DH told SD26 "No"
SD26 is still lingering in our area. She is not coming to our house because she's mad that the last time she was here I laid down a boundary and firmly told her "No, you can't boss me around in my own house."
SD asked DH to meet-up with her today to do something together. DH told her no. Let the gnashing of teeth and tearing of clothes in despair begin!
Dh told me he doesn't want to deal with traffic, or her, today. He is worried she won't take no for an answer and will badger him about the what's and why's.
The old me might offer up advice or solutions or perhaps agree with him that she is extremely difficult to deal with and difficult to be around. This would lead to the very dissatisfactory outcome of him defending her or making excuses for her thus creating a potential for conflict between us. Not any more. I just gave my general sympathies as to how difficult that must be for him.
I am relieved that, as far as I know, he is not inviting or begging her to come here to see him. If he doesn't chase her she may just go away. That, or she'll eventually show up on our doorstep. It's a coin toss as to which tactic she'll take.
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Better days ahead?
Well hot diggity-dog, he's beginning to see the light! If your guy is anything like mine, he’d much rather spend time with you, in his peaceful home than out and about, dealing with traffic and an unrelenting spawn. Mind you, while those awful girls are, to some extent, a product of his inadequate parenting, I do feel sorry for him.
When men age, IMHO, they are less adept at coping with disruption and extravagant demands, much preferring their domestic comforts.
You are wise to make little comment in response to his complains about his daughters. When step-life was tormenting me, I learned to utter sympathetic “Hmmms” and “Huhs”; no vocalization required. Enjoy the peace and quiet, Hon, and pray it lasts. Like the crazy lady in ‘Fatal Attraction’, younger SD may not accept being ignored!
Thanks grannyd for your well
Thanks grannyd for your well-wishes to enjoy our peace and quiet.
You are spot on. DH is retired and enjoying a peaceful life. He did his time for years dealing with long work hours and long commutes with heavy traffic. He does prefer staying here with me, having a quiet life with few disruptions. We enjoy our time together and our little projects.
I do feel sorry for him as well. It's not entirely his fault that they are insufferable. He has good intentions that go awry.
I will try to remember to practice my "Hmmms" and "Huhs" Lol. I also use "alright" and "Uh, ok."
No doubt that SD will escalate. She doesn't take well to being less than the center of attention. He has rewarded her bad behavior and tantrums one too many times which only encourages her and teaches her to keep acting that way.
As the adage about the road to hell being paved with good
intentions goes......
I feel for him too. I do celebrate that he is gaining clarity that his life with you is where his peace is.
So many parents have good intentions in their post divorce lives when it comes to their failed marriage children. For some reason few seem to ever gain any clarity on the nature of what their children so often turn out to be.
I hope SD gets his not so subtle hint.
I'd have been tempted to say,
I'd have been tempted to say, "well, it wasn't that hard now, was it?" and walked away. OTOH, I've noted, from experience, that NOT saying it (ditto for "I told you so" in all its forms) annoys them even more.
Yeo, they just "know"
Yeo, they just "know"
As difficult as it it to let
As difficult as it it to let someone close to us handle (or in some cases not handle) their own problems without any input from us, in these situations, backing up and off is magical. You make a very good point about things too often turning around on us as scapegoats when we do make suggestions. So glad for you that this change is happening.
I'm laughing at your practice of "hmms" and "oks" etc! I know these well! In some cases I add a bland, "That's nice," never lifting my eyes from my book or iPad. lol.
Back in the day when DH would make regular trips to see the skids, I was not good at keeping my mouth shut. I'd ask questions. I'd offer unsolicited advice. Same when he returned. It always ended in conflict. Now, I say absolutely nothing. Time after time after time (the trips have been just a couple times a year for quite some time), he returns home looking beat up, drained, and let down, saying, "I missed you!" Well, if you enjoy THAT <shrug> A few days later he starts decompressing and begins talking about his concerns about x, y, & z and the whole cluster-f. It's those times when I ramp up my "hmm'ing" and "uh-huhing." If he tells me something especially bad, I shake my head like, yea, you did witness some crappy behavior. Then 6 months later he returns to the dangling carrots (grands), comes back, complains about all the money he spent, etc. Again, <shrug>.
With my DH, It's a rare day
With my DH, It's a rare day that he explicitly asks my opinion about the step D's. I guess he just wants to vent?
At this point even if he asks me a direct question about what I think I would be very cautious about it and probably say something neutral.
In that situation, how about....
"Wow, I'm sorry you have those concerns. That is not something I would tolerate."
Or something along those lines appropriate to the SKid related quesion he asks.
Or maybe even better, go Dr. Phil on him. "I wonder how that will work our for them/you?"
I like these!
I like that they are thought provoking. Especially "That is something I would not tolerate."; it would make me sheepish if used on me...I would definitely be rethinking things.
Thank you, I might add them, strategically, to my standard "Oh that's nice. What's for dinner?"
What a joy...
...it was when I felt the subtle shift of DH beginning to understand. Woot woot!
Oh my Lordy, Ya'll are not
Oh my Lordy, Ya'll are not gonna believe this. This one perhaps deserves a place at the top in the record books of crappy SK stunts and manipulations.
A while back DH told me that lingering SD sent him a text of "questions." He didn't expand upon it. I didn't ask questions, don't know, don't care. I know he'll talk about it with me if/when he wants to.
DH has been more moodly lately tho which is annoying because I know she is the one getting under his skin but then I get the joy of being around DH being in a bad mood because of her.
DH just told me that SD asked him to come take over her petsitting/housesitting job for a few days so that she can piss off fancy free to go travel with friends. LOL Even from afar she is scheming to come between DH and I. DH said "NO," of course.
What a b*atch. How is this exactly supposed to work? DH has no idea what the job entails. He goes into a home without the homeowner's knowledge or an agreement and what? Gets arrested? Smart SD, Smart.
What do you all think?
Stupid and crazy
What a stupid, crazy idea. If the homeowners knew, they'd have second thoughts about hiring a person with poor judgement. Shows intense immaturity and lack of forethought, responsibility and consideration. But, I guess you knew all that.
Good for your DH for saying No.
I hope these homeowners have
I hope these homeowners have cameras and catch all her stupidity on film and give her a bad review. Just for my own curiosity, I tried to find SD's pet sitting profile but nothing showed up under her name.
I am sure SD will try to find some other sucker to do her responsibility for her now that DH said no.
Today DH told me "SD is immature." Ya think???
*ROFL**ROFL**ROFL*
*ROFL**ROFL**ROFL*
She has ONE job. To stay at
She has ONE job. To stay at their house and take care of it and their pets. I'm guessing the job isn't for more than a few months. She can fk off for a few days AFTER it's completed.
ETA it's called pet *sitting* SD, so *sit* ya a$$ down!
She is very fickle with
She is very fickle with staying employed. She only lasts for an average of 2 weeks at most jobs. This job is until August, so not very long but it's too long for SD.
"Shows intense immaturity and
"Shows intense immaturity and lack of forethought, responsibility and consideration"
Thank-you for the validation JRI. These SD's make me feel crazy. They are smart enough to be somewhat functional but also smart enough to take manipulation and cunning to a new low. Smart but stupid.
They always remind me of my SD63
My SD63 is also kind of street smart but otherwise ignorant. 'Manipulation and cunning' - check, plus lying
On the plus side
This is the 2nd time he told her "no" in the last week. It must be quite the shock to the system for her.
Sounds like DH's balls may have finally found their way home.
One of those gut wrenching journeys where the wayward pets have to cross a continent to get home.
Only his balls had to escape from BM's and the Diablas' clutches before making the long harrowing journey.
No doubt they are not liking this much.
Well said Rags. It appears
Well said Rags. It appears that SD26 was not able to shirk her housitting responsiblity that SHE chose and go travel with her friends. Unbelievable that she tried to dump it on DH and cause a rift between DH and I.
I would hope that the pain of poor choices and bad behavior would teach her something but knowing how pig headed the Diablas are, probably not. DH and I didn't know she was going to be lurking in our area all summer because she likes to play coy for some god forsaken reason. She doesn't fill DH in on her plans until she has a demand to make of him.
We're going to be gone, enjoying ourselves on vacation for 2 weeks, while she gets to sit and stew at her transcient housesitting "job."