visits. I think of how my mom and dad were with each other when they divorced and I am so grateful.

I pray that after our court date, this will be behind us until she gets some help. I really think she may be using again, she is so erratic.

If any of you have a prayer list, please put us on it. This is really hard to deal with.

sharon's picture

to anyone willing to give me advise or experienced advice. I am about to move in with a man with THREE kids age 8, 11, and 12, I already have two of my own, age 17 and 11. I love my boyfriend with all my heart, but am worried, very worried I will be overwhelmed with so many kids. My kids spend a lot of time with thier dad so thats normally my quiet time, my boyfriend has his kids 95% of the time, so there goes my quiet time. My fear? Can I handle three more kids, and what is the best way to go about it. I find myself only dating him now when he doesn't have his kids because I find thema a handful. Help!!!!