Why do SM get to do all the work?
So DH has two kids one we never see (last post was all that drama). The SD12 (soon to be 13) comes over every other weekend. DH spends maybe an hour with her the entire time she is over.
We have a pretty good relationship, I can't sit at home ever it drives me nuts. I work full time so when I am off work I want to go do things I like, shopping, crafting, anything but sit at home. SD12 always with me when she is at our house. And if we are sitting at home she is either glued to my side or hid in her room on her IPAD.
DH is just money to the kid, if she needs something she will just ask for money and pretend hes the best ever. That drives me nuts but hey he lets it happen.
We I have noticed the last few months the days before SD comes DH is a butthole. LIKE MAJOR!!! I am thinking why are we even getting her if its just going to be him ignoring her, me spending my time with her and him being grumpy. She lives around an hour away so I am the one who always goes gets and takes her home.
He never wanted children now he has two and it seems as if he put zero effort into them. When SD12 was around 2 I came into the picture, he saw her only on holidays. Some how around the age she started preschool she ended up moving in with us full time. Her mom would get her maybe once or twice a month.
When she started kindergarten we went for full custody (the entire time we had her full time stupid DH was paying child support never once thought about documenting anything). Well BM couldn't have him taking her money away so the courts ruled against us. So since then its been every other weekend and holidays.
Even when we had her full time it was my responsibility, yes allowed it to happen. I actually really don't regret it at all, I have no kids of my own and it was nice kind of having one. He never really bonded with her, now I think he would never admit it but I dont think he likes getting her.
Yes she is a sort of bratty but she is almost a teen, she is hyper, but I am also. I think its more of a headache for him then a good time. Also he may resent the fact she rather go with me then stay with him.
Does any one else deal with DH grumpiness before the SK come over? It was so bad last night, he made me so mad I wanted to just scream I HATE YOU and leave, but I do love him and it was to cold to really go outside!!! But i didn't instead I hid his pillow, when he came looking for it pretended I was asleep while he was asking where it was. (I know i need to grow up but if you ever want to piss a man off hide that when they are really sleepy).
this is just a bundle of rants and me trying to figure this SM thing out. (we are not actually married but its easier to just pretend we are, heck I've been around for ten years he isn't getting rid of me)
I'm sorry your dealing with
I'm sorry your dealing with it.
I think it's easy for men to kind of ignore being a parent. Our world accepts that they bring home the money and woman take care of the kids. Even when the woman works to. I don't think it's just that your a step-mom but that it's the gender roll playing again.
I know my dad was this way. Both my parents worked when I was younger and yet dad did nothing for us. He didn't even watch us if mom was late because that was her job.
The biggest thing she taught me about it though was that she allowed it.
My partner has had minor set backs but from moment one I have been on his case. It's hard because I understand sometimes he's tried and stuff but it's not an excuse. I've made threats to go to my moms for a weekend if he doesn't fix his behavior. I will follow through.
I'm VERY proactive to this. It's really hard to change things down the line. I'm not saying that to rub things in but that I understand. I see how easy it is to get where you are and I do not want that.
Hopefully with her being a teen she can start handling being required to take care of herself some more. You should be allowed to enjoy your weekend and not feel like the child is glued to you 24/7. Even if you were her BM you still have the right and your partner should be doing his job.
I deal with grumpiness more when the kids leave so I can't help you there.
"DH, I made plans on Friday
"DH, I made plans on Friday night, so you'll have to get SD."
"DH, I have plans Sunday night, so you'll have to get SD home."
Or, just don't be there on Sunday when it's time.
If you usually get her, and he doesn't go get her, then no SD at your house. No, it's absolutely not Fair to SD that her father doesn't want her, but it's not your responsibility to play "Mom" just because he won't put in any effort.
Don't let him argue with you. Just remain calm if he loses his mind. Just keep reiterating that you have plans. Even throw in that it would be good for him to spend some more time with SD. But stick with not getting her and you don't have the problem of doing everything anymore as I imagine your DH won't be bothered to visit his own daughter.
Why do SM get to do all the
Why do SM get to do all the work?
Apparently, because they will do it.
I did NOTHING that I did not want to do. Not pick ups, drop offs, entertaining, cooking, nothing.
Let your husband tend to HIS daughter, it is not your responsibility.
THIS
THIS
I can't tell if you really
I can't tell if you really mind SD or not. It sounds as if you sort of like having her around like a little buddy. I think I would have liked that too if it were possible. I guess the price you pay for that is having all the responsibility. I'm sure SD sees what you put into her if she's unresponsive to her dad.
I can't give you any advice because this wasn't my situation. But I think you're a great person for trying so hard. It's a damn shame her father isn't grateful someone is stepping up to the plate. Oh, and just a thought - do you think having the kid around brings back bad memories for him of a failed relationship and kids he didn't want in the first place? He might be kicking himself for past mistakes.
I do enjoy her most days but
I do enjoy her most days but also I see it as I didn't have my own kids for a reason I like my freedom.
I need to start putting my foot down! Tonight will be the 1st one if he wants her he can go her. I think I always saw it as if I choose to be with a man with kids then it also am responsible.
Making sure they don't die in
Making sure they don't die in your home is your only real responsibility. Everything else falls on their parent. You may CHOOSE to help and participate, but it's by no means a requirement.
I know exactly what you mean.
I know exactly what you mean. SD12 clings to me and even asks me for permission/ help with things over DH. I am very motherly and nurturing and DH is not. He loves SD with his entire heart but feels he doesn't "connect" with her like I do. They don't have a lot of the same interests.
The other day, my girlfriend told me that she notices that I'm always the one tending to SD and being responsible for her.
I still want an "ours" baby but I also told my friend that I know the majority of child rearing will land on me due to DH's busy schedule.
Like you, I enjoy having a "buddy" sometimes but also enjoy my independence for now.
Unlike you, BM allows DH lots of extra time with SD that he always requests, but just lets SD do her own thing while she's here so she sits alone in her room if he's here. When she is here and I'm not busy and/or DH is gone, I do activities with her.
My SD is also getting that bratty teen attitude and sometimes I don't even want to be near her. She takes a lot after BM's self-entitled attitude but deep down she's a good kid and I can't blame her that her mom is a crappy person.
I AM SO PROUD OF DH!!! And
I AM SO PROUD OF DH!!!
And honestly this should be normal but he stepped up this weekend.
I will admit I did go pick her up Friday, I offered since I had to run that way any way to pick up a few things. She also hung out with me Saturday morning since he had to do a small job that morning.
Saturday after we got home around noon he took care of her!! Like they totally bonded. I was shocked and happy.
He played laser tag! For him this is huge, hes not really a fun lets play kind of guy. Me I will be the 1st to steal the hover board from that child or challenger her to a race. I am like a 8 year old in a 30 year olds body.
He was running around the house, hiding, playing laser tag!! I am one proud lady. Then I went to bed early (like 7) they stayed up and watched the football game. I heard them both cheering and booing.
He even took her home yesterday! On his own with out being asked. He must be spying on me. His words where "shes my daughter my responsibility! Thank you for helping so much."
Then last night he was talking about how much fun he had this weekend! Its like a turning point lets hope it stays this way.