Is this an appropriate boundary between Ex's
Hello to all! I haven't posted in quite some time. I am now currently living with my partner of almost 4 years. His son lives with us half the time and his older daughters decided to live exclusively with their mother. Another story with a lot of hurt for my partner! However, he still has a good relationship with them despite the fact that they see each other infrequently. My question is...Is it appropriate for my partner to visit the kids at his ex's house. This has been happening since his daughters decided to live with their mother full time (they use to live with him part time until he moved in with me). His ex is still single. While I don't think anything is going on at all between them, I still think it is disrespectful to me.
We live literally 3 minutes away so he can always bring the kids to visit at our house or take them to the restaurant etc, which he usually does. It makes me feel insecure and I think it is confusing for the kids who feel like one big happy family again. The latest situation is one where his 15, 17 & 20 year old daughters wanted him to see their new dog along with their younger brother (who happened to be staying at our house for the week). I felt he should have just dropped his son off for an hour then stopped by to see the dog for 5 minutes only while standing inside the doorway since it is winter. Instead he visited for 1 hr with his ex wife in the house. He says he didn't go beyond the entrance way but regardless it was a long visit. This is causing issues in our relationship as I have been trying very hard to set firm boundaries for how we both deal with our exes. My previous 17 year marriage ended because my husband cheated on me so I admit that I am hypersensitive. Am I being a drama queen and do I just need to pull up my big girl panties or are my feelings on this matter justified?? To me, it is one thing to stand at the doorway and say hi to the girls for a few minutes and another thing all together to stay for an hour in your ex's house. Thanks for your help : )
No its not appropriate IMO.
No its not appropriate IMO. These are adult and almost adult children. He can see them out of his single exes house.
Don't questions your feelings, own them, and explain them to your DH. His job as your partner is to make you feel comfortable, especially in an easy fix situation like this.
It is not appropriate. There
It is not appropriate. There is no reason for him to spend an hour inside of the ex's house.
In your opinion it is
In your opinion it is inappropriate. So it doesn't matter what we think. Some men still want that family attachment and seeing he seldom sees his daughters this is the only way he gets to see them. It is a pattern of behavior that works for him.
The thing is, do you want to change that behavior? Have you spoken to him and told him that hanging out at his ex's house is allowing his daughters to control him and dictate the terms of their relationship with him? I doubt he wants to hear that though.
Look, you are not happy and he will not change any time soon. So move out, live your own life and see him when you are available. Point out to him that you love him dearly however expecting you to wait around while he socializes with his ex and their daughters isn't very polite. He is either in or out. And obviously this behavior rewards him while it makes you very unhappy. It isn't about hating his daughters. It is about disregarding how important you are in his life.
My DH has in the early days hung out with his sons at BMs home while dropping the boys off at Thanksgiving. OK he had a long family history with BMs family and I get that and they all get along. But when you take 1.5 hrs to come home because you stopped to chitchat while your foreign wife was left at home to clean up .... not playing THAT game. Also it was ignoring BM. This was her house now and no longer his. He forced her hand to refinance so he could get his VA status back so we could buy a home. And now he sits down in her living room at TG? I told him that was extremely bad mannered and rude and I bet he didn't ask her if it was OK. He couldn't see my point until I told him he either lives with me or lives with her. He had 24 hrs to make up his mind or I was out. He still didn't understand. It took using the example of me allowing my ex into our home whenever he wanted to drop by (if he lived here) to see our teenagers for him to get the idea.
So maybe point out that if he has no problem with socializing with his ex you feel you can invite your kids father over or an old boyfriend.
But.... you need to make a decision.
When we were first dating DH
When we were first dating DH stopped by BM's home to say hello. He'd just moved to my area after living several hours away. BM and I lived less than a mile apart although I did not know her.
I had a true hissy fit over that, and it has never happened again. That was my boundary. When I am done in a relationship I am DONE. None of this "let's be friends" crap.
Let's add to this that DH and BM had a ONS years and years after their divorce that resulted in SS32 (in his early 20s when this happened). Yes it was decades earlier, BM was remarried to a very controlling man who watched her like a hawk, and as I got to know DH and BM I realized they were never going to get together again. But IT WAS NOT ACCEPTABLE FOR MY DH TO BE IN HER HOME at least in my world.
Of course it had some repercussions. When their older son died BM did not let DH know until after the funeral (out of state). She told everyone that he couldn't be bothered to attend even though he was never informed of the death. She's a holier than thou ultra religious person who parades around being so pious after being the town bike in her youth. The kind of woman that enjoys talking about how "sinful" she was before she found God and learned how to speak in tongues.
She can be whatever she wants to be but my DH will NOT be stopping by to visit her.
Not appropriate at all. They
Not appropriate at all.
They are no longer a family unit and all of them under the same roof is not right. The only time it is appropriate for him to be in your Ex's house is if YOU are present.
Is this something his daughters are asking for? Is it because the kids want their family unit to be together again? While I would understand this desire of theirs, having everyone together repeatedly does not help his daughters accept the new reality. Ie, that you and DH are a unit now.
Add to that your feelings of insecurity which should not go unaddressed.
Have a heart-to-heart with your DH. Tell him you aren't comfortable with him visiting your Ex's house. Ask him to meet his daughters on neutral ground. Good luck!